To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

yes, because what women want is a factor too, obviously! So, OLD is a massive time wasting exercise for most people.

Men try to get a woman who is out of their league and I think women just want to use it for the introductions and are aware of the numbers game. They're aware it's effort.

A large percentage of women realise that if they wanted to settle for a much older man they could have just gone for the devil they know at their local pub. No need to make it more complicated and nefarious by going on line.

But when all is said and done, nobody has to date anybody they don't want to date. It's optional. Thankfully!

IMO people who get quite so upset about what others think of their relationship do so because somewhere deep down something doesn’t feel quite right to them. They may not acknowledge that for themselves, but if others are voicing negative views then that brings those thoughts (and possible doubts) to the fore.

I think that it’s not always older men who are wanting to be in control. Think that in circumstances there is definitely a case of younger woman being in the situation for the money, e.g. the (much younger) gf’s of rock stars for instance. You can’t tell me that the gf of e.g. mick jagger is in love because I simply don’t believe it. I think there is of course likely the younger sexual attraction for him as well, but for her I have absolutely no doubt that it’s about money. And let’s be honest here, a 30 year old with a 70 year old knows she’s not likely going to have to be around for the long hall...

In sickness and in health works in principle because most people don’t actually think they’ll have to follow through. But I don’t believe that anyone who gets together with a man 25 years her senior will be thinking that in twenty years time he may have dementia and she’ll be his long term carer. It’s easy to say “oh I’ll be there/it doesn’t matter” when it’s not current.

The idea of being with a man my dad’s age is horrifying, but conversely if he brought home a woman my age I certainly wouldn’t be welcoming the relationship with open arms.

@HelenaDove, credit where it's due, your posts have evolved! So
There was a time when you just raced in to defend older man/younger man relationships but your posts on this thread weren't what they would have been once. I never said anything about marriage vows. So I'm not hypocritical in my post to you or generally. I don't mean to hurt you personally but yes my general view is that younger women who marry a much older man hand over their one and only youth as an elixir to an old man and that can't be easy to read. Namaste though. No gripe with you personally. I wouldn't say you've had it easy.

@AlternativePerspective YY

@Helenadove, so you were 19 when you met?

All those talking about being carers, I hope life stays fine for them. I know two people who became carers for their partners when they were all under 35. One diagnosed with a serious degenerative disease and another life changing injuries after an accident. Yes if you have an older partner you're more likely to be a carer but shit happens at any age.

A large percentage of women realise that if they wanted to settle for a much older man they could have just gone for the devil they know at their local pub. No need to make it more complicated and nefarious by going on line.

Exactly. This is why it cracks me up how we're supposed to be 'jealous' of young women bagging older men, as though your average middle aged bloke were a geat catch. Pretty much every woman can recount stories of being chased by older men in her youth, and will likely say she found these approaches comical at best, repulsive at worst. You really don't have to be anything special to get yourself an older dude - the 'market' is massively tilted in favour of the woman .

Yes if you have an older partner you're more likely to be a carer but shit happens at any age

Of course it can happen to anyone. Noone is denying that. But if your partner is say, 25 years older than you, the likelihood of it happening is much, much greater because ageing is a normal process and it happens to everyone (if you're lucky) unlike a freak accident that occurs rarely but can happen to any age.

My Nan was over 20 years younger than my grandad. They were together over 45 years before he died. My Nan then lived for another 20 years before she died. There is always a good chance if marrying someone older you will be left alone but if she hadn’t have married him she would have missed out on the 45 good years.

I married a man only a couple of years older and was widowed by my early 50s. If I live as long as my mother I am looking at over 30 years without him. So to me age is just a couple of numbers. Do what makes you happy now as you can’t say what is around the corner.

@IcedPurple most relationships never make it to marriage though. It is often the case that an age gap relationship will end due to the pressures of a big gap becoming difficult and then one party will marry someone of a similar age shortly after.

Hope this isn't outing....DSis and her 2 best friends all have much older (17-25 years) male partners and young chikdren . So the women are 38-45, the men 58-70 and the DCs all under 9. 2 of these men have or are being investigated for serious longterm medical conditions (think heart/cancer). I think this is partly due to prolonged batchelorhood (hard drinking, hard partying for many years).
It looks like a fucking shitstorm tbh. I couldn't be less jealous.

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade.

