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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I overreacting to rubbish first xmas present from new boyfriend?

107 replies

Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:14

I've known my current partner for 7 months and put quite a lot of thought into his Christmas presents, picking up on things he has said in conversation etc and getting a selection of things he really likes.
In return I got a toiletries set. I am by no means trying to sound ungrateful but it feels like this is a clear sign there's no spark here from his point of view. I'm really disappointed. Not in the cost or anything like that, but complete lack of imagination or thought.

OP posts:

EC22 · 27/12/2019 23:15

Did he ask what you wanted?
Was he sheepish when he seen how much effort you’d put in?

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 27/12/2019 23:16

Some people are just not good at buying presents, me being one of them. I get so anxious each Christmas and Birthday.

Tartyflette · 27/12/2019 23:17

Some people are crap at presents, sadly. (Not necessarily just men). But it looks like your DP is one of those.
If you're still together next Xmas you could get him a tie and hanky set.

Original poster

Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:17

Hi EC22, it's a no to both questions there

OP posts:

IncrediblySadToo · 27/12/2019 23:21

That’s a man that thinks very little of you.

He hasn’t put any thought into that at all.

I’d put money on this relationship going nowhere.

Sorry

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2019 23:24

What’s he like generally? Thoughtful? Kind? Caring? Does he have a reasonable amount of money to buy stuff?

What I’m getting at is is he a nice and caring man who’s a bit crap at presents? Or is he lazy and does bare minimum in all aspects of your relationship?

coffeeoclock · 27/12/2019 23:25

Yes some people are crap at presents but a toiletry gift set (I'm assuming a cheap one!) is a complete cop out when it's your partner imo.

Why couldn't he just get you a gift card somewhere nice? Much easier and you can get something of value you actually like, that's quite thoughtful imo but I know some people don't like gift cards.

Original poster

Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:29

Well I had noticed he was a bit of a penny pincher generally. We've only been out once in 7 months, generally when we socialise I cook at my house and get arrives empty handed.
I just want to stress I'm by no means ungrateful at the cost involved in the gift. I just think that, particularly at the beginning of a relationship, there should be some passion and spark about wanting to please each other. This Christmas present seems to have put the icing on the cake for me.
By the way, I no this is not a big deal compared to the other topics on here

OP posts:

AbsinthedelaBonchance · 27/12/2019 23:32

They get better - 1985 first Christmas -generic cuddly toy- 2019 thoughtful selection of exactly right presents - things he'd heard me mention, things he knew I'd like. Did he even know you were getting him more than one present?

Wheresmrlion · 27/12/2019 23:33

God I had this once. We went to a shopping centre together to get Christmas gifts, I spent over an hour choosing things he’d like only to find him in the bar watching football. Come Christmas Day I got a generic Boots smellies set, no doubt using his sisters staff discount.

It was a sign of how little he cared and the relationship was over shortly afterwards.

Only you know if it was a panic buy by someone who is otherwise thoughtful and caring or if it really was a lazy I don’t care type gift.

eaglejulesk · 27/12/2019 23:33

Some people are great at gifts, some have no clues. I wouldn't ditch a relationship based solely on this if everything else is good.

Limpshade · 27/12/2019 23:35

Going on your update, I'd say he realised he had to buy you "something" and thought that would do. I can't abide by penny pinching behaviour. It's nothing to do with wealth and all to do with miserliness. This is the time in a relationship when you're supposed to be impressing the other person. I think he might be looking for a meal ticket, sorry.

Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 23:36

I think it might just be a mismatch of how you two 'do' Christmas.
Some couples are very generous and like to do a big Christmas. Some only exchange small gifts, and some dont buy each other presents at all.

It might be worth bringing it up with him, if you dont think he'll get too defensive.

CoffeeCoinneseur · 27/12/2019 23:37

We've only been out once in 7 months, generally when we socialise I cook at my house and get arrives empty handed

You've skipped the exciting dating phase and gone straight into drudgery mode.

