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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To barricade bedroom tonight?

148 replies

SulSul · 30/12/2019 21:00

DFH has been in a silent mood with me for past two days. Won’t tell me what’s up. Tonight he served up popadoms on two plates. I pointed out that the last time I did that he had a go, started an argument and said they should all be on one plate to “share”. I asked why it was different this time. He said it was “no big deal” and he “wasn’t getting into an argument about it”. Well it was a fucking big deal last time ... he made sure of it.

Anyway. I let it go.

He then let’s the dogs out. Somehow he “stubs his toe” during. This enrages him. He then makes some snide comment when he gets back in about “oh well, I’ll let your dogs ravage Each other cos I can’t be arsed now”. After telling me nothing is wrong??? Well I’ve lost it well and truly. Have screamed “what the fuck are you getting at me for?? My fucking dogs??? I’m not your verbal fucking punch bag you absolute tosser.” He’s made a quick retreat and is now playing on his stupid fucking game (the one that is helping to destroy our marriage) by himself. I’m so fucking angry. Months of frustration has poored out of me and I want a divorce. In the meantime, AIBU to take “my fucking dogs” to bed with me and barricade him out of the fucking bedroom?

OP posts:
Sarahlou63 · 30/12/2019 21:22

Then leave. You are making each other angry/sad/desolate. Grow up and leave.

Cluelessbeetroot · 30/12/2019 21:23

Your first argument about poppadoms...
Did it go:
You put them on 2 plates therefore I want a divorce
Or
You put the poppadoms on 2 plates / so fucking what / huge row ensues and all sort of stuff is brought up / I want a divorce
?

Original poster
SulSul · 30/12/2019 21:23

Oh I don’t normally shout and swear! This is the first time in years that I’ve lost it like this which is why he’s scarpered. Normally I sit back and accept it all like the absolute mug I am. After popadom gate 1 it was me that tried to make peace the next day ... even though looking back he was being a total fucking bully

OP posts:
SouthernComforts · 30/12/2019 21:23

Sorry didn't refresh.

It sounds like you'd both be happier apart. You are both so angry and hateful towards eachother.

Cornish2 · 30/12/2019 21:24

The bottom line is you're not in a happy marriage so the marriage isn't doing you any good.
I couldn't imagine an argument about popadoms or silence for 2 days, you have a lot of anger and that must be difficult for someone to live with and you say he has displayed anger too which sounds like the two of you have a volatile marriage and this will be toxic.
Your sons have already removed themselves from this situation and I truly believe the two of you would be better people apart.

formerbabe · 30/12/2019 21:25

I'm appalled...you've spoken more about the sodding poppadoms than your children.

You both sound horrific.

LEELULUMPKIN · 30/12/2019 21:26

So your Son's left and you said nothing but finally lose it over poppadums?

BritWifeinUSA · 30/12/2019 21:26

Have you been drinking? Either of you?

WaggleWiggle · 30/12/2019 21:26

It’s not even an AIBU is it - he’s making you miserable, you’re making him miserable, there’s no point in being married. Doesn’t matter if anyone on here thinks it’s unreasonable or not to argue over poppadoms - the crux is that there’s nothing left to salvage by the sound of it.

22Giraffes · 30/12/2019 21:27

Sod the poppadoms, have you done anything to get your sons back? The whole thing sounds toxic

MorganKitten · 30/12/2019 21:27

You both sound emotionally abusive

GreyGardens88 · 30/12/2019 21:27

Don't understand why people are blaming the OP, the "D"H sounds like a controlling asshole. You need to end this now OP

WeGoHigher · 30/12/2019 21:27

I'm glad you've had enough. Please post on Relationships. (The Relationships board on here, MN.) You'll get good advice there. AIBU is a bit different.

Rachelfromfriends1 · 30/12/2019 21:27

Did you choose him over your kids?

Justontherightsideofnormal · 30/12/2019 21:28

You need to run or get rid. He will not change.

ReanimatedSGB · 30/12/2019 21:28

Why on earth didn't you leave (or throw him out) when your sons left?

apacketofcrisps · 30/12/2019 21:30

How old are your so s? What game is it?

Lovemusic33 · 30/12/2019 21:31

Your sons left, I think you should have chosen them over him? 🤔
You should have walked out a long time ago.

RebelWithVerySharpClaws · 30/12/2019 21:31

You sound very unhappy in this relationship OP, that is the most important thing, and if your unhappiness continues perhaps you might want to end this union.

windycuntryside · 30/12/2019 21:31

Children how old? I’m guessing (hoping) old enough to support selves?
Just leave .... why put up with this shit, oil and fire you two.... leave.

Eustacecraig · 30/12/2019 21:31

It’s emotional abuse.

Yes, OP, it is. You are being domestically abused. I'm really surprised at some of these responses. He was gaslighting you about the popadoms.

You need to make plans to leave this man. I would ask for this to be moved to the Relationships board. Posters there are a bit more understanding of abuse, and how it can manifest itself.

midsomermurderess · 30/12/2019 21:33

You're life together sounds horrible and brutish and joyless. It's up to you to decide if you want to stick with it.

PaperbackBlighter · 30/12/2019 21:37

Do you want us to tell you you’re right about the poppadoms and give you a flipping medal or something?

You both sound unhinged and bad for each other so you should get a divorce.

I feel sorry for you kids, and the dogs. Strangely, it sounds like your chose your husband over your sons, but are upset at how he’s treating the dogs.

Original poster
SulSul · 30/12/2019 21:38

I told my sons I would leave and find us a house together but they declined, my eldest said he wanted to move in with his girlfriend anyway. They’re both 20s.

I’m calming down slightly so apologies for OTT post. I’m just so angry. I’ve had this shit since 2012. Silent moods, rages over tivial shit (like popadoms). Blaming me for anything and everything. He blamed me for his 24 year old son not wanting to do weekly “access visits” anymore. Everything is my fault. He spends every evening and every weekend playing the computer game. He spent all Christmas Day playing it. He made me discontinue my NHS pension despite his going strong saying we couldn’t afford it. Tonight, after two days of “mooding” with me he blamed me for the dogs squabbling. It tipped me over the edge, well and truly pressed the last switch that needed pressing.

I told him yesterday I was feeling delicate and feel like I may have depression (again). He laughed. He laughed and said “everyone is depressed, I work more hours than you so I deserve to be depressed more than you”. I shit you not.

OP posts:
Nat6999 · 30/12/2019 21:38

If I were you I would be starting the new year off with a fresh start as a single person. I wouldn't put up with any more of his crap, treat yourself as effectively single from now on, get your ducks in a row over the next few weeks & either leave him or kick him out. He is never going to change, you don't want to live the rest of your life walking on eggshells.