To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

I read that thread at the time it was active It was very recent. I have something called a memory Google it.

@AlternativePerspective no, he was the OM. He was married but separated. I was engaged and due to marry, living with my partner . I called my wedding off only a few months before the event and hurt my ex badly. All for my DH. We both told our respective partners before properly getting together and it was another year before we went public.

The "Daddy Issues" accusation, however much there may be a general correlation, always sounds very crass and unpleasant when thrown about.

I am in my 20s (by a whisker or two) and have always been most physically attracted to much older men. Not exclusively, but it's a general preference and I've had one or two relationships with men in their 50s. Would be daft to pretend that the age gap was of no practical relevance whatsoever and I was under no illusions - particularly latterly - re what was in it for them, but at the time I was in a position to think almost exclusively with my nether regions, and I have not regrets at all.

It takes all sorts, surely? I remember getting real heat for it from a lady in her early 50s on my college course that I'd thought of as a friend, when a few of us were discussing a chap in his early 40s we all knew that I had my eye on. "Why do you go for all these men that have gone to seed? Why aren't you sexually attracted to boys who are in their early 20s like you? It's very Lolita-y." She really sounded quite enraged. Was all rather unpleasant.

Oh, and I do not have an absent father, so that puts paid to that one.

I think some of the reasons why there are more older men/younger women relationships, is a reflection on society.

A lot of young men who have been brought up on a diet of online porn, make very poor sexual partners. You’d be surprised how many require viagra. I’d imagine these young men would rather young, naive women who look a certain way to have sex with. If they can tear themselves away from porn.

A confident and sexy 40 something woman who knows exactly what she wants is going to appear threat to these porn addicts, or just not interested in fulfilling any woman’s desires. And let’s be honest I’m not interested in anyone who wants to do things they do in porn films, “because it’s what everyone does”

Then there is the fact a lot of young men still live at home, much more so than young women, not very attractive to young or older women.

Then there is the issue of fertility and male commitment issues. God knows how many young women I knew back in the day who were being strung along by men to scared to become fathers but to comfortable to be honest enough with their partners, because it meant they’d have someone to share their bed with for the short term.

I don’t blame any young woman who looks at the current crop of young bachelors and thinks, nah.

My Grandfather was 12 years older than my Grandmother and I noticed they did not get on as they aged. My Grandmother wanted to go out more and he just wanted to stay in watching tv. After he died at 79 my Grandmother had a new lease of life and started going on holidays abroad etc. She had boyfriends but never remarried because she said she wanted to stay independent and she did until she died aged 89.

Don’t you feel guilty about the fact that Women can’t compete with your youth OP? When you are in your 40s and men your age aren’t interested because they can get a younger woman I think you will understand how it feels to be usurped by a younger woman.

There are 18 years and 4 months between my husband and me. He is 63 and I am 45. We have been together for nearly 16 years and married almost 15 years. We have 2 children together. My first marriage in my 20s was a disaster. My ex was a selfish porn-addicted, sexually incontinent man child. When we split, I was absolutely certain that I would not get involved with someone my own age again. For me, someone older was the way to go.

wonder how many nasty fuckers on this thread are struggling with a drink problem and cant deal with the issues this throws up on NYE so are looking for someone to take it out on

What in the actual fck? so everyone who disagrees with you must be an alcoholic?
wow- what a revolting thing to say- this says everything about your character doesn't it? urgh.

I have a friend who has always dated older men (at least 10 year age gap). Always men that have lots of money, big house, flashy car.

There’s always going to be a power imbalance in a relationship where the partners are at completely different life stages due to age.

Personally I don’t get it at all. The point (to me) of having a partner is to go through life together...being at the same or similar life stage seems a massive part of that to me.

I tend to assume that women with a dh a lot older than them has self esteem issues/wants to be looked after. I just feel a bit sorry for those with much younger dh’s as it seems a bit...’sad’.

A lot of young men who have been brought up on a diet of online porn, make very poor sexual partners. You’d be surprised how many require viagra. I’d imagine these young men would rather young, naive women who look a certain way to have sex with. If they can tear themselves away from porn.

I dont think this is true. I do think theres a porn issue. But how would you explain that younger women/older men relationships have always been around. Even in the 50s/60s. And There plenty of men in the 'older' category now, who have had instant easy access to porn and have addictions.

Picking an older man does not mean you avoid porn issues.

When we split, I was absolutely certain that I would not get involved with someone my own age again. For me, someone older was the way to go.

To me this makes no sense. You ruled out any man close in age, because one was a dick? I totally get meeting someone, clicking, them being everything you are looking for and them happening to be older.

Your husband is part of an age group that is quite at risk for STDs. He is a decent person because hevis a decent person. Not because of his age.

Oh and as for calling people who donr agree with you, alcoholics, maybe you need to look at yourself.

I think it’s too much to ask older women to smile indulgently and “you go girl” to the tedious age gap relationships of much older man and younger woman modelled in Hollywood. It’s because of the power imbalance between men and women that men are in a stronger position financially to attract a younger woman and older women are devalued.

Agree with a pp as an attractive professional twenty something I could have had my pick of 40 something men and turned many down was no way interested. So we are not jealous! And the youth advantage goes anyway! No one stays 23 forever sadly...

