To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

blubelle7 nobody has said quite what you're claiming they have. Nobody has said that a 50 year old woman with a 22 year old man is great but a 50 year old man with a 22 year old woman isn't.

What people have pointed out is that big age gaps - age gaps big enough to be fairly common parent and child age gaps, gaps of a quarter of a century or more especially - are vanishingly rare where the younger party is male and the older female but fairly common where the man is easily old enough to be his girlfriend's father, and even not that uncommon even where he actually has children older than his girlfriend. If that last scenario happened with an older woman they'd be universally slated, yet men get away with it.

Once everyone is over 21, 7 or 8 years isn't really an age gap relationship.

An age gap of 25 years with the woman being older is so vanishingly rare that it's a novelty, a rarity, and a lot of people are cheerleaders for exceptions especially when it's a woman doing something women rarely do but men often do. However in practice people are more, not less, critical of an older woman/ younger man relationship.

Look at Emanuel Macron and compare the attention given to that political leader's age gap relationship with the interest in the age gap between Boris Johnson and his partner.

Now I have known some very happy and fulfilling relationships with a large age gap. But I don't think it's unduly cynical to point out that a man who leaves the woman he has been married to for decades simply because he fancies a younger model is unlikely to be a very shining example of emotional maturity. Nor is the young woman who believes he is.
I agree with you.
I also wonder how many men who decide they only want much younger women tend to end up leaving their younger woman once she has a baby and is in the early stages of motherhood so less likely to be paying attention to her looks and isn't up for sex multiple times a week.

To me it's less about large age gap relationships as a rule because some clearly work. I do inwardly question anyone who says they only want to date someone substantially younger (male or female).

I think women think he is a sad bastard and the girl a gold digger. I think other men think...lucky bastard! So it's a gender thing, this perception of such relationships

@Oksanna

Great post and thank you for sharing your lived experience.

Unfortunately this is Mumsnet - where women's lived experience is only considered, respected or believed, if it fits the general narrative or makes people comfortable.

If it makes people uncomfortable and envious, then you're going to be told in no uncertain terms how your life will imminently fall apart.

If it makes people uncomfortable and envious

Can you explain the 'envious' part? Are we supposed to think your average middle aged man is some great prize? When I was the poster's age I would have had zero problem attractive a bloke in his 40s, not because I was exceptionally attractive, but because the supply of middle aged blokes seeking non-threatening younger women vastly exceeds demand. But I didn't want to waste my youth on age, so like the vast majority of young women, I wasn't interested.

You don't have to be anything special to attract an older man. So again, what is it exactly that we're all supposed to be seething with jealousy about?

@LolaSmiles

I also wonder how many men who decide they only want much younger women tend to end up leaving their younger woman once she has a baby and is in the early stages of motherhood so less likely to be paying attention to her looks and isn't up for sex multiple times a week.

Well, this is the thing. Have any of those telling us all that men are 'biologically wired' to be attracted to young women ever reminded themselves that they won't always be young themselves? And that, by their own logic, their husband will therefore no longer be attracted to them and will be seeking a (much) younger woman to satisfy his 'biological wiring', (though whether any will take him is another question)?

Yes, I'd want more for my daughter. That sums it up really.

If my daughter brought home a man 20+ years her senior who'd been through it all already, my heart would sink really. I'd feel very sad.

Also there is more, that young people don't 100% get. Youth is so so so fleeting. Blink and it's gone. And if you spent your one and only youth not with another young person but with an old person, you handed over that chance to do youth with total insouciance. YKWIM

It’s inevitable that people judge. I do.

Uncomfortable and envious?

Why would I be uncomfortable of a woman my age with a 70 year old?

Why would I be envious of a 25 year old woman with a 45 year old?

I don't get it.

Well, this is the thing. Have any of those telling us all that men are 'biologically wired' to be attracted to young women ever reminded themselves that they won't always be young themselves? And that, by their own logic, their husband will therefore no longer be attracted to them and will be seeking a (much) younger woman to satisfy his 'biological wiring', (though whether any will take him is another question)?

This. If all your man has is his biological wiring (no thoughts, no integrity, no interests outside of his willy), then you haven't really got much, have you?

Of course that doesn't apply to all age gap relationships. Some men - of any age- have qualities that could cause envy in anyone. But several posters on this thread have specifically used it as an argument for age gap relationships. Me, if that was all my man could offer, I'd rather use a sex toy.

@Sh0na

I don't agree with the insouciance comment - how is that specific to age?

If a person in their 20s wants to settle with someone permanently, they don't need another 20-something in order to do vivacious, lively, exciting activities.

Arguably a lot of couples I knew in their 20s were travelling abroad - while there they were walking around, sightseeing, occasional treks and tours, climbing. They weren't doing anything that a 40 year old couldn't do.

I just don't get the thinking - if you're in your 20s and you have the mindset of wanting to share your life with someone, how does that cut you off from any "insouciance"? It's a mindset you've chosen - the older person hasn't stifled you just by existing as an option.

