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Original poster

To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

756 replies

Daxilove · 30/12/2019 22:52

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?! Confused

OP posts:
Meegeemoogee · 31/12/2019 20:13

I'm slightly horrified at how judgemental people are. I'm happily married and my husband is 13 years older than me. I met him at 21 and he was 34. He had huge reservations when we first started dating but we've been together for 15 years, married 7 and have 2 kids who I think benefit from having parents who differ in age. I have considered what our life will be like in the future and the risk that I might become a carer but then again he might become my carer. He already has been when I had hyperemesis in pregnancy. From personal experience it always seems to be older women (50+) who have issues with our relationship. Perhaps I could look at that and think they have inferiority complexes and are threatened by my relationship and that is what is leading them to be so judgemental. But I don't. Live and let live.

AnotherEmma · 31/12/2019 20:16

Meegee but there is nothing to judge in your situation, no children from previous relationships to worry about, not a particularly huge age gap, and you were 21 when you met.

Mmer · 31/12/2019 20:22

The average young woman in her 20s is interested in her peers. When I was at uni, none of my friends would even look at a man in his 30s or 40s. They seemed old and creepy.

SerenDippitty · 31/12/2019 20:36

My DH is 11 years older than me. I’m 58 and he is 69. Of course I am aware that there may come a time when I have to care for him. But the 30 years of happiness I have had with him make me feel it will be worth it. I would not have missed those years for anything.

Bluerussian · 31/12/2019 20:40

I've known a couple of men who married women fifteen years older than them. The first one's wife had a stroke when he was late forties and he became her carer, in his free time he looked for other female company. I don't judge him for that but he was extremely creepy.

The other one decided he'd like to have his own children and his wife was too old (she had two grown up from former marriage), and proceeded to have an affair.

Alex Salmond's wife is very much older than him, I can't comment on what their marriage is like.

Barbara Windsor's husband is donkeys years younger too.

(Not something I'd get into but being as I'm seventy, an older man would be at least 85 :-).)

Scarsthelot · 31/12/2019 21:19

From personal experience it always seems to be older women (50+) who have issues with our relationship. Perhaps I could look at that and think they have inferiority complexes and are threatened by my relationship and that is what is leading them to be so judgemental. But I don't.

Obviously you do.

Again, this is a discussion on age gap relationships. If you dont want to read peoples opinions you didnt have to click on it.

I have my opinions which I shared. You have shared yours not really sure why you think yours is ok to share, but others cant.

AlternativePerspective · 31/12/2019 21:45

But there’s a vast difference between a ten/twelve/fifteen year age difference and an age difference which, let’s be honest, means that the one partner would have been an adult before the other was born, and B, couldn’t have had any interest in that child for the first eighteen years without being a pervert.

As I said before how would these older men feel if their daughters came home with men their age? Would they still be so embracing of it? Or would they per chance disapprove because they know what kind of man goes after a woman young enough to be his daughter.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 21:51

@PinkSparklyPussyCat Im childfree by choice too.

@Velveteenfruitbowl made the point upthread that i was going to make. An older man is less likely to have been fucked up by porn.

There are younger men out there who are horrified at the fact that women have pubic hair. I overheard a bloody awful conversation about this in the hairdressers a while ago.

I remember telling DH that this was the expectation now. He thinks its bloody insane.

And a read of the dating threads and the high expectations now (particularly of women) is confirmation that im much better off as i am.

I want no part of all that FUCK THAT SHIT!

And instead of questioning women about why they are dating older men how about why they wont date ones their own age.

Not that its anyones business of course but there would be some answers that contain certain home truths that some men wouldnt want to hear.

AlexanderHalexander · 31/12/2019 22:03

I’m married to a man my own age (32) and I have a massive bush Grin
He’s a feminist, a good dad, attractive, and understands all my jokes as we were children and teenagers at the same time.

You are just reinforcing my opinion that there is something a bit off about women who are interested in much older men. Men are as diverse as anything else, there will be good 32 year old men and bad ones. Choosing to be with someone 20 years older is perhaps an indication that you have very low self esteem and think you can’t get a decent partner your own age.

