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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to report her missing?

123 replies

Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:37

Long story short -

was best friends with this woman, let's call her A. We were absolutely thick as thieves. She supported me through the death of my husband, we were incredibly close and the kids all played nicely. I did loads for her too.

I moved away in March 2018, only a 30 min drive, but my kids moved school. Then A got pregnant, settled down etc so I saw her less, naturally. I then got a full-time job so saw her even less, and I know she felt unsupported in the pregnancy because she was struggling with her other kids and her pregnancy but I couldn't help as I worked full time and due to the distance couldn't have her kids overnight (as they would need to be in school for 8.45 and so did mine, and with traffic that's at least 60 minutes drive apart)

We were still in contact most days, and if ever a few days went with no contact we'd check in with each other.

So she has baby in June this year, I met the baby and things were ok. I saw the baby twice that month, then didn't see A all over the summer holidays as I was still working etc. In fact, I didn't see her again.

She got herself a new car (I might add that A is 'dodgy' sometimes) and asked if I'd insure it, with her as named driver, the idea being we could both use the car if needed, so I did. She was paying me monthly to cover the insurance. She then crashed the car and didn't tell me. I got a phone call saying there was a claim and that my No-Claims would be affected (I have 15 years but it's "in use" on my car). I phoned her, she apologised and agreed to sort it.

Fast forward a few months, her premium rose due to the claim, she stopped paying me. I then ended up having my bills bounce while waiting for her to pay me. After this happening at least twice, and me being charged by the companies for the bills bouncing, I cancelled the direct debit. Obviously the car insurance wouldn't accept that, and demanded the rest of the year's premium.

I admit I did go on at her and send her lots of rambling messages about how she needed to find the money because I was living off air, all my money was absorbed by my bills and charges thanks to her (I don't earn a lot, so for example, paying £11 pet insurance is ok, but paying £11 + £25 fee for it bouncing is NOT ok). I did insist she sort it immediately. I didn't get angry, but I did vent a lot at her.

To her credit she did apologise. By this point it was October, I hadn't seen her since June. She told me she was pregnant and having an abortion so I backed off. We were still in contact though. I then called her and she said she was back in hospital with complications from the abortion and would phone me back.

I didn't hear back from her. So I drove to her house, nobody home. I called her other friend. who hadn't heard from her. Her boyfriend didn't answer the phone or messages. At this point I'm panicking as she has an ex who is on the run for beating her and leaving her for dead, I'm thinking he's got her. I messaged her boyfriend saying I was reporting her missing.

Low and behold I then get a text from her, saying she's not in a good place, her support has faded, she's split with her boyfriend and nobody can help her, her life is just a mess and that she needs to move out of her house (I knew this already as it was infested with mould). I did what any good friend would do, offered my support and for her to move in with me for a while til she gets back on her feet. Her reply was that she would speak to me later. I messaged her again over the next few days saying I was worried etc and I'd be coming round to see her, and she finally replied not to worry about her, that she was dealing with it, that she was going away for a week before she ended up mad.

That's the last I heard from her, 2 months ago. The last time I spoke to her 3 months ago.

I tried calling but she'd blocked me. Blocked me on whatsapp. I then asked her boyfriend why, and she unblocked my number (but not on whatsapp). She still didn't answer the phone.

Her boyfriend says they're trying to work it out (tbh I doubt they ever split up!). Her friend now blanks me. Her brother lives in New York but says she''s in contact with him. I've messaged him a few times, he's said she's ok and even said I was a good friend!

Less than a week after that, her brother's now blanking me and took me off social media! A put me on 'restricted' on facebook so I can't see her social media.

Her boyfriend is the only one who still speaks to me (for now) which I suspect is so I don't report her missing or anything.

This is so unlike her, as far as I know, other than messaging her too much before about the money she owes me, and messaging too much now (which is always just saying I'm worried, that I miss her etc) I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!

And to make it all worse - I called her today, a man answered, said he'd just found the phone and was keeping it - wouldn't say where, pretended not to know who A was etc. It sounded fake as hell which makes me think either she''s in real trouble, or she's done it to stop me calling her.

AIBU to report her missing? Or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:
LonginesPrime · 30/12/2019 20:13

would a friend who was that close really just do that?

Well clearly, she has.

The friendship sounds quite one-sided, with her leaning on you when it suited her and ghosting you when it didn't.

Just cut your losses and leave it be - why would you continue to chase her friends and family?

You will only demean yourself by chasing her further.

JKScot4 · 30/12/2019 20:14

When did you last go by her house? See if she still lives there? Knock the door? Try asking a neighbour? See if her kids are still at same school? It’s not hard to find people.

