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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to report her missing?

123 replies

Worried877 · 30/12/2019 19:37

Long story short -

was best friends with this woman, let's call her A. We were absolutely thick as thieves. She supported me through the death of my husband, we were incredibly close and the kids all played nicely. I did loads for her too.

I moved away in March 2018, only a 30 min drive, but my kids moved school. Then A got pregnant, settled down etc so I saw her less, naturally. I then got a full-time job so saw her even less, and I know she felt unsupported in the pregnancy because she was struggling with her other kids and her pregnancy but I couldn't help as I worked full time and due to the distance couldn't have her kids overnight (as they would need to be in school for 8.45 and so did mine, and with traffic that's at least 60 minutes drive apart)

We were still in contact most days, and if ever a few days went with no contact we'd check in with each other.

So she has baby in June this year, I met the baby and things were ok. I saw the baby twice that month, then didn't see A all over the summer holidays as I was still working etc. In fact, I didn't see her again.

She got herself a new car (I might add that A is 'dodgy' sometimes) and asked if I'd insure it, with her as named driver, the idea being we could both use the car if needed, so I did. She was paying me monthly to cover the insurance. She then crashed the car and didn't tell me. I got a phone call saying there was a claim and that my No-Claims would be affected (I have 15 years but it's "in use" on my car). I phoned her, she apologised and agreed to sort it.

Fast forward a few months, her premium rose due to the claim, she stopped paying me. I then ended up having my bills bounce while waiting for her to pay me. After this happening at least twice, and me being charged by the companies for the bills bouncing, I cancelled the direct debit. Obviously the car insurance wouldn't accept that, and demanded the rest of the year's premium.

I admit I did go on at her and send her lots of rambling messages about how she needed to find the money because I was living off air, all my money was absorbed by my bills and charges thanks to her (I don't earn a lot, so for example, paying £11 pet insurance is ok, but paying £11 + £25 fee for it bouncing is NOT ok). I did insist she sort it immediately. I didn't get angry, but I did vent a lot at her.

To her credit she did apologise. By this point it was October, I hadn't seen her since June. She told me she was pregnant and having an abortion so I backed off. We were still in contact though. I then called her and she said she was back in hospital with complications from the abortion and would phone me back.

I didn't hear back from her. So I drove to her house, nobody home. I called her other friend. who hadn't heard from her. Her boyfriend didn't answer the phone or messages. At this point I'm panicking as she has an ex who is on the run for beating her and leaving her for dead, I'm thinking he's got her. I messaged her boyfriend saying I was reporting her missing.

Low and behold I then get a text from her, saying she's not in a good place, her support has faded, she's split with her boyfriend and nobody can help her, her life is just a mess and that she needs to move out of her house (I knew this already as it was infested with mould). I did what any good friend would do, offered my support and for her to move in with me for a while til she gets back on her feet. Her reply was that she would speak to me later. I messaged her again over the next few days saying I was worried etc and I'd be coming round to see her, and she finally replied not to worry about her, that she was dealing with it, that she was going away for a week before she ended up mad.

That's the last I heard from her, 2 months ago. The last time I spoke to her 3 months ago.

I tried calling but she'd blocked me. Blocked me on whatsapp. I then asked her boyfriend why, and she unblocked my number (but not on whatsapp). She still didn't answer the phone.

Her boyfriend says they're trying to work it out (tbh I doubt they ever split up!). Her friend now blanks me. Her brother lives in New York but says she''s in contact with him. I've messaged him a few times, he's said she's ok and even said I was a good friend!

Less than a week after that, her brother's now blanking me and took me off social media! A put me on 'restricted' on facebook so I can't see her social media.

Her boyfriend is the only one who still speaks to me (for now) which I suspect is so I don't report her missing or anything.

This is so unlike her, as far as I know, other than messaging her too much before about the money she owes me, and messaging too much now (which is always just saying I'm worried, that I miss her etc) I can't see I've done anything wrong?!!!

And to make it all worse - I called her today, a man answered, said he'd just found the phone and was keeping it - wouldn't say where, pretended not to know who A was etc. It sounded fake as hell which makes me think either she''s in real trouble, or she's done it to stop me calling her.

AIBU to report her missing? Or shall I just leave it?

OP posts:

GreenTulips · 31/12/2019 09:53

Where’s the car now?
How did this commute work?
It doesn’t make sense.

Either way you committed fraud and you owe the company the money because they paid out.

Why? If you sold a car mid term then you would get a refund - only if you paid in full and didn’t claim.

MrsMoastyToasty · 31/12/2019 09:59

Where is the car now?

armitasp · 31/12/2019 10:08

It seems, on the face of things, like she isn't a very good friend and was just using you to pay for her car insurance. It looks like you are going to be stuck with the bill for the insurance. It sucks but you are probably going to have to put this down to experience. It's probably best to walk away from it.

