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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband and sex

113 replies

lightsout · 28/12/2019 12:43

hi it’s my first post but here we go... last night husband said he wanted sex (great I like sex!) told him I’d be up in a minute... but I lost track of time and half an hour later he was banging and shouting from upstairs (very out of character) and said to just leave it he was going to bed really grumpy... acting very normal this morning like nothing had happened last night... I know he won’t apologise but I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong apart from not following him immediately upstairs.
I don’t even want to talk to him today just ugh...

AIBU to feel upset at how he reacted last night? Should I just let it slide?

OP posts:
FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/12/2019 12:44

Has he ever been that much of a knob before?

It's unreasonable. There's nothing less sexy than a mardy arse.

Original poster
lightsout · 28/12/2019 12:48

Nope only ever once before many years ago has he done that which is why I said it’s out of character.... and yup a big turn off.

OP posts:
DorotheaHomeAlone · 28/12/2019 12:52

I’d be really hurt in your husband’s shoes and would definitely have given up well before 30 minutes and gone to bed. Way to demonstrate how resistible you find him!

Original poster
lightsout · 28/12/2019 12:55

mmmm good perspective ... it wasn’t on purpose, just had to finish up a few boring household bits downstairs and come up but lost track of time but I can see how maybe he felt rejected

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 28/12/2019 12:57

I think his reaction was OTT however, flip this. How would you feel?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 28/12/2019 12:59

I'd also have been hurt in your husbands shoes however his reaction was OTT.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2019 12:59

I’m assuming, simply from the fact that you seem to plan sex rather than it just happening spontaneously, that you don’t have very much of it? Possibly your husband felt like you were stalling by taking your time downstairs or trying to leave it long enough that he fell asleep. Which must be frustrating if you already don’t have a very active sex life.

Tell him that you didn’t like his reaction and it was a turn off. Apologise for dragging your heels (there’s “not immediately following him to bed” and there’s dallying about for half an hour while he waits) Communicate like grown ups.

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/12/2019 12:59

Eh? Confused actually ahoiting and 'banging' because you made him wait longer than he wanted for SEX. Wtf OP! You're not bloody being paid for it, and it would be vile even if you were.

The thing is you obviously don't have to have sex or want it regardless. Had you have outright said no he would have no reason to behave this way. It isnt up to you to take responsibility for his 'needs' (wants) and his tantrums. Doesn't speak very well of what he thinks women are for and what he's entitled to does it.

Original poster
lightsout · 28/12/2019 13:00

It’s happened before the other way where I’ve had to wait ... we are adults with a young family so sometimes life does get in the way. I’d not let a bit of waiting ruin the rare child free moments we do get together especially by throwing a tantrum. I have 3 kids don’t need an extra one. I get that he felt he’d been waiting too long but his reaction was a dick move. Totally over the top I felt especially as he woke the baby with his noise.

OP posts:
JustACog · 28/12/2019 13:00

Sounds like he was a bit overdramatic but put yourself in his shoes.

Your partner would rather spend 30 mins doing other stuff (which almost certainly could wait) than come upstairs and be intimate.

Think you'd feel quite rejected by it too.

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/12/2019 13:00

**shouting- not sure where 'ahoiting' came from Grin

FudgeBrownie2019 · 28/12/2019 13:01

Out of character or not it's immature and a little ridiculous. I'd point out to him that you're not some kind of on-demand sexual treat for him to command. It's just rude.

As for showing him how attractive you find him, what a way for him to show OP how attractive he finds her; banging and shouting because he couldn't get what he wanted. Surely after a few minutes waiting if you were in the mood for sex you'd go downstairs and say "you ready?" rather than lying there like a Greek God thinking your needs will be met by your partner. There's more to seduction and romance than "I'd like a shag" as you march up the stairs.

suggestionsplease1 · 28/12/2019 13:01

Depending on other circumstances I'd feel a bit hurt if I was your husband. Is it possible he perceives this as another incident after a few others where he's not been considered, or things that he'd like have been at the bottom of the list?

lilgreen · 28/12/2019 13:02

He overreacted but if I was the one waiting I’d probably felt a bit rejected and probably fallen asleep. 30 mins is a long time to wait after you said you’d be up in a minute.

Merryoldgoat · 28/12/2019 13:03

I’m not a fan of the banging around and shouting, but I’d be really pissed off if you ‘lost track of time’ and left me for half an hour waiting for you.

I’d have been angry as well, whilst I’d not have reacted like that to be fair.

Original poster
lightsout · 28/12/2019 13:04

@FudgeBrownie2019 exactly that’s what I said to him why didn’t you just come back down give me a nudge if I was taking too long

OP posts:
AgeLikeWine · 28/12/2019 13:05

Put yourself in his shoes. You were waiting upstairs looking forward to having sex with your husband who had told you he would be up in a minute. Half an hour later he is still downstairs faffing about with the bins or whatever because that is more important than you.

Would you feel rejected? I most certainly would.

His behaviour was probably a bit OTT, but you still owe him an apology.

Greysparkles · 28/12/2019 13:06

Well, it's a bit of a passion killer. "I'll be right up love" then you decide to get stuck into housework Confused so you prefer ironing to sex with your husband?!

Original poster
lightsout · 28/12/2019 13:07

I apologised last night already

OP posts:
rededucator · 28/12/2019 13:07

His reaction may have been childish but he was excited and sitting 'ready' for some action and could likely hear you pottering around emptying dishwasher etc. I'd real really rejecting and like the next chore on your list had I been in his place. A chore you never got round to.

ComtesseDeSpair · 28/12/2019 13:08

Even take sex away from the scenario and replace it with something else. If someone has said they’ll be there in a minute and then over half an hour later is still dithering and taking their sweet time, most of us would be pretty annoyed.

FizzyIce · 28/12/2019 13:09

You made him wait to finish chores which meant he then lost the urge .
If you wanted to have sex then why didn’t you just go up with him and do that afterwards .
I don’t think he was unfair ,just annoyed the moment had past and couldn’t be bothered anymore

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 28/12/2019 13:11

What about it being a cream tea?

WorraLiberty · 28/12/2019 13:12

I know he won’t apologise but I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong apart from not following him immediately upstairs.

That's not quite true is it though? Half an hour later and you still hadn't gone upstairs. That's very different to him expecting you to come up 'immediately'.

Boxerbinky · 28/12/2019 13:14

I'm with your husband too! I know it wasn't intention but I'd be so offended if my husband did that to me, way to make him feel sexy.. maybe he shouldn't have flipped - but he's now let it go and yet you expect him to apologise to you?!