To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

I find both the "daddy issues" and the "bitter old women" comments funny.

I would never have a relationship with anyone old enough to be my father in case he was (that's my daddy issue). Also, there are quite a few posts from young women who don't like the idea of age-gap relationships. Are they just future bitter old women in the making?

Well, actually, I think the guy is afraid of women and that's why he hooks up with girls that are younger, more inexperienced and less threatening.

I admit I side eye men who will only date much younger women. It seems to me like a shallow, control thing.

When you are 30 and he is 50, its not really a big deal. But when you are 50 and he is 70 its a different game altogether.
Ive personally seen quite a few age gap relationships where the younger woman has ended up being carer for her husband after a few years. Obviously there's nothing wrong with that - if you love someone you'll care for them. But I happen to know that the women in question feel rather a lot of bitterness and resentment about having to put their lives on hold to become a carer to the person they originally viewed as their lover/husband/equal. Being someone's carer does cause relationship roles to shift even if you dont want to admit it and these women are still relatively young.
I think these are things you do have to consider when going into relationship with a very large age gap.

@Techiemummy

We are also living in a modern world where people live longer, some take better care of themselves, enhanced fitness regimes, more understanding around diet etc.

Take a look at certain 60 year old men at the gym I go to - these people don't have much trouble keeping up on the treadmill.

They don’t like the idea that their own husband may be attracted to younger women. Men are biologically wired to be attracted to younger women because youth signals fertility.

I don't think that explains the negativity, although it does explain your particular mind-set.

For me, my twenties were a time of exploration, experimentation and growing up. With the best will in the world, I don't think many people in their forties/fifties are going through that too. Some (not all) of the age-gap relationships I've seen over the years have squashed the life out of the younger women...and no, I wouldn't want it for my daughter - ('sup to her obvs)

DH is 45 and I am turning 30 next week. We have 3 DCs and have been together for 6 years. He is a high earner (finance city job) and I recently earn more than him as my business started really paying off. Before that I was a very high earner especially for my age but DH earned 3-5 times my income, so one may argue it was money but tbh I was on a similar tranectory anyway and actually took a pay cut by choosing to stay in UK with DH as opposed to taking a job in the US that was very competitively paid. I asked DH for a prenup to protect his assets, he refused.

DH was single, no children and never been married when we met, he was looking to settle down and so was I. I have always had older friends, we share the same tastes in music, fashion, food, books etc. have similar hobbies and corresponding value systems.

I like men my age, I also like older men. I never put a barrier on age and always seemed to date older. Also men my age rarely approached me so I concluded I must not be on their radar (well until I started dating DH then they all come out of the woodwork lol).

Our age difference was a real issue for DH and it took him long to get used to it and be okay with it due to the stereotypes. I think if this was his second marriage not his first and he had had children before our relationship would not have worked as he would not have committed because the dynamics would have been even more difficult to navigate. We are a normal couple. We have good and bad times. Conversations rarely come back to our age, unless someone else is bringing it up. We have loads to talk about and he is my best friend. I have learnt a lot from him and he has learnt a lot from me. We challenge each other in the best ways and make each other grow. That is all I would want from any relationship regardless of age.

I think I skipped a few grades in school and finished uni quite early so was always the youngest in the room but felt very much my age.

Also I have a great relationship with my dad. We talk everyday and he gives me solid advice on everything. He wasnt thrilled about the age difference between DH and me but accepted it when he met DH as he is a great guy and genuine.

The situation the OP mentioned was not just older-guy-dates-younger-woman, it was specifically older-guy-leaves-same-age-woman-for-younger-woman.

Now I have known some very happy and fulfilling relationships with a large age gap. But I don't think it's unduly cynical to point out that a man who leaves the woman he has been married to for decades simply because he fancies a younger model is unlikely to be a very shining example of emotional maturity. Nor is the young woman who believes he is.

Scarsthelot that works both ways, if you don't like my opinions then feel free not to comment.

I'm sure a lot of people on MN are offensive for the sake of it when it comes to age gap relationships (and a lot of other things but that's a different thread). Thankfully my friends and family in 'real life' aren't like that and have always accepted our relationship. If anyone had come out with some of the crap on here they would have been been told in no uncertain terms to fuck off!

I dont get why older women and younger men are okay but older men and younger women are not okay. Surely if dating a person young enough to be your child is an issue for you, it should be for both sexes?

Maybe I'm stupid here but to those defending older women and younger men but against younger women and older men, what exactly am I missing?

*that works both ways, if you don't like my opinions then feel free not to comment.

Hang on, at no point did I have a go at you for expressing your opinion. I simply challenged what you said.

