To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

This is true @Scarsthelot

''As I said, I hope your marriage is long and happy. But you could, equally, find yourself feeling very differently in 10 years. Or at least a bit embarrassed that you though women were just jealous if you.''

From what I've witnessed, age gap relationships can be fraught with issues and underlying imbalances that can be really disturbing.

At least three age gap relationships I know involve a much wealthier, older man married to a much younger woman. The men call all the shots financially to the point where it's bordering on abusive in at least one case. They do very little "wife work" or childcare which completely stifles the wife's ability to forge any sort of meaningful career. They all justify this on the basis that their contribution is financial so the wife doesn't need to work and besides the wife was the one that was so insistent on having a child in the first place.

Writing all of the above, I'm actually shocked how similar the age gap relationships I know of are. The couples don't know each other so it's not like they are influencing each other. I suspect that although all age gap relationships aren't the same, there might ne specific traits in people drive them to look for a much older or younger partner. For example, all the men I know in age gap relationships are quite controlling and definitely not looking for an equal partner. The women are all very nice and eager to please.

Firstly, shallow much? We all age and we don’t stay 25 forever.

I'm not sure that pointing out that your husband is likely to suffer from health issues and significant physical deterioration while you are still in your prime is 'shallow'.

Plus, as has been said numerous times, it's (nearly) always women who are asked to ignore such things and chastised for being 'shallow'. How many men are prepared to potentially play nursemaid for a much older wife?

Firstly, shallow much? We all age and we don’t stay 25 forever

No, we dont. So what is the justification then for men who are older constantly seeking out much younger women? Doesnt that make them extremely shallow too? It must do by this rationale.

It's hypocritical to condemn people for saying on this thread what people think about relationships with big age gaps - it's what the OP asked, for heaven's sake.

When I see a much older man with a young woman, I think he's a sad sack who's using her youth to trick himself he's not ageing, or he's seeking power over someone. I tend to think he'll be a bit of a knobhead, becasue he can't handle a relationship with his peers.
I think she's either flattered (waves to patriarchy) or has daddy issues. The three women I knew in 25yr+ age gap relationships all had absent fathers, so I guess that colours my view. A few are seeking financial security at the cost of their youth (waves at patriarchy again).

Older woman/young lad? It's pretty rare in comparison. I mean, Madonna and her wee bloke grossed me out because what can they possibly have in common? She could be his gran! But don't really know enough of that type of relationship to haver a view.

Still, the societal cost is higher for older women. Women are called cougars and Mrs Robinsons and stuff, men get congratulated by other men. It's a massive imbalance.

@SunshineAngel Do bore off. Calling people nasty and judgemental for voicing strong opinions that you don't like, just makes you look immature and bratty. Grow up!

@Arthiritica

I agree with everything you say up there... ^^ Especially this bit!

It's hypocritical to condemn people for saying on this thread what people think about relationships with big age gaps - it's what the OP asked, for heaven's sake.

This exactly. Not only hypocritical, but pathetic and immature.

ALSO, if people are soooo fragile and precious, that they can't take someone else having different opinions (that their dainty little ears don't like to hear,) then they're in the wrong place!

@PinkSparklyPussyCat Just @ - ing you to piss you off.

Judging by your posts it doesn't take a lot anyway.

Fair enough, the OP asked for opinions but it's the sheer level of nastiness from some poster that amazes me. Arthritica, as you're the latest, what would you do/say if your best friend introduced their new partner who was 15-20 years older? Would you tell them he's a 'sad sack' or 'knobhead' or that she's got 'daddy issues'? Or would you do what most reasonable people would do and get to know him before judging?

There is no secret about why the older man/ younger woman relationship is more common than vice versa and it's not because older women are more sensible.

Young men generally want sex, not relationships. Young women are more likely to want relationships. As there are fewer young men who want relationships, some of these women date older.

Young men will have sex with older women. But they don't want relationships, so they're not going to have one with the older woman. Most older women are realistic about this, so don't go for younger men unless they just want sex.

Older men know that they have more of a chance of a relationship with a younger woman, so they do it because they can.

I like younger men. Youth is very attractive. If I thought a younger man would have a relationship with me, I'd definitely go for it! But I know the chances are very slim and I'm pragmatic about that.

'Nastiness' ... AKA 'things being said that I don't like to hear, and disagree with.'

Grow up, seriously.

@TigerOnATrain I take it your referring to my posts on this thread as when I'm talking to reasonable people I'm not remotely pissed off. Anyway, I'd rather be easily pissed off than bitter, judgemental and childish.

