To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

My celeb crushes have always been on older men so when I was 18 I probably would have 'fancied' certain 40 year olds in theory but in reality...no way!

The poster who got with her husband at 18 and him 40.....also has 2 sets of twins apparantly.

I think it's a big issue when the older person in the couple (invariably the man) already has children from a previous relationship and then chooses a new partner who is close in age to those children. I find that very strange and I know that it can leave the children with complex, hurt feelings about being replaced. Sometimes the older man will have more children with his new young wife and can neglect his older children in favour of his new family.

It's also an issue in the (rarer) case of an older woman with a younger man, if she wants children and he's not ready, or if they agree not to have children but then years down the line, when she is too old to have her own, children he changes his mind and dumps her for a younger woman who can have them.

If neither person has children or wants children (and neither person changes their mind) there are no major issues I can think of.

I wonder how these men with women young enough to be their daughters would feel if someone their age was letching after their own daughter.

Case in point, My DP’s former boss was talking one day about some young girl he would go for if he’d had the chance, to which my DP replied “what, the same age as your daughter you mean?” The bloke threatened to punch him. His wife, who was also there at the time (poor woman) thought that he’d got what was coming....

I imagine a lot of these older men wouldn’t be so welcoming if their 20/30 year younger daughters brought home men their age.

And conversely how can a woman in all conscience get together with a man who has children their age? That would be like sleeping with your friend’s dad .

AnotherEmma DH has children similar in age to me. In our case it's worked out well and we all get on but I can understand how it might not. I've never thought of them as my step children, as far as I'm concerned they are his children, and thinking (or even worse acting!) like their step mother would be wrong. It's the same with the grandchildren, they are DH's grandchildren and they call me by my first name.

I never wanted children so there was never the issue of them having younger siblings, which again is something I can understand causing a problem.

@owlbethere I was referring to your view that younger women caring for older men never feel bitter or begrudging about it. Of course they bloody do. I know people that do!! I'm certain similar age spouses also feel that way too sometimes. But this idea that a young woman finds being her husbands carer to be absolutely great or no big deal is a crock. Noone wants to be their partner's carer it changes the dynamic considerably. Do they do it because they love them? of COURSE they do but being a full time carer to your much, much older husband is noone's idea of a great life and I have spoken to many carers when working in the NHS.

"DH has children similar in age to me. In our case it's worked out well and we all get on"

I hope his children see it that way too, they might have some negative feelings about it but are polite and accommodating enough not to express them.

I think the fact that you and your DH didn't have children probably helped.

In the family I am thinking of, the new couple did have children.

I don't really understand why people pass on comments on anyone's relationship. That's more bizarre than any age gap!
Granted I probably have a braised opinion (dated and engaged to a women for 5 years... She was terrible and financially abused me) now in a very happy relationship with a man 18 years older than me with 2 beautiful daughters. I am totally financially independent so not a gold digger etc

Well most people look at the older man and think him a sad case. And getting with a 40 year old when you are 18? Have some self respect for heaven’s sake. Whoever said you are only young once is right - wasting it on some older person is something you will regret. And there are so many men like this it’s not like you will really struggle to get one!

In other words it’s inevitable that there will be some mockery and remarks on it. Most people stick with someone their own age.

I don't really understand why people pass on comments on anyone's relationship. That's more bizarre than any age gap!

Because the OP asked us our opinions on them...

@FoxysFolkFace people are passing opinion because OP started a thread on it, on a discussion forum.

If you dont want to hear them, you dont have to read them and the opinions on the thread.

In real life, I dont tell people in age gap relationship my opinion. If some asked and wanted a discussion on it, yes I would. But why would someone enter that discussion if they donr want to hear peoples opinions?

If they don't like me they've been faking it well for 20 odd years!

Seriously I have no reason to think that they are just being polite. Whenever we see each other there's no atmosphere. We live in different parts of the country so we're not in each other's pockets so I don't know if that makes a difference.

@Scarsthelot I didn't mean to cause any offence to the thread. Sorry if it came across that way

LexMitior why should there be mockery? Providing my friends are happy in their relationship then I'm happy for them and vice versa. I was older than the previous poster as I was 22 when I started seeing one DH but I don't regret it for one minute.

