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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to report her missing?

123 replies

Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:37

Long story short -

was best friends with this woman, let's call her A. We were absolutely thick as thieves. She supported me through the death of my husband, we were incredibly close and the kids all played nicely. I did loads for her too.

I moved away in March 2018, only a 30 min drive, but my kids moved school. Then A got pregnant, settled down etc so I saw her less, naturally. I then got a full-time job so saw her even less, and I know she felt unsupported in the pregnancy because she was struggling with her other kids and her pregnancy but I couldn't help as I worked full time and due to the distance couldn't have her kids overnight (as they would need to be in school for 8.45 and so did mine, and with traffic that's at least 60 minutes drive apart)

We were still in contact most days, and if ever a few days went with no contact we'd check in with each other.

So she has baby in June this year, I met the baby and things were ok. I saw the baby twice that month, then didn't see A all over the summer holidays as I was still working etc. In fact, I didn't see her again.

She got herself a new car (I might add that A is 'dodgy' sometimes) and asked if I'd insure it, with her as named driver, the idea being we could both use the car if needed, so I did. She was paying me monthly to cover the insurance. She then crashed the car and didn't tell me. I got a phone call saying there was a claim and that my No-Claims would be affected (I have 15 years but it's "in use" on my car). I phoned her, she apologised and agreed to sort it.

Fast forward a few months, her premium rose due to the claim, she stopped paying me. I then ended up having my bills bounce while waiting for her to pay me. After this happening at least twice, and me being charged by the companies for the bills bouncing, I cancelled the direct debit. Obviously the car insurance wouldn't accept that, and demanded the rest of the year's premium.

I admit I did go on at her and send her lots of rambling messages about how she needed to find the money because I was living off air, all my money was absorbed by my bills and charges thanks to her (I don't earn a lot, so for example, paying £11 pet insurance is ok, but paying £11 + £25 fee for it bouncing is NOT ok). I did insist she sort it immediately. I didn't get angry, but I did vent a lot at her.

To her credit she did apologise. By this point it was October, I hadn't seen her since June. She told me she was pregnant and having an abortion so I backed off. We were still in contact though. I then called her and she said she was back in hospital with complications from the abortion and would phone me back.

I didn't hear back from her. So I drove to her house, nobody home. I called her other friend. who hadn't heard from her. Her boyfriend didn't answer the phone or messages. At this point I'm panicking as she has an ex who is on the run for beating her and leaving her for dead, I'm thinking he's got her. I messaged her boyfriend saying I was reporting her missing.

Low and behold I then get a text from her, saying she's not in a good place, her support has faded, she's split with her boyfriend and nobody can help her, her life is just a mess and that she needs to move out of her house (I knew this already as it was infested with mould). I did what any good friend would do, offered my support and for her to move in with me for a while til she gets back on her feet. Her reply was that she would speak to me later. I messaged her again over the next few days saying I was worried etc and I'd be coming round to see her, and she finally replied not to worry about her, that she was dealing with it, that she was going away for a week before she ended up mad.

That's the last I heard from her, 2 months ago. The last time I spoke to her 3 months ago.

I tried calling but she'd blocked me. Blocked me on whatsapp. I then asked her boyfriend why, and she unblocked my number (but not on whatsapp). She still didn't answer the phone.

Her boyfriend says they're trying to work it out (tbh I doubt they ever split up!). Her friend now blanks me. Her brother lives in New York but says she''s in contact with him. I've messaged him a few times, he's said she's ok and even said I was a good friend!

Less than a week after that, her brother's now blanking me and took me off social media! A put me on 'restricted' on facebook so I can't see her social media.

Her boyfriend is the only one who still speaks to me (for now) which I suspect is so I don't report her missing or anything.

This is so unlike her, as far as I know, other than messaging her too much before about the money she owes me, and messaging too much now (which is always just saying I'm worried, that I miss her etc) I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!

And to make it all worse - I called her today, a man answered, said he'd just found the phone and was keeping it - wouldn't say where, pretended not to know who A was etc. It sounded fake as hell which makes me think either she''s in real trouble, or she's done it to stop me calling her.

AIBU to report her missing? Or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 30/12/2019 22:30

@Eustacecraig yeah, I know that. The OP didn't make it clear that her friend was using it mostly. @Worried877 Be honest about reporting her missing (not that you should.) Is this an act of revenge? I mean, my take on it is you want to involve the police to get one over her for ghosting you. To make her realise how upset you are. Why would you want her as a friend? She's a criminal ( drink driving, disqualified etc), her ex is a criminal on the run, there is violence.....who needs friends like that, seriously?

Let it go and get over being ignored.

sonjadog · 30/12/2019 22:32

Why are you so desperate to be friends with her? Read back your last post and try to see it from the outside. It is full of examples of you turning yourself inside out to try and make her happy, and her doing not very much in return.

ProfessionalBoss · 30/12/2019 22:33

*that your no claims, 15 years...

LoveNote · 30/12/2019 22:44

opid send one last text saying its clear she doesn't value the friendship at this point in time but you will be there if she wants to pick it up again in the future

you sound like a good friend

Original poster

Worried877 · 30/12/2019 22:48

Just to be clear - I do have another car. I have 15 years NCB on that car. However the car was off the road, and has been off the road intermittently for the best part of a year. I just can't afford to make any more repairs on it. So the idea of using the other car for the lengthy commute in the middle of the night down country lanes was much more appealing.

Upon typing that, it occurs to me she probably also thought this.

