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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be resentful to her for my infertility

216 replies

TotallyDoneWithThis · 29/12/2019 16:26

When I was 17 I fell pregnant with a long term boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t very nice and along with my mother they pretty much forced me to have a termination. Terrified and bewildered, my boyfriend told me if I kept the baby I would not be supported and wouldn’t get no money from him and would be kicked out of the flat we shared. I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn? Being just a child myself I had no idea of the help I would’ve been able to access. I had to wait a while for the termination and spent days dreaming of what it would be like to run away and have my baby and knowing there was a life growing inside of me, I formed a bond. Anyway, despite me pleading to be able to keep the baby and that it would all work out, I was marched to hospital for a termination.

Since then many years have passed and I’m now in my mid thirties. I have had a long term relationship which lasted ten years. Unfortunately it ended last year. During that time we tried for a baby for 8 long years but nothing happened. I have also had unprotected sex with another partner which I didn’t get pregnant.

As I wasn’t able to conceive and due to other issues, I’ve been back and forth to the hospital and they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks. Obviously this is messing with my mental health as I want nothing more than to have a baby but the resentment I feel towards my mother for making me give up my dream, probably my one chance to be a parent is really soul destroying.shes always been difficult and very self centred, selfish, everything revolves around her but now I just don’t want anything to do with her. I begged her for me to be able keep my baby. I also blame the boyfriend but I haven’t seen him for 17 years.

OP posts:
isadoradancing123 · 29/12/2019 19:19

Your mum would have been the one left to raise the baby, she is not in the wrong or at least she wasnt 17 years ago

misspiggy19 · 29/12/2019 19:24

if you were ready to be a parent, you would have known how to find a job and a place to live and food etc.

^I have to agree with this. It is easy for you to say now that you would have made it worked but fact of the matter is that at the time you were so clueless that you didn’t know help was available to you.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 19:26

You opted to agree to the termination. Whether you now feel coerced or not, you had the opportunity to back out.

@SoloMummy, I don't know how you think you know this?

YouretheChristmasCarcass · 29/12/2019 19:30

Please seek counseling. Yes, you may become angrier and it may cause you more pain, at first. But remember it's always darkest just before the dawn. Counseling will help you examine that anger from all angles and then teach you to deal with it and put it in its proper place.

Right now that anger and sadness is preventing you from living your best life. It may not be the exact life you wanted, but it can still be a good life.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 19:30

I think all the posters saying that the OP's mum did nothing wrong are missing a substantial issue.

Yes, of course the OP's mum shouldn't have felt she had to provide financial support, and it may have been she felt it was impossible, too. And I don't think it was wrong for the OP's mum to say she felt a termination was the best option.

What is wrong, is to coerce someone into a medical procedure, which is what the OP says happened here.

I'd like to hope that, if I were the mum in this situation, I'd try to give my daughter a clear and full a picture of how difficult it is to raise a baby, and how little financial support there is. I would try very hard to talk to her about the emotional aspects of pregnancy, and I would acknowledge (because it is true) that hormones can make you feel desperately protective of a pregnancy that isn't, rationally, a sensible option to continue.

But I would not coerce someone into an abortion.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 29/12/2019 19:33

if you were ready to be a parent, you would have known how to find a job and a place to live and food etc

It’s a valid point.

Realistically though, you had no money, no own home and obviously weren’t old enough to go it alone or you would have. What sort of life would the child have had? Your mum could see the bigger picture.

dirtyrottenscoundrel · 29/12/2019 19:36

This is the problem with abortion. How many women are coerced into having them by partners or family members?
I wish there was more support for women in situations like this.

All the very best to you op. I hope you eventually find peace and live a happy & fulfilling life. Flowers

Muckyboots1 · 29/12/2019 19:41

Sometimes when you read certain threads on Mumsnet, you'd be forgiven for thinking that if you don't write your child's UCAS application for them, drive them everywhere, and let them live at home until they're 30 you're a shit parent. But pregnant teenage girls apparently don't fall into this bracket, they shouldn't expect any help from their parents at all, oh no, not a pick of it. I was reading a thread the other day where a mother was crucified because her violent and frankly horrid 16 year old was expected to do some chores and cooking--she should be making three hot meals a day for him apparently.

I've known a lot of teenage mothers due to a previous job, and there wasn't one family where the mother did 100% of the childcare. Some helped out because they wanted to, some didn't do anything, but the "left raising the baby" thing has always been nonsense, in my experience, unless drugs are involved.

OP's mother wasn't wrong to encourage her to have an abortion, however she was wrong to bully her daughter and lie to her that it was her only option. If OP had wanted to keep the baby, there would have been help out there, and her parents should have made sure she had all the information and knowledge possible in order to make an informed choice. If they had done this, chances are OP would have chosen to terminate anyway, as the example a PP gave of their cousin in a similar position - who now does not blame her mother. But they coerced her because they wanted their own way, and OP's misery is now the result. 17 years ago there was help and support out there, and OP should have had the facts.

