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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked that my sister and her husband are going to give their new baby just her surname?

164 replies

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 12:25

My sister did not change her name on marriage and her and her husband are expecting their first child in November. They plan to give their baby just her surname. Am I alone in thinking this is a bit odd but I am worried for her. Will people assume that the baby is hers from a previous marriage and her husband is the stepfather? Will it be odd for the child?

OP posts:
irishmother · 26/08/2007 22:57

YANBU!!!!! I'm sorry, but I think this is very, very strange and weird! Doesn't her husband have any say in this? Is he henpecked? Does she intend leaving him when the child grows up, and getting full custody? I'd say she definitely wears the trousers in that relationship.
This will be confusing for the child. When he grows up, he'll wonder why his mates have their father's surnames and he hasn't. She is not thinking about her poor child when making this decision.
I kept my maiden name when I got married, but I wouldn't even think about giving my children my surname. It's just not right!

elasticbandstand · 26/08/2007 22:59

mine had both, double barrelled,
she is brave to keep hers and why should baby take his?
which is the nicer surname?

MyMILisDoloresUmbridge · 26/08/2007 23:03

My niece has her mother's surname and not her father's, irishmother. Not one of her friends has ever commented on it! And how could it have anything to do with trying to get custody?

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 23:06

I did say the school published the information list by consent, we all provide the information that is published.
Xenia, I am not sure about any infringement of my sons' biological father's human rights. He does not pay the school fees, he does not drive my son to catch a school rugby match bus at 8am on a wintery Saturday, he does not play in the pupils versus adults cricket match, he does not help his sons with their homework nor does he attend their concerts etc. In fact he sees his sons about 3 or 4 times a year. He lives in Asia and there would not be much point putting his details on the list. If he was an involved parent and was remotely interested, I am sure that two separate contact addresses could be given.
My second son has just left a state primary and they did the same thing with the contact details. Interestingly, he was the only person in a class of over 30 without two married parents who still live together.

OP posts:
Tinker · 26/08/2007 23:09

irishmother - his mates will have all sorts of surnames, as evidenced on this thread. What do you mean, "she wears the trousers"? According to that logic, a child should only have either a double-barrelled name or an amalgamated name to "prove" equality

dreamaway · 26/08/2007 23:11

correct me if i am wrong Caroline, so your son has your surname and not his dads?
If you are so against it why have you given your DS your surname?

I have kept my maiden name and all my DCs have my Surname.I really don't care what other people think about thier parentage. Both my DH and i Know who thier parents are and to anyone who assumes he is stepfather or Mr Dreamaway then we just politely correct them without offering an explantaion...often met with a look of dissaprovement.
If they think it's wrong then thats thier problem. My DCs have certainly never felt different for having my surname. Thier friend's accept them for who they are and not what they are named!
In fact i am having trouble getting my 4yo DD to accept that she actually does have a surname!
It really doesn't matter.

dreamaway · 26/08/2007 23:13

Sorry X posted.

meandmy · 26/08/2007 23:15

it wouldnt bother me, my dd has her dads surname i dont as we are not married at the end of the day the baby will be loved whatever surname it has and your sis may prefer her name as it has been with her a long time!

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 23:21

My sister is the main earner (she kept her name for professional reasons), and I assume her husband will be the stay at home father of their child (he is currently the main carer of her two children from her previous marriage so I am assuming this will carry on after her maternity leave with their new baby). This makes the argument about schools and doctors and things rather silly (sexist of anyone to assume she would be the one at home answering the phone to the doc/school or whatever, perhaps not the best way to rail against a patriarchal society!). I am not particularly worried or outraged about their plans, she has asked me my opinion and I am not really sure about it (for me!) as I have never given this alternative any thinking time. I really am inclined to fib to her and say what a lovely idea, which it may well be, for her. I suppose really I should have also asked dadsnet what they think of the idea. All ask your husbands or partners what they think and I suspect they would hate their children to have a different surname from them.

OP posts:
4mum · 26/08/2007 23:23

my kids have my sirname
and ive got my mums,
confuses people sometimes

Tinker · 26/08/2007 23:24

Well, my partner does have a different surname (as in teh day-to-day one) from his daughter. Couldn't give a toss.

My eldest also has my name, not her dad's - different story.

