Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Man in ladies toilets

140 replies

Beansprout30 · 28/12/2019 21:15

Twice now I have been in the ladies toilets and there has been a male in there. First time I walked in with my three year old daughter and there was a guy washing his hands just leaving. I just ignored him and carried on but felt very uncomfortable. Second time was yesterday, came out of the cubicle and a man and his female partner, plus young child (not a newborn baby) were changing child’s nappy. At the time I thought what the heck, mum obviously needs a hand, but now I think why didn’t they just use the single disabled/baby change toilet. Why did he need to come into the ladies?
Is this becoming normal?! And aibu to ask how you would have reacted to males being in the ladies public toilets?

OP posts:
Ness1234 · 29/12/2019 13:53

Be aware that men can now use any changing rooms at M&S.......

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 13:55

Should men also be outraged that their personal space has been invaded? Tes, actually, they have every right to make spaces, free from females.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 13:55

*yes

nowaypose · 29/12/2019 13:55

I tried to use the men’s loo in a bar once years ago when I was pissed and absolutely desperate for a piss. Someone grasses me in to security and I got kicked out. I was so desperate and the queue for the ladies was just ridiculous so I didn’t think twice about it, there was barely anyone in the men’s.

I think men’s loos are generally quieter so I don’t really understand why a man would feel the need to be in there. Changing a nappy is definitely not a two person job.

nowaypose · 29/12/2019 13:58

Oh and I really had no interest in staring at random men’s penises, not at all. I was drunk and about to pee myself, my focus was purely on having a piss.

flowersinaugust · 29/12/2019 13:59

I'm butch and honestly tired of women in public toilets being hostile. More than once I've had to deal with women who have assumed I'm a man and made me feel like some kind of freakish predator when I'm just trying to use the loo. And considering my experiences aren't uncommon among butch lesbians I'd imagine that it's not always obvious who the "men" are in toilets and challenging people to protect women's spaces just backfires and alienates gay butch women from facilities. So now when it comes to toilets I don't care what gender or sex other people in there are as long as they leave me alone and are being respectful. But honestly if a man wants to harass women in toilets I doubt a sign on a door is going to stop him.

MrsSpenserGregson · 29/12/2019 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 14:07

An awful lot of ‘butch’ women on here today, I’ve noticed. I’ve met plenty over the years, but have on occasion done a double take, but without exception can tell that she’s a woman within seconds. In my experience and my ‘butch’ looking friends and I have discussed this, in the past, the vast majority of women can spot when someone is simply a butch woman. Considering how many women have said that they’re too frightened to call out a man in a female space, it’s surprising that all these butch looking women have been harassed in toilets! Confused

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 14:09

But honestly if a man wants to harass women in toilets I doubt a sign on a door is going to stop him.

So we should just remove ALL safeguarding then? I should just let my vulnerable adult daughter share with all men, just because some have managed to hurt women in female spaces. Tuck that shit.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 14:09

*fuck that shit

GiveHerHellFromUs · 29/12/2019 14:10

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily they're the same people who've somehow experienced every situation someone ever posts about so can get their therapist hat on at least 17 times a day

DrCoconut · 29/12/2019 14:13

Honeybee it's not "that simple" at all. My 8 year old son is autistic and is not capable of meeting all his toileting needs alone. He is also not mature enough to use the gents alone. So, he comes with me. We use the disabled toilets if we can on the grounds that he has a disability but then you risk people assuming you're just queue jumping, being lazy etc because he's not visibly disabled. If there isn't a disabled toilet free then we go in the ladies. He does no harm to anyone, just goes in a cubicle and does what he's there for. So I can get judged for him using the ladies or judged for using the disabled. Or people could just quit judging? I can see this getting worse as he gets older and more of a man. There needs to be more awareness of invisible disabilities so people feel able to use disabled toilets if they need to. Same with changing rooms at swimming etc. Certainly grown men with no additional needs shouldn't be in ladies facilities.

T0tallyFuckedUpFamily · 29/12/2019 14:14

I am waiting for the first 6'4" TWAW player to win the Wimbledon women's championship in a little flirty skirt over massive muscly man thighs.

