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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why do thin people you’re close to feel the need to inform you that you’re a fatty?

136 replies

RebornFlame · 28/12/2019 20:29

Especially if you’re middle class. Double especially if you’re upper middle and all your family are tiny Angry.

I’m fat, upset and unreasonable. Please fuck off if you just want to pile on. Please give me chocolate and baileys (heaven forbid I bring the alcohol equivalent of Jeremy Kyle to my family’s big meet) if you’re another fatty navigating life with a thin, yoga and hiking obsessed family.

OP posts:
Confuddledtown · 29/12/2019 03:00

I dont think you can generalise thin people like that. Its just rude people. I'm naturally quite slim and I'm sick of people telling me to "eat a sandwhich" or that I must be miserable all the time because I dont eat Hmm Passing comment on anybody's weight is just plain rude, regardless of what their or your weight is. I dont think its specific to one size of people and it definitely not one sided. The only word to categorically group these people together is rude.

ProfessionalBoss · 29/12/2019 03:13

@RebornFlame well done for confronting the obnoxious person and standing up for yourself! Xmas Grin

Yeahnah2020 · 29/12/2019 03:18

@ShinyNewNameTimeAgain that is sick! But I’m not surprised at mother said the same to me. I’d recently got out of a terrible abusive relationship and was a wreck emotionally and so thin due to terrible fear and anxiety. She said “ I know you’re going through a hard time but you look amazing. Try to stay that slim if you can.” It’s fucking mental.

eaglejulesk · 29/12/2019 03:34

They are probably just very hungry. Being hungry all the time makes people tetchy and rude.

Love this Grin

Graphista · 29/12/2019 03:40

Being fat seems to be the last acceptable characteristic to be prejudiced about - and it shouldn’t be!

Not least because it’s been widely and repeatedly proven that “shaming” and otherwise negatively commenting on a persons weight does NOTHING to help them lose weight if they want/need to - it actually has the opposite effect!

I genuinely think over eating needs to be recognised as an eating disorder.

I’m overweight myself, thankfully no longer obese having lost some but could still stand to lose more but I was very very slim in the past so I’ve often had shocked comments from people who last saw me years ago when I actually struggled to put on weight!

Personally I believe there’s a genetic thyroid issue at play in my family - one side the women are all very slim extremely so to the point of struggling to gain/maintain a healthy weight...until we have dc! We don’t gain loads through pregnancy though, we stay on the slim side through pregnancy only gaining what one would expect and losing the weight immediately after giving birth pretty much, certainly by 6 months post partum we were all back to pre-pregnancy weight or even less!

Then around a year after the birth of the first child we start gaining - a lot! Despite not changing our eating habits initially.

Then we seem to start really craving carbs really badly and really pile the weight on.

I find it particularly galling though when friends/relatives who’ve ALWAYS been slim themselves and NEVER had to try and lose weight comment.

They have no idea what they’re talking about! And as such need to keep their traps shut!

I’ve lost a significant amount of weight via weight watchers but contrary to the idea many non weight losers seem to have it’s NOT as easy as “eat less move more” - there’s a lot of psychological stuff involved and I also noted that a lot of fellow members had various health issues that had started before they gained the weight that made it harder to maintain a healthy weight.

I really started to pile it on following a bad car accident which left me disabled, I couldn’t run any more which had been my preferred exercise prior I could barely walk in the first year after.

The people making digs to me have almost without exception been fit, healthy, able bodied people who’ve never had a days serious illness in their lives!

I’d actually love with a certain few of them who are especially lacking in understanding of what it’s like to live with chronic pain to do that thing certain equality groups etc do of having them spend even a day with eg gravel in their shoes or a few ping pong balls sewn into strategic places or using crutches so they might gain SOME understanding of how painful, tiring and limiting it is.

I wonder - you know they have those “empathy belly” pregnancy suits with the extra weight of pregnancy BUT ALSO weights, ball bearings etc sewn in to mimic the back pain, pressure on bladder etc?

They should make “empathy disability” suits for people to wear, i know they couldn’t mimic all disabilities but they could mimic some and it might go some way to addressing the lack of understanding.

Maybe “fat suits” for people too - because even “just” being overweight can affect mobility, energy, ability to breathe and function properly.

Sorry bit of a rant - but I’m sure you understand why.

@slippermaiden I’m vegetarian too - there are good and bad veggie diets just as there are good and bad Omni ones I was very slim when first veggie and regularly have people saying it was cos I wasn’t “eating properly” my then boyfriend who saw what and how much I ate and was an omni and a very sporty guy used to react in a jocular way “ha! Nope! She eats better and way more than me and I train 8 times a week and play most weeks”

I ran 2-3 times a week and Swam once a week at that point but I was a slow runner and swimmer certainly wasn’t burning off enough calories for what I was eating.

“I was always skinny til I had DS” I genuinely believe based on own family’s history, quite a few friends with similar stories and from loads of reading in the area that there’s a reaction that occurs in some women that triggers hypothyroidism around the time of giving birth which then goes undiagnosed for many years.

