To be resentful to her for my infertility

[TotallyDoneWithThis]

When I was 17 I fell pregnant with a long term boyfriend. My boyfriend wasn’t very nice and along with my mother they pretty much forced me to have a termination. Terrified and bewildered, my boyfriend told me if I kept the baby I would not be supported and wouldn’t get no money from him and would be kicked out of the flat we shared. I turned to my family and they (especially my mother) also said I wouldn’t be supported by them, there was no way I could keep the baby and what would I do homeless and jobless (I was in FT education) with a newborn? Being just a child myself I had no idea of the help I would’ve been able to access. I had to wait a while for the termination and spent days dreaming of what it would be like to run away and have my baby and knowing there was a life growing inside of me, I formed a bond. Anyway, despite me pleading to be able to keep the baby and that it would all work out, I was marched to hospital for a termination.

Since then many years have passed and I’m now in my mid thirties. I have had a long term relationship which lasted ten years. Unfortunately it ended last year. During that time we tried for a baby for 8 long years but nothing happened. I have also had unprotected sex with another partner which I didn’t get pregnant.

As I wasn’t able to conceive and due to other issues, I’ve been back and forth to the hospital and they have found out I have endometriosis, loads of fibroids and basically my uterus is fucked in the way it looks. Obviously this is messing with my mental health as I want nothing more than to have a baby but the resentment I feel towards my mother for making me give up my dream, probably my one chance to be a parent is really soul destroying.shes always been difficult and very self centred, selfish, everything revolves around her but now I just don’t want anything to do with her. I begged her for me to be able keep my baby. I also blame the boyfriend but I haven’t seen him for 17 years.

I don't want a newborn in my house at my age...because I'd be forced to look after the baby.

I'd feel I had to give my DD a break from the baby, but I have my own life to live... I don't want the responsibility of a baby.

So if my DD wanted to keep it, then it would be in her own house and besides buying my grandchild what I wanted to...I wouldn't feel obligated to provide nappies and milk. Does nobody watch 16 and pregnant and see how those girls struggle, financially, mentally and emotionally...
And that's now, not 17 years ago.

I don't want that for my child or a life of poverty and struggles for my GC.

Btw - and I really am serious with this comparison, and please do excuse me if anyone thinks it's inappropriate - we know that a lot of young women whose children were forcibly adopted by the Catholic Church in the Magdalene laundries had signed consent forms. It is a well-known situation, where signed consent was knowingly coerced from young pregnant or recently-pregnant women.

I agree with @LolaSmiles - you need counselling Op to help you work through your current issues and what has gone on in the past. Blaming your mum is unfair and seems mid-directed anger from what you've posted.

I had almost the exact same experience. Forced/coerced into an abortion by my mother and my boyfriend's mother (with further support from my grandmother). My bf played video games while I bled heavily afterwards. I was told that I was stupid, pathetic, useless, an idiot to think I could raise a child, that no one would help me.

I'm 10 years older than you & there were also times where I couldn't conceive & was convinced it was because of the abortion, although I've since had it explained to me that unless it went obviously, terribly wrong at the time that there really is no correlation.

I've also had a lot of therapy over the last 10 years. I now have a lot of self-compassion for me back then who was terrified & believed what I was told. I'm not sure if I regret the termination (because if I hadn't lived this path I wouldn't be this person, had my amazing DD, etc) but I definitely regret not feeling like I had a choice. (My situation was also made worse when 6 months later my younger sister got pregnant & my mum threw a party & welcomed her grandchild with open arms!)

Yes therapy makes you face those 'nasty' emotions, but the emotions themselves aren't bad, it's the reaction to them that tortures us, mostly trying to keep them down when we actually need to process them and deal with them. You CAN control what you do now - you CAN get through this , you CAN get past this and you CAN get better. I'm not saying it's easy, but I am say it's worth it, that you're worth it.

I'm not sure I'll ever be able to completely forgive my mother for what she did, but I do forgive myself for not fighting more, for not doing something other than giving in and going along because I understand myself better & understand that I was angry at everyone else because I was so angry with myself because I believed them. Please reach out and get some help. You can self refer for CBT in places to get the ball rolling but I ended up doing EMDR and it was amazing. Wishing you peace.

You don’t have to stay in touch with your mother out of guilt or obligation. If you would feel more at peace without her in your life, maybe going no contact is the best way forward.

She shouldn’t have forced you into a decision you didn’t want, although empathise with her that it’s a decision many mothers would encourage in the circumstances you described. It sounds like you had nowhere to raise a child, a feckless boyfriend and you were really still a child yourself.

I fell pregnant when I was 16 and when I told my mom she said, “Having a baby is not the right thing got you” and they was it. She didn’t once ask me how I felt or what I wanted, she had made her decision and I just had to go along with it. So much of what you have said resonates with me.

It took me a very long time to come to terms with what has occurred, I would say about 15 years to be honest. I never blamed my mom though and instead turned the blame around on to me and I punished myself for not having had the courage to stand up to her. It took those 15 years to pass before I finally forgave myself.

The whole thing was just awful and I really empathise with you because the emotions that are caught up in being forced to have a termination are so painful and complex

@Brittany2019, do you remember 2002?! Nobody I know had a laptop, tablets weren't a thing, smart phones weren't a thing - you'd have had to take yourself off to an Internet cafe or the library. It's nowhere near as simple to access that information as it would be now.

@Brittany2019, yes, of course - and in the 1950s, I'm sure people would have been pointing out it wasn't the Victorian era and the OP could quite easily have decided to make her own way with a baby had she been mature enough.

