to be shocked that my sister and her husband are going to give their new baby just her surname?

[Caroline1852]

My sister did not change her name on marriage and her and her husband are expecting their first child in November. They plan to give their baby just her surname. Am I alone in thinking this is a bit odd but I am worried for her. Will people assume that the baby is hers from a previous marriage and her husband is the stepfather? Will it be odd for the child?

[FrannyandZooey]

Who cares? Ds has my surname. If people want to make assumptions because of it I don't really care. Bit small-minded of them to be fussed about it.

[ib]

We also gave ds a surname that is a mixture of dh and mine. Felt unfair to saddle him with what would have been an enormous triple barrelled name if we had given him both our surnames.

[ThursdayNext]

Not odd at all.
By the time the child reaches school age, which will be the first time I guess they will ever really use the surname, there will be all sorts of complicated name / relationship scenarios for the other children in the class.
And anyway, who cares?

[Caroline1852]

My son's class publishes a list at the beginning of the school year of all the children in his year (by form) name, address, name of parents, email address, phone nos by consent this makes it easier for the children to get in touch with one another and for the parents to get in touch with one another to arrange lifts to sports things, social engagements etc. My son, John Brown (not his real name!) says Caroline Brown and Peter Black in the adults column. There is one other family like this (where the mother and son share a surname, like me she is divorced and the man mentioned is a stepfather) and two where the child and the father share a surname but the mother is a different surname (they are not married) out of a year group of 100. Every time I look at it I feel sad for my son for putting him in a position where he is different.

[Caroline1852]

I suspect we are all sensitised by our different circumstances. I think we are long past the idea of being men's property but agree that the requirement/convention that a wife changes her surname to that of her husband is a hangover from our sexist past. Children are not property either. But they do need a surname and unless you have both in some double barrelled form (and then what happens when they themselves have children, is quad-barrelling acceptable?) you need to choose one or other. Perhaps it should be that girls get their mother's surname and boys get their father's surname and nobody is required to change their name on marriage. If everyone did the same then there would be no child feeling odd about their family being different.
I know lots of women who have not taken their husbands' surnames but I don't know one couple who have given their child the woman's surname in isolation.

[emj23]

DS has DP's surname (and LO will too when she arrives) since DP and I intend to get married eventually and then all of us will have the same surname. I didn't see the point of having to faff around changing DS's surname when it does happen, plus I don't particularly like my name enough to want to keep it or give it to anyone else.

However, if this couple are already married and they've made this decision together, that's up to them. It may surprise you a bit, but she must like her surname and want her child to have it too and it really is their decision.

[Pruners]

Message withdrawn

[chocolateteapot]

My children have DH's surname. I use my name for work and my married name for stuff round here. I didn't start using DH's surname until DD started school.

I regret it now actually, I wish they had my surname. His is a PITA to spell and near the bottom of the alphabet.

[fillyjonk]

nooo it is not odd

I kept my surname professionally and dp kept his

informally, and on joint stuff, we have double barrelled our names and that is what both the kids have

There is NO WAY I'd have the kids have just his name, tbh. They are MY kids also and I was the one who went through, in total, 3 days and 1 hour of labour to bring them into the world.

[fillyjonk]

and oooh oooh ooooh can answer on the double barrelled people having kids one, I had a double barelled name as a child

the answer is

you add the bit you like most to your partner's surname

or else

you do something else

honestly, it is nothing to fret about and really not a thing to put you off double barrelling a child's name. They might turn out to be Concerned Women anyway.

[ladymuck]

Tbh for things like schools, doctors etc it can just be easier if the child has the mother's surname. Regardless of how many lists etc there are in a rush a teacher/school secretary/doctor's receptionist etc will assume that if your child is Jack Brown then you are Mrs Brown. So personally I think that if she wishes to keep her name she is being very sensible. I've known a few women who kept their own name after marriage only to later cave in after having children, thereby living with the uncomfortable position of being Mrs Brown outside of work but Ms Joan Collins for work only (and your passport is then never in the right name for the tickets!).

Of course where the father is the person who has the most contact with schools, doctors etc, then the position would be different.

[Botbot]

I once met someone who gave their daughter her surname, and if they had a son he'd have her dp's surname. I thought that was quite quirky and charming.

My dd has dp's surname, partly because my name's a bit rubbish and no one can spell it. In fact, one of the only reasons I quite fancy getting married is so that I can nick his surname. Am big feminist in every other respect!

[yama]

My dd has my name. I would be offended if anyone thought this odd or shocking.

[ThursdayNext]

Caroline, you said they publish a list of the parents names and contact details at your son's school? Is that usual? I don't have school age children yet, but I'm surprised.
Have I got this right, are there really only 4 out of 100 children who have unmarried or divorced parents? Surely that's very unusual? Is it a standard state comprehensive? I thought something like a third of children were now born to unmarried parents.
Even when I was at a Catholic primary school in the early '80s there were several children in a class of 30 whose parents were divorced. Even then the other children really weren't interested.
I'm sure you don't need to worry for your sister or her child, who will surely have thought through the name decision thouroughly. Think this is more about you than about them.

[Judy1234]

The children don't look at those lists though and pounce on them with glee to check who amongst their classmates is illegitimate or living with two lesbians or whatever. I wouldn't let that stop someone choosing a particular name. As a lot of marriages fail anyway giving them the mother's surname arguably means they;re less likely to look wrong on that list and having a step father on the list in my is a big infringement of the real father's human rights, isn't it? How awful to be supplanted by that presumably without the father's consent by the mother pushing her new man, the interloper off as if he were the child's father.

[ThursdayNext]

Xenia, are those lists a private school thing? Your children go to private school, do I remember correctly?
Ah, so does that explain the strange demographics...

[Judy1234]

Yes, it's just the parents' choice to do it. Usually there's a class representative, a mother usually, who fixes a few social events and if you want to be on the list you can. I remember one daughter had a school friend lady somebody or other with a very grand London address which was fun to see. My 8 year old has gone on google earth and searched postcodes of class mates to see from the pictures there if the boy in question has a swimming pool or was just lying etc. But no one has to be on the address list and for some hiding from a violent partner or with security issues because they're famous they would be silly to go on it.

As to whether the higher your income the less likely you are to divorce, I just don't know. I suppose single fathers or mothers may have less income to fund school fees etc.

[chocolatedot]

I think pretty much all private schools publish lists of all the parents names and telephone numbers. I find it invaluable for making playdates, arranging lifts, get togethers etc.

[Judy1234]

Yes, but usually it's the parents who arrange it and any parent can just refuse to pass the details on. I think the schools aren't allowed legally to hand out the addresses etc so you have to get them from the parents themselves direct. Email has made all this easier. We email everything amongst the parents now.

[ruddynorah]

when i married dh i took his surname, but i also kept my maiden name as a middle name which i use in my signature. dh also took my maiden name as a middle name. when we had dd she had the same, my maiden name as middle name, dh's surname as her surname.

now, if she marries and ditches her surname, she will still have my maiden name.

[Ghostlove]

I wish DS had my surname and not my ex's. The really annoying thing is when people (doctors' surgery etc) call.

"Hello, could I speak to Mrs W please?"

"Um, Mrs W is my ex's mother. But if you're looking for DS's name's mum, that's me."

[ThursdayNext]

I'm guessing lists of parents names and details aren't so common at state schools. I guess they may be particularly useful for private schools where children come from greater distances, and perhaps less parents do pick ups.

[Ghostlove]

Just remembered as well; a few months ago I was reading government statistics for 2005, the year my son was born.

According to the official surveys, 40% of babies born in 2005 were born to unmarried mothers.