They’re going to need longer skirts. Wink

nowyoulistenheretaeme · 29/12/2019 14:18

And they’ll have to get used to tucking even more balls into their frilly drawers...

kristallen · 29/12/2019 14:29

An awful lot of ‘butch’ women on here today, I’ve noticed. I’ve met plenty over the years, but have on occasion done a double take, but without exception can tell that she’s a woman within seconds. In my experience and my ‘butch’ looking friends and I have discussed this, in the past, the vast majority of women can spot when someone is simply a butch woman. Considering how many women have said that they’re too frightened to call out a man in a female space, it’s surprising that all these butch looking women have been harassed in toilets!
I find it interesting (not doubting btw, and believe it must be pretty intimidating) how often butch women say they've been harassed in toilets and how many women who've spotted men in toilets haven't said a word. I'm wondering if the women who challenge a masculine looking woman subconsciously know not to be physically intimidated. So they're responding to what they perceive as masculinity in a way they would only feel safe doing to a woman.

I'd be interested if the women who challenged other women because they looked masculine would challenge a trans woman , someone who is very likely (almost 100%) to walk with the gait of a man who presents as masculine.

whatnow40 · 29/12/2019 14:57

@nowaypose "Changing a nappy is definitely not a two person job."

As explained, DN was 3 and didn't visit me often enough to be comfortable with me by himself and without his dad, let alone then allow me to take off a nappy he was not happy wearing in the first place.

I merely accompanied them so that DB didn't feel too awkward sat on the sofas in the ladies loo.

Miniloso · 29/12/2019 15:01

Christ. What age do we live in... i doubt very much young children can think ‘oh, that man might be a woman’ and feel safe. So all kids must be taught that if they see an adult man or indeed a woman in a toilet for their gender that’s ok?!?! Fuck me.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 29/12/2019 15:48

I’ve never seen in it but if I didi think I would say ‘this is the ladies, the gents is that way’.
I think young girls or teenagers would feel very intimidated. I wouldn’t like it at all.

HugoSpritz · 29/12/2019 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

56Marshmallow · 29/12/2019 16:26

YANBU.

At my child's swimming club a new child started. The Dad saw fit to take his SON into the girls changing room to assist with dressing after swimming.

My 10 year old daughter (on the cusp of puberty) felt very uncomfortable. To her, it was bad enough being naked in front of a 6 year old boy she didn't know, let alone the Dad!!!! My son was in the boys changing room.

I was so shocked at the time I didn't say anything and none of the other mother's batted an eyelid (but their kids were about 5 yrs old).

Afterwards, I complained to the club.

The Dad said that he didn't notice it was the girls changing room!!! (the boys changing door was a metre away from the girls and my son was in there changing).

His son was the only boy in the bloody room, how the fuck could he NOT have noticed!!!!!

flowersinaugust · 29/12/2019 16:30

@T0tallyFuckedUpFamily If a removal of all safeguarding was what you got from that then I clearly worded that more poorly than I thought. I'm a big supporter of women having their own spaces separate from men. I fully believe that there should be mens and ladies loos. But I also doubt a man is going to go to the effort of wearing makeup or dresses or whatever to use womens toilets just to hurt women and so I find it hard to believe trans women do all they do just to hurt others (although yes Im sure some are bad people and thats not okay). Its only a tangentially related point to the original post which is why I added it as a throwaway comment at the end.

Im sure there are many masculine women who are still obviously women. But I'm very very butch and frequently even men confuse me for male. It doesn't bother me what people call me until it comes to public toilets. I'd just pee in the mens and avoid the anxiety around knowing I sometimes make women uncomfortable being in the ladies but that would be invading mens spaces and I dont want to do that.

kittiesattack · 29/12/2019 17:04

I was in the female toilets a few weeks ago in Waterloo station and there was a man in there with his female partner and 6/7 yr old daughter. I thought he should at least look embarrassed

Vulpine · 29/12/2019 17:10

And mums who bring their older sons into female changing rooms - just don't.

LexMitior · 29/12/2019 17:25

Well I have experienced it in gay clubs. Also increasingly as LGBT events where there is nominally some transgender aspect to a man’s presence. Normally someone so obvious that they’d never pass - Forty something men dressing between Bet Lynch and Marks and Sparks latest collection seem to like to make a show of themselves adjusting make up in mirror etc

whatnow40 · 29/12/2019 17:51

It's interesting to debate how people feel about this when it's specifically an LGBT event. Because I normally would not want, and will object, to sharing the women's toilets with men. But at an event recently that was specifically for LGBT identifying people, I had to share the changing rooms and toilets with trans women. I did feel uncomfortable, but didn't feel like it was my right to complain. But I don't really understand why it's any different? Or perhaps I just felt that any complaints would not just fall on deaf ears but also get me banned for being transphobic.