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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I overreacting to rubbish first xmas present from new boyfriend?

107 replies

Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:14

I've known my current partner for 7 months and put quite a lot of thought into his Christmas presents, picking up on things he has said in conversation etc and getting a selection of things he really likes.
In return I got a toiletries set. I am by no means trying to sound ungrateful but it feels like this is a clear sign there's no spark here from his point of view. I'm really disappointed. Not in the cost or anything like that, but complete lack of imagination or thought.

OP posts:
Original poster
Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:42

This is what I mean - i was hoping i would have a pleasant surprise at Christmas but it seems like a real let down

OP posts:
hazell42 · 27/12/2019 23:43

Sorry
That sounded really harsh, bit I'm annoyed in your behalf

Merryoldgoat · 27/12/2019 23:45

Nope. After your update he’s tight. Out once in 7 months? Fuck that. Why put up with that OP?

Would you go somewhere for dinner without taking something?

My DH and I have managed to get thoughtful gifts for £15 so it’s not about money.

7 months in is early days - you should be out all the time.

Original poster
Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:47

It has been niggling me for a while but I think this present put it in perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
Magenta999 · 27/12/2019 23:48

I could imagine the passion fizzling by 7 years, but if theres nothing there at 7 months that's very disheartening

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 27/12/2019 23:50

Get rid now. And tell him why.

VanGoghsDog · 27/12/2019 23:51

Well I had noticed he was a bit of a penny pincher generally. We've only been out once in 7 months, generally when we socialise I cook at my house and get arrives empty handed.

Nah. Dump.

EmmiJay · 27/12/2019 23:51

You've only been out once and he comes empty handed and I assume you guys do the nookie?... Don't let him treat you like a fwb. Seriously. The shitty gift is the least of your worries for now.

GinNsnowmen · 27/12/2019 23:52

Doesn't seem good

paulinespeaksmanylanguages · 27/12/2019 23:53

Next time, don't invite a new boyfriend home for at least 3 months.

Cooking for him, sleeping with him means you don't know if he really likes you or is finding you merely adequate and putting up with it because he's getting fed, shagged with no effort-it's not even costing him anything.

As someone else said, don't set your bar so low.

FruitcakeOfHate · 27/12/2019 23:54

It's always a losing game to think a tight, thoughtless person is going to change and give you a pleasant surprise. Or to give them more and more chances. You tell him why and he'll talk you round ot giving him more chances. To eventually take advantage of you some more and be thoughtless because this is who he is. Actions speak louder than words. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

Defenbaker · 27/12/2019 23:55

@FruitcakeOfHate - you said it all for me.

OP, this man sounds like a total user. Does he ever show kindness or put you first in any way? Or does he think that you should just be grateful to be in his presence? It seems like you do all the giving, and he does all the taking in your relationship.

sugarplumtum · 27/12/2019 23:55

My first bf got me a r&b CD and busted calendar. Both for about a tenner. Cd was in sale Grin. But at 17 that was thoughtful and very sweet, gifts got worse over time, less thought and caring became exh.
Your guy is already not caring.

I remember one year the dc for Mother's Day got me a couple single chocolate bars and out them in a bag because that way the new I would like them all instead of a box of chocolates. Thought isn't hard

DickDewy · 27/12/2019 23:55

Ooh no. Get rid. He’s definitely not a keeper.

My first Christmas with my now dh, he bought us a trip to Paris for new year. A toiletry set? He’d be consigned to the ‘not even worth remembering pile’.

MoaningMinniee · 27/12/2019 23:56

Um it sounds to me like he's still on 'checking them out for the future' mode. Which rather a lot of my corporate business career orientated ex boyfriends were. Note the 'ex' bit in that.

The one I have stuck with is the one who really thought about it and gave me a really good astronomical telescope and ten tons of Fair Trade Chocolate. That was 25 years ago. He's pretty amazing ... he now gives all our children and their partners something that really fits with their lives - and also some Fair Trade Chocolate!

FruitcakeOfHate · 27/12/2019 23:57

FFS, I have FWB who were more thoughtful.

Duck90 · 27/12/2019 23:57

I agree with coffee

None of this has been fun. He isn’t for you, he sounds boring. Only out once in 7 mth? He sound thoughtless, great catch.

Iamallatsea · 28/12/2019 00:02

Going by your update it’s not just the Christmas gift that’s the problem. If he was kind and generous year round and just lacking in imagination when it comes to gifts that would be different but he just sounds penny pinching. When I say generous I don’t mean necessarily with money but also with attention and time and affection , does he spend time with you, without you being expected to cook and pay for ingredients etc.
There are loads of things you can do for little or no money, if he doesn’t have a lot of available cash. Museums, art galleries, concerts, lectures, events can all be found for free in my local town. We have a cinema where all tickets are £5. Even more free stuff this time of year carol concerts, tree lighting ceremonies, festive trails, walking around some of streets where the houses go all out with decorations, fireworks and special street events ( non ticketed) on NYE. You should be out living your life enjoying the exciting early days of your relationship.
Next year look forward to getting an ironing board cover or tea towels.

Nanny0gg · 28/12/2019 00:02

It's taken 7 months for you to have been seeing this person and you never go out?

Why on earth are you putting up with him? What are you expecting to suddenly happen?

ilovesooty · 28/12/2019 00:04

It isn't a proper relationship.

nettie434 · 28/12/2019 00:04

I totally agree that some people are bad at choosing presents but that doesn't prevent them from being loving and supportive. However, the persistent turning up at your house without any wine/flowers and not taking you out or cooking for you in turn is a really bad sign.

Original poster
Magenta999 · 28/12/2019 00:05

Just wanted to get some opinions, I didn't know if it was me being too sensitive. I just imagined at the start of a relationship it should be exciting and passionate

OP posts:
FruitcakeOfHate · 28/12/2019 00:10

I didn't know if it was me being too sensitive. I just imagined at the start of a relationship it should be exciting and passionate

Your bar is so low a flea could limbo under it. This is a relationship of your being used entirely by a tight, miserable, thoughtless, lazy cocklodger. What is exciting and passionate about some slug showing up at your house with his arms out looking for a free meal and a bunk up?

When people show you who they are, believe them! They don't change or do turn about 'pleasant surprises'.

He's a user.

nicenewdusters · 28/12/2019 00:11

It should be exciting and passionate. But he's not. He's a tight arsed bore who comes round for his tea and sex. Nobody needs a boyfriend that much, surely ?

INeedNewShoes · 28/12/2019 00:14

We've only been out once in 7 months, generally when we socialise I cook at my house and get arrives empty handed.

No way! You can do better than this. This isn’t good enough.