To feel disappointed about the attitude towards age gap relationships on MN

[Daxilove]

Noticed a thread on here earlier about a woman whose DH left her for a much younger woman. Not condoning that particular scenario at all but I noticed so many of the comments were about the fact that there’s no way the relationship would last due to the age gap, they can’t have anything in common, OW must be a gold digger to be interested in an older man and so on.

I’m young (26) and don’t find myself attracted to men my own age at all. I usually choose to date men between 40-50 and am currently in a relationship with a 47 year old. We have lots in common, plenty to talk about and genuine mutual attraction. Yes DP is a high earner, but I am too and I’m certainly not after his money, I have my own! We love to spend our money on luxurious holidays, eating out at special places, shopping for nice things etc. As a feminist, it makes me disappointed to think that people must see us out and about together and assume that I’m some sort of gold digger or he’s a “sugar daddy”. Is this really still what people automatically think of age gap relationships in this day and age?!

No offence, but why is that 'FYI'?

It’s information for you. I mean it’s all there in je acronym

Ive no reason to be defensive - that’s the point. I’m single . I’m also capable of judging a situation on its merits without using generalisations. It’s useful.

I think the attitude is often because of the stereotype of the man leaving his wife and children for a younger woman - so emotions are already higher because of the situation, and the wife obviously finds it a kick in the teeth for her partner to get with someone who is much younger than her.

It's not always like that. My grandparents had an age gap of 20 years and they were together for decades, until my grandad died last month at the age of 96. They were an amazing couple, and so incredibly happy right until the last day.

My partner is 21 years older than me. I have always dated older men, but not that much older. I didn't seek him out, and he didn't seek me out. We have a shared hobby, and met through that, and started talking. We clicked, started going for drinks with a group of friends, eventually started going out alone - exactly how you would expect to get with someone your own age. My family and his were definitely wary about the age gap, but for us, it works. The only thing I worry about is that I could be left on my own for 20 years when he passes away, but to be fair, I could die first, there's no way of knowing.

We have been together for two years now, and live together. This relationship is much better than any other I've been in. We run a business together, have a shared hobby (along with separate ones, so get time to ourselves too) and enjoy evenings in watching TV - we like the same shows!

You just can't put an age on love, nor should you try. Okay, so sometimes there are barriers that become bigger as time goes by, but not always. For me, it is not about power or money. I have a better paid job. He is not well off, he won't be leaving me anything when he passes away, his house (which I live in) will be given to his son. I am fine with that.

@TigerOnATrain

"the reality is that no middle aged man should be in a relationship with a woman who is young enough to be his daughter. It's just weird."

My mother and father were in one. My mother's mother adored him. Everyone was happy.

What's weird about that real-life example?

Besides older women and younger men makes far more sense.....he can keep up with her sex drive and women tend to live longer so it evens out.

But the fact is that if you marry someone a generation older than you, they are far more likely to be infirm. and needing care, while YOU are still quite young. And you are far more likely to end up as a carer for an OAP, (when you are little more than 40-45.) It will probably be alongside caring for your own parents AND possibly looking after children. Probably need to work as well, as his pension won't go far

Yes, I agree 100% but if you point this out you are being unkind and cruel apparently and someone will pipe up that their 96 year old partner is a bodybuilder, has no health issues and is up for sex 7 times a night. Every night. I agree we shouldn't judge who anyone chooses to date- thats their business entirely. But when specifically asked our opinion on age gap relationships (as the OP did) it is not wrong to point out the potential disadvantages or consequences of a huge age gap. Its reality, and pretending issues like this dont exist is just really stupid.

the much younger woman had started a relationship with a married father. I wouldn't say anything but I do judge that sort of person. Both of them

This was my mum and dad when they met. He was a married father, 20y older than her. He left everything behind for her, moved to another country.
40y later they are still together, and from what I know they have a healthy and loving relationship.
I am glad they did what they did or I wouldn’t be here

My Ex-husband was a lot older than me. Our divorce was not even remotely related to the age gap though. If anything, I found his behaviours childish.

@PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks It's nothing to brag about though is it.

Men in their 45+ are sadly not renowned for their sexual prowess which rapidly starts to decline over the next decade. Mind is able but not their body

Absolute load of crap. 25y age gap between me and a bloke I’ve been with recently. He’s late 50s. More stamina than anyone else I’ve been with, plus more skill. Best sex I’ve ever had. He keeps himself in shape though which maybe helps.

It’s information for you.

Entirely irrelevant 'information' though, unless you think I wanted to be 'informed' about the opinions of a complete stranger?

I’m also capable of judging a situation on its merits without using generalisations. It’s useful.

But the 'situation' is a general one. We are talking about women who only date much older men, and men who only date much younger women, and the much, much rarer situation where the genders are reversed, something which is surely also worthy of discussion for those pretending that these things are of no social significance. We are not talking about individual cases of someone who just happens to fall in love with a much older man (and again much much more rarely the reverse) but about those who actively seek out age gap relationships.

The fact that these relationships nearly always involve younger women and older men is worthy of a discussion on general terms, however defensive some might feel about it.

You have the exception there.

You just can't put an age on love, nor should you try

I mean... that sounds cute in a Hallmark card sort of way, but if age is so irrelevant, why do young men rarely seek out older women? Why do so many men refuse to date women close to their own age? Why did you yourself say you had always dated older men?

