To be resentful to her for my infertility

[TotallyDoneWithThis]

When I was 17 I fell pregnant with a long term boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t very nice and along with my mother they pretty much forced me to have a termination. Terrified and bewildered, my boyfriend told me if I kept the baby I would not be supported and wouldn’t get no money from him and would be kicked out of the flat we shared. I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn? Being just a child myself I had no idea of the help I would’ve been able to access. I had to wait a while for the termination and spent days dreaming of what it would be like to run away and have my baby and knowing there was a life growing inside of me, I formed a bond. Anyway, despite me pleading to be able to keep the baby and that it would all work out, I was marched to hospital for a termination.

Since then many years have passed and I’m now in my mid thirties. I have had a long term relationship which lasted ten years. Unfortunately it ended last year. During that time we tried for a baby for 8 long years but nothing happened. I have also had unprotected sex with another partner which I didn’t get pregnant.

As I wasn’t able to conceive and due to other issues, I’ve been back and forth to the hospital and they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks. Obviously this is messing with my mental health as I want nothing more than to have a baby but the resentment I feel towards my mother for making me give up my dream, probably my one chance to be a parent is really soul destroying.shes always been difficult and very self centred, selfish, everything revolves around her but now I just don’t want anything to do with her. I begged her for me to be able keep my baby. I also blame the boyfriend but I haven’t seen him for 17 years.

Children are a priviledge not a right

Actually, they are neither. They are the result of a successfully gestated fertilised egg.

I think you need to consider the fact that there was no guarantee of having a child at 17. There is absolutely no way that you can know if you would have gone full term and been delivered of your dream child. It was a foetus that only promised possibilities.

And there's no guarantee that nearly 20 years on that you may or may not have a child, no matter how hard you try and how often you have unprotected sex. And not all of that has to do with whatever plumbing issues you might have.

I agree that counselling is the right thing to do. Should you become pregnant and have the perfect child the hostility you hold for what happened long ago might rebound. Get your head sorted a bit first before you try any further.

I do hope you can reconcile your past. And I do hope you can find happiness. Don't forget that there are lots of women who have fulfilling lives without having had a child and should you not have one yourself there are ways you can have a positive affect on a child that is not your own.

@AlmostAJillSandwich what about all the other people leaching off the state? There are families claiming all kinds of benefits with loads of kids who haven’t worked a day in their life. I’m not like that. I would’ve sorted myself out had I known there was help. I was actually on the pill and it failed. I didn’t go getting pregnant on purpose.

I had to consent, I had no choice if you read my previous posts.

Counselling is about putting the past in the past and yes, that can involve revisiting old hurt and upset that has caused resentment. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and if things had been different, maybe the outcome would have been different but they were not. In your place, I would be looking at what medical intervention was possible to ablate those fibroids, laser the endo and then look at whether the eggs you have are viable for ivf to help get things started. Does the doctor say you cannot carry? Then surrogate is a possible answer. Instead of letting the past eat you up (a past you cannot change) what can you do to change the future?

Its bizzarre to me that people are saying 'Your mother did what any mother would've done in that situation'. No, I'd like to think that if my child were in that position i'd support them to come to THEIR OWN decision and what was best for them, not impose my views and force my child into doing something they didn't want.

OP, I'm so so sorry for your pain, like other posters have said please look into counselling for your termination.
Have the doctors given you any options? Would IVF using your eggs, a surrogate and a sperm donor be an option?

OP
just dont engage with that kind of areshole. Really don’t. Move This to relationships

I've not voted because I think it's less black and white.

It's understandable that you feel resentment for a future that might have been, however you'd be naive if you thought that having a baby at 17 with a waste of space and no support would come close to what you'd be able to offer as an adult with a supportive partner and ability to provide. There's a danger when you're playing over your loss of a child you'd have wanted in adulthood that you romanticise what the alternative pathway would have been (eg it would have been difficult but I'd have managed...)

Your mum isn't responsible for your fertility struggles and it feels like in trying to cope with your current feelings you're displacing you current feelings into anger at you mother.

Like other posters I think you may find some comfort in therapy or counselling for the situation.

I think you're looking for someone to blame. You were unemployed, not living at home, you lived with the waster, and pregnant at seventeen. Claiming to be both a child and mature enough to raise a child in the same paragraph is telling.

You need help to move past this, it's linked to your infertility. If you had had the child, you could well be blaming your mother for the way your life had turned out as a young single mum on benefits.

