To be resentful to her for my infertility

[TotallyDoneWithThis]

When I was 17 I fell pregnant with a long term boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t very nice and along with my mother they pretty much forced me to have a termination. Terrified and bewildered, my boyfriend told me if I kept the baby I would not be supported and wouldn’t get no money from him and would be kicked out of the flat we shared. I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn? Being just a child myself I had no idea of the help I would’ve been able to access. I had to wait a while for the termination and spent days dreaming of what it would be like to run away and have my baby and knowing there was a life growing inside of me, I formed a bond. Anyway, despite me pleading to be able to keep the baby and that it would all work out, I was marched to hospital for a termination.

Since then many years have passed and I’m now in my mid thirties. I have had a long term relationship which lasted ten years. Unfortunately it ended last year. During that time we tried for a baby for 8 long years but nothing happened. I have also had unprotected sex with another partner which I didn’t get pregnant.

As I wasn’t able to conceive and due to other issues, I’ve been back and forth to the hospital and they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks. Obviously this is messing with my mental health as I want nothing more than to have a baby but the resentment I feel towards my mother for making me give up my dream, probably my one chance to be a parent is really soul destroying.shes always been difficult and very self centred, selfish, everything revolves around her but now I just don’t want anything to do with her. I begged her for me to be able keep my baby. I also blame the boyfriend but I haven’t seen him for 17 years.

No, I don't think you have been clear.

I don't have ASD, as it happens. But, if you have a sister with ASD, you should know that it is offensive to use it as a rhetorical trope for shutting down discussion, which is what I think you are doing here.

If you are simply unable to justify your posts, that's fine. We all have off days. Don't worry about it.

But don't use ASD as an excuse for your own shortcomings. That's just cheap.

Sarahandquack - I’m sorry if I offended you.

You clearly are getting upset by our discussion, and as you don’t understand my posts and seem very keen to position yourself as good guy/ victim and me bad guy/ perpetrator I think I’ll give it a night. Tarrah!
🚶‍♀️

Oh, also, I don’t see ASD as an insult, rather as a different state of being. So it was intended as an insult, I’m sorry you took it that way.

*wasn’t

No, you've not offended me at all - indeed I was confused and concerned why you seemed so upset by my posts. I hope you are feeling better now, and that I've not upset you. Please don't feel you have to stop posting. You are saying many sensible things.

As I said before: no one thinks you are the bad guy. Really. I simply asked why you're so sure the OP isn't telling the truth when she says she was coerced. I think it's important to take what she says at face value, and not to assume she is lying or misrepresenting things, unless we can be sure.

No doctor would perform a termination on a woman who didn't want one.

If they frogmarched her to the hospital, they would not have been doing so when they arrived.

The reality is OP couldn't think how she would support herself and the baby without a home, money or a job.

Your mother wasn't willing to support you financially under the circumstances...that's her choice. I choose to support my DD financially in University...I wouldn't support her financially if she got pregnant.

Maturity is realising how your choices will impact on other ppl.

Nobody is the perfect mother...or the perfect parent...or the perfect human being. The OPs mum knew if she had the baby, she would have to support them financially...she would have to look after the baby...it's impossible not to do so when your DD and GC live with you.

If the OP had been able to support herself, she could have walked away from the mum and useless BF and done it alone.

If being resentful or cutting ties will help you, that's up to you to decide....but many mothers would do the same...that doesn't make them bad.

You were living with a man at 17...possibly from 16.... that's not great. I think there's a lot more to this than you've been able to say here...so trying pin this all on your mum isn't the best way.

Your infertility is unfortunate.........and sad...but is not her fault. This wasn't a back street abortion.

It sounds like there are a few separate issues here that need to be broken down.

AUBU to blame your mum for your infertility? yes this is just fate and bad luck.

AYBU to blame her for not having children now? yes and no. She did not make keeping a baby at 17 a easy or comfortable option. She did however not know you would later have these problems.

AYBU to blame her for the abortion? yes and no. While she could have been kinder by offering support but she was under no obligations to. That child would have been your responsibility not her's. You decided to terminate rather then research all to options available. I know you said you were frog marched but surely once there you could have made your wishes clear. Yes it would not have been easy especially at 17 but it was still in the end your choice.

