To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

I know several younger women in relationships with older men. The older men are all financially well off. The women all claim money is completely irrelevant, but i still find it too much of a coincidence that i dont know a single pair where the older male is hard up.

@Icedpurple, do you have evidence to back up that fact? I’d like to see any studies that prove that more men ‘actively’ seek out ‘much younger’ women. Truly, I’d be interested to see that data.

My reply, by the way, was in response to your statement that it's (nearly) always women who are asked to ignore such things and chastised for being 'shallow'. How many men are prepared to potentially play nursemaid for a much older wife? When I said I didn’t agree. Because that is not my experience. I know of plenty of older woman/younger man couples where the man is looking after his older wife.
I also find it weird how insistent you are that if you have to care for an older spouse it’s some awful thing that is done begrudgingly against your will. 2 of my children have disabilities, is it hard at times? Yes. But it’s not awful or done begrudgingly. My mums husband happily helps her with things she struggles with. Because that’s what you do when you love someone.

21 years older, personally I find that yuk
Old enough to be your dad
And when your 50 he will be 71 which is a totally different ball game

@missillusioned oh for sure. I'm sure a lot of it is what you can bring to the table. I'm sure a silver fox who keeps himself healthy and fit, has a positive attitude, is financially comfortable and great social skills has far more chance than a broke, lazy, unfit silver slob with a beer gut and no social skills.
A lot of it is what you can bring to the relationship and that is not always dependent on age.

@IcedPurple

So many of your own personal prejudices and thoughts are colouring your debate that you can't see why someone else makes certain life choices. 'Twas ever thus on MN, but this is a particularly egregious example.

Look; you may value "unencumbered", someone close to your age, someone without a past. That's fine. The statistics support your view if you want company, in that others agree.

However for some (some!) young women, they happen to meet someone who they consider is luminous, interesting, fun, attractive. That person forms a bond with them. Therefore to that young woman, they are the pick of their own field of vision. They are the best person they've met so far, and they choose to date them.

How is that impossible to understand? It happens, it happens numerous amounts of times, and those women choose it.

It may not be what YOU would choose, but it is what another woman chooses, so I support that as it's their lived experience and their choice. I don't need to personally desire something in order to understand it.

"what would you do/say if your best friend introduced their new partner who was 15-20 years older? Would you tell them he's a 'sad sack' or 'knobhead' or that she's got 'daddy issues'? "

As I've mentioned, @PinkSparklyPussyCat, I do know people in age gap relationships and yes, the 3 women involved all grew up without fathers/stable father figures. I'd not say to their faces that they had 'daddy issues' because that's none of my business but there was clearly a gap in their life. (And two of the men are definitely knobheads)

If a very close friend - or say, my brother or one of my kids - got into a relationship with someone significantly older or younger, yes, I'd query their motives and the background. I've seen predators before, I'd like to make sure my loved ones weren't being taken advantage of.

TO @AlternativePerspective, it's the Mrs Merton question, isn't it...
"What first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"

@IcedPurple that's often why these relationships don't lead to marriage. Many divorced men are reluctant to do it again, but they'll string their young partner along, possibly even have a second family with her, but never fully commit.

As to why they do it - I don't know, but it happens.
When the older woman has unusual looks and power it happens there too - Madonna, Demi Moore etc

So many of your own personal prejudices and thoughts are colouring your debate that you can't see why someone else makes certain life choices. 'Twas ever thus on MN, but this is a particularly egregious example.

Oh give over! This is an informal debate so of course we bring our own personal perspectives. You did too when you claimed that women are 'jealous' of young women who date middle aged dudes.

It may not be what YOU would choose, but it is what another woman chooses, so I support that as it's their lived experience and their choice. I don't need to personally desire something in order to understand it.

Again, your grasp of logic is poor. Of course people find happiness in all sorts of relationships. That's not the point. The point is that a PP was claiming that a man in his 40s would be the 'pick of the crop' for a much younger woman, even if he is divorced and with kids. In reality, he is not the 'pick of the crop' for most such women, as such relationships are pretty rare. If a woman does choose such a man, great, but usually, they won't. Just as few young men choose to settle down with middle aged women with children.

It's just a fact, not my personal perspective.

sugar daddies are not bull shit there are enough web sites offering exactly that arrangement. My friend was open and clear about her aims, she did not want kids, she did not want a younger man, she wanted one who would provide for her - end of- that is a sugar daddy - wealth and finance is relative but to say that there are not a bunch of men and women who go after older financially stable men is bull shit!!!

@Icedpurple, do you have evidence to back up that fact? I’d like to see any studies that prove that more men ‘actively’ seek out ‘much younger’ women. Truly, I’d be interested to see that data.

Look at the data on online dating. Men very often say they are only interested in (much) younger women, but women consistently say they prefer men about their own age.

Because that is not my experience. I know of plenty of older woman/younger man couples where the man is looking after his older wife.

That's fine, but statistically it is much rarer than the reverse.

I also find it weird how insistent you are that if you have to care for an older spouse it’s some awful thing that is done begrudgingly against your will.

That's not what I said at all. Obviously if you love someone you will care for them, but to set yourself up for a situation where you will very likely be caring for a partner when you yourself are relatively young isn't ideal. Very very few men would volunteer for it.

@IcedPurple

You're again conflating things from a potentially narrow viewpoint.