Your current issues are unrelated to your termination, just an unhappy coincidence. I have three children, the youngest is six and we struggled to conceive (months of nothing in between several early MC)despite having no problems previously. Tests and an operation showed I have endometriosis and PCOS and it was very unlikely we’d conceive again. It did happen (obviously) but these were problems that developed over time, not as a result (directly or otherwise) of any interference to the natural order of things.
It’s hard, but it’s not your mother’s fault. She saw a train wreck about to happen.

OP, I really think you need to look at counselling if you're at all going to be able to move forward in this. You're grieving the baby you didn't have and the babies you possibly can no longer have. All of that grief is being aimed at your dm as you feel she forced you to terminate against your wishes. So that's 3 very very emotive issues that you're trying to deal with.
Please return to your GP and explain how you feel. You cannot change what has happened, but you can change how you perceive it.
Wishing you well x

Op:
Are you still in contact with your Mum?

( sorry if I’ve missed this information in your pp’s )

I would’ve sorted myself out had I known there was help.

There isn’t that much help though, that’s the reality. Resources are very area dependent. It falls mainly on the grandparents to support mother and baby.

It would have been very very tough and you might have blamed your mum for not dissuading you from having a baby so young.

But you can easily so you could've sorted housing etc.

But there was nothing stopping you packing a bag and walking out of the house.
Saying No to them and not taking a single penny from her again.
The reality is you didn't have many options.
You weren't supporting yourself. Your mother is not and was not responsible for a child she didn't create.

I think it’s one thing to advise termination, another to threaten your child with no support if they have the child. I think OP your DM was unfair, and did not act as a parent should. I think for any woman to have an abortion when she really wants to keep her baby is a dreadful thing. I can only suggest some form of counselling. Your DM let you down.

they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks

Is any of this treatable?

Your mum was out of order. I’m going against the majority here, I can see.. but I have 2 daughters & if one of them became pregnant at 17 I’d of course be hugely worried for her but I would never tell her I wouldn’t support her & therefore force her into an abortion.

It seems, her body, her choice only counts if the woman wants an abortion... not if she doesn’t. I’m so sorry OP, must be hugely difficult for you now facing infertility to think of what might of been. But don’t write yourself off, lots of women conceive with endo. I have PCOS & was told I would find it very hard to conceive & I have 2 girls now.

There is hope!

Oksunny
I hear you and I wouldn't say that I'd cut someone off and refuse any support but there's different types of support and it's clear that the OP wasn't in need to typical grandparent level of support (a bit of baby sitting, moral support along the way and maybe a small contribution towards some baby gear to get ready) .

She was clearly in a position where she was in no position to provide for the child and her mother, quite reasonably, said she wasn't going to be supporting the child. From this:
I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn?
it sounds like the mum was pointing out the level of financial support required to raise a child (due to being homeless if they left their boyfriend's place, no job etc).
Yes, the OP was in full time education but babies aren't raised for free and wishing to remain in full time education and expecting others to fund your choice to have a baby you can't provide for isn't a right, nor is it something that a grandparent is wrong for not financing (either by choice or by inability to do).

The OP could have made the decision to say "I'm 17 and adult enough to have this much wanted baby. I'll continue with the pregnancy, seek relevant information from council services, continue with education as best I can, get a part time job and I'll accept the provision available in my area". She didnt. She says she was forced into an abortion because others wouldn't financially support a choice she had no ability to fund.

It doesn't make the situation any less heart breaking or difficult now and my heart goes out to the OP, but her mother isn't in the wrong here.

I am so sorry op. It sounds like you family were totally unhelpful and unsupportive of you. Maybe an abortion was the best thing for you, but it was your decision, not theres. They should have told your idiot boyfriend to pull his head in and support you in your decision. You would have been a very young mum but I am sure you would have done a good job and loved your baby.
Your infertility may or may not be related but it makes no difference. You were not given the choice or space to make your own decision. I wonder though if this is a symptom of other issues, are there other things that are bothering you that would be worth talking to a counsellor about, even if you aren't ready to confront this issue?
A good counsellor can be really helpful. Good luck op.

Endometriosis and fibroids are not caused by abortions.
Sadly you have no idea when this began nor indeed if you could have miscarried as many with these conditions have. It's conjecture.

You got pregnant.
Your family told it as it was - they intended to not support you. You opted to agree to the termination. Whether you now feel coerced or not, you had the opportunity to back out.

You didn't.

And tbh you had 17 years to ttc again long before this most recent relationship. So need to take some responsibility for this yourself.