AYBU to be recentful to how your family reacted to the situation and delt with it? not at all. What they said and did was cruel. This really needs to be addressed. If you can forgive them or not is up to you but if the pain they caused is too big you need to find a type of relationship that works for you be that nc, lc, or family therapy but the damage they have done needs to be addressed for you to move forward. I know you said you are currently not in a relationship but have you maybe considered adoption for in tge future?

No doctor would perform a termination on a woman who didn't want one.

If they frogmarched her to the hospital, they would not have been doing so when they arrived.

This is a sadly naive perspective.

It's also culpable.

This is the sort of ignorance that allows abuses to continue to happen.

I’m just wondering op if you’ve ever spoken to your mother as an adult about your abortion? Maybe she regrets you having one as much as you do

This is an interesting one, I personally understand having issues with my mother for stuff that happened in my teens and then it all exploding in my 30’s. I kept it in for so long that when it all came out, it was a bloody mess.

However, as the mother of a teen, I can understand your mothers point of view. I would probably offer my daughter the same options, terminate or move out and fund this child yourself. Not because I would want to, and in reality if DD were an only child I would probably make it work somehow. But I have other kids to consider, a very very small house, and sanity that is already hanging on by a thread. Being forced into providing for a baby I don’t want would probably break me.

I’m also not sure it’s helpful to look at ‘the child that could have been’ with such rose coloured glasses. Statistically, you and that child would probably have had a very hard life.

You'd be surprised how many girls and young woman are manipulated into have an abortion by their parents; a friend of mine was at 26 so I can't imagine what would have happened had she become pregnant at 17.

However not many of us would want a teenage daughter to have a baby, the op was still at school - and living in a flat with a boyfriend which is unusual in itself for a schoolgirl. It's not easy being a single mother at any age, never mind a penniless 17 year old.

*GiveHerHellFromUs

And tbh you had 17 years to ttc again long before this most recent relationship

You missed the bit where she said she tried to conceive for 8 years in her previous relationship.

no that still means there were 9 other years and doesn't mean the man had no issues either.

Yabvu.
I was pregnant at just 16, still at high school. I studied v hard, got good grades, got a full time job when my baby was 6 weeks old, got my own (not council) house, I was disowned by my family whilst pregnant for shaming them (and not going to university) and brought my child up completely on my own. My choice was not to terminate. My choice. And yours was yours. We all have autonomy. There are always consequences. And sometimes very sadly regrets.

Haven't RTFT but I have got to say I'm appalled at some of the first few replies. How dare you say OP should get help to come to terms with "her" decision to abort. IT WASN'T HER DECISION. She was clearly forced and that helplessness and abuse she suffered is what she is struggling to come to terms with today. Im glad some posters pre warned you about having a thread like this in Aibu, it's clearly not the place for stories needing compassion and kindness.

@emojisarentwords she could have done research to see what options she had to raise the child on her own without help. Yes they drove her there and took her to the appointment but she could have still said no and then cut all contact if that is what she wanted

No doctor would perform a termination on a woman who didn't want one. If they frogmarched her to the hospital, they would not have been doing so when they arrived.

The nights before my forced termination I lay in my bedroom and all I wanted to do was run away, go to my dad’s house (they were divorced and he didn’t know about the pregnancy) and ask him for help. I didn’t though because I was too scared, I had been bought up in a way that my mother was not to be argued with.

When she drove me to the clinic I cried the whole way there and she totally ignored me.

When we got to the clinic I was like a robot, I nodded along with the doctors, told them I wanted it done, signed the consent form but inside I was prettified.

As I lay on the theatre trolley and saw the anaesthetist come to me with the syringe of anaesthetic I kept telling myself in my head, “This is it, you have to stop this now, tell him to stop” but I didn’t. I was too scared of my mom to go against her wishes.

Some may say my mother didn’t force me to have a termination because I could have said no at any time, but the reality was that I couldn’t . Years of growing up under her power had completely taken away any strength within myself to go against her.