Nowhere did I say you should post your opinions. This is a chat site. People are discussing.

If anyone had come out with some of the crap on here they would have been been told in no uncertain terms to fuck off!

So would you start or engage in a converstation where people were invited to share their opinions, then tell people to fuck off cause you dont like it?

Maybe I'm stupid here but to those defending older women and younger men but against younger women and older men, what exactly am I missing?

Quite a lot I think.

Firstly, could you point out the posts where people are defending older woman/younger man relationships but criticising the reverse? I've read most of the thread and haven't seen any of these.

Secondly, I don't think anyone is saying that one particular type of relationship is inherently 'wrong'. Sometimes, you just fall in love with someone much older or younger, and it is what it is. Rather, some of us are side eyeing women who say they are only attracted to much older men, and men who will only date much younger women. Yes, it does sometimes happen in reverse, but it is much much more common this way round and it's reasonable to discuss this and the implications of such a set-up.

@blubelle7 It's usually the other way around on here actually. People calling women dating younger men 'grim' and 'something to pass the time'. But when it's about men dating younger women, often teenagers it's 'Oh girls mature faster than boys their own age' or 'They could be a mature teenager with life experience'. 🙄

So would you start or engage in a conversation where people were invited to share their opinions, then tell people to fuck off cause you dont like it

Exactly. FGS- if you specifically ASK people to express their views on age gap relationships then you're gonna have to expect to get a variety of views and not all of them glowingly positive. If you dont care to hear other's views then dont ask- its pretty bloody simple.
Its not as if people in this thread are going up to age gap couples in the street and just spouting off what they think of them. Good grief.

My Dad was 12 years older than my Mum - it worked.

However, history tells us 40yr old men have a mid life crisis and go after younger women - fact!
history also tells us young women go looking for sugar Daddies - usually of the same age or older than the above statement.
Both want something different out of the relationship and if it works fine.
My friend wanted a sugar Daddy - finally hooked one - 28 yrs older than her. All good until the last few years - he is 70 and she is 42 - she is now his carer and resents it. Might be abit too old to enjoy the monies for her self when he finally pops his clogs!!

I know a few women who only have relationships with men much younger. They just as grim as men who will only date women much younger.

Again, I dont think there is anything wrong in 2 people meeting, getting in and getting together, who happen to have an age gap.

However, I do think that people who only date someone considerably younger, have issues

There’s an age gap between me and DH as we got together when I was 24 and he was 42. We just clicked, mainly over our shared love of literature and music and the fact that we have similar values. Despite some wobbles over the years (we’ve been together for over 10 years) which I think is normal for most couples, we have a fantastic relationship and laugh together most days. He’s my best friend and I hardly ever think about the age gap. He was fitter than me when we first got together, running and doing triathlons. He keeps himself in shape and although he has had a few health issues, I still haven’t managed to catch him up

I don’t have ‘daddy issues’ either. I have a great relationship with my dad and will often ask his advice. I also have a friendship group which includes amazing women of all ages, one of which is 60. I really don’t think age matters when you’re on a wavelength with somebody. Lots of stereotypes on this thread.

@PixieN

Glad you have found happiness with someone right for you!

Oh, and my DH didn’t leave his ex to be with me - they’d been separated for a few years before I came along, he didn’t routinely go for younger women and he’s not wealthy (unfortunately lol)

At 26, you lived quite a bit, so I wouldn’t judge as much. Although I don’t see why a 50 yo would want to be with someone so less experienced in life.

My exDH is 47 and in a relationship with a 21 yo and before her a 19 yo. I don’t get at all, they have only been an adult for a short number of years and are only a few years older than his eldest child, who as his child, sees very immature.

You sound very patronizing.. but look okay your first marriage with an older man didn’t work out. I’m fully aware (especially after getting married) that my husband is not a perfect man and he has faults just as I do. Despite him being older than me and me relying on him fully- still we are in a partnership, I need to help him and he helps me. Any marriage can break apart and I’m certain that age gap is not the main reason for divorce but human selfishness is.

My husband will be 70 next year - 11 years older than me - and I am nowhere near being his carer! You can’t really predict how someone’s health will pan out even if they are your age or younger.

I was replying to @Scarsthelot

However, history tells us 40yr old men have a mid life crisis and go after younger women - fact!
history also tells us young women go looking for sugar Daddies - usually of the same age or older than the above statement.

Very few men in their 40s are in a position to be a 'sugar daddy' though, especially if they're divorced and and have kids to mantain, which will eat a sizable proportion of their income. There's this notion that middle aged men = rich but this will only be true for a small number of them. A young man with a decent job and no baggage in the form of ex-wives and children would be a much better bet for a woman looking to live off a man.