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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

756 replies

Daxilove · 30/12/2019 22:52

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?! Confused

OP posts:
Dolorabelle · 31/12/2019 11:54

When I see a man with a gf 20 years younger than him I think "sad bastard". It makes him look pretty pathetic

Yes, Prawn that too.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2019 11:54

Maybe because some people (not saying anyone on here) don't like to see others happy when they aren't. It's not jealousy about the person, it's more jealousy about the fact that the couple are happy! I've been with my husband since I was 22 and he was 43 and we've had our ups and downs but we're happy. He's not my sugar daddy, I'm not and never have been the glamourous younger woman, I don't have daddy issues and he's never tried to manipulate me.

And yes, if I asked someone's opinion (which I wouldn't) and they came out with some of the crap spouted on here (not just this thread but previous ones as well) then yes, I would tell them to fuck off.

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 11:54

I do think there is some envy from some (not all!) women who are 45+, in online dating, and who observe that men have age parameters set to search for women that are ten years younger or more.

They can set what age parameters they like. I could say I will only date men who look like Chris Hemsworth, but it's unlikely I'll get much of a response. The same is true for most middle aged men who exclude women close to their own age. They are very likely to be frustrated and desperate, because the reality is that very few young women are interested in men in thei 40s or 50s. Statistically, such relationships are quite rare. So not sure what there is to be 'envious' of.

Therefore surely that could foster some envy towards women who start mixed-age relationships?

Not really. Most middle aged men are no great prize, and the ones who will insist on dating women young enough to be their daughters - who are usually nothing special themselves - are worth steering well clear of.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 11:55

@GinDaddy - so it's as simple as old women being jealous of young women!

The patriarchy allows this. ''Sugar Daddies'' wouldn't have any power if we lived in a society where traditionally unskilled female labour was given equal weight and pay to traditionally unskilled male labour. Where there was free childcare. Where women weren't objectified for their youth and beauty and commodified.

So no, there's more to this than jealousy of younger women. I want (some) young women to wake up to the fact that they have ONE youth and not to 'sell' it to an old man, like an elixir.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 11:57

Also, we women 45+ don't have to worry as much as older men would like to think we need to worry because the truth is, there just aren't enough 35 year olds to go around for all the older men who want one!

beautifulstranger101 · 31/12/2019 12:02

Therefore surely that could foster some envy towards women who start mixed-age relationships

Why on earth would envy be involved? I dont want a large age gap relationship, I'm very happy with my H who is the same age as me and fit and healthy. Why would I want a much older man with health issues, ED, and all the stuff that goes along with that? If other people are happy with that- thats great! But I think saying people are "jealous" is a bit of a stretch considering the awful state of many older men Ive seen.

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 12:03

The "biological wiring" is just a BS excuse for men to behave badly. We all have biological wiring.

Not to mention that biology affects men too. Obviously there's no fertility cut off point for men, as there is for women, but older men are less virile, take longer to get a woman pregnant and those pregnancies are more likely to result in miscarriage or birth defects. From the biological perspective, young men are a much better choice.

Not to mention that biologically, most men are entirely superfluous. The human race would survive quite well if we had only 1 man per 10 women, though the same obviously is not true in reverse.

JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 12:04

Why would I want a much older man with health issues, ED, and all the stuff that goes along with that?

I suspect it’s comments like that, that make a suggestion of snideness.

It’s too much of a sweeping generalisation.

beautifulstranger101 · 31/12/2019 12:05

From the biological perspective, young men are a much better choice

Very, very true!

beautifulstranger101 · 31/12/2019 12:06

It’s too much of a sweeping generalisation

Maybe so, but you cannot deny that as you get older you are FAR more likely to encounter health problems.

Studies on ED show its a real issue, obviously not for everyone but to ignore it is silly.
www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19378217

beautifulstranger101 · 31/12/2019 12:09

I suspect it’s comments like that, that make a suggestion of snideness

and suggesting all women are simply jealous and bitter of women dating older men isn't snide? Thats the comment I was reacting to.

happycamper11 · 31/12/2019 12:11

Age seems a strange factor to be a type/ something to be attracted to. For example dp is significantly older than me but looks ridiculously young. Does that mean if I was physically attracted only to older men I wouldn't be to him as he appears younger?

Or if a man my age looked significantly older id still not be attracted to him because he was only 40.

It's a hard one for me to get my head around (without the explanation of an absent dad - that does make more sense)

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 12:13

Yes, and it hits men hard. One minute they're the default. The powerful default. Unlike say ''The Elderly'' or ''women'' or The unemployed.

Becoming an older woman is not that different from being a woman. Society was never structured to give us what we needed (childcare, equal pay, more protection against abusers, this list could go on ad infinitum. My point is women are used to THEIR needs not being met first, their perspective not being heard first).

So to go from a young woman who needed not to be objectified, infantilised, childcare, more equality at work etc to then being an older woman who is invisible, it's less of a loss of status. Less of a drop. We never had the mike.

