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AIBU?

to be shocked that my sister and her husband are going to give their new baby just her surname?

164 replies

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 12:25

My sister did not change her name on marriage and her and her husband are expecting their first child in November. They plan to give their baby just her surname. Am I alone in thinking this is a bit odd but I am worried for her. Will people assume that the baby is hers from a previous marriage and her husband is the stepfather? Will it be odd for the child?

OP posts:

Report

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 15:33

i must be really old fashioned!

OP posts:

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 15:35

She has asked me what i think, and based on what you have all said, i feel inclined to lie and say i think it's a great idea.

OP posts:

tribpot · 26/08/2007 15:38

We were planning to do this if ds had been a girl. Various people were horrified, particularly one friend's mum, who insisted it was "illegal". Some friends of my parents gave their ds the mum's surname and their dd the dad's surname. Because the mum's surname was short of successors (if you see what I mean, all of the cousins on that side were girls) and the other side were short on girls.

Probably more complicated than I could be bothered with now - I had said if mini-trib number 2 (whenever that happy day comes) is a girl, I would give her my surname. Now I think I'll probably just use dh's surname for both. I haven't changed my name.

tribpot · 26/08/2007 15:40

I don't think you have to lie, you can be tactful in expressing your view, and say it's her and her dh's decision at the end of the day but it's not something you would do. Can you explain why, other than you think people will assume dh is the step-father? Most babies look like mirrors of their dad anyway, the only people who have ever told me ds looks like me are the people who've never seen dh!

tribpot · 26/08/2007 15:40

Oh and btw (sorry, triple post). I had a different surname from my mum as she remarried when I was 7. Didn't bother me in the slightest.

foxybrown · 26/08/2007 15:42

The only assumption made is that DP has my surname too. We have 4 DCs, all have my surname and its just not an issue.

berolina · 26/08/2007 15:45

ds's godparents (who are married) have a ds who has his mother's surname. Why on earth should it be a problem? They both liked her surname more than his.

I actually find it quite startling that there are still such deep feelings and aversions around re. children without their father's surname.

MyMILisDoloresUmbridge · 26/08/2007 15:51

Dottydot, when you gave your ds's their surname, did you have to do any special paperwork? Or was it a straightforward case of saying that this is their name?

newlifenewname · 26/08/2007 15:51

My eldest two children from my marriage have a combination of my and exdh's names and my ds2 from my subsequent relationship has my and his dad's surnames so we ALL have different names and only 2 family members share the same surname.

We don't care a jot.

Tinker · 26/08/2007 16:07

We're not married but if we were, i wouldn't change my surname and would do (as we have done) and give my 2nd child both of our surnames but to be known by just mine. I want her to have the same name as her sibling not her dad.

Pruners · 26/08/2007 16:08

Message withdrawn

Tinker · 26/08/2007 16:08

So, yes, yabu.

Tinker · 26/08/2007 16:09

What an odd thing to find odd.

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 16:11

I am quite surprised at the response being the vast majority in favour of the unconventional. Perhaps all the conventional people are clearing up having cooked a proper Sunday roast for their families (who all share the same name).
I prefer my maiden name (her current name) to his name which is double barrelled and tossy but a surname is about more than something that sounds nice isn't it? It is about belonging and personal history. You can yield to your unconventional leanings with the forenames (unless you live in Germany).

OP posts:

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 16:14

Tinker, My sister has two children from her ex husband who both have her ex husband's surname.

OP posts:

Tinker · 26/08/2007 16:16

Maybe she got fed-up with that then, having kids with different names from her.

Judy1234 · 26/08/2007 16:19

Not odd at all. I know women whose husbands have taken their name on marriage. Most modern men and women have no problems with those kinds of things. Some couples I know both go double barrelled with both names and lots of women keep their maiden name for work and professional purposes.

I was happy to take my ex husband's name but I did regard that as a massive concession. I certainly wouldn't change the name since the divorce as I'm much better known for it now than him as it were for work etc and the 5 children have his surname. There isn't an easy fair answer. You could have alternate one child 1 name and the second the next or merge the two names into one.

Perhaps for the next 5000 years men should take women's names just to right all the sexism there has been against women over the years in terms of names, women as property and men wanting to control their property and money through inheritance and hence the need to ensure children have their father's name and indeed are their father's child (many secretly aren't of course but men never find out).

EscapeFrom · 26/08/2007 16:19

I will NEVER take someone elses surname. I am not property.

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 16:26

Escapefrom - But your surname is presumably your father's name or if your mother's , her father's before that so just by having a name you are carrying on convention. It is only your surname because someone gave it to you.

OP posts:

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 16:30

I have no problem whatsoever with women keeping their maiden names for themselves when they marry.

OP posts:

EscapeFrom · 26/08/2007 16:36

That was their choice Caroline. It won't be mine. And until relatively recently, women were property. That doesn't mean I have to continue the trend, any more than I have to wear a skirt.

EscapeFrom · 26/08/2007 16:37

So what is the problem with the woman giving her child her name? What is so special about men that means thier names are the ones that continue, and the woman's can't be passed on?

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Blackduck · 26/08/2007 16:37

In response to OP - its your issue and not your sister's. It obviously matters to you a great deal, for whatever reason, it obviously either doesn't matter to her - or, alternatively, it DOES matter to her, but in a completely different way. In the end its none of your business.

3madboys · 26/08/2007 16:50

i am the same as escape from i wont change my surname to dp's as i am not his property and that is what it signifies.

he is perfectly happy with my decision and our children have a double barrelled surname, luckily our names go well together

my mil however hates that we have done this.

i think its up to your sis and her dh, if they are happy then fine, i dont know why you are so concerned tbh, i dont think people pay that much attention to surnames etc, or think about it that deeply, so i wouldnt expect them to start thinking that the baby was not his, and if they did then thats their problem, not your sisters or the babies

belgo · 26/08/2007 16:54

I have friends who have done this, and I didn't even notice. They gave their children her maiden name because his surname is another word for prostitute

And as I said, I didn't even realise for about two years

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