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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report her missing?

123 replies

Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:37

Long story short -

was best friends with this woman, let's call her A. We were absolutely thick as thieves. She supported me through the death of my husband, we were incredibly close and the kids all played nicely. I did loads for her too.

I moved away in March 2018, only a 30 min drive, but my kids moved school. Then A got pregnant, settled down etc so I saw her less, naturally. I then got a full-time job so saw her even less, and I know she felt unsupported in the pregnancy because she was struggling with her other kids and her pregnancy but I couldn't help as I worked full time and due to the distance couldn't have her kids overnight (as they would need to be in school for 8.45 and so did mine, and with traffic that's at least 60 minutes drive apart)

We were still in contact most days, and if ever a few days went with no contact we'd check in with each other.

So she has baby in June this year, I met the baby and things were ok. I saw the baby twice that month, then didn't see A all over the summer holidays as I was still working etc. In fact, I didn't see her again.

She got herself a new car (I might add that A is 'dodgy' sometimes) and asked if I'd insure it, with her as named driver, the idea being we could both use the car if needed, so I did. She was paying me monthly to cover the insurance. She then crashed the car and didn't tell me. I got a phone call saying there was a claim and that my No-Claims would be affected (I have 15 years but it's "in use" on my car). I phoned her, she apologised and agreed to sort it.

Fast forward a few months, her premium rose due to the claim, she stopped paying me. I then ended up having my bills bounce while waiting for her to pay me. After this happening at least twice, and me being charged by the companies for the bills bouncing, I cancelled the direct debit. Obviously the car insurance wouldn't accept that, and demanded the rest of the year's premium.

I admit I did go on at her and send her lots of rambling messages about how she needed to find the money because I was living off air, all my money was absorbed by my bills and charges thanks to her (I don't earn a lot, so for example, paying £11 pet insurance is ok, but paying £11 + £25 fee for it bouncing is NOT ok). I did insist she sort it immediately. I didn't get angry, but I did vent a lot at her.

To her credit she did apologise. By this point it was October, I hadn't seen her since June. She told me she was pregnant and having an abortion so I backed off. We were still in contact though. I then called her and she said she was back in hospital with complications from the abortion and would phone me back.

I didn't hear back from her. So I drove to her house, nobody home. I called her other friend. who hadn't heard from her. Her boyfriend didn't answer the phone or messages. At this point I'm panicking as she has an ex who is on the run for beating her and leaving her for dead, I'm thinking he's got her. I messaged her boyfriend saying I was reporting her missing.

Low and behold I then get a text from her, saying she's not in a good place, her support has faded, she's split with her boyfriend and nobody can help her, her life is just a mess and that she needs to move out of her house (I knew this already as it was infested with mould). I did what any good friend would do, offered my support and for her to move in with me for a while til she gets back on her feet. Her reply was that she would speak to me later. I messaged her again over the next few days saying I was worried etc and I'd be coming round to see her, and she finally replied not to worry about her, that she was dealing with it, that she was going away for a week before she ended up mad.

That's the last I heard from her, 2 months ago. The last time I spoke to her 3 months ago.

I tried calling but she'd blocked me. Blocked me on whatsapp. I then asked her boyfriend why, and she unblocked my number (but not on whatsapp). She still didn't answer the phone.

Her boyfriend says they're trying to work it out (tbh I doubt they ever split up!). Her friend now blanks me. Her brother lives in New York but says she''s in contact with him. I've messaged him a few times, he's said she's ok and even said I was a good friend!

Less than a week after that, her brother's now blanking me and took me off social media! A put me on 'restricted' on facebook so I can't see her social media.

Her boyfriend is the only one who still speaks to me (for now) which I suspect is so I don't report her missing or anything.

This is so unlike her, as far as I know, other than messaging her too much before about the money she owes me, and messaging too much now (which is always just saying I'm worried, that I miss her etc) I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!

And to make it all worse - I called her today, a man answered, said he'd just found the phone and was keeping it - wouldn't say where, pretended not to know who A was etc. It sounded fake as hell which makes me think either she''s in real trouble, or she's done it to stop me calling her.

AIBU to report her missing? Or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 30/12/2019 19:40

Does she still owe you money?

LIZS · 30/12/2019 19:40

Are you still fronting her car insurance? She is avoiding you, probably due to money issues.

Original poster
Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:46

yeah she still owes me all the money, she basically paid the insurance for a couple of months, then when it went up she stopped paying. She didn't pay me for my bank charges or anything either.

No I cancelled the car insurance a few months back - but they still want the rest of the premium so they'll be chasing me for that.

OP posts:
OrangeSlices998 · 30/12/2019 19:48

Does she still owe you money? Otherwise it sounds like you’re harassing her if she’s given you signals she isn’t interested. If you have genuine concerns for her safety contact the police but it all sounds quite messy.