I'm a firm believer in informed choice, even when it turns out to be the wrong choice, it is still so much easier to forgive oneself and others and move forward.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2019 19:45

What is wrong, is to coerce someone into a medical procedure, which is what the OP says happened here
The OP perceives is as coercion because she is currently wanting a child and is clearly (and understandably finding the current situation difficult).

But from the thread what we see is that:

  • OP feels she was forced into an abortion
  • Her boyfriend made his position clear (and sounds like a waste of space)
  • her mother rightly made is clear she would not be financially providing for the baby
  • her mother posed reasonable questions regarding what would the OP do as a 17 year old who has left her boyfriend's place, doesn't work and was in full time education when a baby needs to be provided for
  • there was a wait between booking the abortion and the abortion
  • boyfriend and mother took her to the clinic
  • the OP consented to the medical procedure
  • her boyfriend and grandmother were arseholes after

The OP is blaming her mother for not informing her of the support that could have been available and for saying there wasn't any (which may well be true given that services vary in different areas so OP may well have had very little in the way of financial support to raise a child). Ultimately if someone is enough of a responsible adult to decide to keep a pregnancy and raise a child then it's for them to have done the relevant research.

It is a horrible situation for the OP, but it doesn't sound like she was coerced. It sounds like the people in her life pointed out the limits of their support and she made her decision based on that and her own lack of research into wider support.

Makegoodchoices · 29/12/2019 19:47

It’s so hard - the key thing here is getting the endometriosis and fibroids dealt with as best you can. I’d advise counselling as well if you can, you’ve got a lot to work through here. Your mum might not be a nice person, but you can’t hold her responsible for infertility.

I have endo and haven’t used any birth control for the last 15 yrs. It’s a horrible, unfair disease. Good luck with it all and look after yourself.

Tombliwho · 29/12/2019 19:47

Coulda woulda shoulda isn't helping you now and it won't change anything in the past. It sounds like it was a horrible environment to bring a baby into, you were very young and seemingly a naive 17, your boyfriend was a waste of space and you didn't have the support of family. Taking off the rose tinted glasses, bringing a baby into that would have been horrendous. Don't talk yourself into believing you would have been given all of the support under the sun and lived in blissful happiness with a baby.
You need professional help to work through your decision. I know you say it wasn't a decision but I think its unhelpful to try to distance yourself from it in this way. You were all part of that process and you need to find a way to move forward.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 19:48

Realistically though, you had no money, no own home and obviously weren’t old enough to go it alone or you would have. What sort of life would the child have had? Your mum could see the bigger picture.

But come on, this is not a fair way to look at it.

It is exceptionally cruel and stupid to think that, in this situation, making the decision to 'go it alone' is a simple and obvious one. It's not.

Yes, perhaps the OP could have walked out. She's clearly torturing herself with the wish she had done that.

Or, perhaps, she wasn't remotely capable of that, and would never have managed to cope with a child aged 17.

But none of this changes the fact that, when she needed her mother, her mother failed her. Not because she couldn't support a pregnant daughter, and not because she thought abortion was the best option. But because she coerced her daughter.

Saying 'what sort of life would the child have had' is really unpleasant IMO - it's making the OP feel doubly bad, because you're implying (without knowing) that she would be a bad mother. We don't know that.

FWIW, I suspect aged 17 or 18 I would have been a rubbish mother. It's statistically quite likely I'd have struggled with it financially if not emotionally and mentally. But that doesn't mean I appreciated having the choice taken away from me, and at the end of the day none of us can know.

It seems to me that a big part of what the OP is mourning is not just the pregnancy she didn't carry to term, but the possibilities she'll never know about. Now that she is worrying that she may never have a biological child, it is natural she would be feeling especially sad that she never got to know whether or not she'd have been a good mother. Telling her unequivocally that she'd have been bad is just ... cruel.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 19:49

@LolaSmiles, that's not what the OP says happened.

She says she was coerced - she repeated it when someone else questioned.

I think you've misunderstood something somewhere along the line.

Muckyboots1 · 29/12/2019 19:54

@LolaSmiles, if OP says she felt coerced then it's poor form to doubt that. You don't get to pick through her retelling and decide if she was or not. If she says she was, then she was. I wouldn't like to think you'd apply the same analysis to a rape or DV victim.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 19:58

She says

it wasn’t my decision though. That was taken away from me

My mum didn’t advise me to have a termination thought though, she forced me. She gave me no choice.

her and my boyfriend at the time frog-marched me to the hospital that morning.

I had to consent, I had no choice

Those are quotations from several posts as she clarifies. I see how, initially, you could read her as saying that she felt coerced by the fact her mother didn't talk to her about potential sources of outside support, but she does then go on to be more specific about what happened and she clarifies that they actually physically forced her to attend the hospital.

