To be resentful to her for my infertility

[TotallyDoneWithThis]

When I was 17 I fell pregnant with a long term boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t very nice and along with my mother they pretty much forced me to have a termination. Terrified and bewildered, my boyfriend told me if I kept the baby I would not be supported and wouldn’t get no money from him and would be kicked out of the flat we shared. I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn? Being just a child myself I had no idea of the help I would’ve been able to access. I had to wait a while for the termination and spent days dreaming of what it would be like to run away and have my baby and knowing there was a life growing inside of me, I formed a bond. Anyway, despite me pleading to be able to keep the baby and that it would all work out, I was marched to hospital for a termination.

Since then many years have passed and I’m now in my mid thirties. I have had a long term relationship which lasted ten years. Unfortunately it ended last year. During that time we tried for a baby for 8 long years but nothing happened. I have also had unprotected sex with another partner which I didn’t get pregnant.

As I wasn’t able to conceive and due to other issues, I’ve been back and forth to the hospital and they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks. Obviously this is messing with my mental health as I want nothing more than to have a baby but the resentment I feel towards my mother for making me give up my dream, probably my one chance to be a parent is really soul destroying.shes always been difficult and very self centred, selfish, everything revolves around her but now I just don’t want anything to do with her. I begged her for me to be able keep my baby. I also blame the boyfriend but I haven’t seen him for 17 years.

I was 19 when ds was born, I can't imagine life without him.

Yanbu. It should have been your choice.

OP, having a baby is hard. So much harder than I imagined that it would be. I'm sure that most would agree. It was hard enough having one in my thirties, with a husband/, partner of 12 years, a house, all my finances in order, an education behind me and lots of support from friends and family. It would be very easy and tempting to imagine yourself right now as that 17 year old again (but with a more sensible grown up 30+ head on her shoulders), cradling that beautiful baby. However, you have to disentangle yourself now from the 17 year old child that you were back then. It would have been tougher than you could have imagined (assuming that everything went well and you carried to full term, which might not have happened). What if you failed to cope and your family failed to step in? You would have become isolated from friends, been robbed of your teenage years, struggled to get back into education and may even have had to give up the baby. Your mother loved you and did what she thought was best. None of you knew how things would have turned out. Regardless, it wasn't solely her decision. Is fertility treatment an option for you at all (regardless of being single)? I would encourage counselling either way.

Being pressured into an abortion isn't a mistake, no. Having sex with a man at 17 and subsequently becoming pregnant when you don't want to be is a mistake though. Living with a man at 17 is a mistake in my book. Living with a man, becoming pregnant by him and not being able to support yourself through that pregnancy...what would you call that? An ideal situation? An outcome that nobody could possibly have predicted?

If the op's bf had marched her to the clinic (while she was hormonal, scared and vulnerable), maybe shouting and manhandling her, telling her that her life would be nothing without him to support her, would that be okay?

do you remember 2002?! Nobody I know had a laptop, tablets weren't a thing, smart phones weren't a thing - you'd have had to take yourself off to an Internet cafe or the library

Common...this was just 2002. I had a PC at home, we had internet. I remember chatting to ppl all over the world on MSN in chatrooms.

Like I said, I had a baby that year I was looking up baby names on it.

I remember a few years earlier, getting the readings we wanted at our wedding online.

Other ppl I knew had home PCs, sonit was no big deal. A smartphone, laptop or tablet are not the only way to get online.

Even if this wasn't available, libraries were around to do research... family planning clinics could give advice...the GP was also an option.

To make out that a 17 year old was unable to access this information is really not correct.

OP, you are only 34. You've still got time to try. You say unprotected sex hasn't resulted in a pregnancy - have you ever seen a fertility doctor?

I agree with the PP who said if you didn't know what help might be available, it doesn't sound like you were in a position to take care of a child.

Also, I'm a year or so younger than you and I definitely knew that teenage mothers got council flats and benefits, as everyone was constantly slagging them off!