I agree that the PP is incorrect in assuming any divorced man who has kept himself well is somehow automatically top pick.

However the "crop" is not some objective standard that everyone agrees on, made up of commonly agreed attributes (no 'baggage', similar age, clean cut, professional background etc).

It's whatever an individual decides are their options (if anyone even is that cynical) based on their viewfinder of the world, the people they meet.

So I can completely see how a single divorced man with kids, if charismatic, friendly, funny, good looking, could easily be a lot of people's picks despite his past and his baggage. It's not impossible at all.

I also find it weird how insistent you are that if you have to care for an older spouse it’s some awful thing that is done begrudgingly against your will

I dont know of a single person caring for someone with severe dementia who doesnt think its an awful thing and wished they didnt have to do it. Being a carer is often an exhausting and thankless job with no respite or opportunity for self care. I actually DO know people who ended up as carer for their spouse (much older) and whilst they do it because they feel its their duty, they do not enjoy it one bit and feel very bitter about how their life turned out. To be honest - who the hell am I to say they can't feel like that? Unless i'm in their shoes its not up to me to tell them how to feel.

However the "crop" is not some objective standard that everyone agrees on, made up of commonly agreed attributes (no 'baggage', similar age, clean cut, professional background etc

Well no, but given that women consistently say that they prefer men their own age, and that marriages where at least one partner is divorced and has children have a very high failure rate, then I think it's reasonable to say that divorced men in their 40s won't be high up on most women's list of catches.

So I can completely see how a single divorced man with kids, if charismatic, friendly, funny, good looking, could easily be a lot of people's picks despite his past and his baggage.

Can you just as easily see lots of young men queuing up for 'charismatic' divorced, middle aged mums?

Thank you for answering @Arthritica.

I think my case must be different to a lot of others on here. I grew up in a stable home with no 'Daddy issues' - my Dad was disabled but I never went without and I had two uncles who both were both strong male figures in my life, one of whom still is.

There's nothing sad about my husband and I'm not a gold digger (no gold to dig!). We've been together 22 years now and, as I said in a previous post, I know I risk being alone from a younger age but I wouldn't change what we have other than knocking 20 years off his age! Although I was only 22 when we got together I went into it with my eyes open as there was 15 years between my uncle and aunt. Ironically he was the one left on his own when she died 8 years ago.

I personally find any age gap >10 years revolting, and assume there is something wrong with both parties.

When I said 'pick of the crop' I mean of course compared to other men his age - he's not going to compete with the best of the 30 somethings, but he will still look a good choice compared to a broke lad who works in ASDA and spends every weekend getting wasted, or a man of 45 who is bald and overweight.
If he has children they may well be adults.

"Can you just as easily see lots of young men queuing up for 'charismatic' divorced, middle aged mums?"

There are a few actually, yes - but they get accused of "squatting" in the divorced woman's house or whatever the term is.

I think a lot of it comes down to how unencumbered you feel by your life choices, and how good your self image and self esteem is. l

I think there are a number of people I've met who after a separation, feel as if the kids became "their responsibility" - these are almost invariably women. Those children primarily live with them, their whole identity is much more around the family unit. This can make it more challenging to assert one's own identity. Some men are much less responsible (to their detriment) and float around as a single entity after divorce, as if nothing has ever happened to them etc. It's a strange thing and I'm making huge generalisations but I think this is the case.

So there's a cynicism around both ends of the spectrum in terms of relationships.

wealth and finance is relative but to say that there are not a bunch of men and women who go after older financially stable men is bull shit!!!

i wasn't looking for a "sugar daddy", but having a man who can provide a comfortable enough life isn't really a bad thing.

DH is 45 has all his own hair and teeth, owns his bussiness, healthy BMI and pretty good in bed ( if I say so myself). I think he is a great catch. My 26 year old self wouldn't have given him a second look ( too old, too boring, teenage kids, wrong taste in music). So if he niw left me ( more fool him) how could I be jealous of the poor deluded 26 yo he hooked up with ?

I honestly don't mind as it's each to their own, I can't judge as I'm 25 and I'm in a relationship with a 31 year old.

I think as long as people are happy it's fine but I couldn't go for someone too old as I would be thinking how old would they be when I'm 40? And I definitely couldn't go for someone really younger than me.

I always think the most important part of being life partners is that it's a meeting of equals. DH and I are only a year apart in age, we spent the first 11 years of our relationship earning very similar amounts, we've both been educated to the same level... There's no imbalance anywhere. Anything that is massively askew in those areas seems strange to me - a real relationship of equals, between a school drop out and a PhD? Or someone on NMW and someone earning 6 figures? How would that ever be an equal relationship? Age gap is the same thing.

I personally find any age gap >10 years revolting, and assume there is something wrong with both parties

Nothing wrong with either of us thanks!

I personally find any age gap >10 years revolting, and assume there is something wrong with both parties

Wow, what a delightful comment
This, and many other comments on here pretty much sums up my initial thoughts as set out in my original post. A real shame.

Sorry for typos.

I always think the most important part of being life partners is that it's a meeting of equals

I don't think there would be a 100% equality in any relationship. Even if you earn exactly the same amount or have exactly the same qualifications. There will always be some sort of give and take, especially in things you can't exactly measure. (i.e. emotional labour)