I'll say again that I find this completely plausible, and it is quite close to my experience, which must have been pretty much at the same time, as I am about the same age as the OP and had an abortion at almost the age she was when she had one.

I remember my mother lashing out at me in the car on the drive to the hospital, hitting me in the mouth, and yelling at me. I was really frightened.

Pilot12 · 29/12/2019 20:01

Have you spoken to a fertility specialist to find out what your options are for getting pregnant. My sister had similar health issues and was offered IVF. I believe you are entitled to one free go up to a certain age on the NHS. If you don't have a partner could you go it alone using donor sperm? You might feel more positive if you know what your options are.

Mlou32 · 29/12/2019 20:12

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I'm going through a similar situation; conceived when I was 22, wasn't in a place financially or emotionally to have a baby and had a termination. Fast forward to now 37 years old, TTC for 2 years and it turns out I have endometriosis. I'm booked in for a laparoscopy to deal with the endo and a hysteroscopy to deal with uterine polyps.

What practical steps have been taken to help you conceive? Have you had a laparoscopy? Has IVF been looked into?

Babynamechangerr · 29/12/2019 20:16

Ultimately your mum was not a good parent -

  • why on earth were you cohabiting with someone when you were only 17,that is not normal
  • whether the abortion was the right thing to do or not, you should have been emotionally supported by your family and your grandmother's reaction was unforgivable.
  • whilst many parents in this situation would believe that abortion was the right decision, they shouldn't lie to their child about what the options are.

In your mother's shoes I'd be very upset if a daughter of mine got pregnant at this age, but primarily I would support her decision either way.

stilldoesntknowwhatshappening · 29/12/2019 20:21

It was not her mother's responsibility to source the correct information. That's the sticking point. A 17 year old acted like a 17 year old.

SandyY2K · 29/12/2019 20:22

I'd do the same if my 17 yo got pregnant, with no money, no means of supporting herself and a father who wasn't interested in the baby.

Having the baby would have impacted on her (as well as you) financially and emotionally.

What would have happened to your education?

I don't think it's fair to blame her... you weren't in any position to have a child, but I understand the regret you feel right now.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2019 20:28

@LolaSmiles, if OP says she felt coerced then it's poor form to doubt that. You don't get to pick through her retelling and decide if she was or not. If she says she was, then she was. I wouldn't like to think you'd apply the same analysis to a rape or DV victim.
I'm not doubting how she felt.
I said specifically that she felt forced.

What I am saying is that how we feel is sometimes different to an objective recalling of events.

She's not wrong in how she feels, but as many people have said on this thread pointing out lack of financial support isn't coercing someone into an abortion, equally raising questions about how a 17 year will provide for a baby when they have no income etc isn't coersion if the 17 year old concludes that they haven't the means to provide.

This isn't about DV or rape

Sarah
The OP had to sign the medical consent. The OP had time to research what support was available and to tell her mother and her boyfriend she'd be going it alone.

I'm not excusing any awful behaviour on the part of the family, but I'm not sure how helpful it is to frame the whole situation of fertility issues later through the lens of "I wanted a baby at 17, everyone ruined that for me because I didn't know what wider support there was etc". Anyone who is adult enough to want to raise a baby is adult enough to do relevant research and make the decision to raise the baby on the resources they have established. Part of processing the whole situation is reflecting on everyone's actions m

It's why I think the OP would benefit from seeing a counsellor to process what sounds like an awful couple of situations.

LolaSmiles · 29/12/2019 20:29

whether the abortion was the right thing to do or not, you should have been emotionally supported by your family and your grandmother's reaction was unforgivable.
I agree. It was a disgusting response.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 20:44

It was not her mother's responsibility to source the correct information. That's the sticking point.

But it isn't.

Yes, ok, if the OP were a pregnant 17 year old posting here for advice, that might be important. We might want to point out, gently, that as a parent she would need to learn to be more proactive and that it doesn't bode well for her ability to parent that she hasn't felt able to get this information for herself.

But she isn't a pregnant 17 year old. And it can simultaneously be the case that she wasn't ready to be a mother at 17, and that her mother should not have coerced her into an abortion.

Brittany2019 · 29/12/2019 20:45

I don't disagree with your Mum either, OP, sorry. I don't think at 17 you were mature enough to make that decision for yourself. Some 17-year-olds might have been, but I wasn't, and i dont think you were either.
I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through now, but i don't think blaming your mother is going to make things any better for you.

SarahAndQuack · 29/12/2019 20:49

Cross post.

But, @LolaSmiles, I don't think she has framed it as "I wanted a baby at 17, everyone ruined that for me because I didn't know what wider support there was etc". I think you've framed it that way. I understand how you might have read her early post in that light, but as I said, she has returned to clarify that. It is quite clear from what she says that this was just one aspect of the situation that upset her, and that there was also physical force.

I think you are being very naive if you think that no one ever signs a consent form under coercion. Can you explain a little how you think this works?

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