Curious- is it nasty to point out health issues in advancing age? because that isn't speculation, thats fact. I even posted a study on ED and the effects of health issues in men over 65. Is that nasty? I dont think it is- its something that affects men if a certain age. Yes, there will always be anecdotal evidence of super fit men in their 60s but this is really not the general norm (ive worked in NHS and seen it first hand)

@IcedPurple I was refering to the comments about ‘combovers’ and ‘saggy bodies’ and such with that comment. I married my ex because I loved him, if he’d had a horrible accident that disfigure him I’d still have loved him. It’s very shallow to base a relationship on the way someone looks right now in my opinion as it will change. I also don’t accept that I was ‘expected’ to do anything with my older husband, no one made me marry him.
I know of at least 10 relationships where the older partner is female in my family/friendship circle too, my mothers husband of 33 years is 18 years younger for instance, so I don’t personally agree with your point there.
@beautifulstranger, yes, of course if someone continuously dates people BECAUSE they are young that is also shallow, I never said otherwise. But that’s not my personal experience of most age gap relationships I know.

Young men generally want sex, not relationships. Young women are more likely to want relationships. As there are fewer young men who want relationships, some of these women date older.

But most marriages in Britain are between couples with an age difference of under 5 years.

Older men know that they have more of a chance of a relationship with a younger woman, so they do it because they can.

Mostly they can't though. Statistically, large age gaps are actually pretty rare. The internet is heaving with men in their 40s and 50s seeking young women, but very few will achieve their aims.

"That was way below the belt to HelenaDove. Not cool"

YY @GinDaddy And extremely hypocritical and dripping with double standards. Because going by the way some of the posters on this thread have been banging on about how important marriage vows are (when it comes to an older man leaving for a younger woman) i would have thought the in sickness and in health vow would be seen as just as important But no we have the cherry picking of the vows that suit again.

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

So now you don't know whether I am referring to you or not???

Make up your mind, do you want @ - ing in or NOT?

And, am I talking about you? Well.. if the cap fits.....

Yes, I am. But not just you. There are a few more like you on here (unfortunately.)

No Tiger, it's not just because I disagree with something, it's when it involves judging people just because of their age and looks.

I'll ask you the same as I asked a previous poster, what would you do if a friend introduced their older partner?

@TigerOnATrain

Here's a personal perspective.

I don't find things I don't like to hear, or disagree with, as nasty. In any way.

Being told "some men have a strange obsession with dating younger women and that's gross"...that's an opinion. Doesn't offend me. Not nasty.,

Being told "fuck off" as some posters have been, or one poster being told "your sexless relationship isn't an example for anyone" ....hmm. I think that's unnecessarily nasty.

There is a clear distinction, and it's when it gets personal and/or abusive.

AIBU should not be a tent underneath which nasty, abusive posters can shelter in order to give people a right good kicking in the name of "debate".

I know of at least 10 relationships where the older partner is female in my family/friendship circle too, my mothers husband of 33 years is 18 years younger for instance, so I don’t personally agree with your point there.

It's not a question of 'agreeing'. Anecotal evidence aside - and bearing in mind that, as I said above, large age gap relationships are pretty rare in any gender combination - men are much more likely to actively seek out much younger women than the reverse. That's just a fact.

Anywayz. I'm out, coz I have a NY Eve party to prepare for.

Over and out.

Older men know that they have more of a chance of a relationship with a younger woman, so they do it because they can

I dont agree with this at all. I have lots of friends dating at the moment and they all find much older men contacting them online rather gross. Especially considering that they have specified on their profiles that they only want a 5 year age gap and men sometimes 25 years older are contacting them. Stats show that most long term relationships are within a small age gap so its really not true that older men are more likely to find a younger woman. They might WANT it, but wanting something and getting it are two very different issues

GinDaddy, well said. I also don't like some of the unnecessary name calling to people in age gap relationships. I'm just glad I had supportive parents!

Sadly your description of AIBU is too accurate

A woman of 26 with a man of 47 is no problem at all. A woman of 60 ( relatively well and fit) has a partner 0f 80. I have frinds in the situation and I can tell you it is a million miles from what you are enjoyng now

DH is 70 in a couple of months. Im 46. In his case im the only younger woman he has ever dated. We met in 1992

What should I do, divorce him before he gets to 80?!

(This is meant light heartedly before anyone tells me it's a good idea!)

Like i said its a safe prejudice.