OrangeSlices998 · 30/12/2019 19:48

Cross posted.

ohwheniknow · 30/12/2019 19:52

You can't report someone missing because they've cut contact with you. She's not missing!

Brimful · 30/12/2019 19:52

It does sound like she's avoiding you because she owes you money.

You could pursue her legally for the money (if you have evidence/written contract) or suck it up as a bad experience, pay the rest of the premium and don't make the same mistake again.

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 19:53

She’s avoiding you because she doesn’t want to or can’t pay you the money.
No need to report her missing she’s just ignoring you.

SmellMySmellbow · 30/12/2019 19:53

Sorry OP but she's ghosting you. She either can't or doesn't want to pay you what she owes, so she's ghosting you. The brother blocked you because he knows she's fine and doesn't want to play middle man. Same for everyone else. She got that bloke to say that on the phone as she knows blocking you is suspicious but she wants you to leave her alone. I would now, and let is serve as a nasty lesson in how not to do things like pay for someone else's insurance.

DDiva · 30/12/2019 19:53

Shes not missing. She doesn't want or cant pay the money back at the moment. I'd give a message to her brother that you are backing off to give her space but will contact again in a month to arrange pay back of the money she owes. That is of course of you can afford to wait, altho I doubt youvr much chance of getting repaid after this amount of blocking etc.

Nicknacky · 30/12/2019 19:54

She’s not missing. You just don’t know where she is and she is ignoring you.

Original poster
Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:55

would a friend who was that close really just do that? I've told her I don't care about the money, that I just want to know she's ok. We were the best of friends, would she really do that?

I agree that her brother and friend have probably took me off social media so they aren't in the middle, her brother did say he didn''t want to get involved.

Surely she'd have the balls to tell me if I've done something, or tell me to leave her alone?

OP posts:
Original poster
Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:56

I'm just worried because the only thing I've heard from her since Oct is messages - what if she's hurt and someone just has her phone? Although actually her boyfriend says she sees him to drop off the baby (I doubt they've split but it;s a story he maintains)

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 30/12/2019 19:56

Come to an arrangement with the insurance company or it will effect your ability to purchase insurance in the future,, did she get a payment for the crash?

TokyoSushi · 30/12/2019 19:56

I don't think she's missing but I do think that she's avoiding you because of the money.

It sounds a very complicated situation and one you'd be better off out of.

Lllot5 · 30/12/2019 19:57

Well you know her better than any of us. But you asked us what we thought and I’m afraid it seems like that’s what it is. She’s just ignoring you.

BorissGiantJohnson · 30/12/2019 19:57

Don't waste police time and taxpayers money. She's clearly not missing. She's just avoiding you because she's conned you out of money. Please take this as an expensive lesson on friendships and not doing favours for people who are dodgy.

SmellMySmellbow · 30/12/2019 19:58

Have you outright said, recently, 'forget about the money. Let's write it off'? It sounds like you were chasing for money and then started just saying you were worried. I bet if you said write off the debt, she'd suddenly be contactable with a convoluted excuse.

bettybattenburg · 30/12/2019 20:03

She's not missing and reporting her as missing would be wasting police time wouldn't it? She owes you money and either can't pay or doesn't want to pay so she's cutting you off.

Original poster
Worried877 · 30/12/2019 20:04

I have said a few times in messages to her and also to her boyfriend on the phone that she doesn't need to worry about the money. Maybe she doesn't believe me, who knows.

I'm very upset that someone as close as she was, could do this to me. Especially just over money.

OP posts:
Grandadwasthatyou · 30/12/2019 20:05

I had a very similar scenario with a friend I lent money to. Initially she was paying me back no problem but then the monthly payments became more and more intermittent. When I texted her to remind her she said she was having mental health problems and not to pester her anymore. So I wrote off the rest of the loan and that's the end of the friendship.

Nicknacky · 30/12/2019 20:05

Money changes people and rarely for the better. It’s a harsh lesson to learn about someone you thought was a friend but you need to put it in the past.

QuestionableMouse · 30/12/2019 20:11

Honestly op you need:

To write this off. She's got what she's wanted from you and moved on to the next mark. I'd bet half of what she told you is false.

To stop being such a doormat! What you're doing with the insurance could be classed as insurance fraud.

Cheeserton · 30/12/2019 20:13

LOL... Seriously? She exploited you financially then blocked you from everywhere, and you plan to report her missing? Unfortunately she shafted you, pure and simple. Let her go and deal with the consequences. And don't buy people's insurance for them.

Spitsandspots · 30/12/2019 20:13

Surely she'd have the balls to tell me if I've done something, or tell me to leave her alone?

Tbh I think she gave you enough hints to leave her alone (blocking you, restricting you etc) but you have been very persistent.
She probably feels crap and embarrassment about the crash, the money Etc and if she felt unsupported when pregnant she probably doesn’t have the same feelings for the friendship-not your fault, just circumstances. I would just leave it. If she wants to contact you she will.