To just now be done with MIL

[PinkyU]

Spent yesterday with mil for Christmas, in the mayhem our 3 DD’s were given their gifts. I did my best trying to take pictures of them opening their gifts but with 3 it’s hard and I missed a lot of eldest dd (18 years old and not OH’s biological child but has raised her for the last 14 years) opening her’s, which also included birthday gifts which hadn’t been given from October.

Today dd1 and I are looking through her gifts, which were all clothing, shoes and a handbag. Literally every article of clothing mil has given dd1 is 3-4 sizes too big (dd1 is a size 6, the clothes are size 12/14)and is all summer dresses and a school pinafore so not current stock to return, the shoes are a size too small and the handbag is such a bad fake that the emblem is about 2cm off centre and has glue marks all over it.

DD’s 2&3 (both oh biologically) were gifted expensive new (weather appropriate)clothing, coats and shoes, pyjamas, toys, sweets and chocolates. There is an age gap so I can appreciate that there will be a disparity in the amount of gifts.

From the size, style and season of clothing I suspect that mil has just stuffed a bunch of her own clothing and shoes from her recent holiday into a gift bag for dd1 and so hasn’t even gone to the effort of looking for and buying her gifts.

This has been a common theme to one degree or another for years. I have raised it with oh and mil previously and it improves the following year but then resumes.

I’ve now had enough and just want to be done with her and her obvious favouritism, she’s never going to change and I’ve given her enough chances. I think if she can’t treat my children with equal care and respect then she can’t see any of them.

Oh will not support this and it will cause issues but Aibu to say “tough, my children’s feelings and mental well-being comes first” even with the fallout this will cause?

[newlifenewme2020]

My goodness the grammar police are out in force on this thread ain’t they

[LL83]

other than the gifts does she treat dd2 well? Interested in her and pleasant? If so I would keep up contact but no gifts. If she is not as nice to dd1 I would reduce contact.
I wouldn't discourage dh organising visits with dc2/3 but i would take dc1 out.

[BloggersBlog]

I think maybe the first step is what a PP said - ask for the receipts as nothing fits. Her reply will let you know if she has made an honest mistake, or given her own cast-offs and you can then wipe the floor with her send your text

[recycledbottle]

I would give them back to MIL and say they are way too big or ask for the gift receipts. Your DH has to be in board if you cut contact completely.

[cheeseandpineapple]

For MIL’s next birthday and Xmas get her some gorgeous size 6 clothes suitable for teenagers/young adults. Hopefully she’ll end up regifting them to DD1. But if she asks to exchange them, tell her you bought them so far in advance it’s no longer possible to exchange them and maybe DD1 should have them and she’ll give MIL the size 14 Xmas clothes in return and throw in the bag for good measure too.

[SandyY2K]

@Stephminx
Well thought out post.

OP... she may have said those things about your DD, but when her own GC came along, she felt differently.

Perhaps just say that as DD1 us getting older, would she be able to get a gift voucher in future to choose her own stuff.

I do that with my teenage nieces and nephews.

You can't ban her from buying gifts for her GC for this reason.

I do think you should note what a pp said and that she probably isn't in MILS will... or if she is she will get less.

[Ibizafun]

I would 100% ask for the receipts saying nothing fits. I can understand your dd is not her grandchild but what a stupid woman to compromise her relationship with you and your other two kids.

Having said that I don’t think you can stop your other two having a relationship with her.. how would you explain that to them in future? Wouldn’t be fair to deprive them of that.

[DingDongSchadenfreudeOnHigh]

I don't think it's worth falling out for.

WHAT?!

Not worth falling out over your child being treated like muck? Don't talk sot Madroid

OP has every right to be angry and upset. She has both the right and the responsibility to step in to protect her DD. Personally I would give this cow of a MIL a flea in her ear, and never let her near ANY of my children again.

Her actions aren't just unkind - they are spiteful and divisive and could ultimately cause problems between the girls.

[Daddylonglegs1965]

My children are 14 and 16 and even we as parents rarely get it right when trying to buy an item of clothing for them. I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask MIL if she can exchange the gifts as unfortunately none of them fit and are to your DD’s taste. Going forwards I don’t think it is unreasonable to ask for vouchers or cash to let DD 18 chose something for herself that she likes and fits.
However, I think cutting contact or expecting DH to cut contact is over the top and won’t go well for you, your relationship with your husband and or your elder DD.

[Drizzzle]

Can't you just say the clothes don' t fit and ask for the receipt? You said the clothes still have labels on so it doesn't seem likely your MIL wore them on holiday .

[NorthernLightsInWinter]

So your Dh has been raising your oldest DD since she was 4 years old, and your MIL said she would treat her as family, blood didnt matter, blah blah blah, and did so ... until actual blood grandchildren were produced. And your Dh let her.

wow.

