To just now be done with MIL
PinkyU · 28/12/2019 19:01
Spent yesterday with mil for Christmas, in the mayhem our 3 DD’s were given their gifts. I did my best trying to take pictures of them opening their gifts but with 3 it’s hard and I missed a lot of eldest dd (18 years old and not OH’s biological child but has raised her for the last 14 years) opening her’s, which also included birthday gifts which hadn’t been given from October.
Today dd1 and I are looking through her gifts, which were all clothing, shoes and a handbag. Literally every article of clothing mil has given dd1 is 3-4 sizes too big (dd1 is a size 6, the clothes are size 12/14)and is all summer dresses and a school pinafore so not current stock to return, the shoes are a size too small and the handbag is such a bad fake that the emblem is about 2cm off centre and has glue marks all over it.
DD’s 2&3 (both oh biologically) were gifted expensive new (weather appropriate)clothing, coats and shoes, pyjamas, toys, sweets and chocolates. There is an age gap so I can appreciate that there will be a disparity in the amount of gifts.
From the size, style and season of clothing I suspect that mil has just stuffed a bunch of her own clothing and shoes from her recent holiday into a gift bag for dd1 and so hasn’t even gone to the effort of looking for and buying her gifts.
This has been a common theme to one degree or another for years. I have raised it with oh and mil previously and it improves the following year but then resumes.
I’ve now had enough and just want to be done with her and her obvious favouritism, she’s never going to change and I’ve given her enough chances. I think if she can’t treat my children with equal care and respect then she can’t see any of them.
Oh will not support this and it will cause issues but Aibu to say “tough, my children’s feelings and mental well-being comes first” even with the fallout this will cause?
Am I being unreasonable?AIBU
You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.
PinkyU · 28/12/2019 19:06
Honestly Tink he just wants a quiet life, doesn’t deal very well with confrontation and likes to stick his head in the sand about large issues.
I’ve made my piece with this personality flaw, god knows I’ve got my own that he accepts, but this issues impacts my dc, that is not something I will tolerate or negotiate on any more.
NomNomNomNom · 28/12/2019 19:06
What does DH say? Obviously it's his mum so you can't unilaterally decide to cut contact off. I do think you're right to stick up for your oldest DD but if the youngest are 2 and 3 I guess there really isn't any comparison. The 2 and 3 year olds won't care about new clothes and the sweets probably get quickly swept away anyway. If Mil is indifferent to your eldest DD maybe take DD out for a nice treat while DH takes the youngest to see MiL? It does sound hard OP so you have my sympathy.
PinkyU · 28/12/2019 19:11
As the items are new with tags we will donate them to woman’s aid.
I certainly don’t want to fall out with oh, we’ve had an enormously difficult year and have come out the other side, mildly broken, but together.
It’s dd2&3’s birthday within the next few weeks, mil will insist on seeing them, I would rather deal with any unpleasantness now than on their birthday when I spring on oh that we’ll not be going to mil’s due to how she treats dd1.
I fear that if we switched to money or gift cards, poor dd1 would end up with nothing at all.
NomNomNomNom · 28/12/2019 19:23
Younger DD’s are not 2&3 years, I meant 2&3 as their birth order, they are old enough to notice the gifts disparity
Sorry OP, in that case it's even worse and I can see why you're especially upset. How does DD1 feel about it? Luckily by now she's definitely old enough to have a frank discussion and ask her opinion. Can you afford to gift her something nice to make up the disparity? I would be inclined to ask for receipts from MiL as the clothes don't fit DD1. Perhaps also decline gifts for DD2,3 and make it clear it's because it wouldn't be fair on DD1.
lynzpynz · 28/12/2019 19:29
Agree with @NomNomNomNom s suggestion of asking for receipts, say they are all the wrong sizes so would like to exchange them. Let us know when you have them and we will arrange to visit then or have you over. Don't be embarrassed or feel bad about keeping harassing her until you get them or the truth.
I'm all for being grateful for gifts but this sounds really clear favouritism and will hurt your DD1.
PinkyU · 28/12/2019 19:29
That’s the sad thing nomnom she was sat with me trying to come up with possible reasons for the inappropriate gifts like perhaps mil is trying to pass on family heirlooms for her to keep and pass on as well, such is her will to see the best in people (she’s far to soft and unjaded). That’s what makes it all the more a shitty thing for mil to do to her.
NomNomNomNom · 28/12/2019 19:32
@PinkyU The poor thing. I really have no idea how MiL can behave like that to someone who she must have known since she was a little girl. Horrible behaviour. Obviously I don't know your DD so maybe this doesn't apply but I was once in a situation where extended family were unfair to me and it would have meant a lot to me if my parents had just acknowledged that it was unfair and had been annoyed on my behalf. (My parents didn't want to rock the boat at the time which I understand but made me feel a bit shit).
lynzpynz · 28/12/2019 19:32
Just seen your reply to @Oneborneverydecadey no sorry as last time she did that (blatantly mention the tan covered dress) DD1 got no gift so you want to swop them yourself or will come along on the return trip. Do not let her away with this one like you did the tan coloured dress - keep on at her and on at her. It will not be easy but it's a way of making her accountable for her behaviour and staying on the 'right' side of this situation giving her not a leg to stand on.
saraclara · 28/12/2019 19:37
I think if she can’t treat my children with equal care and respect then she can’t see any of them.
In all honesty, I don't think this is your call. And I did think you bed to bear in mind the effect of the fallout on all your children - including the one you want to stick up for. She could end up feeling guilty about her siblings not getting to see their grandma any more. And for any of the other many effects that a huge fallout with MIL will have on the family.
I absolutely understand your anger, but please don't rush to action. Especially since the fallout could also ruin your other children's birthdays.
FoamingAtTheUterus · 28/12/2019 19:37
I get your point.
But children arent possessions........and you can't ban your husband's children from seeing his mum if he isn't on board.
Personally I'd tell her not to bother in future, if she's going to play nasty games she'll have to play them alone. Your younger DC will notice and make their own decisions when they're able to.
Tooner · 28/12/2019 19:41
Your poor daughter, she sounds so lovely trying to justify the shitty presents off your cow of a MIL. I would be telling your husband if he's not willing to stick up for her then you damn well will.
I would just tell MIL you don't want any further presents for any of your children as it's obvious she isn't treating your eldest child the same as the other two. How bloody hateful of her. I would be furious.
Chillyourbeans · 28/12/2019 19:48
I'd kill the old bat with kindness. Tell her the dresses and shoes don't fit but that you hate the idea of her lovely thoughtful gifts going to waste and wouldn't it be fun to have a girly shopping trip, just you MIL and DD1, to exchange everything together. Your poor girl.
IHateBlueLights · 28/12/2019 19:49
YABU. Your oldest is no relation to MiL. You cannot expect her to feel the same way about her as she does her biological grandchildren.
She should be kind, of course, but she has got her some presents, even though you don't think they are adequate.
I doubt your eldest is in her will either. They are not related.
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