To just now be done with MIL

[PinkyU]

Spent yesterday with mil for Christmas, in the mayhem our 3 DD’s were given their gifts. I did my best trying to take pictures of them opening their gifts but with 3 it’s hard and I missed a lot of eldest dd (18 years old and not OH’s biological child but has raised her for the last 14 years) opening her’s, which also included birthday gifts which hadn’t been given from October.

Today dd1 and I are looking through her gifts, which were all clothing, shoes and a handbag. Literally every article of clothing mil has given dd1 is 3-4 sizes too big (dd1 is a size 6, the clothes are size 12/14)and is all summer dresses and a school pinafore so not current stock to return, the shoes are a size too small and the handbag is such a bad fake that the emblem is about 2cm off centre and has glue marks all over it.

DD’s 2&3 (both oh biologically) were gifted expensive new (weather appropriate)clothing, coats and shoes, pyjamas, toys, sweets and chocolates. There is an age gap so I can appreciate that there will be a disparity in the amount of gifts.

From the size, style and season of clothing I suspect that mil has just stuffed a bunch of her own clothing and shoes from her recent holiday into a gift bag for dd1 and so hasn’t even gone to the effort of looking for and buying her gifts.

This has been a common theme to one degree or another for years. I have raised it with oh and mil previously and it improves the following year but then resumes.

I’ve now had enough and just want to be done with her and her obvious favouritism, she’s never going to change and I’ve given her enough chances. I think if she can’t treat my children with equal care and respect then she can’t see any of them.

Oh will not support this and it will cause issues but Aibu to say “tough, my children’s feelings and mental well-being comes first” even with the fallout this will cause?

[Stephminx]

I’m in two minds here - your eldest daughter is not biologically related to your MIL. Your eldest DD has a whole other family on her fathers side, including grandparents. Are you insisting that they treat your younger two the same as DD1 ?

I can completely understand if your MIL doesn’t feel that close bond with your DD1 that she does with the other two.

She is not your DD1’s grandmother. Just because you married her son and he took on a step father role, doesn’t mean she has to feel the same. You don’t mention your DD1’s biological father - I assume he’s not in the picture along with his parents, but it’s not up to your MIL to compensate for that. You should have explained the difference to her as a child years ago and managed her expectations.

However, your DD1 has been in her life a long time now and I do think the way she has dealt with gifts is appalling. I don’t think she actually has to get your DD1 anything, or if she does It doesn’t have to match the value of the younger two’s gifts.
However, morally I do think she would be better off buying her one well thought out gift (even if it’s a token gift of lesser value) than handing over bags of used tat. That is a slap in the face (not sure if it’s aimed at you or her though) and unacceptable, only highlighted by the gifts she gets for the other two.

I think you and DD1 need to accept this woman is not her grandmother and she should be treated/thought of a bit more like a distant relation in that regard. However, she is the grandmother of your other two children and from what I can tell, she treats them well. I see absolutely no reason for you to deny her contact with the other two, particularly as your DH does not want to. You would be quite spiteful to do so and I suspect it would damage the relationship with your DH.

This is the problem with “blended” families. You and your DH can chose to blend, but you cannot force everyone else in the wider families to and it’s not entirely fair for you to impose a relationship on your MIL that she clearly doesn’t want/feel.

I think there is fault on both sides here. You for expecting her to treat all children the same when she does not want to, and her for passive aggressive terrible, slap in the face gifts.

[TheLittleBrownFox]

Giving to women's aid is a lovely idea, but why not sell and use the money to get something she actually wants? Maybe half and half?

I wouldn't cut MIL off but I would say to her in no nonsense terms that money or vouchers will be fine for DD1 in future rather than clothes that are neither her size nor taste. I'd also consider putting that in a thank you note, and letting her know that as unfortunately they weren't suitable they have gone to benefit women's aid.

[Snowman123]

How do you not know that MIL did made an effort and just got it badly wrong?

Teenagers are hard to buy for.

I agree that asking for receipts to return the items to get the right size and so that the items are not wasted is a good idea.

Being upset because someone didn't give the right, or expected quality of gifts sounds a bit entitled to me.

[PrittSticky]

I would definitely not be spending Christmas with your MIL again, but you can’t unilaterally ban your other children from seeing her. You can’t force your husband to break off contact with his own mother, no matter how much you want to.

[PinkyU]

So perhaps just a direct message of “I’m not happy with this situation (again), from now on do not give any of the children gifts at all, you can still see them on birthdays and Christmas but as you repeatedly treat dd1 so poorly, this is the only way it can be fair to all of the children”.

I will have the conversation fact to face and be more succinct than the above, but does the jist of the message seems appropriate?

[PrittSticky]

Does your dd get presents from her own paternal grandparents?

[ALLMYSmellySocks]

How do you not know that MIL did made an effort and just got it badly wrong?

Sounds fairly obvious given that MiL manages perfectly well to by for younger DD's but gets eldest one stuff from the wrong season covered in fake tan! There is no way that's an accident!

[Wereallsquare]

Your MIL is a monstrous bitch. I am sorry that she is treating your daughter with such disregard, especially since DD1 is such a pure soul. It is a tricky situation, what with your OH's lack of support. YANBU to be hurt and angry, but cutting her contact with the kids might not really be possible. Can you help DD1 to see the reality and together viciously mock (with a sense of humour) the insulting gifts? Turn it into a contest who can predict the horrors DD1 will be presented with next? The whole situation is awful, though.

