To go round and give my neighbour a piece of my mind?

[StylishDuck]

We've lived in the house for 18 months (me, DH and 2 DC age 2 and 5). Neighbours across the drive are a couple in their late sixties. The husband has got this kind of "status" in the street. He waters everyone's plants, looks after their houses when they're on holiday, washes people's cars... etc. We've never asked him or encouraged him to do anything like this for us. I've talked to him a few times and he's come across as a racist, intolerant, set in his ways old man. So aside from a polite "hello" when I see him or his wife I don't take much to do with them. My DH is generally more chatty and has had a few more conversations with him. DH has had a few mild altercations with him when he's overstepped the mark in terms of comments about things that we do on our own property that are nothing to do with him, really trivial stuff like how we put rubbish in our bins for example. DH has always diffused them fairly quickly.

That's the background. Today, DC and I are at my parents for a festive family do. DH followed half an hour behind us. He told me that after we left neighbour approached him in the street and basically had a go at him telling him that I was not neighbourly/friendly towards him, I don't talk to him, we're nothing like the previous occupants of the house and apparently the situation has reached "boiling point". DH was a bit like but told him it wasn't appropriate for him to be saying things like this about me, that he doesn't know me and suggested he spoke to me directly about his concerns as he doesn't speak for me. Neighbour implied that as my husband DH should be apologising profusely for my "behaviour" and ensure that I toe the line in future

Now he's obviously a few sandwiches short of a picnic and quite frankly I want nothing more to do with him but the feminist in me is seething internally at the implication that DH should be in charge of me somehow. But part of me thinks there's no point in saying anything because he's not going to listen to anything I say and I would just end up getting more annoyed. DH thinks I should just ignore him.

WWYD? (Sorry this is so long, and a bit ridiculous!)

Smile and wave, OP, smile and wave.

Ignore. And you are equally intollerant with ageist comments about him being old and a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

And what, exactly, does 'boiling point' mean?

The more he works himself into a rage, the more impotent he is. What can he do, realistically.

I'd ignore. You have your own life - leave him to his little 'empire'. I bet he's short.

I have one of these on my street. He likes to stand on his balcony and whistle at us to get our attention. At which point we are meant to go over to his house and listen to his wisdom. I ignore him. He is obsessed with my heating. He is sure I could heat my house better if I listened to his advice.

Another in the "ignore" camp. When you encounter him, pretend you can't see him.

I'm really curious as to what he means by "boiling point" - is it all going to tip over into a street brawl?

I'd have to start making friends with the other neighbours. Be friendly with them. Throw this other neighbour off guard.

I'd quietly do this, or at least, be friendly in the street, say hello, etc. While continuing to utterly ignore this neighbour. He wants you to speak, to have that control, so I'd deny him that, and by ignoring him, he can't claim you've been nasty, etc.

Ignoring him would be the thing that winds him up the most.

@StylishDuck

OMG this guy sounds like a nutter. You not engaging with him (like he wants you to,) has created a situation that's at 'boiling point.' LOL, what a twat!

If ever you get a chance, watch the film 'Christmas With The Kranks.' There's a character in that (who is the Krank family's neighbour) called Mr Frohmeyer. Nosey, interfering, making himself chief of everything in the cul-de-sac of 24 or so homes, and telling the Kranks they should be ashamed of themselves for choosing to skip Christmas. Everyone was scared of him. This pillock of a man (in your neighbourhood) sounds like that!

I echo what many other posters have said; carry on as you are and say nothing! I would be FURIOUS at the implication that my DH is the boss of me, but I'd still say nothing.

@mbosnz

What the hell is this whole signing for your neighbour's parcels thing? We didn't have it in NZ! As far as I'm concerned, I'm not going to ask my neighbour to take responsibility for my parcels, and I'm not very keen to be asked to take responsibility for theirs - I've got no idea what's in them!

Yeah this. ^ I never take in parcels, and never expect anyone to take mine in. It's 2019 (nearly 2020,) and the vast majority of people have smartphones/mobile phones, or the internet. And along with this, goes the ability to track and divert your parcel, get a 2 to 3 hour delivery slot, and choose a safe place for it to be left if you're not in.

Eg, in the top of your wheelie bin, or in the shed, or in the garage, or behind the shed, or under the cardboard tub, or in the porch, or in the back garden in the ornamental well or windmill etc.....

You can also arrange (in some cases,) to have it delivered to Asda/Tesco/Morrisons/Argos etc, and put into a delivery locker until you come and get it.

No way would I be taking peoples parcels in for them.

As mbosnz said, you don't know what's in them, or what you're signing for. Suppose whatever's in it is damaged? Or the neighbour says that they didn't receive it, and you are blamed for the parcel's loss?!

Also, no way do I want them taking mine in. I am quite capable of organising my own parcel delivery.

No advice except don't let him get to you. He wants to be important & he isn't.

Your husband, though... he's a keeper!

It’s as the old adage says ‘Don’t be tempted to wrestle with a pig. You get muddy, and the pig enjoys it too much.’