I forgot to mention that the women in my family and the friends I have discussed this with who had similar changes with weight (and other things) many have eventually been diagnosed with hypothyroidism but not until at least their 50’s - but this is despite reporting classic symptoms for up to decades!

I do have to balance all this by saying though that my relatives who haven’t had dc and are extremely slim despite eating plenty also have had horrible, thoughtless and even cruel comments made about their weight. One was even refused entry to the high adrenaline rides at a theme park as they assumed she was anorexic and therefore at risk of heart issues - she absolutely isn’t and they are not Drs so how the fuck dare they make such assumptions?!

@ReanimatedSGB I suspect you’re spot on with the misogyny aspect

“a fat person is considered less 'successful' than someone who is thin..” there’s a kind of “societal self fulfilling prophecy” going on with this though, numerous studies show that even with the same qualifications and experience fat job applicants are less likely to get a position than slim ones.

When I was young, blonde (dyed), and slim I could get jobs no bother. Since I gained weight and went back to my natural hair colour (redhead/brunette mix I have weird hair) I noticed I was finding it much harder! And not even always “customer facing” roles. I still had the same experience/qualifications and I know for a fact there were people got jobs I went for who were less qualified/experienced than me.

Well done op for standing up for yourself!

justilou1 · 29/12/2019 04:22

I have been a size 6 due to anorexia and illness, and have been a size 24 because I fucked up my thyroid and metabolism. (And was depressed and comfort ate all the shit.) I developed health problems and am now on a very rigid diet to deal with those (severe migraines) and I am now back to a size 8, which is healthy for my height. I am very short, so that is not skinny by any means. I haven’t lost my inner fat girl. My mother died three years ago and I can still hear that bitch’s voice in my ear every time I put food in my mouth. I realize that she has commented on everything she has seen me eat since my adolescence, which turned into sneaking of food, etc. No wonder I developed issues!!! I keep telling myself that they are her issues, not mine and I am only turning them out now! (Thank God I am not repeating the pattern with my kids!!!)

insideoutsider · 29/12/2019 05:40

In my home country, we comment on each other's weight all the time just like we'd comment on hair style, make up, nails, skin, etc. It's obvious and it's right there! The difference though is that it comes from a place of love and acceptance. So Christmas conversation on sight would go -
Me, tall and slim: Wow, check out that body! I want some of what you've been eating!
Cousin, short and fat: what? My new years resolution is to have your eating regimen!
Then we hug.
With weight, our comments are that what you look like is fab and we want it (even if we both don't)

It's such a big difference to me. I would never comment on someone's weight in the UK because of the negative obsession to it.

Nat6999 · 29/12/2019 06:19

My ex MIL was like this, constantly commenting on my weight, at one point after giving birth to ds & being critically ill I lost nearly 5 stone from my pregnancy weight in the space of a month, only 6lb was actual baby. I went from pre pregnancy size 20 to a size 12 & she was still commenting on my weight, saying things like I needed to lose another couple of stone & she even brought me a diet sheet round that was for rapid weight loss before heart surgery. At the time I was battling severe PND, my then husband was newly diagnosed with MS & I was a first time mum with a newborn. Ds no longer goes to visit as she now constantly comments about his weight, he is autistic & his brain doesn't tell him when he is full, she has never acknowledged the fact that he is autistic because she "doesn't believe in autism, children are just badly behaved" This comes from a woman who worked for years in a residential school for disabled children.

Fr0g · 29/12/2019 06:31

Family appear to think they have the right to comment on anything at all without any filter

and you have evert right to be NC if you dislike your family or their lack of manners

Lowhum · 29/12/2019 07:10

I don’t understand why anybody would ever find it acceptable to comment on somebody’s appearance unless they looked ill ( a suspicious mole, fungal infection etc).

Enjoy the rest of the Xmas holidays OP and focus on things that make you happy Flowers

PhoneLock · 29/12/2019 09:25

I don’t understand why anybody would ever find it acceptable to comment on somebody’s appearance unless they looked ill

My husband went to see his GP about something a few years ago and the first thing the doc said when he walked through the door was "You could do with losing a stone or two". I suspect that the doc was more concerned with DH's health than his appearance.

Vulpine · 29/12/2019 09:44

I would never comment on someones weight but being interested in Keeping fit and healthy is not 'obsessive'.

skidley · 29/12/2019 09:52

As a fatty myself, I only ever got fat comments from my mum, but that was as she was becoming I'll with dementia. I've honestly never had one person else, to my face, make a fat comment about me or to me . I've been very very thin, in my 30s. I would never think to make a comment to a fat person about what theyate/didn't eat or about health etc. Anyone who makes signs or jibes to fat people can fuck the fuck off. Ignore them OP. There is something pathetic about those people who always need to put other people down just so they can feel good about themselves

Neron · 29/12/2019 10:08

Maybe the comments come from lack of understanding, sometimes repulsion of why someone has let themselves get to that small/large size. Of course it doesn't make it right and is rude, but we have varying weights in our family and just some things I've heard.