OP posts:

ProfessionalBoss · 30/12/2019 22:55

If your friend assumed as I did that you had another car with 15 years no claims that you were using, then it might explain why you didn't have the car as often as you thought. But it still doesn't explain why if this had been your experience in year one, why you would continue in year 2,by which point its obvious that you're not using the car, ergo insurance fraud...

1Morewineplease · 30/12/2019 23:08

She’s ignoring you and has told mutual contacts to ignore you because she owes you and has no intention of paying you back.
She has financially stung you. You need to cancel the standing order/direct debit immediately.
She asked you to to be the named insurer as the premiums would be cheaper.
She has totally used you.
You were worried about her but she then claimed she was ok.
Stop subsidising her. She clearly doesn’t care for you other than to grasp your generosity.

SouthWestmom · 30/12/2019 23:16

She got the car after you moved so how did you share it, if you were commuting and she was doing the school run?

lljkk · 30/12/2019 23:20

How have you been getting to work if one car is off the road & the other one has disappeared with the soon-to-be-X-friend?

Not sure I actually want an answer. Oh well, whatever you thought you were doing that was legit, it fell apart now. Please don't push any more money her way. I sure hope this doesn't bite you in the arse any more than it already has.

Equanimitas · 30/12/2019 23:37

Why wasn't her boyfriend paying for the car insurance?

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2019 08:13

@Worried877 They never count no claims beyond 9 years. so it's pointless saying you have 15 years.

You really need to ask why you want to be friends with a woman like your friend. They sound in all honesty as if they belong to the underworld, with all the violence, fraud and lying you describe.

Isn't your question about reporting her missing a bit of a drama llama act, where you want to give her a fright and show her how miffed you are that she has ignored you? In any case the police would not take your case seriously.

Saddler · 31/12/2019 08:29

She doesn't want to speak to you. Take her to small claims court for your money although I wouldn't as what you've done is probably illegal with fronting her insurance. Then cut ties as she's apparently already done

LagunaBubbles · 31/12/2019 08:42

I'm just worried because the only thing I've heard from her since Oct is messages - what if she's hurt and someone just has her phone?

Are you normally this naive? She's not hurt, she's ignoring you. You seem to find this very hard to understand, and desperate to have her as a friend and see her.

Fr0g · 31/12/2019 08:47

stupid rather than unreasonable

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2019 08:55

So the idea of using the other car for the lengthy commute in the middle of the night down country lanes was much more appealing.

This makes no sense. If you moved away from her how would you borrow the car off her for your night time job? If you were living next door to her it’s doable.

You sound as dodgy as she does.

If I’ve misunderstood and it’s real then you’ve been played for a fool by a criminal. I’m sorry you haven’t realised this. Maybe wise up a bit and stay away from criminal “friends” in future. This is going to cost you. Don’t be tempted to do anything equally “dodgy” to get yourself out the shit.

EvilPea · 31/12/2019 08:57

Please talk to the insurance company and continue paying it.
I cancelled a policy within the 14 days but they didn’t receive my cancellation letter so got really quite legal and shitty wanting the full premium until I proved I’d insured it elsewhere.

Just leave her be, she’s clearly stitched you up a kipper.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 31/12/2019 09:00

Your OP also says that she “got herself a car” with you immediately saying that she is a bit dodgy. Did she actually buy this car herself? How did she acquire it?

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2019 09:13

OP this story isnt making any sense. You say you didn't think it was insurance fraud because the plan was to share the car, but you live 30 miles away so how would that work?

Also, as the policy holder, you must have had a lot of contact with the insurance company and presumably kept the lies up. I was hit by another driver who wrote off my car, he admitted full liability but even so I had to fill out endless forms etc not only about the accident but also about the status of the car- who owned it, where it was normally kept etc.

I think your "friend" is a user but I also think you need to consider your part in what is essentially criminal activity. Insurance fraud isn't a victimless crime, if what you have done comes to light then the policy is invalidated and the person whose car was hit will be impacted.

dottiedodah · 31/12/2019 09:16

I think you need to accept that she is not wanting to be in contact any more TBH! She seems like a bit of a "user" trying to get you to pay for some of the Insurance ! This is not normal behaviour is it? Maybe accept that its over now.She is still in contact with her family presumably ,so they would have raised the alarm if she was no longer in contact with them .

Mollychristmas · 31/12/2019 09:26

Quite honestly she scammed you and used you for as much as she could get (childcare etc) and when you were of no more use to you she dropped you.

You won’t see her or the money again, she will have a new victim.

It’s a hard and shitty lesson to learn.

Mollychristmas · 31/12/2019 09:27

*No more use to her

thickwoollytights · 31/12/2019 09:29

would a friend who was that close really just do that?

Well yes - she has , so clearly - yes

I'm very confused by your apparent inability to accept that ghosting has happened

She's not missing

Oliversmumsarmy · 31/12/2019 09:34

It wasn't intentional fraud - the intent was that I would use the car most as I was commuting to work when I was working nights in a pub and she would use it for school runs and errands

But you live at least 30 minutes away so how did that work.

After you dropped the car back after your night shift ended how did you get back to your house?

Also you don’t get points for drink driving.
It is an automatic ban so that makes no sense.

If she has points on her licence then the premium whether as the main driver or named driver would shoot the premium up.

Did you declare her points when you were getting the car insurance

Dita73 · 31/12/2019 09:36

You have to let this go. She’s definitely not your friend. I also guarantee she’s telling her family and other friends that you’re stalking her. She’s clearly an arsehole so think of this as a lucky escape

Ginger1982 · 31/12/2019 09:51

You both sound dodgy as hell.

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