Agree with a pp as an attractive professional twenty something I could have had my pick of 40 something men and turned many down was no way interested. So we are not jealous!

Yup- same. I had lots of older men ask me out in my 20s but I was never interested and they always came across as sleazy and creepy to me, plus, they had lots of baggage (eg kids, ex wives etc) that I really didnt want to have to deal with in my 20s.

I really dont understand why everyone has to trot out the "jealousy" insult. You dont hear men throwing that at each other. Its really mysogynistic and references the typical female stereotype that all women are seen as "bitchy and jealous". Its perfectly possible to dislike someone or something purely because you dont like it and for valid reasons- it doesnt mean you are secretly seething with jealousy over it FFS.

But how would you explain that younger women/older men relationships have always been around. Even in the 50s/60s.
History has a very short span on your head.

I think the error some are making here is in assuming that young women going for much older men (or eschewing men their own age) are making a rational decision of sorts, based on this factor or that.

I can speak only for myself, ultimately, but for me and other women I've known who were similarly disposed re older men, it is just a question of what one is sexually attracted to (or most sexually attracted to). Whether it is a preference in the "sub-orientation" sense or simply a fetish I truthfully don't know - presumably that varies from person to person - but as I said further up, I was (and I am sure I was not alone in this) under no illusions re the discrepancies and practical issues involved. Hence, I have settled down with a mere stripling a decade(ish) older than me. Because as much as I found my relationships with men 20, 25+ to be fulfilling and enjoyable and exciting (etc etc), the future stumbling blocks involved in having a partner less than a decade off statistically likely death when still young enough to be significantly pre-menopause were pretty obvious.

History has a very short span on your head.

Not really. But when these 'older men' were born (50s/60s) these relationships were around then. They arent a modern thing, it's not womens reaction to instant access porn and the impact on younger men. Which is what the pp I quoting was saying.

You go back further, younger women often married older men because they felt had bi choice. Either pressure from family or economically. So it's not really, the same from this discussions point of view.

"Why do you go for all these men that have gone to seed? Why aren't you sexually attracted to boys who are in their early 20s like you? It's very Lolita-y." She really sounded quite enraged.

Enraged or just baffled?

I too find it impossible to understand why a woman in her physical prime would actively prefer men who are long past theirs. What are the physical aspects of the average man in his 40s which appeal to you?

Having seen two sets of grandparental relationships go horribly wrong with a 20 year age gap it's not something I would ever recommend for the long run.

I too find it impossible to understand why a woman in her physical prime would actively prefer men who are long past theirs. What are the physical aspects of the average man in his 40s which appeal to you?

Some people are just different from you. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

Some people are just different from you. Doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

I never used the word 'wrong' did I?

All I'm saying is that it's peculiar to me how a young woman would specify a group long past its physical prime to be more attractive, and am wondering which precise physical features of men in their 40s she finds so hot.

I think what younger women (or indeed older women in these realtionships) who think older women are jealous, forget, is that we have been there ourselves.

Either in the relationships or rebuffing older men, for the same reasons we state here.

I did marry an older man. He looked very young. We need when I was 18 and he was 26. Everyone thought he was closer to my age. We got engaged and married by the time I was 20. It wasnt until I was older that it occurred to me, why he wanted me. It wasnt just my age. I came from an abusive household. So I was vulnerable for that reason too. Not all older men are abusive but lots enjoy the power imbalance. I am talking about the ones who consistently go for younger partners.

I rebuffed other older men (30s & 40s) because I had nothing in common with them. They fancied me because I was young and a trophy, not because they were interested in me at all.

Another point. Along the years dad has lost many of his friends, for one reason. The friends obsessions with sex. One friend who we knew the whole family, left his wife and kids for a younger woman. Then started doing strange stuff. Like showing them all photos of him and his younger woman having sex, her in degrading porn style positions etc. The exwife and daughters were devastated their previously decent family member had done this. He isnt the only one. Dads in his 60s and his friendship group is much smaller than when he turned 50.

So for every person saying younger men are the issue and older men dont have the porn issues, arent immature, more caring etc. Its not always true.

That's about personality. Not age. I would bet anything that these mid life crisis men were like this in their youth. Settled down to have kids, but didnt actually settle down. It was just a front and they always wanted their old life back.

So for every person saying younger men are the issue and older men dont have the porn issues, arent immature, more caring etc. Its not always true

Absolutely. The idea that all younger men are all porn addicts and older men are much more decent is laughable to me. I had MANY sleazy older men in their 40s come on to me when I was 17ish. What does that make them then? In my opinion it makes them sleazy old pervs. What does it say about a 40ish man who sleazes over young teens? Its gross.

That's about personality. Not age. I would bet anything that these mid life crisis men were like this in their youth. Settled down to have kids, but didnt actually settle down. It was just a front and they always wanted their old life back.

I agree. People don't fundamentally change. Not usually. If someone is a selfish, boorish git as a young man, he will be the same in his 40s, though perhaps better at hiding it, certainly to naive young women. The men in their 40s and above who women here are praising as so gentlemanly, were the same men being rejected by their own contemporaries as too 'immature' a few decades ago. Similarly, the young men being derided as porn-obsessed (all of them?) will have young girls praising them as ideal husbands a few decades down the line. And so it goes on.....