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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

My boyfriend's obsession with Frida Kahlo

145 replies

anewnetter · 30/12/2019 23:34

New account. Want advice. Do not know if this is right place to post. but I think it is because I am wondering if I am being unreasonable.

To start, I am a 23 year old expecting mum. I have a little boy too he is 2 {smile}
I think my boyfriend is being strange. he is an 'artist'. aka he goes to art school and draws as a hobby. He is very into an artist named frida kahlo, who I think was from around the seventies. anyways he tells me a lot that I look like her {confused} dont know if I should take that as a compliment. seen a few photos.
anways my boyfriend goes on non stop about her. I suspect he may have aspurgers as my dad has it. With the obsession.
It has gotten to a point where he buys me flowery dresses and makes me wear them 'like frida'. Sounds fooking mad doesnt it
well I thought the same.
I am not even Mexican, I am arabic!!!!
Anyways,
would I be unreasonable to ask him. or even break up with him as this 'art hobby' is getting out of hand. used to be a lovely man but I think frida is taking over his life.

OP posts:

Trainwardrobe · 31/12/2019 09:44

My bf recently told me I look like FK. He got a long lecture on PCOS in response

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 09:44

@anewnetter

That's your answer then. He's been asking you to do things that make you uncomfortable. You've told him a number of times you are uncomfortable with these things. You've now said to him clearly you need it to stop. He's essentially said no, thereby making it clear he doesn't care about your feelings or making you upset. So it's over, surely?

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 31/12/2019 10:03

This sounds like a tricky situation. It is as if you are being viewed by him as a blank canvas upon which he feels free to create the image of Frida Kahlo. If you were both happily involved in the creative process or equal time was spent addressing your wants and desires that would be fine but it doesn't seem to be the case.

I think you need to have a conversation about reciprocity in relationships. You have to have a sense that your own dreams are being supported too.

SoTiredTonight · 31/12/2019 10:42

@anewnetter It sounds to me as though he wants you to live out his weird fetish for him which is totally unreasonable if you’re not happy with it. To be honest, he doesn’t sound particularly good relationship material - either because he is generally not capable of the compromise required for it to work, or because he is objectifying you. Either way, what he’s doing - for whatever reason - is clearly unhealthy for you or you wouldn’t be so upset about it. The fact that you cannot talk to him about you feel, or rather that he’s more interested in how he feels when you don’t want to play his silly game, shows a complete disregard of your feelings and either complete selfishness or bad immaturity. Either way, not a good foundation for any relationship. Please don’t put his needs before your own, you’re worth so much more than being someone else’s dress-up doll phantasy!

FlorencesHunger · 31/12/2019 11:25

That is concerning op, no man should dictate how a woman should dress in any context. You aren't a doll and you certainly aren't Frida Khalo, he needs to channel his interest somewhere else.

You have a baby on the way and have your own life and identity to get on with without him trying to shape you into something you are not. Just stop engaging wherever possible, state that you are not going to transform into Frida Khalo despite his wishes.

Frankly I would be concerned how far this obsession might go, as she lived quite a tragic life amongst her glamour.

Karlski · 31/12/2019 11:26

I think your boy friend has a thing for ladies with strong eyebrows

Dontknownow86 · 31/12/2019 12:28

He can't say it's not harming anyone because it's harming you and your sense of self worth. Let him sulk and tell him to grow up.

Motoko · 31/12/2019 12:58

So, you've explained how it makes you feel, and he's ignored it and is still trying to get you to be like her.

I'd say this relationship is over. It's not a good relationship, you're young, so don't have much experience with relationships to understand that this is not a good relationship.

Swallow your embarrassment and speak to your mum. We all make mistakes, it's ok to admit you made a mistake, the important thing is to learn from them, so you don't do them again. Our friends and family know us, and because they're not looking through rose tinted love goggles, can often see things in our partners, that we don't, or choose to ignore, because we're in love.

Can you move back into your parents if you leave?

Besidesthepoint · 31/12/2019 13:43

he got upset. said it didn't harm anyone.

It is harming you and your relationship. He isn't loving you for who you are. He either needs to give his obsession up (therapy comes to mind here) or your relationship won't survive. Tell him that.

Zofloramummy · 31/12/2019 13:53

Does he think you are a living art project? It also sounds like he doesn’t spend a lot of time with you but lives in his own little world creating ‘art’.

Well you told him how you feel and he choose to say it wasn’t a problem (for him). So that’s your answer, his desires are more important than your feelings.

Your choices are grow a monobrow and pretend to be freida or tell him to fuck off and be yourself.

ilovethickboys2 · 31/12/2019 16:24

I think YAB a little bit U. I would love if my husband did that.

thelikelylass · 31/12/2019 16:29

Please end it now. He will have you wearing a Dali moustache next.

JustASmallTownCurl · 31/12/2019 16:39

Push for Dali so you can get a pet anteater 😍

Ps as I said before OP in all seriousness he's pushing you to do something you've said makes you uncomfortable. That isn't ok and you don't need to stay with someone who has no respect for your feelings and boundaries x

ilovethickboys2 · 31/12/2019 16:45

another vote here for Dali!!

ilovethickboys2 · 31/12/2019 17:21

is OP okay?? am enjoying this and want an update

ForalltheSaints · 31/12/2019 17:31

Whether or not he has asperger's or not, it seems to me that the relationship should end, painful as it may be.

I have favourite artists but would never expect anyone to dress like them or someone they portrayed.

Coyoacan · 31/12/2019 17:57

@JolieOBrien. I've no idea if he had an disease, though it looks like a thyroid problem, doesn't it?

@stupidtabloidheadlines I actually do live within walking distance of the Blue House but in a more humble abode.

Motoko · 01/01/2020 10:58

I think YAB a little bit U. I would love if my husband did that.

You'd love it if your husband tried to turn you into someone you're not, dictating how to do your eyebrows, and what clothes to wear? I don't think you do.

CtrlU · 01/01/2020 11:12

Sounds like a fetish

Branleuse · 01/01/2020 11:16

As an aspie with an aspie family, id say most obsessions are self limiting, and he possibly had no idea you werent into it too if you've gone along with it and not outright told him. A lot of aspies just do not do vague hints. Some do, but mostly if you expect he may well be aspie, you are going to have to use clear language. Have some ownership over the fact that you were going along with it and now its going too OTT and you didnt tell him.

He did get upset as one, hes likely embarrassed and 2, hes probably sad about something he thought was brilliant fun for both of you, was one sided.
Imagine being on the holiday of a lifetime, and having the time of your life woth someone you thought was having a great time too, and then they drop it on you that actually they are having a terrible time and feel bullied into all this.
Youd feel upset.
Personally id give him time to process it and see if his behaviour changes and he makes an effort before making any rash decisions. Or whether he guilt trips you or continues to push it. I think that will be the teller.
Thats if its just this, rather than a symptom of something bigger

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