I imagine you are angry at your mum for not supporting you in having the child, letting you live with her, helping yu with night feeds and buying the baby things. Without that support having a baby at 17 would be awful. But your mum wasn't obligated to offer that support, it washer right to say: if you have this baby you can't live with me.

A decent mum would have given her support.

By taking on the financial burden of a baby?

By having sleepless nights all over again?

This support would seriously impact on the mum...why should she take on that burden?

I have DD19 and DD17, I've told them both years ago, that I've done my days of having a baby in this house...I've talked about how the girl is left holding the baby and how her life is one hell of a struggle compared to the father, who can just swan off.

I was married, late 20s, had a job, and had our house on a mortgage and I had supportive parents...yet it was still hard being a mum.

Sometimes in life you have to accept the consequences of your mistakes, without blaming others...because that just won't help in the long run.

@Brittany2019, yes, I agree, getting pregnant at 17, with a man who obviously wasn't nice, is either a mistake or the fall-out from some pretty shit parenting.

And yes, the OP could of course spend her life breast-beating and thinking what an awful person she is.

But what does that do to help?

I do see the case for taking responsibility for actions in a lot of situations. But you seem to think that if the OP only thought harder about her own faults, she'd totally forget that her mother was a bad mother, and she'd be fine again.

I just think that is naive.

Likewise, the poster who says the OP's mum loved her and did what she thought best - I'm sorry, but we don't know that!

I know it's a very sad thought that there are crap parents out there. I know it's terrible to imagine that some mums are not actually the perfect, loving, occasionally fallible but generally wise matriarchs we all like to imagine. But this is the case. I think it's pretty clear the OP got a rough ride. I think she ought to be able to acknowledge that, without being told to do fourteen Hail Marys for her premarital sex instead.

I'd like to say I'm suprised at some of the disgusting views on this thread, but sadly I'm not. Like I said, I worked with teenage mothers.

Pregnant teenage girls are the last group of people for whom it is still acceptable to deny them choice and bodily autonomy. Little hussies eh.

So, what treatment (if any) have you have for your infertility? Perhaps it would be useful to outline it and say what you have tried/researched etc (you could do this on chat, rather than aibu). That way others may be able to advise you and see if there is a way forward at all. I've had several friends told that they were 'infertile' and had failed IVF, only for them to conceive naturally. I wouldn't just accept the outcome unless you've sought out several opinions/assessments. In the meanwhile you certainly need counseling to deal with your anger/grief. Your physical health will suffer too unless you resolve some sort of these issues.

Pregnant teenage girls are the last group of people for whom it is still acceptable to deny them choice and bodily autonomy. Little hussies eh.

I don't think anyone is saying that. Of course forcing somene to have an abortion isn't OK.

But saying you won't give support to a teenager to have a baby, won't do the sleepless nights/pay for it/ let them live with you and telling them you think they should have an abortion is acceptable. Not the kindest thing, but not unreasonable. If a teenager feels that without this support that they have to have an abortion because the alternative is unacceptable to them, then that is their choice.

Teenage pregnancy is the outcome of teenagers bodies maturing before their minds. I could never have looked after a baby as a teenager, I would have ended up leaving my parents to sort it out, I know I would. I struggled with having my two in my 30s!

I think when such a young person is pregnant, there isn't an easy answer either way. OP needs to make peace with what has happened, and the choices she has made. I don't think she was wrong to make them, and I think some councilling would really help her.

Sarah
I'm saying that it's important for the OP to recognise the immaturity of a 17 year old in processing the situation.

I'm also saying that sometimes our lenses through which we view things change over time and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

Not once have I suggested the OP lies to herself, nor have I said the family were supportive (in fact I've specifically said otherwise). What I'm suggesting is the OP seeks counseling regarding both situations and part of that will involve reflecting on whether feeling abortion is your only viable option as a 17 year old who couldn't provide (with family who have pointed this out) is automatically the same as coercion. Part of the counseling will involve exploring how far current struggles reframe upsetting events from the past etc.
Counseling for difficult issues and emotions involves unpacking difficult emotions and reflecting in order to move forward.