[Zebracat]

You don’t say if dd1s paternal family is in the picture, but if they were, I doubt you would expect them to buy things for your other daughters. And Dd is now 18, so no longer a child.
Stopping your children from having a relationship with their grandmother would be unfair to your children.
I had this as my oldest is not my husbands child, and was treated differently, and both he and I did find it hurtful. But then I realised that I always overcompensated him for this, so he didn’t actually miss out , but was left with a false impression that he did. Be careful, not to fan the flames of feeling less than, and take her out and buy her something nice from you.

[PinkyU]

Dd1 has no contact with her biological dad or his family and never has.

When mil first met dd1 as a very young child she repeatedly told me how she would love her as her own and that as far as she was concerned “blood means nothing in families”. This was the way dd1 was treated until dd’s2&3 arrived.

OH has raised dd1 as his own, his entire extended family see no difference and treat her no differently than our younger DD’s. Her paternity has never, ever been relevant.

[frazzledasarock]

Fuck that, if my MIL gave my older DC; old used tat as ‘gifts’ whilst showering my younger DC, her biological GC with extravagant gifts I’d be very pissed off and definitely wouldn’t facilitate any kind of relationship with the younger DC.

I don’t expect my IL’s to give my older DC extravagant gifts, but during Christmas when when everyone is opening gifts I do expect my older DC to be included with token gifts they’d like. I’m incredibly lucky that my IL’s actually genuinely happily treat my older DC with love and treat all the siblings the same.

I would say no gifts next year as MIL clearly can’t afford to buy gifts for everyone. So just pop by if she wants but gifts will not be accepted.

I would not bother with gifts to her either at all.

[KindnessCrusader]

To those saying (brutally) she is no relation to her, this MIL's Son has raised this child as his own for FOURTEEN YEARS! How can you think the way you do?! Would you say the same to parents of an adopted child?
I am so glad that my in laws treat all of my children the same (in fact, non bio child has always been at an advantage as the only girl )

[LH1987]

Hi OP, I think that the direct message you propose is fair. Its not confrontational but lets her know her behaviour has been wrong. Really horrible situation though, Im sorry you have to deal with it.

Be ready for some very sarcastic / underhand comments from MIL though around Xmas and birthday time.

[LH1987]

Also, to anyone who says that your DD is not her biological daughter. What does that matter? Many children are adopted, it shouldn't make any difference at all!

[Stephminx]

@PinkyU

But paternity clearly is relevant to your MIL - how else can you explain the difference e in the way she treats them.

[PinkyU]

It’s definitely an eye opener kindness and LH, it’s literally not something we ever think about. DD1 is as much oh child as she is mine, I fact I probably see more of him in her personality and demeanour.

[Molly2016]

YANBU especially given this has been raised before.
I would message (because I’m a chicken) and ask for vouchers going forward, I’d also give her the clothes for DD1 back and ask for the cash equivalent.
All you can do is keep reiterating the message.
It also wouldn’t hurt to say ‘DD1 was disappointed none of her gifts are suitable again, as are we (you and DH).
I sympathise because my MiL treats her GC differently.

[Winterdaysarehere]

We went nc with mil partly due to her not buying for her actual dgc but buying for my dc...
No logic at all there imo.

[NoSauce]

Yabu to expect her to feel the same for your eldest as MIL does for her biological GC.

However I don’t think it’s fair of her to buy them such different presents.

[KindnessCrusader]

I'm so sorry you're going through this, really am.
When I met my now Husband I remember feeling like I needed to be incredibly grateful to his family for accepting my DD. I've told my MIL that I thought it was amazing they welcomed her as their first grandchild and she was shocked I thought that way. She loves her as her own and they have a very special relationship. We are thinking of adopting in the future and I have no doubt she will treat any adopted child the same. Reading Mumsnet I do appear to have 'got lucky' though.

[PinkyU]

I completely understand that feeling kindness I was so overcome when mil sat me down and said the above, dd1 was so young and whilst I’d have understood a standoffishness it would have hurt me.

To deal with this now at a later stage when things went very smoothly initially is awful, I hate that dd1 is hurt by this.

On the other hand fil and stepmil never had such a conversation initially and I really did worry about their acceptance of dd1, but with hindsight I see now that actually they never felt the conversation needed to be had, they welcomed dd1 completely right from the start.

[AlexanderHalexander]

I think YABU to expect her to feel the same about DD1 and her biological grandchildren.

But

Giving a child regifted grandma dresses and fake bags is not alright. She could have given her money and a bit of chocolate if she wasn't sure what to buy her. Givign a size 6 child a size 14 summer dress for christmas is horrendous.

I'd call her out it: send her a text saying: all of the clothes you've sent DD are much too big, you didn't just wrap up your cast offs did you? Haha

And wait for the fallout. She'll be pissed off, but maybe it will shame her into better behaviour.

[Gretafamily]

Why are people saying that the MIL shouldn’t have to get her anything just because they aren’t biologically related?! I’m not biologically related to my MIL, SIL and her husband but I still get them decent gifts for Xmas and birthdays.

[Loveislandaddict]

Possibly your mil has just estimated the sizes wrong. Size 6 didn’t exist years ago, and size 12 was a fairly normal size for an 18 year old. Maybe she thought your dd would like the handbag. Shoes are always a risky purchase.

Mil may find buying for 2-3 year olds easier.

[NoseyBuggerMummy]

Bloody hell what if OP and her DH adopted a child? Should MiL be able to take no interest since it's not her direct bloodline? DD1 is part of the family, she'll have been at family events and probably spent just as much time with Mil as the two other DD's, her son has raised this child for 14 years. You would have to go out of your way to avoid seeing her as a grandchild in the same way as the other two.