I'd've cut her off years ago. nasty cow. anyone who can do that to a child is evil, imo.

[nicky7654]

School pinafore for an 18 year old?

[rhubarbarkle]

can you be absolutely sure about the clothes @PinkyU. Just to consolidate your position. There is usually an item no. on the tag that if you buy clothes online and have to send back, you have to enter on the return form. On a lot of websites, you can search for an item via these numbers and an out of stock/discontinued search result could confirm it. Playing devil's advocate and you haven't said, does your DD have a grandmother on her biological father's side?

I'd just say to her (well get your DP to say to her), DD is of an age now where she just wants money in a card and so the value can't be hidden in anyway. Just see how that falls.But make sure he insists on it.

[cheeseandpineapple]

OP has already raised the issue in the past with MIL and it hasn’t got her anywhere. I would leave it for now and just illustrate the point when buying gifts for the MIL on next occasion.

Something from here should get the message across, plus there’s a sale on so now might be the time to make a purchase, even better if MIL has a winter birthday coming up soon...

www.prettylittlething.com/shop-by/petite-clothing/dresses.html?navigation-shopfigure-petitedresses

[carlywurly]

Perhaps she isn't bu to feel slightly differently but she is totally bu to let it show in such a spiteful way. This is a child and this difference in treatment is desperately unkind.

I can't believe how many posters are justifying the different treatment.

[VenusTiger]

She sounds like a right stubborn pain in the arse to me - tell her now DD is 18, not to buy her any more gifts.

[Okbutno]

Poor dd. That sort of shit can really have an impact on self esteem. I'm not surprised you're sick. Your dh needs to support you and his daughter. If he sees her as that.

[WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll]

School pinafore for an 18 year old?

I wondered that too. Even weirder if they're her own cast-offs and she - a grandmother - has been dressing in school uniform

Also, if they're her old holiday clothes, why are they still brand new with tags on? Not doubting you at all, OP, but something is very weird here.

[Cherrysoup]

@Loveislandaddict OP says her other dd aren’t 2 and 3, that’s just the order of birth.

OP, I would 100% ask for the receipts then have the conversation about how you want no further gifts as she was yet again so far off the mark. She’s being a massive bitch. She knows it, you know, it, your dd knows it and so does your dh. About time he stepped up, no?

[PinkyU]

She is a prolific shopper and so has a huge number of new with tag clothing in her wardrobe, some from years ago.

This is a similar style pinafore, so styled with a blouse etc could be weird office attire for a short adult. At 5’8 the pinafore is FAR too short for dd1.

www.quizclothing.co.uk/clothes/00100008605.html

[Frenchw1fe]

You collect up All the children's gifts from mil and put them in a bag. Your dh takes everything back to his mum and passes the bag over saying 'treat them equally or not at all.'
Job done.
Yes your younger 2 may object but it's the only fair way and your dd will feel supported.

[Womenwotlunch]

I am shocked by the number of posters who think that it is acceptable for the mil to treat the children differently.
My dB is married to someone who had a child ( dniece) from a previous relationship. My mother has treated the child as her own grandchild.
In fact , most people don’t even know that dniece is not my dm biological grandchild.

[Ispini]

I would visit her with all the clothing and ask about each one individually.
“Gosh MIL did you think DD1 was this size?”
“You must return the bag it’s obviously damaged”. Etc, don’t let the witch away with it and do it with a smile on your face. Passive aggressive is the way I’d go, otherwise I’d lose it!

[CustomerCervixDepartment]

She doesn’t treat your daughter well, so respond in kind, she’s not your mother in law, so not family, she’s just your boyfriends mother. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Tough shit that your boyfriend ‘doesn’t like confrontation and sticks his head in the sand’, he can locate his decency and stand up for the children he chose to have, his girlfriend and child he has helped raise. There’s no excuse for him leaving you all to the whims of his shitty mother.

[7salmonswimming]

She shouldn’t treat the children differently. She’s clearly decided she wants to.

You can’t ban her from buying gifts for her grandchildren.

She obviously has something going on in her head about DD1. You’ve addressed it once and she reverted to type. She’s not going to change, whether you confront her or not.

The trouble with asking for a gift card or vouchers is that’ll make the difference more stark: £25 for DD1, £100+ of clothes for DD2&3.

DD1 sounds lovely. She clearly knows what’s going on. Perhaps now is the time to have that conversation with her. “We’ve raised this issue with her before, but she seems to have some kind of mental block. I think it’s pretty terrible for you, honestly, I wish you didn’t have to deal with this. You know that in our family, and frankly with everyone else, we’re all the same. It goes without saying, right? I reflect from time to time on why MIL might be different. Don’t feel guilty or worried about doing the same. You’re allowed to, it’s fine with dad and with me. Think about it and tell us whatever you’d like to do about it. Just know we’re on your side and support you 100%”.