To just now be done with MIL

[PinkyU]

Spent yesterday with mil for Christmas, in the mayhem our 3 DD’s were given their gifts. I did my best trying to take pictures of them opening their gifts but with 3 it’s hard and I missed a lot of eldest dd (18 years old and not OH’s biological child but has raised her for the last 14 years) opening her’s, which also included birthday gifts which hadn’t been given from October.

Today dd1 and I are looking through her gifts, which were all clothing, shoes and a handbag. Literally every article of clothing mil has given dd1 is 3-4 sizes too big (dd1 is a size 6, the clothes are size 12/14)and is all summer dresses and a school pinafore so not current stock to return, the shoes are a size too small and the handbag is such a bad fake that the emblem is about 2cm off centre and has glue marks all over it.

DD’s 2&3 (both oh biologically) were gifted expensive new (weather appropriate)clothing, coats and shoes, pyjamas, toys, sweets and chocolates. There is an age gap so I can appreciate that there will be a disparity in the amount of gifts.

From the size, style and season of clothing I suspect that mil has just stuffed a bunch of her own clothing and shoes from her recent holiday into a gift bag for dd1 and so hasn’t even gone to the effort of looking for and buying her gifts.

This has been a common theme to one degree or another for years. I have raised it with oh and mil previously and it improves the following year but then resumes.

I’ve now had enough and just want to be done with her and her obvious favouritism, she’s never going to change and I’ve given her enough chances. I think if she can’t treat my children with equal care and respect then she can’t see any of them.

Oh will not support this and it will cause issues but Aibu to say “tough, my children’s feelings and mental well-being comes first” even with the fallout this will cause?

It's sad, isn't it?

She could have got something suitable/the right size even if she didn't want to spend as much.

Perhaps money/vouchers would be better even if it made it obvious that the value was less as she could at least get something she wanted?

What's MIL generally like with her?

I think it’s so so wrong the way people are suggesting that MIL shouldnt have to buy for DD1 as she’s not biologically hers. We aren’t talking about a kid who has been around a few months, she’s been around 14 years!

It’s not DD1s fault her dad isn’t in the picture, it could really damage her to think she’s unequal to her sisters.

I speak from experience as I am the same as DD1 and whilst my “step dads” family accepted me, my step auntie never did and I felt awkward and horrible at family events.

My point is, yes MIL doesn’t “have to” buy for DD1 but at what cost? Making DD1 feel like she isn’t part of the family and different to her sisters? I could understand if MIL was skint and and extra present for DD1 would break the bank but since that hadn’t been stated I’ll assume she is fine financially. Therefore she can surely summon the effort to buy DD1 a gift

I can see why it offends you as DD’s mother, but she isn’t your DD’s grandma, she’s her step grandma. You said DD has no involvement with paternal family, that’s not your MIL’s issue either.
She previously said ‘blood means nothing’ but it looks like she’s changed her mind when DD2&3 were born, I appreciate it’s a difficult message for you to take but that’s the message she appears to be giving. I think this position should have been explained when DD1 was younger.
Having said that if she does chose to give DD1 a present those are pretty shit and cash would have been better.

You can't make a decision for the rest of the family about cutting MIL off, OP.

I am wondering - if this has been going on for a while - why it's only become unacceptable now? Is this because of your relationship difficulties recently? Are you looking for your DH to make a stand as some kind of proof for you? I do think there is something else going on here, irritating as the problem (unequal gifts) is there must be something else driving you wanting to make a stand this year.

Nope, sorry as a child with a half sibling I very much disagree with some of the statements here.

My step-grandparents (my half siblings grandparents) would never have dreamed of treating me differently just because I'm not biologically my stepmums. When my stepmum married my dad I came with him as a package deal.

Ditto my stepdad, his parents have treated me equally since I came into their lives. They even send gifts for my DC!

Yes, as a PP mentioned, I was not included in step-grandparents will but that is to be expected. During life they treated me as an equal grandchild - that is how decent human beings behave.

