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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To barricade bedroom tonight?

148 replies

SulSul · 30/12/2019 21:00

DFH has been in a silent mood with me for past two days. Won’t tell me what’s up. Tonight he served up popadoms on two plates. I pointed out that the last time I did that he had a go, started an argument and said they should all be on one plate to “share”. I asked why it was different this time. He said it was “no big deal” and he “wasn’t getting into an argument about it”. Well it was a fucking big deal last time ... he made sure of it.

Anyway. I let it go.

He then let’s the dogs out. Somehow he “stubs his toe” during. This enrages him. He then makes some snide comment when he gets back in about “oh well, I’ll let your dogs ravage Each other cos I can’t be arsed now”. After telling me nothing is wrong??? Well I’ve lost it well and truly. Have screamed “what the fuck are you getting at me for?? My fucking dogs??? I’m not your verbal fucking punch bag you absolute tosser.” He’s made a quick retreat and is now playing on his stupid fucking game (the one that is helping to destroy our marriage) by himself. I’m so fucking angry. Months of frustration has poored out of me and I want a divorce. In the meantime, AIBU to take “my fucking dogs” to bed with me and barricade him out of the fucking bedroom?

OP posts:

Branleuse · 30/12/2019 23:51

Youve found your anger OP. Sounds like this has been building up a while

Sparrowlegs248 · 30/12/2019 23:54

Bloody hell OP you are getting a rough ride here. I don't think yabu at all, or "as bad as him" and comments like "why are you choosing to live like this" are just ridiculous. Mumnet can be a very strange place at times.

I totally understand why you are angry. I lived with a controlling, abusive, angry, moody husband for years. It's not easy to leave. It becomes your normal. Until you realise it's not and, in my case, I'm still angry now. At him for his shitty behaviour, and at myself for "putting up with it".

I hope you can make your plans to leave.

Cherrysoup · 30/12/2019 23:54

Holy fuck, OP, just split up with him. He’s clearly checked out of the relationship and you sound like you desperately want to. Rather than barricade him out, just tell him you don’t want him in the bedroom with you tonight. Presumably there are spare rooms given your sons moved out?

DidILeaveTheGasOn · 31/12/2019 00:00

I'm sorry that you're getting such rough treatment. None of us can possibly claim that you aren't in an abusive relationship or that you aren't being gaslighted. Anyone doing that is doing a potentially devastating and scary thing - totally shutting down someone who is in need of a bit of support and who could be going through all kinds of emotions.

Op, it would make sense to get this post moved to Relationships, where folk tend to be wiser to the realities of abuse and they are more understanding, more likely to point you to helpful resources and encourage you to look after yourself.

bluebella4 · 31/12/2019 00:00

Clearly the poppadoms are not the issue here. It seems you both are being passive over the this last year.

Get out if you want out.. don't play the games!

ferrier · 31/12/2019 00:02

Gosh there are some weird people on mumsnet tonight!
Sounds like the popadum incident has caused the scales to fall from op's eyes and she finally realises that it isn't her at all, it's him.
Time to start getting ducks in a row. Are you in a position to just move out op? Do you own your house etc.?

YippyKayakOtherBuckets · 31/12/2019 00:16

It's not about the poppadoms is it though?

I've been where you are. Years of the weird mind games, the frustrating behaviour, the one-rule-for-him-one-for-you nonsense, the passive aggressive bullshit, always feeling like everything that goes wrong is your fault and finally you snap over something that is small and stupid and everyone takes the bully's side because they only noticed your (out of the ordinary) behaviour. Years of being emotionally poked, pinched and prodded and then all that pain, hurt, and anger burst out and you've had enough.

Take some time for self-care, OP and then get yourself out of there. You deserve better.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 31/12/2019 00:24

Get out of there OP. It’s miserable. I recognise so much in your posts. The biggest argument my ex and I ever had was about gravy! It’s not about the gravy though, is it, or the poppadoms?

isitpossibleto · 31/12/2019 00:35

It’s not about the fucking popadoms.

OP - you are in an abusive relationship where your duck of a (D)H controls you and gaslights you. You are rightfully angry that it’s one rule for him and another for you. The drip drip drip of this shit is getting to you and you are reacting. He WILL use this against you. Time to leave.

NearlyGranny · 31/12/2019 00:53

The two facts that he convinced you to go part time and also stop paying into your pension are pretty clear evidence of him trying to trap you in financial dependency.

You need to leave him to shed this load of misery he's binding on your back, get a full-time job, re-start your pension and overpay to build it up to where it would have been.

Better times are out there for you with your friends and family once you come out from under the wet, grey cloud of poppadom-gate.

Happy New Year - make it so.

Eustacecraig · 31/12/2019 01:21

Absolutely this. I've been there too.