Earlgreybee · 31/12/2019 22:03

Helena and velvet, that is a really interesting point you make.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:11

The only thing that affects my self esteem is when i come onto this cesspit of a board!!!!!

SerenDippitty · 31/12/2019 22:15

Men are as diverse as anything else, there will be good 32 year old men and bad ones.

Just as there will be good 42, 52, 62 year old ones......

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2019 22:20

Helena there’s nothing wrong with my self esteem either, I’m happy with my choices in life and thankfully my friends and family are normal and supportive, not like many of the posters on here.

Personally I think there’s something a bit off with people who think it’s ok to laugh at other peoples’ relationships, call their partners ‘sad sacks’ and ‘knobheads’ etc but I was brought up to live and let live.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:21

If this thread had been about any other type of relationship it wouldnt still be here.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:25

MN on a 60 year old in a relationship..............hes old and decrepit.

MN on a 60 .......65 year old wanting to claim state pension....WTF they are still young.......they should still be working. Its only right that the pension age was raised.

IcedPurple · 31/12/2019 22:27

The only thing that affects my self esteem is when i come onto this cesspit of a board!!!!!

So why do you keep coming back?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 31/12/2019 22:27

That’s the funny part. Earlier in the thread someone was saying about caring for 60-65 year olds. Like most people of that age DH is still working!

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:29

YY Sparkly. Its almost as if goalposts are being moved to suit an agenda.

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 22:29

Well the last man I dated was 43 and he wasn't ''fucked up by porn''. I agree that it's a new problem but going for an older partner is no magic formula for getting a good guy. Also, worryingly, Helena, your H went for you when you were 19 - yikes. You honestly cannot seriously blame people for wincing a bit at that.

@AlexanderHalexander
I've a friend who admitted this to me, she didn't really know what was going on at the time. Her father had been a philanderer throughout her teens (and before and after) and she internalised the message that the only way a woman could keep her value to a man in a ltr was to be much, much younger. She didn't want to be left. She did the leaving when she figured it out. Now she knows to not share her life with men who aren't significantly better than her father!

Sh0na · 31/12/2019 22:31

''YY Sparkly. Its almost as if goalposts are being moved to suit an agenda''.

Eh what agenda would that be?! Can you articulate that?

I think you're absolutely MIRED in cognitive dissonance @HelenaDove I wish you all the best but you have been open about your marriage before on MN.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:36

Because one minute 60 is old then another minute its young...............depending on whether the conversation is about sex/dating or state pension.

HeIenaDove · 31/12/2019 22:39

Its really insidious , the attitude towards older people on here.

AlexanderHalexander · 31/12/2019 22:40

60 years old is slightly young to give up work, assuming they live to their 80s.

A 60 year old is not too old to romance a 55 year old.

A 60 year old is far too old to romance a 38 year old.

It's all about context.

HTH

Pomegranateseeds · 31/12/2019 22:41

21 years between me and my DH (he's older). Married 15 years now. There's absolutely nothing wrong with my self-esteem, I promise! I had no shortage of offers from potential boyfriends my own age... But at the end of the day I fell in love with someone who happened to be older. No affair or kids (we have 2 together now). We were in exactly the same financial position as each other and similar roles in terms of power.
I definitely always preferred older men though and still do! It's my taste, I suppose. I like grey hair. I don't like the look of a man in 20s who to me still looks like a student!

MrsMillerbecameababy · 31/12/2019 22:42

Meegeemoogee he's not old enough to be your father (except in very, very unusual and illegal circumstances) and didn't leave existing children to be with you, so probably nobody really sees yours as an age gap relationship particularly.

It's the 18 (and really 20 something) year plus age gap relationships, especially the ones which started when the younger party was barely out of their teens which make people nauseous. Or where the older party essentially abandoned children to play at being a childless young couple and going for child free Sunday brunch, mid week restaurant meals cinema/ theatre and festivals, weekend breaks etc, leaving a spouse or partner to pick up after their mid life crisis.