HTH.

the biological wiring thing is a red herring. We all make decisions as consciously as we can. Men and women. There are influences pulling us but we weigh things up.

The Sugar Daddy thing is bullshit. It's a glitch in the usual. It's not proof of anything! What percentage of older men are in a position to ''buy'' sex, companionship.... etc'' ?? Very few. Most older men have no choice but to try and win over women with their looks and personality - such as those are. No emotionally healthy young woman, all things being equal, thinks, I'll go for that guy my Dad's age.

It happens of course but it can be a low self-esteem / co dependency thing. My good friend from school, her dad had affairs all through her teens and eventually left her mum for a gf. She married a much older man and she confessed later that she thought ''he'll never leave me, he'll value me''. So the message that she'd got growign up was that the only way a woman could KEEP her value was if the age gap were huge to START with. Like me, she's single now! I had an abusive h while she had a much older h. She probably fared better than I did so I'm not judging but she didn't have it easy either and she had a lot of bullshit to unravel after she left him.

@Helmetbymidnight

You may not be uncomfortable, and that's great.

There are plenty of others who have openly said they think it's creepy/weird.

@GinDaddy you're only young once. ONCE

I hope that helps.

Also there is more, that young people don't 100% get. Youth is so so so fleeting. Blink and it's gone. And if you spent your one and only youth not with another young person but with an old person, you handed over that chance to do youth with total insouciance.
You assume that youth spent in a company of another young person is somehow of more quality? And somebody over 40 isn't exactly "old"

@Sh0na

Please tell that to my sister's mate, who was 26 and happily dating a 45 year old man, yet still going to festivals with him (she's a ceilidh musician), travelling, doing whatever.

Older men don't necessarily want to immediately shackle a younger women into a lifetime of child bearing. In fact some of them just want to run around having weekend breaks and doing stupid stuff like most folk.

Still waiting to hear why we women are so eaten up with envy about being with decades older men....

@IcedPurple

I never said any woman was envious about the sheer fact of relationships with decade-older men.

I do think there is some envy from some (not all!) women who are 45+, in online dating, and who observe that men have age parameters set to search for women that are ten years younger or more.

It therefore reduces the number of available men who are out there and interested. I have heard, in my life, real conversation from women who have said how frustrating online dating can be at that age because their contemporaries are looking over their shoulder at another age group.

Therefore surely that could foster some envy towards women who start mixed-age relationships? I don't think what I'm saying here is beyond the realms of possibility

As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”

As a feminist ...

You may want to reflect upon the sexist power structures in play. Masculinist culture - well, our entire culture actually - ridicules older women, and sees any woman past 30-something as past her "sell by" date. An older woman who is single is ridiculed even more cruelly.

On the other hand, any man past 30-something is seen as increasingly powerful sexy ("silver fox" anyone?) and attractive.

Men are condoned in looking for women up to 30 years younger than themselves - it's seen as "normal" for a man to be at least 5 years older than his chosen partner.

There's a structural power thing going on here: older man, higher earning capacity etc etc.

Personally, I think that men who can't cope with women of their own age or older can't cope with women as equals.

And as for your specific relationship, OP you may think it's a partnership of equals, but frankly, I very much doubt it is ... even if unconsciously, your partner has gone for a woman whom he does not consider his equal.

Ridiculous @gindaddy, when she's that age herself, her 20s are gone, she won't be able to have relationships / sex / love with men in their 20s in an equal way. That one opportunity is gone. Because she handed that decade over to a man in his forties. Sad. But that opportunity to live life as a young person with other young people is never coming back for a second round.

My DP is 54 and I’m 34 - I’ve never been with an older man before and he has previously been with women his own age and once someone 10 years older than him.
We are very happy... we earn about the same (met at work actually!) and contribute equally to household finances and housework. We have loads in common, we love hiking and mountain walking/trekking, reading and discussing books/history/politics, we love cooking together and for each other and travelling.
I know he may die before me but he’s the love of my life, makes me happier than I have ever been... I have a friend whose husband of the same age just died after a long battle with cancer, leaving her alone with three small children. I could just as easily get sick or have an accident - yes, his age perhaps means things are stacked against us in later but we love each other.
I don’t think I have daddy issues, I love my dad a lot and we are a close family nor am I a gold digger (just as well since he has no money!)
I think it’s sad how narrow minded and judgemental so many people are. There isn’t enough happiness in the world - why not just be glad people are happy?!

I think it's gross when one partner was an adult when the other was a newborn baby.

Still waiting to hear why we women are so eaten up with envy about being with decades older men....

Imagine if, and here’s a thought, not everything was diagnosed via armchair psychology!

The "biological wiring" is just a BS excuse for men to behave badly. We all have biological wiring. You could equally argue that "biological wiring" means a man should knock up as many women as possible, then leave them, and seek new women to continue spreading his seed around with as many women as possible. Thats "biology" after all and what many animals do in the animal kingdom. But any man that does that would be an irresponsible bag of crap. Biology doesnt get you out of acting like a decent human being.