Your neighbour wants desperately to ‘draw you out’ and then use whatever you say/do as ammunition against you. Only complete silence and privacy can spoil his fun.

Mind you, when he does storm over to complain about your new trampoline, feel free to say ‘I’ve been warned by nearly everyone in the street to keep my distance from you, I’m starting to see why you have that reputation.’

It will drive him insane. He loves to think of himself as important and friendly, the idea people call him a coot behind his back (and he can’t exactly check, can he?) will kill him.

DH has suggested that we cover the bit of fence at the back that he regularly peers over with some bamboo and block off the hole that his cat squeezes through.

When the trampoline goes up I will ensure that the children do not play on it during unsociable hours but I don't have any plans to stop them enjoying themselves on their own garden.

I intend to ignore him completely from now on and not give him the time of day. I have a full time job and 2 young children to look after therefore I have zero time for his bullshit.

Though I have to say (after several glasses of prosecco at my DPs house) that some of your suggestions are quite tempting

Thank you so much everyone for confirming that he is indeed a cantankerous old bastard and not worth getting upset about.

I would be redoubing my efforts with every other neighbour. And flat out cross-the-street blanking him.

You get these lunatics. Self styled neighbourhood Kings who require homage and deference and become infuriated if they don’t get it. There is fun to be had with these people but at the same time they tend to be raging narcs so not worth the hassle.

I would just completely ignore him from now on. There is nothing you can say or do which will adequately please someone like this.

Ignore him. By that I mean actually, actively ignore him. If you find yourself making eye contact just look through him, don't acknowledge a word he says. Pretend he's not there at all, at all times.

If he collars dh again, dh can say that it's because you are so mightily offended at the idea that dh himself can tell you what to do or how to act just because he's your husband, and that neighbour owes you a huuuuge apology.

The guy is an ass and I’m not in anyway defending his behaviour. My only word of caution would be against kicking up a fuss too much, not that he doesn’t deserve to be put in his place. If he is popular and respected by other neighbours you could find yourselves disliked by others, if its one of those close knit communities of neighbours. That will make living there unpleasant to say the least. As someone else said, politely say hello and leave it at that. I’m sure giving him a piece of your mind is sound advise from others who don’t have to live where you do but you have to live next to these people and having been in a situation where neighbourly tensions were in full swing I can vouch that it’s not at all pleasant to love in that sort of situation.

Definitely elevate the fence - climbing roses - a particularly thorny type?! And block off his cat's access. . . and ignore, ignore, ignore. Nothing would piss him off more than you making it very clear how very irrelevant you find the silly fool.

He sounds like a total pain, who doesn't understand this strong female neighbour not wanting to crawl up his arse. Honestly, the cheek of you OP!

Ha my parents have the head of their village council next to them who thinks my landscape gardener dad should devote all of his free time sorting out everyone’s gardens everytime the village in bloom comes up.

He has complained to my parents about the trampoline in their garden that my son plays on as the village is in his words “not that sort of place”!!!!
Every time my son goes in the garden he stands glaring at his bedroom window. My mum takes great delight in waving and shouting Coo eeeee
He complains if any car parks outside his house, he complains my parents wheely bin is on view.
I could go on

Oh and he once said “my dad should keep his women in check” when she once had an arguement with her about their lawn no being mowed when my dad had a bad back.

Ohhh the feminist in me is also seething. What an inconsiderate arsehole your DH is for not keeping his little wifey in line.

I'd be tempted to wave a cheery "morning sweetcheeks" next time.

I would prefer "morning pig ignorant twatty cunt chops"... but I'm terrible with confrontation so it'd probably be a "morning Keith" you cunt under my breath once safely in my car.

As one who has suffered major neighbour issues I can strongly advise you not to react in any way.

These types want control and feed off low level drama of this sort. Cut off their oxygen and they will eventually just direct their attention elsewhere.

DH has suggested that we cover the bit of fence at the back that he regularly peers over with some bamboo

I did this and then he started getting a ladder out to climb up and sit on top of in order to look into my back garden and into the back of my house. Then he started paying other people to do it and the situation escalated. I ignored all the batshite craziness and it just got worse. They do not like to be ignored.

As pp have said you can't win with this type of people OP. I think ignoring your neighbour is the right thing to do, BUT as pp have said it WILL wind him up and he will likely do something very silly in order to get your attention because remember you 'deserve' to be punished for ignoring 'the most important man on the road'. Clearly your DH can't 'keep you in line' so the neighbour will have to do it for him. Cue more batshite craziness. You might be working full time and have an active social life (so no time for this nonsense) but if your neighbour is retired like mine is they have all the time in the world to sit around thinking up all this utterly bizzare controlling crap to make your life hell until you toe their line.

Good Luck!!

You're absolutely right to ignore him OP.

However, should he confront you, I'd be tempted to say 'Very sorry, I really can't speak with you, my husband would rather I only bring him to boiling point...'

Look up “medium chill”...the strategy takes some practice but would work perfectly.