What's your hope in posting this? To make the OP feel extra shite that she didn't or couldn't decide to have this baby? Or to make yourself feel extra good that you knew the internet existed in 2002?

@Brittany2019 having read your subsequent posts, you're just here to be a snide dick, aren't you? Nice. (Also, reported.)

A library wasn't simple?! When comparing bringing a child into the world.

The only people responsible for an unplanned pregnancy are the two people engaging in sex.

The OPs mother owed this pregnancy nothing.

Op had options. Hard and heartbreaking options. But they were there.

It must be easier to put the responsibility and blame on her mother rather than looking inwards.

That's why counselling is the only way forward.

I'm sorry op, that must have been very traumatic for you.

I think the best thing to do is have no or little contact with your mum while you work through this. I can only imagine it being hard if you cant share your fertility woes with a sympathetic mum and harder still if there are unresolved feelings around what you wanted at 17 vs the options that were presented to you. A counsellor can help you work through these powerful emotions.

As pps said, the past cannot be undone. Even if your mother were to acknowledge your hurt, and even if she were to want to make amends she can't give you the child desperately want, so I would draw up the bridge and protect your grieving space. Continue for as long as you want with fertility treatment. Keep an open heart and mind. Remember that you do have a degree of control now. Give yourself care and love.

@paintedfences Yes, i was 27 in 2002, so of course I remember it. People didn't have smartphones, but almost everyone had access to the internet. Dont be ridiculous.

Eeesh, she's said she was frog marched to have a termination that morning... We don't know if she drove, if she would have been given a lift, or bus fare or anything to get to the bloody library!

I agree counselling would help op, I agree it's not 100% necessarily her mothers fault, I am just objecting to a pp maliciously putting the boot in when someone is obviously in pain and having an awful time, and suggesting perhaps it's unfair to judge a scared 17 year old too harshly.

Sarah
If someone wasn't able to research their options at 17 and is still blaming others for their decision then it does suggest they weren't mature enough to provide and raise the child (which were issues raised at the time, which would have influenced the OP's decision as I can imagine being faced with a situation of almost no financial support to raise a child at 17 would be a contributing factor to deciding to terminate a pregnancy). . This isn't a case of shaming someone for having a child out of wedlock.

I'm not saying the family have been 100% supportive, quite the opposite (it was more than possible for the family to offer emotional support whilst making it clear they would not be financially supporting the child and in many respects they have fallen short).
I'm just saying that if the OP is to heal and resolve what are clearly two upsetting and unrelated situations then they have to be open to reflecting on their own actions with regards to their first pregnancy instead of blaming everyone else and transferring understandable upset and grief regarding her current situation into anger at her mother for a pregnancy at 17.

@SarahAndQuack No, to try and make the Op realise that she's a grown woman and that blaming her Mom is a bit ridiculous at this stage in her life. One can only move forward when one accepts one's own mistakes. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life, but i own them, i don't blame other people for them.

OP, it sounds like if you had had children, this wouldn't have been an issue i.e. you wouldn't be angry with your Mum. You are conflating two issues. Your Mum shouldn't have pressured you into having an abortion. But at 17 years old you really would have struggled to manage on your own with a baby, even if there was help available to you. It isn't your Mum's fault that you have struggled to conceive, it's just shitty, shitty luck. As PPs have said, please do get counselling, you need to process all your grief and anger. Wishing you the very best.

Tbh, I think my mum would have done the same and if my 17 year dd were pregnant, I’d offer it as a strong option. For some people, they wouldn’t cope with a baby at 17. Others would/have been fine, but I can see her POV. However, this has been festering for years, OP. Please get some counselling and get as much help as you can ASAP for this and for help with your fertility.

But, @LolaSmiles, why do you think anyone is disagreeing with you about the maturity of a 17 year old?

This is what I don't follow.

You seem to think that if we can prove the OP was immature, then it's ok that her mother coerced her into an abortion.

It isn't.

Frankly, I doubt most 17 year olds are mature enough to raise babies. Some of them make an excellent job of it. Others really struggle. But 17 is really young.

This doesn't have any bearing on whether or not it was ok for the OP's mum to coerce her into having an abortion, though. It is not more acceptable to do that if you think your child is immature.

I'm also confused as to why you believe that it would help the OP to heal if she were to convince herself that what her mother did was ok. In my experience, lying to yourself is rarely the way to mental health. The OP clearly does understand it was wrong that her mother did this. I don't think she should be pressurised to pretend she thinks it was acceptable parenting.

But, @Brittany2019, being pressured into an abortion isn't a 'mistake'.

You and others say that if the OP had been more mature, she might have resisted that pressure. I think that's a really problematic claim. We're not all equally capable of resisting coercion, and for a wide range of reasons.

I do not think it is healthy to encourage the OP to imagine everything that has happened in her life can be attributed to her own immaturity or weakness. That seems to be a really peculiar and unpleasant attitude.

Op's so called mother frog marched her into it. Whether or not it caused her infertility, this is unacceptable behaviour.

And bloody hell...at 17 many ate immature, however that dosn't mean op should have been forced into termination.A decent mum would have given her support.

Oh darling 😭 my heart has broken for you! I have no advice as I can't imagine how anyone would deal with all of this. All I can say is that you're allowed to feel angry, and hurt, and let down and unsupported! You were failed, by your mum, grandmother, boyfriend and his mother! If you're still in contact with your family I would stop it ASAP! They don't deserve you and you don't deserve to keep being reminded of all this chaos.

I know you've expressed your concerns about counselling, but it could help once you've gone no contact. You will break, but you will find yourself back together again!

Lots of love OP xx