I’ve never been interested in men my own age. OH is 13 years older than me. We were 20 and 33

This is the of statement that confuses me and I touched on in my PP. apart from the fact you met and settled down very soon in to your adult life, when was the 'never' you describe? You'd only have had 2-3 years previously where it was actually appropriate (and I use that loosely as a 17 year old dating a 30 year old doesn't sit entirely well) to be dating a much older man. Surely it just happened, you met a man and he was older and it worked. You don't have a huge bar to compare.

As I said DP is quite a lot older than me, 17 years to be precise so I'm not being judgmental about them in general but his age is nothing more than a fact, certainly not among the reasons he's a partner. Previous P was a year younger than me. Older age being an actual requirement is baffling as many young people can have their heads screwed on and be successful, have mature looks and older people the opposite. Having a certain age gap as a requirement seems so odd!

This was my mum and dad when they met. He was a married father, 20y older than her. He left everything behind for her, moved to another country.
40y later they are still together, and from what I know they have a healthy and loving relationship.
I am glad they did what they did or I wouldn’t be here

I doubt the wife and children he dumped to go abroad after a younger woman would see things in quite such a rosy fashion.

For those of you making negative comments and who have no direct experience, what if you met somebody 15+ years older who you clicked with, were attracted to, who kept themselves in shape and who respected you, and who you could share an amazing life with?

Would you deny yourself that chance of happiness and love due to stereotypical ideas and some perceived, internalised notion that dating someone older is inherently wrong?

@IcedPurple

''The fact that these relationships nearly always involve younger women and older men is worthy of a discussion on general terms, however defensive some might feel about it.''

I agree.

I worry for the younger women that they will get locked in to something they regret far far far more than I'm jealous!

I look around me now and I feel in a better place than married friends. I'm single. Everything I own is my own, 100%, no fears that a relationship break down will destroy me. I have a secure job I like and if I were married, I might not have gone for that. I am sure if I were married (in my local circle anyway) I wouldn't have got back in to the workplace. I'm just relieved I'm where I am.

So my emotions aren't ''running high'' at all.

Right, let's address some of your nasty, judgmental points Tiger.

Firstly, most people in their 60s are still working and therefore unlikely to be needing a carer. However my Mum, who was 3 years younger than my Dad became his carer when she was in her late 40s. I appreciate it's unusual despite you laughing (because it's so bloody hilarious) it does happen.

You do realise that not all older men are predators don't you? They don't all go looking for younger women! In our case we knew each older before we became a couple our relationship started through friendship and similar interests.

You'd throw up if your daughter came home with an older man? Really?! Thankfully my Mum was much more supportive than you.

I don't know what men you know but being in their 60's doesn't mean they are infirm and crotchety! Talk about narrow minded!

Anyway, I'm off to tell partner of 22 years, husband of 7, that we've got to get divorced as he's obviously weird and I'm deluded.

That would feel a bit stifling to me @PixieN, the age gap would just make it feel not quite right, so the feeling would be one of settling and it would feel a bit stifling. So it would not feel like I was denying myself any great happiness no! If I met a man of 64 who I clicked with I would be happy to be his friend!

I was married to a much younger man for 20 years and quite honestly was thrilled when he left three years ago, he was so boring.
I couldn't wait to spend more times with friends my age and have an intelligent conversation again.
My ex had absolutely no conversation whatsoever.

For those of you making negative comments and who have no direct experience, what if you met somebody 15+ years older who you clicked with, were attracted to, who kept themselves in shape and who respected you, and who you could share an amazing life with?

I wouldn't rule anything out, but I'd be very cautious. I'm 50 so a man 15 years younger isn't just older, but actually old. Even if he was in good health there's a good chance he wouldn't be for longer. And to be perfectly frank, I'm just not physically attracted to men that age.

Would you deny yourself that chance of happiness and love due to stereotypical ideas and some perceived, internalised notion that dating someone older is inherently wrong?

Again.... I don't think anyone is saying that age gap relationships are inherently wrong, especially when both partners are adults with life experience. Just that those men who actively and exclusively seek out much younger women tend to have serious issues.

15 years older, not younger obviously!

Would you deny yourself that chance of happiness and love due to stereotypical ideas and some perceived, internalised notion that dating someone older is inherently wrong?

No, but neither would I rule out someone my own age in the same circumstance which OP and some others on the thread seem to be doing. The gap being a necessity rather than just a fact is the part at question

I look around me now and I feel in a better place than married friends. I'm single. Everything I own is my own, 100%, no fears that a relationship break down will destroy me. I have a secure job I like and if I were married, I might not have gone for that. I am sure if I were married (in my local circle anyway) I wouldn't have got back in to the workplace. I'm just relieved I'm where I am.

Same! And let's be frank, men aren't that difficult to find, certainly not if your standards aren't high. There's a few billion of them out there after all.

@Daxilove
Nothing to brag about, no. But nothing to be ashamed of either. When the relationship lasts 40y it kind of shows that there was more to it than the cliché of the young naive woman and the manipulative older man only interested in appearances.

IcedPurple, some people are saying age gap relationships are inherently wrong though.

To me it should be about the people involved, not the ages. I know there's a good chance that I will be on my own from a youngish age, but I'd rather have the happiness we have than forgo that to be with someone my own age who and be less happy.