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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

756 replies

Daxilove · 30/12/2019 22:52

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

OP posts:

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 22:42

Its really insidious , the attitude towards older people on here.

Don't be silly. And it's not 'older people' is it? It's older men. Because men aren't dating decades older women in anything like the same numbers. As was said right at the start of this discussion, it might not be such an issue if we had women in their 40s exclusively dating 'mature' men half their age, but that's not happening is it? And there's a reason for that. And no, it's not because young women are as 'mature' as they like to think they are.

AlternativePerspective · 31/12/2019 22:43

Who said that people will need carers at 65? And can people really not see the difference between a 65 year old living a normal life with his 65 year old partner and his 40 something children, and a 65 year old with a 40 year old who is probably younger than his children?

And while you might not be a carer to a 65 year old, you will almost certainly be one to a 75/80 year old, and barring accident or unforeseen circumstance, he will be dead decades before you.

Pomegranateseeds · 31/12/2019 22:43

Also, DH is now retired (early according to a pp!) and I have just returned to full time work after being and part time all our married lives (whilst kida were young). It works for us!

CJsGoldfish · 31/12/2019 23:00

I'm not sure why people are so pissed off at the suggestion of 'daddy issues'? Yeah, the term mightn't be the best but it's quite real and, especially in the OPs circumstances, very possible for a lot of women. Every woman? Of course not.

It is the same with the suggestion that an older man is 'controlling'. That's very often the case and the younger the woman, the less likely she is going to realise this. An older man has had plenty of practice and knows exactly how to play it. Any relationship where the younger party is still a teen and the older 30+ is a definite sign. There is absolutely no reason for someone to be with a teen, or even early 20s with a huge gap, other than to 'mold' them. Of course it's subtle and the younger party probably doesn't even realise it's happening. It just becomes their 'normal' So no, just because he's telling you so, you're really not 'so mature' for your age
The younger the younger party is, the less I'd ever believe it's a healthy relationship. It most likely isn't but I can understand those who can't acknowledge that.

Anyway, age gaps without that imbalance of power and with a shared maturity and life experience (so not teens etc) I wouldn't think twice about really. I also don't think those in that kind of relationship are the ones vehemently defending them.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2019 23:05

Maybe he will be dead decades before me but I would rather have however many happy years together with a man I love who happens to be older than me than end up bitter and twisted like so many people.

Just because something doesn’t fit someone’s ideal doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Live and let live clearly doesn’t apply on MN when it comes to certain subject!

Bluebutterfly90 · 31/12/2019 23:10

I always found the term 'daddy issues' to be kind of insulting, as someone with no real relationship with my dad. I haven't got an age gap in my relationship, but I do find that if you have an absent dad people will find something to tell you that you have daddy issues about.

Penguin34 · 31/12/2019 23:16

I've never fancied men my own age. I met my husband when I was 23 and he was 37. We've been together 13 years.
We don't actually share any interests or friends but we're quite happy.
Only problem we (I should say I) have is I would like another baby and at 36 that's fine but at 51 he says he is too old - I agree, he is, other 51 year olds are not though.
But I understand where he's coming from so I don't resent him for it

Dolorabelle · 31/12/2019 23:42

it might not be such an issue if we had women in their 40s exclusively dating 'mature' men half their age, but that's not happening is it? And there's a reason for that. And no, it's not because young women are as 'mature' as they like to think they are

Hear, hear!

I think the imbalance is telling. And yes, the 20-something’s who think they’re “mature“ - that always seems to me to be internalised sexism - a lack of thought about and respect for actual mature women and their wisdom and life experience. Younger women just dismiss that by their attitudes. Because what could they possibly learn from women 20 years older?

CJsGoldfish · 31/12/2019 23:51

Just because something doesn’t fit someone’s ideal doesn’t mean it’s wrong
Absolutely.
Sometimes, though, it does.

Who are the 'bitter and twisted' btw? It's very interesting that that is the term being thrown around. Is it for those who understand how many age gaps actually 'work'. Many, not all, and 'certain' types, not all. Kind of a 'you're just jealous' playground jibe?

AlexanderHalexander · 01/01/2020 00:12

I found the bitter and twisted comment interesting as well.

Why would people with a normal age gap relationship be bitter and twisted about people married to old men?