ThursdayNext · 26/08/2007 23:26

Caroline, the demographics of your sons schools really do seem very unusual.
Will your sister be likely to send her child to private school, or does she live in the same kind of area you do?
Because in the very great majority of schools, I really think the mix of childrens surnames / parents names will be much more diverse.
I liked Xenia's description of how children don't actually pounce on lists looking for two lesbian mothers anyway.
Would suggest maybe your sister doesn't move to Ireland, as irishmother is the only person on this thread who thinks it matters at all.

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 23:32

Dreamaway, My two older sons have their father's surname (which I have kept as I want to be the same as them). My two younger children have their father's surname which is obviously different to mine. So in our house there are three of us with one surname and three with another. I hate it and it is awkward. You should try booking our family summer holiday!

OP posts:
Original poster
Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 23:40

Thursdaynext - LOL will tell her not to move to Ireland . I agree, the demographics of my sons' schools are not typical. She lives abroad in the centre of a big capital City and I am sure that it is not as stuffy as here. However, at some point in the next few years she plans to return to the UK and will probably live in the wealthy commuterbelt - so not irrelevant.

OP posts:
RosaLuxembourg · 27/08/2007 00:58

I find this whole issue of the naming of children utterly bemusing - particularly the investment other people have in what you call yourselves. I kept my name, DH kept his and we double-barrelled the children. I don't think you need to be worried for your sister - why should it matter to her what strangers assume? Most people assume we are not married - but really why should that matter to us? What was really upsetting for us was the fury with which my PIL reacted to what we did and the lack of support from his siblings. She needs you to respect her choice, not question it.

MyMILisDoloresUmbridge · 27/08/2007 00:58

I beg your pardon! I am in Ireland, we are not all cave-people, and as I said below, my dsis gave her dd her surname and no-one has ever once commented!

Carmenere · 27/08/2007 01:05

As another Irish mother I would like to point out that the one below certainly doesn't represent the norm in Ireland

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 01:09

Rosalux - if your PIL reacted badly to your double barreling your names, imagine how badly my sister's PIL might react to her calling their grandchild by only her name?

OP posts:
Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 01:10

Also Rosalux, you say most people assume you are not married and that doesn't matter to you, it might matter to your children. Children are deeply conventional.

OP posts:
RosaLuxembourg · 27/08/2007 01:15

Caroline - maybe it will matter to your DSIS's PIL but that is not her or her DH's problem. If they have decided on a way of naming their family that is right for them, why should anyone else be entitled to interfere?
As for the not married business - maybe my children are not particularly conventional but they don't seem to be at all bothered by the marital status of their various friends' parents - and there are quite a variety of circumstances among them.

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 01:23

Noone is entitled to interfere, of course they should do as they like. But surely no use pretending there will not be upset people on his side. I think it is a shame that people will be upset and my sister will have to deal with their upset. If you go the conventional route there is no fall out.

OP posts:
dogbert · 27/08/2007 01:25

I have two married friends who use their maiden names for themselves and for their DCs. DHs obviously OK with it. I've no idea what the DCs think, they are quite young though (2-6yo). It only bothers me when I have to address both husband and wife separately on letters.

Your school demographics are not so unusual - all of DSs year are living with married parents and there is only one separated couple in DD1s year, although there are two widows. Which I find extroadinary (and sad) given that they are in Reception.

RosaLuxembourg · 27/08/2007 01:29

Caroline - if they go the conventional route there is no public fallout but your sister and her DH have to live with the fact that their children do not have the name that the would have preferred for them. That is quite a lot of private fall-out, believe me. If there is one thing I am grateful for in the 10 years since we made the decision to name our children 'unconventionally' it is that we didn't back down in the face of the vitriol that was being flung at us at the time.

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 01:43

I really don't mind what name she gives her new baby, he/she will be my much loved nephew/neice regardless of his/her surname. If I am worried about this at all it is only for all of them.

OP posts:
ZacharyQuack · 27/08/2007 01:44

I'm married, kept my name, both DDs have my surname. I was quite looking forward to someone being shocked by it, but no one said a word (to my face).

DH is fine with it, in fact he likes my name better than his and would like to change his name too. I've told him he has to earn it .

I don't think kids really pay a lot of attention to other kids' familys' surname combinations. At DD's preschool, the familys were everyone has the same surname are very much in the minority.