For those saying that those of us who are telling the OP she is being abused and gaslighted 'don't understand the term' or that it undermines real abuse have either not read all of her posts or are looking for an argument.

OP has told us that this is a sustained pattern. It is clearly not a one off argument about poppadoms in an otherwise healthy and supportive relationship. She has realised she's being abused, has posted here, and people are queuing up to tell her she's 'just as bad', that her husband is just a 'contrary arse', and that she's failed her sons.

In reality, her husband is an abuser and OP is a victim.

bettybattenburg · 31/12/2019 01:25

I pointed out that the last time I did that he had a go,

Why did you start an argument over something so trivial? You both sound as bad as each other.

Eustacecraig · 31/12/2019 01:29

Why did you start an argument over something so trivial? You both sound as bad as each other.

It is clear as day that her DH did it on purpose in order to provoke a reaction at the injustice of him ringing divorce solicitors when she made this heinous mistake. He done it on purpose, so that he could then gaslight her by saying 'but it's no big deal', leaving her confused and upset. It's a power play. And on this occasion, the scales have fallen off the OP's eyes, which she should be supported with.

selmabear · 31/12/2019 01:48

I'm struggling to understand why you would stay with him after he drove your children out of their home. He's probably been making their lives uncomfortable for a while to force them to leave. I think you're both as bad as each other and yes you should file for divorce.

YippyKayakOtherBuckets · 31/12/2019 02:36

"You're both as bad as each other" is such a horrible thing to say.

Like I said in my previous comment, the years of the emotional pinches and pokes take their toll. They are small and seem like no big deal to outsiders because they don't see all of them. Because the bully will rarely (if ever) openly and plainly psychologically abuse you, you're never given a violent emotional beating (for want of a better way to say it), your friends, your family, strangers on the internet tell you to just let it go.
People see the poppadom incident, or hear about the gravy argument, and say why is she starting an argument over something so stupid? What a bitch, what a nag! You're just as bad as he is or you're worse than he is because you can't just brush it off and leave it alone.
But the poppadoms are just a catalyst, the final emotional pinch, that help you realise what's been happening. You've been a puppet, a game piece. Now you realise what your bully has been doing is not your fault. You're not crazy, or unreasonable, or a nag, or as bad as he is. You're ready to start standing up for yourself, to quit the fucking mind games, to leave.

The injuries from my physical abuse healed, their scars have faded, but the emotional and psychological injuries are still painful years later. I have to leave this thread. I hope OP gets more support.

OP, I hope you find the strength to leave. Good luck.

bettybattenburg · 31/12/2019 03:50

OP is not a bitch or a nag, obviously.

CodenameVillanelle · 31/12/2019 07:28

I completely understand what happened with the poppadoms and those posters who are saying you are as bad as him are just wrong.

He's clearly abusive and I'm very glad you've realised that you can't carry on living like this. Make 2020 the year you get your life back!

HairyString · 31/12/2019 07:44

All the posters that have never been gaslighted (gaslit?) you have been lucky. The OP is seeing this shit situation for what it is.

OP look forward to next Christmas and NYE without this knobhead setting you up to fail in every area of your life. Get thee to a shit hot lawyer ASAP and get him gone. He sounds like a right arsehole.

DownTownAbbey · 31/12/2019 08:21

I agree wholeheartedly with Yippy.

Report your own thread OP and get it moved to Relationships. You have been financially and emotionally abused, you'll get help from people who have been in your position there rather than a load of knee-jerk self congratulatory nonsense about how awful you are for kicking up a fuss about a takeaway .

This is actually a good day for you. The poppadoms have finally fallen from your eyes! You can see the twat for who he really is. Take back your power.

Savvyblonde · 31/12/2019 08:29

Please go on to YouTube and watch some clips about living with a narcissist. What you have mentioned is exactly this. You will never win. It is not you, it is him and he is currently taking energy from you to increase his energy.

Original poster

SulSul · 31/12/2019 08:43

I think we should divorce. I must take my dog with me so I will need to buy a house rather than rent. I have no debts but also no full time job so will work on fixing the job issue first. I might try asking DH to move out temporarily and rent somewhere while I work on getting my act together. Can imagine how that will go down but you never know.

OP posts:

isitpossibleto · 31/12/2019 08:49

Good to see some people who can see the trees in amongst the wood, here.

I’ve been where you are, OP. You deserve so much fucking better.

Bluepeace · 31/12/2019 08:50

I'm disgusted at how you spoke to him, do you usually call him a fucking tosser? You're as bad as each other, if such little things are getting on top of you both it doesn't seem a valid relationship that will last.

Cambionome · 31/12/2019 08:51

Sounds like you are thinking clearly now op.
Get back into full time work and start paying into your pension again, and make sure you get rid of this horrible man as soon as you can.

Cambionome · 31/12/2019 08:52

Read the bloody thread Bluepeace and think before you make your vile comments.

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