I was watching an interesting TED talk about ageing last night and it was saying how middle aged white western men go from being the DEFAULT to being a substrate group, 'elderly' and it hits them very hard.

So no, I'm not jealous of young women who hand over their youth to an older man.

I have been young. I know that me and my close friends who were emotionally healthy wouldn't have dreamt of doing this. We simply didn't want to. The one friend who did it, she was struggling with a low self-worth as a woman and distorted messages about a woman's value to a man (from her childhood).

crystal1717 · 31/12/2019 12:14

It just proves that women are a commodity and only valued for youth and beauty.
Who are you going to date when you're 47? All the men your age will be disgusted by your age, and young 26 year olds crowing will piss you off extremely.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 12:15

ED yes. The elephant in the room.

Pop2017 · 31/12/2019 12:18

I’ve never been interested in men my own age. OH is 13 years older than me. We were 20 and 33 when we met. I already had a young child. He’d only dated females around his own age before so Oh wasn’t planning to met someone younger it just happened and we clicked. Our age gap has never been an issue. We’ve been together for several years. Our age gap isn’t physically noticeable either. He looks younger whereas I look older!

GinDaddy · 31/12/2019 12:20

@Pop2017

Very glad you found someone who works for you, hope you don't get judged etc.

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2019 12:20

I agree @crystal1717

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 12:22

hope you don't get judged etc.

Kind of like how you are judging us for our 'jealousy' of women who achieve the supreme feat of landing an old dude?

GinDaddy · 31/12/2019 12:24

.

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN
JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 12:26

Thank goodness we’re getting anecdata as evidence. Makes the points so much more weighty Grin

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 12:26

How can I let it go when I'm seething with envy that some old codger didn't pick meeeeeee?

JacquesHammer · 31/12/2019 12:27

women who achieve the supreme feat of landing an old dude?

As an aside, why make comments like that?

Your choices aren’t superior you know.

FYI I didn’t think you did appear bitter on this thread. I do now actually.

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 12:29

As an aside, why make comments like that?

Because the person I am responding to has repeatedly claimed that women are 'jealous' of women who land decades older men. That's why.

FYI I didn’t think you did appear bitter on this thread. I do now actually.

No offence, but why is that 'FYI'? I'[m not really interested in how you feel I ''appear''. I might also say you ''appear'' extremely defensive, but I wouldn't neccessarily expect you to care as you don't know me and I don't know you.

TigerOnATrain · 31/12/2019 12:30

Well at least all these men with much younger wives (20+ years younger) will have a carer when they're 70+ Grin

I am laughing at people saying 'well you COULD marry someone roughly the same age as you, and they could end up having an illness or accident that means they will be needing full-time care at only 33 or so.

But the fact is that if you marry someone a generation older than you, they are far more likely to be infirm. and needing care, while YOU are still quite young. And you are far more likely to end up as a carer for an OAP, (when you are little more than 40-45.) It will probably be alongside caring for your own parents AND possibly looking after children. Probably need to work as well, as his pension won't go far!

It's like that stupid argument of having kids older (like 43-44+.) When people mention the child could be left as an orphan by their mid 20s (or having to care for elderly and infirm parents,) someone ALWAYS comes along and says 'but, but, someone who had their babies by 27 could ALSO become ill and infirm, (or die,) by the age of 45, STILL leaving the children with no parents at a young age too!'

The fact is though, that it's far more likely the kids will end up with no parents at a young age if the parents are 43+ when they have them, than if they have them at 26-27 or younger!

Also, I agree with the majority. Although a few people are denying it, and calling people 'narrow-minded' and judgemental, I seriously judge any man who goes for a woman 20+ years younger, and think there are ulterior motives behind it. He is looking for a potential carer probably, and any young woman who goes for a man old enough to be her dad has underlying issues. Take offence if you want, but she does.

If my DD (mid 20s) came home with a man of 45-50, I think I'd throw up. I would be utterly horrified, and wonder where we'd gone wrong. I would also question the motives of the man, and worry seriously for my DD's future, looking after an infirm and crotchety auld man (in 15 to 20 years time,) when she is only 40-ish, and should be living her life the the max. Also I would worry about the prospect of their children (if they had any) for several different reasons that I won't mention.

Finally, I echo the views of some people on here, that there is this bizarre, romanticised idea of how lovely and dreamy it is, being with a mature older man of 45-47 ish when you're a starry-eyed, immature young 20-something.. (and please spare me the 'lots of young 20-somethings have lived a full life and have lots of experience' bolleaux, because most have NOT, and many are quite immature..)

However, the reality is that no middle aged man should be in a relationship with a woman who is young enough to be his daughter. It's just weird. For sooooo many reasons. Already mentioned on this thread. I know a few people are getting sniffy and huffy with people saying this, but it's true. The vast majority of people saying it, cannot all be wrong.. And the young women dating much older men are seriously deluded. Seriously.