Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be shocked that my sister and her husband are going to give their new baby just her surname?

164 replies

Caroline1852 · 26/08/2007 12:25

My sister did not change her name on marriage and her and her husband are expecting their first child in November. They plan to give their baby just her surname. Am I alone in thinking this is a bit odd but I am worried for her. Will people assume that the baby is hers from a previous marriage and her husband is the stepfather? Will it be odd for the child?

OP posts:
Idreamofdaleks · 27/08/2007 07:35

I think if the mother and father have different surnames it is sensible and practical to use the mother's name. However this is not the traditional approach.

DD has my name and dp's family were not happy about it.

seeker · 27/08/2007 08:35

My dcs are hyphenated. Both names are quite unusual so they are probably the only people in the world with their name, which so far they find very cool indeed! But I have always said that if at any stage they want to be know by either dp's name or mine then they can. For example, dd's starting secondary school this september, and we talked about whether she wanted to drop one of her surnames them. She didn't.

I think people get confused about the legal situation here. You can actually call yourself anything you like so long as you're not intending to defraud anyone.

cuppa · 27/08/2007 08:47

Are you really shocked? Surprised maybe, or curious? But shocked? I mean If they'd chosen to name the kid stupid twat, I'd understand, but to give it just her name? well, raise an eyebrow if you have to, but I don't think it's anything to be "SHOCKED" about.

seeker · 27/08/2007 08:49

Or if she had decided to call the baby Montezuma-Hitler......

ludaloo · 27/08/2007 08:56

I read the title and was shocked too...as I thought you meant they were going to give the baby a surname as its first and only name (IYSWIM)...I imagined a baby just called "Smith" or "Jones" !!

Now I understand what you mean!!!!

And no it isn't odd I don't think.

Tommy · 27/08/2007 09:23

I thought that too ludaloo!

Also think that it is not unusual these days.

I kept my surname when I got married and the DS are double barrelled (with no hyphen) and quite often (at school particularly) they are referred to as just my name.

Nobody as yet asked me if DH and I are married or if they are my children from a previous marriage. Do you really think people are bothered by things like that any more?

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 11:48

Lots of people double barrel, with or without a hyphen, both parents' surnames. That is not unusual. It is however, unusual to use solely the mother's name where the parents are married, at least it is in my world.
Perhaps shocked was too strong a word. Surprised is perhaps better. I am not anti it .... was just wondering whether it was common (and had somehow passed me by) and whether there were any adverse reactions to it (perhaps things they hadn't thought about).

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 11:52

Caroline - I agree with your last post.

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 12:08

Anna - Hooray, someone who doesn't make me feel like I am a 50s prig! As I remember it, you and your husband are not married, did your DD take your name or your partner's or both?

OP posts:
irishmother · 27/08/2007 12:38

Caroline1852, what does your BIL think about this? I have read all opinions, I have not changed mine - I still think it's very strange.

Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 13:22

Caroline - my daughter has my partner's surname followed by my surname (because they sound much better in that order) with one hyphen in England and two hyphens in France. Silly French laws

squeakybub · 27/08/2007 13:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

macneil · 27/08/2007 13:31

I've done this. Daugher has my surname. I like my name more, and just because a patriarchy is the norm doesn't mean it makes more sense or has to be the rule. The father's surname is her second middle name, not double barrelled. Nor do I really think it matters what's assumed about the baby - if someone assumed her father wasn't her 'real' father but he was doing everything fatherly, what difference would it make?

Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 13:33

Incidentally, Caroline, I wouldn't have wanted my daughter to have had her father's surname only even if we had been married at the time of her birth. I would always have wanted the double-barrelled option. Two of my cousins have gone that route, even though they were married first and totally conventional in every other way

Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 13:36

A question to those of you who think it OK or desirable to give the mother's surname only - do you see this as a victory for matriarchy over patriarchy? As egalitarian? Or anything else?

morningpaper · 27/08/2007 13:37

It's ok to give either name

it doesn't have to be a victory for anything

any other position makes no sense to me

Tinker · 27/08/2007 13:39

It's not a victory for anything. 1st child didn't have contact with her father therefore made no sense to give her his name. 2nd child - I wanted her to have same name as her sister.

prettybird · 27/08/2007 13:41

I let ds have dh's name when his birth was registered. Part of me is a wee bit as I have a very distincitve foreign name, and now it looks like the Scottish branch of it will die out, as I don't thnk my brother is going to have kids.

If I'd been able to have another, I'd have considered giving him/her my name - apart from the fact the siblings would then have different names.

My name is not suitable for double-barrelling with dh's: we did think aobut it, but it sounded like a disease, whichever way round you put it!

One of ds' friends has his mum's name, even though as far as I am aware, she and her dh are married. Never thought twice about it.

macneil · 27/08/2007 13:46

Truly, honestly, I just think it's a victory for the prettier name, and mine is a lot prettier.

I'd say she definitely wears the trousers in that relationship.

A bit shocked by this, too. What on earth does it mean? That the parent with the cock should have the final say? How do we know for sure it wasn't his idea? My husband was very in favour because he thinks my name is cool. He always calls her by her full name or all her initials when he talks to her.

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 15:00

Anna - interesting. Yes I know lots of people who have double barrelled their surnames for their children (both married and unmarried). I do not know what you mean by two hyphens in France? Do you mean Montbazet--Green or am I missing the point entirely (perhaps your name was double barrelled in the first instance, so Montbazet Green-Brown in England but Montbazet-Green-Brown in France?) Sorry if I am being thick.
I am not sure what my BIL thinks. It would appear rather interfering and combative of me to phone him and say and what do you think about your baby not getting your name. I assume he is in full agreement.

OP posts:
Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 15:04

Macneil - your child's name contains her father's name. So you have not done the same thing at all.

OP posts:
macneil · 27/08/2007 15:10

It does contain it, but there aren't many occasions when people will know that. When I'm filling in forms, I usually just put down her first two names, his surname is her third, and friends call her by the first two first names as a sort of sweet formal thing. It's on the birth certificate, but it's not her surname, it's not part of her surname. It's not very far from the same thing, do you think?

Original poster
Caroline1852 · 27/08/2007 15:21

MacNeil - Agree it is similar. I am glad that it does not cause any of you any problems - and especially if it means your DD got the nicer name. I still think it is a bit celebrity!

OP posts:
Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 15:26

Caroline - in France, if you call you child by both its parents' surnames, you must in law/officialdom put in two hyphens to distinguish this from an inherited double-barrelled name.

So, my daughter is called Dupont--Smith (obviously these are not our real names) in France (on her French birth certificate and passport) and Dupont-Smith in England (and on her English birth certificate and passport).

We could, legally, have created a situation in which she was called only Smith in England and only Dupont in France. We actually tried to engineer a name that would be as near as possible the same in both countries AND practicable for both parents to use. In France she has to have her father's surname somewhere (unlike in England).

Anna8888 · 27/08/2007 15:30

Perhaps I should also add that my partner's surname is totally unpronouncable in English (whereas mine is just as easy to pronounce in both languages) and very identifiably Jewish, so an added bonus is that she can use just her much more "passe-partout", workaday surname if she wants.

Swipe left for the next trending thread