OP - your MiL is being thoughtless - I second either quietly regifting the items to your MIL for her birthday or asking her for the receipts, to her face, in front of other people.

I was in your DD position growing up. I was always treated slightly differently to my (half) brother. It's only now I'm older I've realised how much it has actually affected me.
I would actually concentrate on talking to your older daughter about it and include your other children in that discussion depending on their age.

Jesus some of you are cold as ice "blood is blood, of course you shouldn't expect anything". Presumably the same people who are the cause of the awful wedding threads where a a partner of 15 years hasn't been invited because they aren't faaaaaaaaaaaamily, etc

My parents adopted a cousin of mine (mother's side). My parental grandparents didn't approve of this and made it brutally clear in all sorts of ways, including presents. Even I as a young child could tell it was shit. OP, YANBU.

OP, YANBUNN

No idea what happened to the end of my post there. Still NBU.

Definitely ask for receipts (again)and keep asking every time she dies this. Maybe a verbal reminder in advance of next occasion of what size dd1 is 'just incase you get it wrong again'!!!!

I would say to her-‘DD is a size 6 and the clothes you’ve given are a 12. Her feet are a 5 and the shoes a 4-poor thing, nothing fits!’

Can you please have the receipts?

I’d do it every time.

I'd make sure she knew nothing fit, and suggest a day out to return them and shop for something new together.
That way you are directly dealing with the issue, but not making things worse by splitting up families

This is difficult but you are on the brink of making it a whole pile worse instead of defusing it. Indignant mothers can make the slight larger. In many families gifts often stop aged 18 or money is given instead. I think you are heading for a fall out with OH. It is easy to take more offence if you have had a bad year, but your head will tell you you can make this bigger or smaller. Personally I would tell your daughter that MIl is a bit odd doing this so put it down to muddled thinking. Ask MIL to give money or gift vouchers as they are getting more tricky to buy for as growing up. It isnt your OH fault and will make it woesr for him if you ramp it up. I have seen families in which the child isntt all that bothered until whipped up by an indignant mother

My guess is that if the Mil is a size 12/14 she is giving your DD things she has bought for herself and is passing on!

If you can turn it into a standing joke it might make it easier to deal with.

My ex Narc Mil and Sil always bought my children shit 🎁 gifts and they are both extremely rich!
Infact my Sil didn’t even buy presents she just used to wrap up broken toys her own children had outgrown!

I am glad to be out of that mad family!

But it was a standing joke!🤪

It's tricky because I don't see that you can really ban MiL from seeing the other two. And if she isn't a negative relation for them then it seems wrong to disrupt that relationship.
I think I'd focus on what you can do for DD1, which is acknowledge that she is being treated unfairly. It's really important that she knows you've got her back and that she isn't being a spoilt brat. But that sometimes people are crappy and you can't really change them. Also don't think that good gifts are tied to one's value as a person.
I'm not going to comment on what to say to MiL as I'm soft.

@LadyFlumpalot - I’m curious about how you’ve drawn the distinction that it’s ok to treat people one way in life and another after death (ie giving equal gifts but not making them equal beneficiaries under a will). Does that not make you feel that the way you were treated while they were alive was just for show ?

In general I think this thread shows how difficult blended families can be.

There is no blood link and I’m assuming DD1 was introduced to the MIL slowly and at a later stage to the stepdad. It is different to adoption in that respect, which I would think would have some similar stages to having a biological child (eg time to get excited prior to arrival, meeting the child together etc)... which would impact on bonding.

I still think that while the stepdad may have taken DD1 on as his own, that was his choice and you cannot force relationships on others in the wider family if they don’t want them.

As I said earlier, I think this should have been approached differently from day 1. The fact is, DD1 is different to her siblings in respect of her parents. If that had been explained in an age appropriate way, she wouldn’t get upset over these facts (although she would prob rightly be upset about her useless father - why is he not in the picture ?).

