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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU husband and sex

113 replies

lightsout · 28/12/2019 12:43

hi it’s my first post but here we go... last night husband said he wanted sex (great I like sex!) told him I’d be up in a minute... but I lost track of time and half an hour later he was banging and shouting from upstairs (very out of character) and said to just leave it he was going to bed really grumpy... acting very normal this morning like nothing had happened last night... I know he won’t apologise but I don’t feel I’ve done anything wrong apart from not following him immediately upstairs.
I don’t even want to talk to him today just ugh...

AIBU to feel upset at how he reacted last night? Should I just let it slide?

OP posts:
siring1 · 28/12/2019 15:08

He didn't bark his wish and huff upstairs.

girlygirl98 · 28/12/2019 15:11

Let it go... if he's by and large a good husband you can forgive the odd bit of childish behaviour. I'd probably feel a bit silly if I'd gone up and was sat there waiting like a lemon while you stacked the dishwasher. He may have felt you didn't really want and got hurt

siring1 · 28/12/2019 15:12

I'm always stunned at how many people on Mumsnet read a post then respond to a totally ficticious post.

Blueskywhy · 28/12/2019 15:15

I'd be really really annoyed if I went to bed, and expected DH to arrive for sex shortly afterwards, and instead he carried on downstairs doing things that really did not need to be done. It does not seems very caring or sensitive from you OP.

Of course that is not to excuse the response from your partner. In this case you've both not shown each other much respect or care.

GrannyBags · 28/12/2019 15:16

@Umberta which post did you read? In the Op it says nothing about barking or huffing

Cryingoverspilttea · 28/12/2019 15:17

You did ironing over sex?

Fucking hell OP. I'd be furious.

Dipsydoodle · 28/12/2019 15:20

Only on MN is it acceptable to throw a tantrum because you've been kept waiting for sex and wake up your baby because of it instead of just calling down to see if your partner needs any help like an adult. Jesus wept, ladies, aim higher!

Cryingoverspilttea · 28/12/2019 15:21

Wow... @Umberta "Call me old fashioned but how about eg a hug, a kiss, being persuasive?"

Fuck me. You want your husband to persuade you to have sex? Think about what you just wrote right there...

You should want to jump his bones not be persuaded.

Ever thought maybe the OP's husband wanted to be wooed a bit too? Or is it only silly housewives who have duty sex that need that?

Iwantacookie · 28/12/2019 15:29

Yanbu he should of helped you with the chores. Dam right ide pick chores over sex because otherwise ide be the one doing them in the morning.

TotHappy · 28/12/2019 15:36

FFS, it's pretty normal to want to be relaxed to have a good time, I might well do the same, not because I prefer stacking the dishwasher to sex but because I'd rather get that out the way so we can take our time then fall asleep together, not have to go down and do chores in a post coital glow! I'm amazed how many people would be so offended by this.

Umberta · 28/12/2019 15:37

Erm no, I dont want him to persuade me. I come onto my husband too, we are pretty 50-50. But my way of being sexy isnt saying, "let's go upstairs now, I want to have sex". I also use non verbal cues like the ones I've listed, and I think it's nice to make your OH feel desirable non verbally. I call that being charming or persuasive. There's nothing sexist, we initiate equally, but yes, i would like it if the person who initiates tries to be affectionate. You can jump up in a huff if you like but I think as @Dipsydoodle says, you may have too low expectations ConfusedSad

Umberta · 28/12/2019 15:39

@Cryingoverspilttea "you should want to jump his bones" I'm so glad you aren't my husband! "You should WANT ME"... my goodness, listen to what you are implying! Doesn't consent matter even though you are married??

Umberta · 28/12/2019 15:41

There's definitely no "should" when it comes to sex... if both people want it, lovely. If one doesn't, dont. Definitely no "should want to jump his bones" just because you're married... in case anyone is reading this thinking that's ok if they are in that situation. You can say no.

Lizzie0869 · 28/12/2019 15:43

He was being very childish; why didn't he come back downstairs to help his DW clear up? I would definitely do the same as the OP, as I have difficulty switching off for the night before I've finished tidying up in the kitchen.

It can be very companionable doing it together, and there's nothing to stop you becoming frisky with each other.

Her DH's sulk really reminds me of my DDs, it's called biting off your nose to spite your face. Hmm

OlaEliza · 28/12/2019 15:44

I'd probably feel a bit silly if I'd gone up and was sat there waiting like a lemon while you stacked the dishwasher. He may have felt you didn't really want and got hurt

Ahh diddums. The man's feelings were hurt. That entitled him to become aggressive and violent, waking the baby did it?

Women can never change their mind in case it upsets a man?

Jesus Fucking Christ at most of this thread.

Umberta · 28/12/2019 15:44

Maybe I was unclear in my use of the word persuasive? I meant affectionate, nice, charming? Not demanding, tantrumy, "you should want to jump my bones because you are my wife, now come upstairs this minute"

LightweightStroller · 28/12/2019 15:47

Why didn’t he come down and help with the chores?

Why did he wake the baby with an angry rant rather than come down and see if you’d fallen asleep on the sofa?

He sounds like a spoiled brat. What a turn off.

Hope he does his share of all the chores and settles the baby from now on? Those things should be shared.

Time for you to get talking, and if nothing changes, get a hobby for the weekends.
Let him sort out his kids and the chores. Sounds like you’re doing it all at the moment and could do with a break.

Umberta · 28/12/2019 15:51

No one is entitled to sex, ever. The other person must consent fully throughout. They don't have to, and there's no should. Whether or not they are married. If that makes me a "silly housewife" then I despair for sensible ones.

MRex · 28/12/2019 15:54

I'd have been pissed off if I were him, though clearly he should have gone downstairs to talk to you. Why didn't you get him to help empty the dishwasher and whatever other tasks? With some music on, flirty chat and occasional gropes it can be made fun, plus you're upstairs in half the time.

Elieza · 28/12/2019 16:14

Does he have erectile problems and was worried it wouldn’t stand to attention much longer, it didn’t, so he went to sleep?
Does he take a viagra type thing and it wore off?

Who knows.

If he’d done his share of the chores with you instead of leaving you to do them all this problem would not have arisen as you would have gone upstairs at the same time. He’s a lazy arse.

Lizzie0869 · 28/12/2019 16:27

Plus, him waking up the baby made it a certainty that there wouldn't be any sex. Whereas coming downstairs and working with the OP to complete the chores would have resulted in a night of passion with his wife.

I think, though, that the OP shouldn't have said she'd be up with him in a minute, as that's what frustrated her DH. She could have asked him to help her with the promise of a shag when they'd finished.

otterturk · 28/12/2019 16:32

He sounds like an immature arsehole

otterturk · 28/12/2019 16:33

Jobs need doing. His dick won't disappear.

otterturk · 28/12/2019 16:37

@olaeliza EXACTLY

LexMitior · 28/12/2019 16:54

Do you actually like having sex with each other? It really sounds like you are totally unbothered - he’s pissed off by your attitude. He shouldn’t have shouted but really, tackling the dishwasher in preference to having sex looks like you don’t give a damn.

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