I wonder if a large part of it for the younger women. Is a perceived sense of ‘status’, ‘I must be so desirable if he chose me’ ‘I’m in a ‘grown up’ relationship’ type thing. In reality these ghouls just want someone young that they can control, or are just generally inadequate sad acts that cant manage a relationship with a peer.

I think the strong reactions of the ‘younger women’ on this thread is in part due to the unsettling realisation that no one is jealous of them, that in fact people are laughing at them or feeling sorry for them.

HeIenaDove · 01/01/2020 00:16

I never said anyone was jealous of me.

You are a typical bully though The strong reactions of the younger women is due to the misogyny and bullying that has been aimed at us right from the start of this thread.

You insult women on this thread and then blame them for their reaction

and are quick to insinuate that our partners are abusers. Projection much!

IcedPurple · 01/01/2020 00:18

Yes, and as I said previously, all of us have memories of being chatted up by men in their 40s when we were about 17 - and we also remember being either bemused (as in: how could he possibly think I might be interested?) or disgusted. It's really not that difficult for a young woman to attract an older man. Not difficult at all. Any of us could have managed it. But we didn't want to.

HeIenaDove · 01/01/2020 00:19

I wonder how many nasty fuckers on this thread are struggling with a drink problem and cant deal with the issues this throws up on NYE so are looking for someone to take it out on.

Ive been on MN since 2011 and have noticed a pattern with goady threads appearing on certain special occasions.

IcedPurple · 01/01/2020 00:20

You are a typical bully though

How are you being 'bullied'? You've chosen to come back to this thread again and again. You could just ignore it and enjoy your relationship - why does it bother you what complete strangers think? Alternatively, if you think 'bullying' is going on, why not report the thread?

AlexanderHalexander · 01/01/2020 00:22

*I wonder how many nasty fuckers on this thread are struggling with a drink problem and cant deal with the issues this throws up on NYE so are looking for someone to take it out on.

Ive been on MN since 2011 and have noticed a pattern with goady threads appearing on certain special occasions.*

Good grief, this thread was started by someone on your side of the debate!
Why are you still engaging is we are all nasty bullies with drink problems?

HeIenaDove · 01/01/2020 00:23

Insulting people then blaming them for the way they react to it IS abusive.

SerenDippitty · 01/01/2020 00:24

I’ve never thought of myself as an object of jealousy. Just as any other happily married couple.

AlexanderHalexander · 01/01/2020 00:24

You've just insulted us all (nasty fuckers with drink problems?) and are blaming us for questioning you.

I'm cool with it though, I'm actually a none drinker

IcedPurple · 01/01/2020 00:24

Does referring to people as 'nasty fuckers on this thread are struggling with a drink problem' count as 'insulting' people?

As I've said, if you feel 'bullied' why on earth do you keep coming back for more? It's not ogligatory. Are you trying to get this thread shut down?

HeIenaDove · 01/01/2020 00:36

As am I Alexander despite what you believe about people who live in poorer areas.

HeIenaDove · 01/01/2020 00:39

No im not Purple. Couldnt care less whether it gets shut down or not .

Ginger1982 · 01/01/2020 00:44

"I wonder how many nasty fuckers on this thread are struggling with a drink problem and cant deal with the issues this throws up on NYE so are looking for someone to take it out on. "

People who don't agree with you are automatically alcoholics? Ok then! 😆

CJsGoldfish · 01/01/2020 00:48

I never said anyone was jealous of me
And no one said you did. In fact, there was no suggestion at all that anyone is jealous of those younger women in an 'age gap' relationship.

No one has been bullied and I doubt any 'younger women' have been insulted either simply for being in one of 'those' relationships. There have been many an insult thrown at those who dare question those relationships where power imbalance and subtle control/coercion may occur.
A lot of factual information and general life experience shared on this thread but some taking real issue with that. No need for the insults and snide comments are there? Quite immature.

AlexanderHalexander · 01/01/2020 00:52

@helenadove - stalking my threads to try and get something unrelated to use against me, eh?

Who’s the bully here?

Shame on you

Tigger001 · 01/01/2020 00:52

Age is but a number. If you meet the right person at the right time, then its right.

My DH is 11 years older than me, most/all lads my age at the time were too immature. We met, it clicked and we have been really happy ever since.

I always think it's sad when people judge people they don't know based upon appearance or age.

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