As in many emotional situations, none of us can say either way but it is more helpful to advocate talking and reflecting with an appropriate person than it is to take the approach of affirmation online that may discourage someone seeking useful support because they've had the confirmation and validation they may be seeking online.

But why is it important for her to recognise the immaturity of a 17 year old?

At my reading, she hasn't once implied she doesn't recognise this - in fact, she quite explicitly acknowledges, at one point, that she was still a child.

I do recognise you've said her family weren't supportive. However, you clearly are implying she is lying to herself. You keep saying she needs to recognise that abortion may have been her best option, or her only option. You've now said she needs counselling to tell her this wasn't coercion.

So, patently, you think she is being untruthful when she says she was coerced. You don't believe her. You think she is lying, if not directly to us, then to herself.

Don't you?

And btw, I think counselling sounds a good idea too. But I fail to see why you think that telling her she's lying or mistaken about her experience would make her feel more likely to get counselling. It seems to me most likely that approach will teach her to repress her feelings and feed her own sense of failure and insecurity. Rather than getting help, she's likely to imagine no one will listen or believe her when she tries to say how she feels, because that will have been her experience here.

Your mum could not possibly have known you would have problems. As pp said, if a 17 year old of mine fell pregnant I would suggest termination.

Hi OP. Didn't want to read and run.

I have endo too and had counselling for my fear of fertility issues as it took us a long time to conceive. In honesty I spent the first session balling my eyes out, and came out snotty and red faced. But those counselling sessions changed my outlook on life and I'm pretty sure steered me away from possible depression.

If it gives you any sense of hope, I ended up falling pregnant but I did need help from the doctor. I know it can be different for different people.

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry you feel this way and have had to carry this.

I do recognise you've said her family weren't supportive. However, you clearly are implying she is lying to herself. You keep saying she needs to recognise that abortion may have been her best option, or her only option. You've now said she needs counselling to tell her this wasn't coercion.

So, patently, you think she is being untruthful when she says she was coerced. You don't believe her. You think she is lying, if not directly to us, then to herself.
I'm not saying she was or wasn't coerced.

I'm saying that when seeking counselling or to make sense of the current situation and how it appears to have brought back feelings from an earlier pregnancy then it's worth being open to the fact that being presented with options showing that with no wider support and no job an abortion may well have seemed the only option is not automatically the same as coercion.

Being open to the idea that our life experiences can frame how we view and review previous experiences isn't saying someobe us lying. It's saying that when we hurt in situations we can sometimes transfer emotions and view things differently and through different lenses. Current feelings are totally valid and real, but they aren't always reliable for objectively recalling the past. Being closed off to that option seems foolish to me if the focus is on healing and moving forward.

Being closed to anything other than "agree unconditionally with what I say right now is the objective truth" when supporting emotional situations may feel good superficially but not support the difficult emotional reflection such situations often involve.

I think forcing a woman to abort is deplorable. There have been threads where an OP's daughter found herself pregnant and almost all comments were along the lines of :"You have to support her OP, whatever she decides".

Actually, there was a thread recently when someone's DSD was pregnant and the OP's husband wanted her to abort. Most people agreed he was abusive; most posters on here are ignoring what coercive control and emotional abuse is like.

You have to seek counselling, to help you healing.

SarahAndQuack - From the things the OP has said, it seems she felt as though she had no choice to terminate, as her boyfriend and mother were unsupportive and took her to her appointments. She wasn't forced to, she could have chosen to say she didn't want the abortion. But the reality was that things would have been very difficult, and I think in the same situation I, and many people, would make the same choice OP did.