FairytaleofButlins · 29/12/2019 10:14

I would never comment on someones weight but being interested in Keeping fit and healthy is not 'obsessive'.

so true

some people actually LIKE exercise and are aware that you need to eat sensibly - same with drink. It's the opposite of having an unhealthy relationship with food!

SunsetBoulevard3 · 29/12/2019 10:20

I find people often comment on their own weight around me. It happens all the time. ‘Oh I put weight on easily’ ‘I can’t eat that I am going with a friend to SW’ ‘I can’t stand it if I put on two pounds’. I think subconsciously they’re thinking about how I need to lose weight and it comes out like that.
I hate how obsessed everyone is about weight. Women, more specifically. I do need to lose weight but if that’s all anyone is thinking when they meet me it is very sad.

snapcrap · 29/12/2019 10:23

I'm 50 and 10lbs overweight. I've struggled with that 10lbs for 40 years since my mum put my on a diet at 10. I have never ever mentioned weight or size or diets to my dd who is now 17. And I do think she has a healthier attitude to body than I did, thank God.

I've wasted so many years thinking that half a stone would make me a a more worthy person. I mean what a crock of absolute shite!!

OP, hold your head up high and think to yourself 'I can change my body if I want to, you can't change being a bunch of twats'.

snapcrap · 29/12/2019 10:24

^Oh and my mum was obsessed with my weight and would mention it on the daily, still does. She's always been slim and always felt morbidly embarrassed about her huge size 12 daughter!!

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 29/12/2019 11:24

I used to work with a couple of very slim beautiful women who were such diet/exercise bores. I eat well and do loads of exercise myself but I developed a personal policy years ago of almost never talking about it, or my weight, as I realised I’m just so much happier that way.

Every day they would witter on about what they were going to eat that night or how it was ok for them to have some cake because they would work it off in the gym later. I’d just smile and nod politely, and I think it broke their brains because as a bigger woman than them, I should be rights be joining in with the self-flagellation and they couldn’t understand why I wasn’t vocally trying to lose weight or beat myself up for having ‘naughty’ food when it was on offer.

I remember one day one of them asked me what I was doing that evening so I mentioned going to spin class. She looked surprised and then proceeded to give me this sort of ‘good for you!’ pep talk as if she assumed it was my first time and I was finally going to join in with the weight loss train. She was disappointed when I told her I’d been going for ten years Grin the idea of a not-totally-thin woman doing exercise because she enjoys it seemed to be totally alien to her!

SunsetBoulevard3 · 29/12/2019 11:42

Yes. I walk for an hour most days. I don’t eat cake or snack. I don’t like unhealthy food.. Yet the assumption is your must stuff your face and lie around all day. ‘ Not true. My mother wouldn’t believe me when I told her I cycle around a local estate. She clearly couldn’t believe you can be overweight if you cycle.

Areyoufree · 29/12/2019 11:52

Having been on both sides, as I guess many of us have, it's definitely down to the person. I was me when I weighed 17 stone 2lbs. I was me when I got down to 9 stone 9lbs. People did treat me differently, better, when I was thin. Honestly though, that makes me judge them. My worth isn't in my body size. My worth is in me as a woman, a person.

Agree with this.

Orangeblossom78 · 29/12/2019 12:12

Ah, Christmas does seem to bring it out!

This one I have tried my best to ignore it and smile to comments such as - "You don't have to eat all of it" on being given Christmas dinner.

MIL saying oh just a tiny bit, not as much as (previous portion) - (pudding) etc etc, in fact that one brought a laugh from the whole table to be honest!

Any comment on how virtuous they are about e.g. 'we will need to not eat now for the rest of the day / need to go for a massive walk tomorrow' etc met with 'good for you' etc

It can get wearing though.

Orangeblossom78 · 29/12/2019 12:13

I remember one day one of them asked me what I was doing that evening so I mentioned going to spin class. She looked surprised and then proceeded to give me this sort of ‘good for you!’ pep talk as if she assumed it was my first time and I was finally going to join in with the weight loss train. She was disappointed when I told her I’d been going for ten years grin the idea of a not-totally-thin woman doing exercise because she enjoys it seemed to be totally alien to her!

Yes I have had this also. Like it is not possible to do it for fun, it has to be an obsessive weight loss thing

makingmyway10 · 29/12/2019 12:22

It is a very painful part of my life that my family spent all my teenage and young adult years telling me how fat I was. It dominated my life. Even on my wedding day comments were made. It has taken me until my forties to realise that it is them not me! I am happily married have two beautiful almost grown up children, a degree, a job I love, friends and a happy life. My weight is irrelevant and frankly no one else's business. I am no contact with my family for many reasons but this is one of them. I refuse to let my self worth depend on somebody else's values. I am a happy well adjusted person despite my family not because of them Smile

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 29/12/2019 12:25

My stepmother is funny. I adore her but she just can’t help herself when it comes to weight/food. She’s a little overweight herself and seems to make herself feel better by commenting on other people’s weight and food choices in a way that I find hilarious.

For example, after happily tucking into the quality street all morning she’ll watch my very slim healthy SIL helping herself to a large serving of carrots with Christmas dinner, and start sagely explaining how carrots have lots of sugar in, you know Grin

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