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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To barricade bedroom tonight?

148 replies

SulSul · 30/12/2019 21:00

DFH has been in a silent mood with me for past two days. Won’t tell me what’s up. Tonight he served up popadoms on two plates. I pointed out that the last time I did that he had a go, started an argument and said they should all be on one plate to “share”. I asked why it was different this time. He said it was “no big deal” and he “wasn’t getting into an argument about it”. Well it was a fucking big deal last time ... he made sure of it.

Anyway. I let it go.

He then let’s the dogs out. Somehow he “stubs his toe” during. This enrages him. He then makes some snide comment when he gets back in about “oh well, I’ll let your dogs ravage Each other cos I can’t be arsed now”. After telling me nothing is wrong??? Well I’ve lost it well and truly. Have screamed “what the fuck are you getting at me for?? My fucking dogs??? I’m not your verbal fucking punch bag you absolute tosser.” He’s made a quick retreat and is now playing on his stupid fucking game (the one that is helping to destroy our marriage) by himself. I’m so fucking angry. Months of frustration has poored out of me and I want a divorce. In the meantime, AIBU to take “my fucking dogs” to bed with me and barricade him out of the fucking bedroom?

OP posts:

Lionsleepstonight · 31/12/2019 09:08

The part time and the pension show him in his true light.
Great that you've seen the light OP. I'd not say anything yet. Cover yourselves financially first. Do the mumsnet thing of photocopying bank statements, find your passport etc first.
Fix the job and pension. Then ask him to leave or at least start the separation process.

JosefKeller · 31/12/2019 09:30

get yourself a job, get yourself a place - you can rent with a dog! harder, but absolutely not impossible, and move on with your life.

Why should HE move out and rent? You can always ask, but you will just end up in further arguments. You can't kick people out like that! You can pack your bags and leave though.

Limensoda · 31/12/2019 09:57

I think we should have to pass a maturity test before getting into a relationship

pjmask · 31/12/2019 10:05

I've been where you are. Years of the weird mind games, the frustrating behaviour, the one-rule-for-him-one-for-you nonsense, the passive aggressive bullshit, always feeling like everything that goes wrong is your fault and finally you snap over something that is small and stupid and everyone takes the bully's side because they only noticed your (out of the ordinary) behaviour. Years of being emotionally poked, pinched and prodded and then all that pain, hurt, and anger burst out and you've had enough

This poster has it 100%. I had it with my brother growing up. Predictably I got the same responses the minute I snapped "you're both as bad as each other" just like op is getting here

QueSera · 31/12/2019 10:08

I would recommend counselling, if you can both be bothered. If it can't help save your relationship by improving your communications, it may help you figure out where things have gone wrong and help you separate more amicably.
As for baricading, it's his bedroom too, so....

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 31/12/2019 10:13

I think if you’ve never been in a relationship like this then you just won’t get it (and that’s a good thing).

It’s death by a thousand cuts. The constant undermining, belittling, pulling you up on tiny little inconsequential things. Making you second guess yourself. Making you tiptoe around him hoping that today will be the day he doesn’t kick off about something trivial, but knowing deep down that there’s absolutely nothing you can do to prevent it.

Then one day he picks a fight over popadoms, or gravy, or whatever else it is, and you finally snap and call him on his bullshit. A huge fight ensues and then suddenly you’re the asshole who started a row over popadoms. And you can’t talk to anyone about it, or post on MN, because then you’ll have to tell everyone you’re that asshole.

It’s insidious and grinds you down like nothing else.

Thescrewinthetuna · 31/12/2019 10:18

Life is too short to be miserable, get rid of him. You’re a nurse so obviously an intelligent and hard working woman, make a fresh start without this prick

ReanimatedSGB · 31/12/2019 10:18

You can get rid of this horrible, worthless man, OP. By the sound of it, his bullying is psychological rather than physical, so you can probably make your exit plans in relative safety (though if he does start escalating towards physical violence, don't be too scared or ashamed to call the police and report him.) And, given that your DC are adults with homes of their own, you can actually cut him completely out of your life once you have divorced.
Good luck. Let this be the start of a happier year, a happier decade and a happier future, free of this prick.

Decidewhattobeandgobeit · 31/12/2019 10:24

Your both abusing each other

CoffeeCoinneseur · 31/12/2019 10:26

Hope you feel ok this morning OP, get that full time job sorted and your pension payments reinstated ASAP!