The OP is perhaps remembering things in a certain light, t try and make sense of the fact that she had an abortion and now she wants a baby very much, and how can those things be reconciled. The minds first defence is often to blame others - my mum made me do it, it wasn't me, etc.

Reality is often complex and subtle. I imagine OPs mum was ding what she thought was best, even if it didn't turn out well. It's rarely a case of 'bad guy vs victim'

Why are you so certain it was a forced abortion?

I don’t think your mum is in the wrong to say she wasn’t prepared to support you in that position, my mum said something similar to me and I do not blame her for it. I also don’t think it’s your mother’s responsibility to point you in the direction of resources to help you. If you are able to live with your boyfriend and provide yourself with contraception, you’re able to find out about the resources available to you.

I think your mother was wrong to coerce you into having a termination, when you didn’t want one. That decision should have been up to you but you needed to accept that there was no support from your mother or your boyfriend and you’d be doing it alone. Offering no support is not the same as coercion, even if you felt you had no choice.

Abortions do not cause fibroids and endo. You cannot blame your mother for your fertility issues now. She had no cause for that. That would have happened whether you’d never gotten pregnant or had the baby. You could have also had those problems, in an earlier stage, at that point in your life which could have caused to miscarry anyway. It’s an unknown what would have actually happened with that pregnancy.

You are also viewing your life through the distortion of the past and rose tinted glasses. So from your mid-twenties you’ve desperately wanted to become a mother but haven’t been able to. You’ve formed an idea of how good of a mother you would be, which is based on your mid-twenty and early-thirty year old self. Not your teen self. You have said yourself, your teen self was not in a position to have a baby. So you could have well been posting that you wished you had listen to your mother and had the termination because your life has been far from what you imagined. That you don’t feel you have been able to give your child the life you wanted and feel life has been harder than it needed to be. Unfortunately, we can always imagine the other scenario when we are given a big decision and it’s usually very rosy but our imaginings aren’t always the reality. It’s also likely that you will have wanted to still conceive in your previous relationship. You will have still suffered with infertility. Having a baby at 18 wouldn’t have prevented those issues being present later in life. It would have been a different struggle because you would have had a child but you would still desperately want another with the man you were in love and not the waste of space from 17 years ago.

You’re hurting and looking for someone to blame rather than accepting that your infertility has happened to you without rhyme or reason. You have something hugely unfair happening to you but there is nobody to blame for it, no matter how much you want there to be. Blaming someone for your infertility isn’t going to give you the ability to conceive. It sucks and it’s unfair. The abortion and your current infertility are two different issues but both are something you need to discuss with a professional. Good luck OP.

@AlexanderHalexander - well, because she says so?

The OP does not say her mum 'took' her to an appointment. I grant this would read very differently if she had said that.

She says they 'frog-marched' her. That is, they used physical force.

I am really confused as to how you think that isn't coercion?

I can only conclude you either don't believe her, or you think she is making things up/using hyperbole to support her case.

If that's what you are doing, ok, fine - but shouldn't you admit to it?

And she does say, explicitly, that she was forced to do it.

I don't know where people are getting the idea that she wasn't forced, or that she had a choice, when she says this wasn't the case.

I feel very uncomfortable with the presumption on this thread that posters know better than the OP what happened to her. I can't presume to know. I can only know what she says. And she says she was forced. She says she didn't have a choice.

There were choices. Again not nice ones. But they were there.

Sorry, @LolaSmiles, I missed your earlier post.

You say it's worth being open to the fact that being presented with options showing that with no wider support and no job an abortion may well have seemed the only option is not automatically the same as coercion.

Why is it worth this?

I can see that, if the OP were in this situation, it might have been worthwhile to bear it in mind. But, given the situation you describe is very different from the one she describes, what is she to gain from imagining herself into a situation that never happened to her?

She says she was forced into this abortion. She says she was physically forced to the hospital. Don't you think it might be useful for her to think about her own situation, rather than an imaginary one you've made up?