To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

Slag not snag....

yabu as MN doesn't have issues with age gap relationships when the woman is the older person in that relationship as evidenced by previous threads

Any proof of that? I can think of two threads recently that showed the exact opposite - fine for older men to date very young women, but not ok the other way around.

Whenever I see an older man with a younger I assume she's after the money - there's a name for women like that

And what do you assume about him? Or is your judgement just reserved for the women?

My DH is very much older. I must say in the beginning it was the most difficult when i felt i needed to defend my choice before everybody. It felt like it was me and him against the world. But now its long since i stopped caring what anyone else has to say. Especially that not that many people can demonstrate that their relationships are somehow superior.

I just feel that surely somebody in their 40’s would have little in common with somebody in their 20’s, to me it’s totally different points in your life. I’m late 20s and wouldn’t consider someone 10 years younger (so very late teens) because I we would be completely different points in life and I don’t see how we’d gel. And I’d imagine lots of people in their late 30s wouldn’t want someone in their 20s for that reason.

Agree that it’s obviously individual choice and you’re happy then that’s what matters.

As per before, there is so much bitterness and snideness on this thread, it's amusing.

Why don't we just say it as it really is:

The reason why some (not all) women dislike seeing age gaps with older men/younger woman, is because of an assumption that the man has left behind a woman of his age, to get with the younger woman.

So there's an implied threat there - "he left someone his age who bore children for him, in order to chase youth. What a prick" etc.

If someone who is single and 24, meets someone who is single and 42, what's the problem?

There's also a few things on this thread that I just think are patently absurd :

• Calling women who date older men "people with daddy issues" is just lashing out at attractive women who might steal your husband and trying to make them feel small.

• Saying that men in their 40s don't have "sexual prowess" is just ridiculous. I won't give any unsolicited personal insight but the facts are the facts - there isn't a "male menopause", testosterone declines at less than 2% a year from around 40. If your man doesn't cut it in the bedroom any more, there could be other mental/physical health factors.

• Money isn't always the driving factor for younger women getting with older men. My mother in her 20s, got with a relatively poor lecturer in his late 50s, my father. He was a renowened intellectual ; that was the driver for her. Maybe experience, charisma, conversation counts.

Again, I waste my time typing because people will just want this to be a hate fest against middle aged men, so crack on.

My DSis has been happily married to her DH, who is 20 years older than her, for 29 years.

No money involved and no power struggles. They are a union of equals who have a great love for each other.

Oh also, I dated a woman in her early 50s when I was 29. She was seriously attractive to me, I felt like I had the better end of the deal so to speak. Lasted just under a year, ended when I moved to another part of the country.

Did that mean I have mummy issues?

I think this "age gap" thing clearly goes one way, and is an issue around older men/younger women.

The whole "what would they have to talk about" thing is also just so cliched.

With my date, we would talk about food (a lot!), travel, literature (both voracious readers), politics, argue about some stupid film we'd watched...

I don't think those kind of subjects have an age limit on them if you're an interesting and interested young person.

I do think that if you're a 45 year old and your life experience is limited to talking about things that solely relate to your stage of life and your day to day choices, then yeah - you'll struggle to meet anyone younger, and you'll probably end up going on dates with folk that bore you somehow and you'll fail to connect.

Laughing at the notion of men over 50 having no sexual prowess. My dh is 61. No problems in our bedroom!

1300cakes is it a casual relationship?

How can you be in a serious relationship with someone you think is weird for being with you?

I met my exH when I was 23 and he was 43, we married a year later.We divorced 4 years and 2 kids after this.
He was controlling, unkind and has since gone on to be totally absent from his kids lives in every way, so not a great bloke.
Although I was an adult when we met the age difference meant he often acted in some weird parental way.Now I'm the age he was then and my kids aren't an awful lot younger than I was ,I can really see the power imbalance I know more about the world how people work.I see my 19year old a competent able young woman but she simply cant have the experiences of someone twice her age.
Basically not all age gap relationships all abusive, but if you are an abuser it probably makes it a lot easier.

Laughing at the notion of men over 50 having no sexual prowess.
Exactly. Older men know what to do in bed, unlike "beginners"

My dad married a woman 22 years younger than him after my mum died 24 years ago. We tried to convince ourselves she wasn't a gold digger. We gave her the benefit of the doubt. However, he died recently and she is challenging the Will despite him leaving 50% to her so have now changed our mind and realised our initial instincts were correct!