If you don’t think people laugh then I am afraid you are wrong - they may not when you are there because of manners but they certainly do at a safe distance.

Then again maybe I mix with nicer people than you, have you ever thought of that?

Thing is, if you’ve been together a long time then people probably don’t talk about it any more because it’s yesterday’s news. But I imagine that people would definitely have talked about it at the time you got together.

I knew someone who had a partner who was 60 and she was 21. I have no idea how or why they got together, although from what people say I gather that it was to do with his offering her lifts places etc as she doesn’t drive. They were together for over ten years during which time she had multiple affairs as sexually he just wasn’t up to anything, and then he developed Parkinson’s and had to go into a home.

And while people came to accept them as a couple, when she eventually split from him no-one was surprised and again started to say how they’d never understood how they’d got together in the first place. Not to her face no, but definitely to each other.

Possible. But there are enough jokes of the “is she really going out with him” that makes me think it’s widespread.

As I say, to imagine the world sees your relationship as you do is naive. This thread proves that isn’t the case. And people make jokes about anything they care to - including age gaps relationships. Macron gets this, so will anyone else I should think.

I was 22 when I started dating my then 40 year old husband. He was married, but separated, (living apart) when we met and had 3 children. It took us about 18 months to properly get together as I was REALLY unsure about getting involved with him, and we both had other relationships that needed ending. Hurt was definitely caused. We have been together about 12 years, are married and have two children. The age difference has never been an issue (in the sense that we get on really, really well, have loads to talk about and enjoy each others company. We are close, respect each other and are a strong couple) but I would be lying if I said I didn't struggle with the dynamics of step-children, ex-wives and him having 18 years of life before me, especially after I'd had our first child . Despite that, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. I love him to bits and still look forward to our future together. The positives have outweighed the negatives.

Comments yes, I accept that at the beginning but as we've been together 22 years I think we should be beyond that now. However laughing isn't on at any stage and anyone laughing at a friend's relationship isn't a friend and anyone laughing at a stranger needs to keep their beak out of it.

On the subject of Macron, wasn't she his teacher at one point? That seems wrong

@ MrsPworkingmummy so you were the OW? Typical example then of the cliche’d older man leaving his wife for a much younger model.

I remember a while back there was a documentary on age gap relationships, and TBH I don’t know whether they deliberately choose the weirdest couples to show on these types of programmes, but the couples most definitely were bloody weird.

In the one example the woman was the older partner, together with a bloke in his twenties who spent all of his life playing video games. She was loaded and had a special games room in the house for him... .

And the other example I remember was a young girl who had run off with her best friend’s dad. Much scandal about it at the time etc, but six months after they got together he had a massive stroke and she found herself as his full-time carer. She openly admitted that that wasn’t what she’d thought when they got together.

AlternativePerspective I can assure you that DH and I aren't like the couples in the programme, we're quite normal in comparison! In fact we're no different to most other couples except he's older than me although the git has less grey hair than me!

@FoxysFolkFace theres no offence taken. I was just pointing out that this is a discussion on this subject, that OP started which is why people are giving their opinion.

I also wanted you to know I dont run up to people in the street who have an age gap and tell them my opinion.

I do know a woman, in RL who at 36 had 4 kids and got together with someone who was 22. 2 years older than her oldest. Sh would get pissed off that people would presume her husband was one of her sons. As she got older it got worse. He was one of those lucky beggars who didn't age. She did. Everytime it happened she would go into a deep depression. Eventually, they split for other reasons (she was quite controlling he wanted a mother figure and it all fell apart) she then herewith someone of 30 when she was 50. And still getting more and more depressed people presume he is her son. She has kids older and younger than him.

She just wont date someone her own age, or get help to move past the issue. It's like she really believes her and her younger partners look the same age and when people show that she doesnt, she cant handle it. I have told her my opinion. Because she asked for it.

I was older than the previous poster as I was 22 when I started seeing one DH but I don't regret it for one minute

Was he still married at the time?

I'm not sure what it's got to do with anything but divorced