RightEarlobeBreath · 30/12/2019 20:15

You’ve been had. Leave her to it and learn from the experience.

NoOneNeedsToKnowThis · 30/12/2019 20:17

Absolutely batshit to report her missing. She’s made it clear she doesn’t want to speak to you so just chalk it up to experience and move on.

Jokie · 30/12/2019 20:17

She's not missing. She's ignoring you. There's a difference. Unfortunately, she's shown you get true colours.

Emmelina · 30/12/2019 20:20

I’m certain she’s just fine and is ghosting you. The “yeah sorry we just found this phone” (in one piece on the ground in this weather and with battery and signal) is nonsense. Her boyfriend or brother or somebody was with her when you called and she handed the phone to them to answer is all.

Tistheseason17 · 30/12/2019 20:22

OP - she's not your friend. She's a user.
Write off the money and write off the friendship. Chasing her like this makes you look desperate for friends.

Join a local club or group and do something different with your time and meet new people.

I always live by the motto, "never give/lend what you can't afford to lose". Works for me - as does saying "no" to such requests.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 30/12/2019 20:24

Hmm l understand the concern but if her brother has blocked you for no good reason, it could well be a result of her bad mouthing you.

Pinkette06 · 30/12/2019 20:24

She's ghosted you op, sadly. I'd write the money off now, and the friendship if she comes crawling back one day. She may just use you and do it again

Rose789 · 30/12/2019 20:25

She’s not missing, she’s ghosting you.
Unfortunately you will be liable for the insurance premium, unless you tell the insurers the truth- that you were ‘fronting a policy, that you were the policyholder on an insurance with no insurable interest I.e not the owner or registered keeper and were claiming entitlement to no claims bonus which were in use on a different policy.
Any of those would be enough for the insurers to void the policy which could lead them to stop perusing the debt. However that will cause a marker against your name which will make it difficult to get insurance in the future. You will also need to declare the claim your friend had for the next 5 years as it follows you as the policyholder.
You say is known to be ‘dodgy’ but realistically you have both committed insurance fraud which can have long lasting and severe repercussions

lljkk · 30/12/2019 20:26

Sorry you had to learn hard way -- never loan more than a few quid to a friend. They will do just this, ghost you, when they can't pay back. You lose the money AND the friendship. (I learned hard way, too)

Wellmet · 30/12/2019 20:27

Are you saying you think the boyfriend has killed her?

lljkk · 30/12/2019 20:28

Are you still paying for her insurance? I'm confused; you need to stop paying ASAP.

Oliversmumsarmy · 30/12/2019 20:29

I cancelled the car insurance a few months back - but they still want the rest of the premium so they'll be chasing me for that

Why? If you sold a car mid term then you would get a refund

ProfessionalBoss · 30/12/2019 20:30

@Worried877 you said "I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!"

Seriously? 🤔 YOU committed insurance fraud FFS!

lovemenorca · 30/12/2019 20:32

* I might add that A is 'dodgy' sometimes*

As are you OP

MincePiesGetInMyBelly · 30/12/2019 20:32

Sounds like a case for Judge Rinder...Hmm

lovemenorca · 30/12/2019 20:32

* "I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!"*

Along with being not the sharpest tool in the box

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 20:34

Money does strange things to a friendship.

She owes you, she either can't or doesn't want to pay. So she's ghosted you. She isn't 'missing', she's blocked you and had other 'conduits of information' to her block you also. She may be doing it simply to avoid paying you or she may be in a 'bad way' and need help.

If you feel you have a valid reason to be concerned for her actual safety, you can speak to her local police and tell them why you are concerned. The police can do a 'welfare check' on her if they deem it necessary. But they will not report anything back to you.

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 30/12/2019 20:35

And in the future "neither a borrower nor a lender (nor an accomplice to fraud) be".

magoria · 30/12/2019 20:40

They are basically selling you the insurance the day you take it out as a loan. If you have a crash and they pay out, you have to pay the balance of the premium.

AntiHop · 30/12/2019 20:44

OP you've been so kind to her and she's been awful to you. If I were you, I'd draw a line under the friendship. If she was really missing, people who see her regularly would have reported her missing.

LadyLightning · 30/12/2019 20:48

Why were you involved in shared car ownership with someone you know to be 'dodgy'? This is just more dodgy behaviour and you need to steer well clear of her.

LadyAllegraImelda · 30/12/2019 20:51

She isn't missing! Please don't waste public resources... You're just going to have to take this one for the team!

Justmuddlingalong · 30/12/2019 20:53

Sorry but the friendship has come to an end. Stop trying to cling onto something that she's clearly making no effort with. You've been kind, but she's taken advantage of that and walked away.