There is a 9yr gap between us and 17yrs of (female) fertility issues meant that when I finally fell pregnant (without medical assistance) DH was already 50 (and 52 when we had our second).

I can honestly say that our 'sexual prowess' is better now (we are 58 & 67) than it has ever been. Youngest has just gone off to uni, DH retired, empty house and disposable income does wonders for your sex life - even though you can't imagine it when you are 20 something.

After 36yrs of shared love, trust and experience sex only gets better.

And most of my friends in their 40s report similar freedoms.

It's just the same as thinking about your parents having sex when you are younger, you can't, and don't want to imagine it. But plenty of couples have a fulfilling and satisfactory sex life long beyond 45+

@IcedPurple most relationships never make it to marriage though. It is often the case that an age gap relationship will end due to the pressures of a big gap becoming difficult and then one party will marry someone of a similar age shortly after.

Yes that's true. But if we take marriage statistics as a rough equivalent to 'serious relationships' then we can conclude that most serious relationships are between people of similar age. Also, marriages with a large age gap have a higher risk of divorce.

@beautifulstranger101 it's not as common as age appropriate relationships, but it does happen more often than the older woman/ younger man relationship.

Realistically the older man in question tends to be the pick of the crop too - most out of shape, balding men don't stand a chance it's true, but a man of 45-50 who has stayed slim, kept his hair and teeth and is solvent will probably find a woman of 25-35 to go out with him, especially if he is open to starting a family.

Because people sadly in my own family, and others I know, in these kind of relationships usually are in them due to some sort of trauma, issue or other unresolved problem in their lives. I know this doesn't mean it is the case for every single one.
Generally relationships are about growing together and being at the same stage of life together.
As PP said, often the older men in these relationships are a bit sad, enjoy the imbalance / power which comes with age and often are dating women that are the same age as their children from a previous marriage, or could be their daughters.
It all rings warning bells and makes me feel it is a bit off and not quite right due to the experiences I have had of these kind of relationships.

@beautifulstranger101 I know, you've rather missed the point of my comment I think. Numerous PPs have essentially said they don't want to be their partners carer, I'm saying I hope life stays fine for them, and for their partners !

I disagree the "pick of the crop" will have formed a functional relationship at the developmentally appropriate time and still be in it.

a man of 45-50 who has stayed slim, kept his hair and teeth and is solvent will probably find a woman of 25-35 to go out with him, especially if he is open to starting a family.

But as I said, the statistics show that marriages with such large age gaps are very rare. Surely a young woman should have higher standards than a decades older man who managed to keep his own hair and teeth? Sounds utterly grim.

YABU. The ol' 'age is just a number' doesn't hold up when the woman is past fertility and the man wants kids (unless there's money to go buy some young woman's genetic material to create a child).

The pick of the crop may well have formed a functional relationships but divorce is pretty common in middle aged men so they become available again

Think that in circumstances there is definitely a case of younger woman being in the situation for the money, e.g. the (much younger) gf’s of rock stars for instance. You can’t tell me that the gf of e.g. mick jagger is in love because I simply don’t believe it. I think there is of course likely the younger sexual attraction for him as well, but for her I have absolutely no doubt that it’s about money.

This might sound bad, but when I look at the current girlfriends of the likes of Mick Jagger, it occurs to me that he wouldn't have even looked at them when he was in his prime and dating the likes of Jerry Hall and Marianne Faithfull. Even the rich and famous don't always get their pick of hot young women.

My BF's grandfather was twenty five years older than his grandmother, and they seemed so in love until he died at 97. The day after his funeral, she said to both of us never to marry an older man - she loved him so much but recognised that she had dedicated a lot of years that should have been part of a dynamic retirement caring for an increasingly elderly and disabled husband. She said, had she realised this at 22, she wouldn't do it again, even though she loved him.

Food for thought. (She died at 81, still loving him-but still aware of the price she'd paid for doing so)

Not in functional relationships it's not.
I would be very wary of a divorcee especially one with dependant DCs. A 25-35 yo woman should be able to do better than that.

The pick of the crop may well have formed a functional relationships but divorce is pretty common in middle aged men so they become available again

But why would a middle aged man burdened (financially, emotionally, logistically) with an ex wife and kids be the 'pick of the crop' for a young woman who can have an attracive, unencumbered man close to her own age?

Well seemingly there are many women who will only date or be attracted to older males so as another poster said they will go with that because they can