Bitchbadgerplease · 31/12/2019 10:09

I need popcorn. Actually eff that I need a tub of it, a cuddle on the back seat and some pick n mix.

GreenTulips · 31/12/2019 10:15

I think you need to realise that since you moved away you are no longer useful to her. She can’t use you if you aren’t there can she?

You’ve been taken for a mug and I doubt she’s ever given as good and she got.

Move on

Angelf1sh · 31/12/2019 10:36

This whole thing is laughably batshit. That being said, who was the car registered to? If it was you and you’re knowingly allowing her to drive your car without any insurance, and possibly without a licence given your mention of driving with excess alcohol, you’re committing further criminal offences. You probably want to let the DVLA know that you do not own this vehicle.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 31/12/2019 10:54

I'm quite shocked at the responses the OP has had here.

It seems that nobody is considering that women do sometimes find themselves with abusive partners who control their lives (for example take their phones off them and "manage" their contacts and messages), stop them from seeing and contacting friends, hold them against their will and , albeit in extreme cases, kill them.

I get what everyone is saying about the financial situation, avoidance etc but please (majority of posters on here) don't just dismiss domestic violence especially when someone close (the OP) has some concerns and doubts.

Echoblue · 31/12/2019 10:55

OP, people like you are one of the reasons we all have to pay high premiums for insurance. Hopefully the insurers will involve the police to get this all sorted the right way.

FraglesRock · 31/12/2019 11:11

Small claims court for reclaiming some money
She's not your friend you got dumped over money
But she's not missing.

lovemenorca · 31/12/2019 11:26

@FraglesRock
She can’t go to small claims!! The OP has been fraudulent

ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt · 31/12/2019 11:34

OP, sorry, but you've been mugged off good and proper here. Proper friends don't get people to commit fraud for them.

lovemenorca · 31/12/2019 11:37

@ ScrommidgeClaryAndSpunt

The OP is an adult and chose to commit fraud

Welshmaenad · 31/12/2019 11:44

Never mind where's the car, where are the kids??? Where is she living? How chaotic is the lifestyle they are being raised in? Why did she crash the car and were the children in it when she did? Is this abusive ex the father of any of them and how much of a risk does he pose? If she feels she has lost her support system, how likely is she to reach out to him and put them all at risk?

I would be discussing these concerns with social services so they can liaise with the childrens' school/HV to ensure their wellbeing. She has older children plus a young baby. Never mind the car or the money.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 31/12/2019 11:45

Small claims court for reclaiming some money

Yes, that will go down really well "M'Lud, my friend hasn't paid me for her share in the insurance fraud we were pulling off"

Perid0t · 31/12/2019 11:50

She’s not missing. She’s used you and you need to not bother any more.

Babynut1 · 31/12/2019 12:22

Op take most of the insurance comments on here with a pinch of salt. The insurance industry varies massively and a lot of companies take lots of different approaches to things. If the insurance company have accepted your claim and paid out then I wouldn’t worry too much. However you will be liable for the full premium of your policy and as you are the policyholder, you are the person liable for the payments.
Not saying it’s right what you’ve done but it’s prob not as bad as a lot of people on here are making out.

As for your friend, you’ve been very naive, and still you’re still concerned for her despite all she’s done. I think it’s prob time to wake up and realise she’s probably not the friend you want her to be.
Leave her go op xx

JinglingHellsBells · 31/12/2019 13:52

For someone without any means, the missing friend) the small claims court is not the best way forward. I took someone to the SCC and he had no money. They sent the bailiffs round and he didn't have anything worth selling. In the end, the money was deducted weekly from his benefits and repaid to me over 2 years. Really not worth the hassle for a small amount but in my case he hit my car and was uninsured so I chased for it.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 31/12/2019 13:55

I cant believe you were stupid enough to agree to the insurance. No insurance company would support this, you cant even do it for your child any more. They may well tret it as fraud

HaileySherman · 31/12/2019 14:17

Idk,I don't think you're crazy to be concerned if you've not seen or heard her voice and she was vulnerable. No harm, in my opinion, to request a wellness check in. Probably she feels out of control and ashamed about what's happened, but you don't really know.

JKScot4 · 31/12/2019 15:04

@NoMorePoliticsPlease
You can insure someone as a named driver on your policy, I’m named on my DPs policy for a vehicle.

GreenTulips · 31/12/2019 15:47

You maybe be named as a second driver, however if you use the car daily for work then you are the main driver no occasional driver.

The insurance companies aren’t stupid

EmmaGrundyForPM · 01/01/2020 15:52

No one is saying you can't be a named driver on a policy where someone else is the main driver. The fraud is when someone claims to be the main driver to keep.the premium lower but the car is actually being mostly driven by the named driver.

Mushypeasandchipstogo · 01/01/2020 17:41

In the nicest possible way you seem rather naive OP. Cut your losses and have no more to do with your “friend”. She is obviously avoiding you.

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