If DD1’s biological father and his family were involved, I do wonder if a disparity between gifts would be such an issue for the OP or if she would expect them to shell out for her other kids. It reads like she’s expecting her DH family to pick up the slack just because DD1’s own family is not interested. What is the backstory here and has the OP done anything to encourage / discourage involvement ? Has he been pushed out by the DH, is the OP chasing maintenance etc... ? I wonder how quickly the OP moved on if she has met a new man, introduced him to her DD and married him within a space of no more than 4 years. Has this had an impact ?

However, notwithstanding all that I do think the gifts produced by MIL (if not just genuine rubbish-ness at buying gifts - I’d struggle to pick teenage presents when they have a mind of their own in terms of clothes etc... but can walk into shops and buy for younger kids quite easily) are absolutely horrific. I couldn’t imagine treating a child so obviously poorly.

An appropriate present or gift card, even if not equal in value to the other gifts, should have been given as a token.

I wonder if she’s acting out as she feels forced to behave in a way you deem appropriate towards DD1, rather than how she genuinely feels.

@Stephminx

I do see what you mean, but to me it felt right.

My paternal grandparents (shared with my half sibling) treated us both equally in their will and in life.

My step grandparents (no relation other than marriage to me) treated us both equally in life but chose to leave some inheritance to my half sibling but not me. However, my stepmum has always treated both me and her biological daughter as equals in every way (I lucked out, my stepmum and my sister are awesome) so I don't mind. I guess if my stepmum and her parents had treated me as a lesser in life then it might have felt like a slight.

@LadyFlumpalot

I’m pleased for you, but I do wonder if others might have felt differently to you as there are some parallels with this thread (ie treating children related biologically vs non-biologically differently whether before or after death).

It just highlights how complex these situations and emotions are and that there can never be one fits all answer.

She's 18 - she'll get over it - a woman who is not her grandmother isn't overly bothered about her, that's hardly going to affect her 'mental well-being', is it?

One child out of three siblings has been singled out for deliberately shoddy and humiliating treatment for a number of years.

There are no excuses for that amongst decent human beings.

And of course it's damaging.

If her step dad really treats her as his other children, would he allow this for them? Or would he go to bat for them?

She's 18 - she'll get over it - a woman who is not her grandmother isn't overly bothered about her, that's hardly going to affect her 'mental well-being', is it?

I'm guessing that this behaviour hasn't suddenly just started now she's turned 18. Biologically, the woman isn't her GM, but she's been in place of her biological GM since she was 4.

You only have to read the other thread about comments that stay with you to understand how badly one single comment, made to somebody when they're 30 or 40, can mar them and cause them lasting mental upset. Persistent belittling and unkind behaviour towards a child, who has just technically become an adult, can indeed cause lasting damage.

I was your daughter in this situation. I came into the family at 5 years old and was treated very differently to my older step siblings and their children. I didn't notice it until I was older, after my parents had been married for 20 odd years.
Ultimately I was the one who ended up caring for my step grandparents, shopping for them and cleaning their house weekly as none of the others really gave a shit!

It was very very hurtful when I realised I was not seen as part of this family I had been involved in for 20+ years. (Luckily my step father has always treated me as his own as I have no relationship with my biological father/family.)
I think you need to express that sentiment to your MIL.

Katy1213 - what a nasty, ignorant thing to say! This girl has been part of this family since she was 4! Regardless of weather she is a blood relative she is part of the family and the other granddaughters are her sisters!

@Stephminx Excuse me? How do you know OP's DD1 has her father in her life?

@PinkyU I would absolutely ban MIL from all the kid's lives. Her behaviour is abusive.

You collect up All the children's gifts from mil and put them in a bag. Your dh takes everything back to his mum and passes the bag over saying 'treat them equally or not at all.'
Job done.
Yes your younger 2 may object but it's the only fair way and your dd will feel supported.