A friend of mine left her husband for a man nearly 40 years older than her. She keeps going on that “he doesn’t look his age.” Yes, yes he does love. He looks like an 80 year old with badly dyed hair, and is four years older than your Dad. Both like a little snooze after lunch. She is also in quite a risky place financially- she is living in his house, and doesn’t work. His kids (who are older than her) are pretty hostile towards her. And her four kids, whom she left with their Dad, are none too impressed either.

OP there’s a lot of negativity about age gap relationships among women because most are married to men their own age. They don’t like the idea that their own husband may be attracted to younger women. Men are biologically wired to be attracted to younger women because youth signals fertility.

I’m 24 and I’m married to a 41 year old man. He’s not rich but he is the sole provider for our family and he is someone that I know that I can fully rely on.. it’s something that I really value.

Why do you care what random people on the internet think? If you’re happy in your relationships, then carry on. Life’s too short to worry about what other people think.

People on mumsnet will always have an opinion on something you do, but remember, you’re the one who has to live your life.

I think a lot of people should keep their opinions to themselves! If the couple are happy what's it got to do with a bunch of busybodies with nothing better to do with their time? I bet very few of you would actually say any of this to the people involved in the relationship.

Yes I am in an age gap relationship, no there's not a 'power imbalance' and no I'm not after his money.

Personally I find it strange and I do think the older party is a bit sleazy for dating someone so young.

My aunt met my uncle when she was 35 and he was 55, which I’m sure was fun and exciting. Not so much when she had to nurse an old man who then died, leaving her a widow at 55.

Obviously anyone can die at any time but marrying someone 20 years your senior pretty much guarantees that you’ll be alone at a young age.

Men are biologically wired to be attracted to younger women because youth signals fertility.

Younger men are more virile and more likely to produce viable sperm, as well as being usually more physically attractive. So there are plenty of reasons women would be 'biologically wired' to prefer younger men too. There are no biological advantages to being with older men.

They don’t like the idea that their own husband may be attracted to younger women.

Of course middle aged men will be attracted to younger women. I'm a middle aged woman and I'm attracted to younger men, at least in the physical sense. I rarely find men my own age physically attractive. Very few middle aged men are any great prize - whatever they might like to think - so there's little chance of them running off with hotties half their age.

@Oksanna you are showing your youth.

I have been married to an older man, I ended the marriage. I am with dp, I am not afriad he will run off with a younger woman. If I was, I wouldn't be with him. Although to be fair if he did leave me for someone else, it would likely be someone older or the same age.

You are quite young, which is fine. Be happy in your relationship. But please refrain from telling older women, with more life experience than you that its jealousy. You dont get to decide where other peoples opinions come from.

It's usually, not. Its experience. I am glad you can depend on your husband, of course. But dont think there arent women who felt exactly like you and that changed as they got older and they see things differently.
I hope it works out for you. But a good life lesson is that not everyone who isnt jumping for joy at your age gap relationship is jealous. Some have walked your path and found the pit falls and feel differently when they look back.

@amusedbush

Do you think your aunt might have thought of that when she met the 55 year old, and factored that into the equation, or leapfrogged it entirely because she was in love?

Not everyone soberly looks around their workplace or university and looks for a short-back-and-sides professional man, +/- 5 years their age, who can provide for their kids and not die too early thank you very much.

@Scarsthelot

The arrogance, to think that everyone who dates an older man is on a "path" and everyone comes to a similar end.

Men are biologically wired to be attracted to younger women because youth signals fertility

And not all fertile women want old sperm, or tired partners unable to take care of their children. We are living in the modern world. It makes sense for both partners to have the energy to to care for their children equally.

I think a lot of people should keep their opinions to themselves! If the couple are happy what's it got to do with a bunch of busybodies with nothing better to do with their time? I bet very few of you would actually say any of this to the people involved in the relationship.

What a weird thing to say. Do you think most of us just walk up to people in the street and tell them their relationship is wrong?

Or tell susan in the pub it's wrong she is seeing someone 20 years younger? Or bob that?

No. Because most people donr ask in real life what people think. The OP has started a discussion on this, that's why we are discussing it

If a friend asked in real life I would say what I have said here. But talking about it on a discussion forum doesnt mean you talk about this issue in real life all the time.

If you dont want to see peoples opinions, you dont have to come on a thread.

The arrogance, to think that everyone who dates an older man is on a "path" and everyone comes to a similar end.

That's not what I said. I never said it works out the same for everyone. Simply that women who have been where that poster is knows the potential Pit falls and knows that hindsight often gives a different view.