And then get the fuck away from that utter gobshite.

Techway · 31/12/2019 10:47

@QueSera, I am not sure you understand the dynamic of an abusive relationship. Counselling does not help as the toxic person isn't looking to achieve good communication or seek a mutually beneficial relationship. If you haven't been in this situation you can't relate to it but an abusive relationship isn't rational.

OP, I suggest you keep quiet about plans until you are on firmer ground. If he is not ready for you to leave then he could become vindictive financially and at the moment you are the weaker financial party. I made a big mistake of thinking I could be open and amicable but it just allowed Ex H to manipulate the divorce.

How long have you been together? What was he like at the start?

PanicAndRun · 31/12/2019 10:58

This is utterly shit. Even worse are the replies from righteous high horse people with no understanding of abuse and control.

OP first thing is to see a lawyer if you can. Find out what your rights are,what you can get etc. Next is to look for a full time job. While you shouldn't have to, I'd suggest you move out, otherwise you might snap again and things can go too far and he'll play the injured party. Even if you don't move out, if you have any family or friends that you could stay for a few days to get your head together then do that.

You need to be smart about this, and more importantly you need to be careful he doesn't pin you into a corner as an irrational, sweary,angry ,abusive woman.

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2019 11:05

@Decidewhattobeandgobeit Your both abusing each other

What makes you think that?

OneDay10 · 31/12/2019 11:06

At what point do you take responsibility for your own life. You said this has been going on from 2012?
Your children have even left home due to him, yet you are still there?
You can vent here and get all the sympathy but how does that change your situation?
Yes he sounds awful, but then You are still with him. only you can decide not to put up with this or not.

Excited101 · 31/12/2019 11:06

You’re finally standing up for yourself op, good!! I don’t understand the replies you’re getting here, you weren’t ‘picking fights’ you were calling him out on his behaviour- exactly what people always advise others to do!

Get out of this relationship, the sooner the better.

Jumpi · 31/12/2019 11:07

I think we should have to pass a maturity test before getting into a relationship

And certainly before owning dogs.

christmasstress · 31/12/2019 11:14

Also, please don't undermine those who have actually suffered emotional abuse by throwing around terms you don't understand.
*
*
Given the OP is a nurse I'm pretty damn sure she is aware of what depression is. You have absolutely no idea what has happened to her so that is an incredibly unfair comment.

Sounds like the end is well and truly nigh OP. Everyone has their breaking point.

christmasstress · 31/12/2019 11:15

Argh - emotional abuse even!!

daisychain01 · 31/12/2019 11:23

He made me discontinue my NHS pension despite his going strong saying we couldn’t afford it

@SulSul I'm not trying to stick the boot in, but please don't allow anyone to "make you" do anything in future, make your own decisions for yourself and don't be forced into anything that you don't want to do.

If you are still working for NHS, or have had a break in service you could contact their pensions Dept and ask for information on what your options may be.

Motoko · 31/12/2019 12:01

I would recommend counselling, if you can both be bothered. If it can't help save your relationship by improving your communications,

NO! He is being abusive, and couples counselling is a bad idea in an abusive relationship, because the abuser uses it to abuse their partner even more. Anyway, this is not about communication issues, this is about control, his control of the OP.

OP I'm glad you've decided to end it. Don't let him know yet, quietly get your things sorted out first, because he's not going to want you to leave (despite his earlier threatening divorce, he was just using the threat to keep you under his control) so will put barriers in place to try to stop you.

Get your full time job, and see a good solicitor. Good luck.

dimdarkashian · 31/12/2019 12:13

There's clearly more to this. I'm not judging. DH and I seem to be bickering all the time just now. Lack of sleep...hormones...ugh.
I really want to start the NY without all the drama.

OldEvilOwl · 31/12/2019 13:45

One of you needs to move out asap. Why have you been 'putting up with this shit since 2012'? Just fucking leave and move on

Twillow · 05/01/2020 22:21

On first reading this sounded very petty. However, subsequnet posts have made it clear that this is the straw that broke the camel's back. People who have never been in an abusive or at the least a relationship with someone rather selfish, would do well not to give their two pennyworth.
I'm glad you've found your fire now, OP. Seize the iron while it's hot!

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