Rather than spend all this energy blaming other people, focus on finding a good endo centre and getting it excised. Get on a good treatment plan like zoladex afterwards. Don't mention ttc as they won't treat you so vehemently as will pass solely to fertility dept. By getting treatment you increase your odds of being successful when ttc.

But tbh you sound like until you've sorted out your emotional issues long before you should embark upon ttc.

And tbh you had 17 years to ttc again long before this most recent relationship

You missed the bit where she said she tried to conceive for 8 years in her previous relationship

I too believe that you would benefit from some counselling.

Counselling may help you to find a way of accepting your mother's choice not to support you in bringing a child into the world that she did not want to raise. Had you been mature enough you may have found out all about the help you could have got, not relied on others to provide it for you - as harsh as that may sound.

Counselling may help you to find a way to forgive yourself for not finding a way to stand against those who wanted you to abort. You were a child back then and you need to forgive the child that was you then.

Counselling may help you to find a way to separate your current infertility problems from your abortion. In all likelihood the two are probably not related.

Life is very hard for some but most of us have troubles or tragedies along the way. It is not weak to ask for help in finding ways to deal with life's unfairness, disappointments, traumas.

I myself have had counselling over the years to help me cope with many miscarriages, stillbirth, and childloss from cancer. I have been full of rage at the onslaught of unfairness that has been thrown at me over the years.

Not everyone needs outside help but I certainly did. It helped me get some equilibrium in a world that was so turbulent through my rage and sadness. I hated most people, even those I loved, for a time. I hated the world.

It's ok to feel so bloody angry but don't let it define the rest of your life.

Go gently on yourself.

Very sorry OP but as many have said I
Would separate the issues and seek counselling.

I actually don’t disagree with your mum refusing to support you and pushing for a termination- I wouldn’t want to essentially be put in a position of raising a grandchild I didn’t choose. However the cold manner in which you’ve described her as being- my heart breaks for you.
I hope you find resolution OP

My niece was pregnant at 16. My SIL, a single parent, not unlike your mum made it clear the realities (housing, education, financial, emotional, relationship with father not lasting, limited support she should be as working FT herself) of continuing with the pregnancy. Her boyfriend was as useful as any teenager would be in the circumstances swaying between termination and a romanticised I'll always provide for you (with no skills, qualifications, aptitude or ambition).

She is now happily married to a lovely man, but due to two separate health issues has been unable to conceive. Due to her heath issues she has been told by Dr to get a move on if she wants a family or else it will never happen, prior to TTC she has had special counselling as, if/when she does conceive she has been warned there is a very high probability her body will reject a growing foetus a few times before she has a successful pregnancy. The whole thing has been very hard on her, but she has never once considered blaming her mum. She realises the termination was the right thing to do at the time, but of course she wonders 'what if'.

It sounds like you don't have the best of relationships with your mum, this along with your grief around your infertility, and you are looking for someone to blame.

It will not help you to have someone to blame, if only the feelings of grief and 'what if' could go away that easily. The issue of your termination and fertility have become entwined, counselling might help you separate and deal with them individually. This is too complex to deal with yourself.

YANBU OP and frankly I'm shocked at some of the "mummy knew best" comments on here. Pro choice is pro CHOICE, not pro "terminate every unplanned pregnancy because the pregnant woman should be a sensible girl and stop complaining". Your mother was very, very wrong to force you to abort. There is a world of possibility between threatening and frogmarching a scared, sad young woman into an abortion clinic, and being the sole carer of your teenage daughter's grandchild. It isn't either or or. She handled it badly and she was wrong. You fertility problems now must seem like a slap in the face. Personally I'd have it out with her, tell her how you feel, and book yourself into some counselling. It's OK if it means you may become more bitter and angry at first, when you lance a wound the pus and gunk has to flow out before healing can happen.

I absolutely agree with @LolaSmiles. It’s very easy for people to say OPs mum should have supported her whatever decision she made but support doesn’t begin and end with the (often purely emotional) decision re the pregnancy. IMO any young girl making such a decision deserves to know what exactly this “support“ looks like if she has a child.

It seems the OPs mum made it clear she wouldn’t be providing any support at all and while people may think that’s harsh or insist they would have done anything and everything, the fact remains that she was not obliged to upend her own life to facilitate this unplanned pregnancy. Too often it’s assumed that another woman will take the strain in the name of being a good mum but In reality that person is often being asked to make huge sacrifices, yet is supposed to do nothing but murmur I’ll support you in whatever you decide dear.

It’s terribly sad that the OP is dealing with fertility issues and completely understandable that she would look back and think “what if things had been different” but it’s really unfair to vilify her mum who most likely did what she thought was best in a difficult situation.