To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

@IcedPurple True. But as the child of the second marriage can you really blame me for being glad they did it?

@IcedPurple

You said about men 15 years older than you - "and to be perfectly frank, I'm just not physically attracted to men that age."

Fair enough, everyone has a preference. And then you said in your next sentence:

"those men who actively and exclusively seek out much younger women tend to have serious issues."

So which is it? Do you have serious issues for not finding older men attractive? (15 years is hardly a chasm when you're 50, but still, your preference).

Or do older men have serious issues for seeking out women 15 years younger?

Genuine question.... as surely there can't be a double standard here.

Every couple is different, big age gaps work for some and not others. However young people need to realise that their older partner may well be quite old while they are still in their prime. It depends on how much older, I'm assuming here we're speaking of a 20 year or so age difference.

In some cultures age is revered and a young woman (I'm not talking about child brides but young women), grows in status by marrying an older man.

I occasionally fancied an older man when I was young but I doubt I would have married one. I was extremely lively and youthful at 50 and couldn't imagine myself then with a man of 70 but as said, it works for some.

I understand before folk say it, that younger women can be impressionable and there's a power issue here perhaps.

But when it comes purely down to what people find attractive, I am just trying to understand that someone can say "I don't fancy older men", but also say "men who fancy younger women have serious issues".

I met my husband when he was 24 and I was 34. Which only just makes the ‘divide by 2 and add 7’ calculation.

I know quite a few older ladies with younger men. It’s not my ‘type’ we just clicked and were at the same place in life.

So which is it? Do you have serious issues for not finding older men attractive? (15 years is hardly a chasm when you're 50, but still, your preference).

I'd say 15 years is a pretty significant age gap. And I don't think I need to have any 'serious issues' for not finding old men - a man 15 years my senior officially qualifies as 'old' - physically attractive. Would you be asking men my age what 'issues' they have in not finding old women hot?

*Or do older men have serious issues for seeking out women 15 years younger?

Genuine question.... as surely there can't be a double standard here.*

Sorry... what the hell are you talking about? Where did I say I would only consider men 15 years my junior? I didn't say that, did I?

I am glad they did what they did or I wouldn’t be here

How do you think the family your father left for feel? No doubt the kids are messed up. The selfish prick

I doubt the wife and children he dumped to go abroad after a younger woman would see things in quite such a rosy fashion.

Agree. Less a romantic gesture, more a way to avoid responsibility.

True. But as the child of the second marriage can you really blame me for being glad they did it?

Yes because if he hadn't dumped his existing wife and children to run after a younger woman in another country, you simply wouldn't exist and therefore could experience no emotions of any sort.

If he did the same thing to you and your mother - ie abandoned you to pursue a younger woman abroad - would you be so rosy-eyed about it?

tigeronatrain

But the fact is that if you marry someone a generation older than you, they are far more likely to be infirm. and needing care, while YOU are still quite young. And you are far more likely to end up as a carer for an OAP, (when you are little more than 40-45.) It will probably be alongside caring for your own parents AND possibly looking after children. Probably need to work as well, as his pension won't go far.

@beautifulstranger101

Yes, I agree 100% but if you point this out you are being unkind and cruel apparently and someone will pipe up that their 96 year old partner is a bodybuilder, has no health issues and is up for sex 7 times a night. Every night. I agree we shouldn't judge who anyone chooses to date- thats their business entirely. But when specifically asked our opinion on age gap relationships (as the OP did) it is not wrong to point out the potential disadvantages or consequences of a huge age gap. Its reality, and pretending issues like this don't exist is just really stupid.

Yeah this exactly. Mumsnet is littered with ridiculous whataboutery like this.

@SunshineAngel

My partner is 21 years older than me. I have always dated older men, but not that much older. I didn't seek him out, and he didn't seek me out. We have a shared hobby, and met through that, and started talking. We clicked, started going for drinks with a group of friends, eventually started going out alone - exactly how you would expect to get with someone your own age. My family and his were definitely wary about the age gap, but for us, it works. The only thing I worry about is that I could be left on my own for 20 years when he passes away, but to be fair, I could die first, there's no way of knowing.

We have been together for two years now, and live together. This relationship is much better than any other I've been in. We run a business together, have a shared hobby (along with separate ones, so get time to ourselves too) and enjoy evenings in watching TV - we like the same shows!

WOW, you have been together a whole two years?!

Yeah, coz THAT is a great example of a big-age-gap relationship working long-term

And LOL at the poster calling my post nasty and judgemental. What about the poster who said her mother and father have been together 40 years - after her dad left his wife and kids (for HER MOTHER,) and fucked off to another country???

@PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks

This was my mum and dad when they met. He was a married father, 20y older than her. He left everything behind for her, moved to another country.

What a romantic story..... NOT.