The shit Christmas gift is the least of your worries.

Clymene · 27/12/2019 23:37

You've only been out once in 7 months and he turns up for dinner at your house empty-handed?

He's not bad at presents, he's a cheapskate. Ditch him now because if he's this mean in the first flush of romance, it's going to get worse. It better.

Gibbonsgibbonsgibbons · 27/12/2019 23:37

First Christmas with first serious boyfriend & he got me a Disney cuddly toy - hate Disney, hates the toy etc etc.
Reader I married him more than 20 yrs later we don’t buy each other gifts because he still sucks at it but he’s an awesome husband, father & friend

FruitcakeOfHate · 27/12/2019 23:38

Just read the threads on here from women who settled for the 'just crap with presents' and how they feel about how they're treated now they're tethered to the bloke by marriage and kids. You're not overreacting.

We've only been out once in 7 months, generally when we socialise I cook at my house and get arrives empty handed.

Oh, FFS! WHY the fuck are you doing this and putting up with it? This is like ten a penny with these blokes who get women to cook for them a free meal, clean up and shag them, too.

Why is your bar so low? Why do you feel so desperate to have a penis in your life that you're willing to literally pay to have one, because that is what you are doing providing a free meal and shag service for this guy.

He's a thoughtless, tight, lazy cocklodger.

Wheresmrlion · 27/12/2019 23:38

Just read your update. I’d be more worried about his attitude in general. Saving and being careful with money is attractive in a long term partner. Penny pinching, never going out and turning up empty handed at yours expecting dinner and drinks is definitely not attractive and not what I’d be looking for in a life partner.

Bringing over some pasta and cheap wine is not expensive but thoughtful. Getting you a book for Christmas he thought you’d like is not expensive but thoughtful.

Forflipssake2 · 27/12/2019 23:39

I agree with @CoffeeCoinneseur

Original poster

Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:40

Coffeecoinneseur - that was what I feared

OP posts:

FeigningHorror · 27/12/2019 23:41

What @FruitcakeOfHate said. Christmas is irrelevant — why on earth are you in a drudge relationship with this awful man? Why do you think this is all you deserve?

AliMonkey · 27/12/2019 23:41

I was going to say that some people aren't good at gifts and/or just don't see them as an expression of their love - it's the whole "love languages" thing where we all have different ways of showing and wanting to receive signs of love - words, doing things for each other, gifts, quality time and physical affection. For me, doing things for each other and gifts are obvious ways to show love so initially in our relationship I was upset by DH's gifts, but over the years I've realised that he just doesn't see that they matter - but if he shows he loves you in other ways that are important to him then doesn't mean there's an issue.

However, I find "we've only been out once in 7 months, I usually cook at mine and he comes empty-handed" more worrying - seems odd at the start of a relationship to not want to go out and do things together (even if it's a walk in the park or a drink in a café if money is too tight to do anything else).

lborgia · 27/12/2019 23:42

Well given the owner she recieved I'm not sure she should worry about him being defensive.

If he genuinely had good reason for buying it (saw you had same products in bathroom, knows you use something similar) then you've something to work with.

If it was just a panic buy, he didn't ask you for any pointers, does not see the disparity between your effort and his, I'd let him go tbh.

Not because he's not lovely, but because it's TOO BLOODY HARD AND SOUL SAPPING. May or may not be based on 15 years of personal experience.

Mammylamb · 27/12/2019 23:42

DH isn’t always great at buying presents. But he is a great husband and that’s the important thjnf

hazell42 · 27/12/2019 23:42

I think you need to stop stressing that you're not ungrateful .
You have nothing to be grateful about.
Your boyfriend put in zero effort to get you a Christmas gift.
It's not about money. With gifts, it really is the thought that counts. And he didnt bother thinking.
You have been together 7 months and this is probably the best it's going to get.
Up to you if that's enough

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