As a few posters have said, what about his bloody wife who he left for this younger woman? To hell with her eh? And what about his kids?! Fucks sake! How can you possibly peddle this as a nice, lovely, happy story?!

And someone has the nerve to slag ME off!

@PinkSparklyPussyCat

Now, go and 'address' someone else's posts, who are far worse than mine. Yep, run along, there's a wee poppet!

@IcedPurple

You are taking my post deliberately literally. I know you never said you are seeking younger men. I have not ascribed that to you!

I was comparing your views (IcedPurple is not attracted to men 15 years older) to your statement in the same post where you said "those men who actively and exclusively seek out much younger women tend to have serious issues."

Never mind.

"Younger women aren’t so attracted to someone who can’t work for health reasons or earns a very low wage."

The misogyny towards women on here is appalling. The older men i have dated have been a hospital porter a care worker and a delivery driver. This "gold digger" is doing it all wrong.

I was comparing your views (IcedPurple is not attracted to men 15 years older) to your statement in the same post where you said "those men who actively and exclusively seek out much younger women tend to have serious issues."

But since I don't seek out younger men, there is no comparison to make.

Never mind is right. You seem incapable of following an argument.

I've already been a wee poppet and addressed some other posts, although none quite as bitter and patronising as yours. And please don't @ me, I don't need notifications from the likes of you in my inbox thanks.

@TigerOnATrain On reflection, you sound like a horrible, judgemental person. And okay so two years might not be the longest relationship, but it is a reasonable amount of time to know if you work with another person. It’s different to just having been on a few dates.

I don’t know what you think gives you the right to come in here and cast judgement on other people’s life choices and situations. The partner who I dated closest to my age raped me. The man I’m with now is wonderful. Age never tells the full story.

Please don’t quote me again. Enjoy your sad pathetic life. If the most enjoyment you can get is judging others then go ahead, I guess.

@HelenaDove I don't know why you would see your own sexless carer/caree marriage as any kind of evidence that this type of relationship works out. Don't take it personally. Nobody is judging you personally but your marriage is from your own posts, not one that anybody would envy.

@IcedPurple

You seem incapable of understanding allusion, inference, or wider comparison outside of your own personal example.

Sounds like we'd best agree to disagree and move on.

@Sh0na

That was way below the belt to HelenaDove. Not cool.

I agree with you there Icedpurple. at 49, a man of 64, that is a chasm to me!! Of course it is. And no man can claim not to grasp that. If a woman of 49 is too old for a man of 49 then he can hardly claim to be baffled.

You seem incapable of understanding allusion, inference, or wider comparison outside of your own personal example.

Yes I guess I'm just not clever enough to understand why my saying I don't physically fancy OAPs 15 years my senior is the same thing as men my age insisting that they will only date women young enough to be their daughters.

@Oksanna You sound very patronizing

More patronizing than telling women their opinion on age gap relationships is just formed from jealousy?

Really?

Yes my first marriage didnt work. Partly due to age. And yes, in my 30s life experience taught me things. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

All I am saying is that instead of assuming women are just jealous, which is very immature, maybe remember they just have more and different experience to you.

As I said, I hope your marriage is long and happy. But you could, equally, find yourself feeling very differently in 10 years. Or at least a bit embarrassed that you though women were just jealous if you.

And @Helena, not posting this because of @gindaddy, but sorry, I thought you were doing what you usually do, racing to defend older man / younger woman relationships but I see that that is not what you have done! Yay!

Or do older men have serious issues for seeking out women 15 years younger?

Often, yes.

Most people in their 40s and 50s are trying to balance work and caring for children and parents. It’s difficult and usually means you have less freedom. If you start a relationship with somebody much younger it’s likely that you are either compromising their freedom or trying to find a way to avoid responsibility.

Obviously there are exceptions, and people do exist who just don’t find the right person until later in life, but there are plenty of reasons to see red flags.

I mentioned that ill-health can happen at any age, obviously I’m aware the it is more likely as a person ages, but I mentioned it that can happen however young you are, in the context of it you love someone then you deal with that kind of thing.
Ooh he might get infirm
Ooh he might get ED
Ooooh his skin might sag
Firstly, shallow much? We all age and we don’t stay 25 forever.
Secondly, do you not think people who have older partners aren’t aware that this might happen? Was I supposed to have denied myself 20 years of a good marriage where I was happy and loved, because he will get old one day?!

Some of these comments have blown my mind with how judgemental and generalising of an entire population of people they are. I thought in 2019 we had moved on abit... clearly not

I agree with you there Icedpurple. at 49, a man of 64, that is a chasm to me!! Of course it is. And no man can claim not to grasp that. If a woman of 49 is too old for a man of 49 then he can hardly claim to be baffled.

Well exactly. How many men my age find women 15 years older to be hot, Helen Mirren or Susan Sarandon (perhaps) aside? Age differences are always fobbed off as insignificant when it's the man who is older, never the reverse.