AIBU to think people get too wound up and offended over gifts they receive?

[Goatinthegarden]

This isn’t a TAAT, but is inspired by the number of threads I’ve seen about people being really disappointed, offended or upset about gifts received over the Christmas period.

AIBU in thinking that it’s bizarre to get so worked up over gifts?

Gifts are extras to life, not necessities. I never ask for anything, various friends and family give me gifts and some of us have agreements to not give gifts to each other. Both ways are fine by me. If I really, desperately want something, I will save up and treat myself, not rely on someone else to get it for me.

Sometimes I absolutely love the gifts I’m given, other times I receive with thanks and then quietly give the gift away/return it. Sometimes gifts are really thoughtful, other times, not really.

I usually put lots of thought into my gifts and I do love choosing things for others. However, I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I have at times also dashed out and grabbed a candle and a naice bar of choc as a last minute thought (for what it’s worth, I love candles and posh choc!). Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but life can be exhausting sometimes!

Surely it is about how the gift giver treats you the rest of the year, rather than whether they managed to choose something ‘acceptable’?

I’m really keen to hear opinions either way!

The vote:
Vote yes: Gifts are really important
Vote no: Gifts are not important

I wish gift giving wasn't a 'thing' between adults. I am currently pg with my first DC, I honestly wouldn't have minded just buying for friends kids with nothing in return over the years.

Me and dp don't do presents with each other as is all comes out of the same por anyway. I would be furious if he spent a shit load on me, we are meant to be saving!

Yanbu op

On and for what it’s worth, DH and I do not buy each other presents.

Many of our friends and family seem to think is a bit odd, but it takes away a lot of stress at a busy time of year and frees up cash for the otherwise very expensive festive period.

@Igotthemheavyboobs I agree - it seems so silly to blast through shared finances at an already expensive time of year on extravagant, and not necessarily needed gifts for each other!

YANBU.

I have no family except very elderly DGPs, and due to leaving marriage because of DA I'm in a new part of the country with no friends.

At this time of year especially, I really have remind myself that problems are all relative to the person experiencing them, or else I'd feel really quite bitter at the things people get upset about...not getting the perfect Xmas present being one of them!

I wholeheartedly agree the combination of deeply psychoanalysis on the state of relationships by which gift is given combined with the entitled way others just dismiss the gifts from their partners is not good. Neither of these are really portraying women in a good light.

I completely agree OP, I also think people forget that it's likely that they at some point will have given a gift that didn't quite hit the spot but dont seem to make allowances for others.

I think gifts in the right scenario can be lovely but taking offence over things like price and wrapping cheapens the whole thing.

I went onto Facebook and the amount of "unwanted " gift sellers was depressing ...couldn't they have found a more diplomatic way of saying it. Also I follow a beauty group and loads of "is this real? " posts about gifts...cant you just enjoy it without needing to prove its expensive/rare special?

I used to know someone who would be obsessive about "fairness"in gifts she received and would be vocal if she felt you had spent less than she had. Frankly we all stopped giving gifts and told her why, she really couldn't see why it was so unpleasant.

My rule is give for the receiver and not for a return gift. If you do that then what happens after that is nothing to do with you. Wither give with good grace or dont give at all.

I think a lot of the upset comes from the sheer lack of thought and/or insensitivity. Like the giver really couldn't give one shiny shit about you - in which case they are only doing it out of obligation.

They'd be better of not bothering at all, as that would be less upsetting than for a recipient to know they were a begrudged purchase.

@hopoindown31 it’s insane. I’ve seen loads of threads slating a partner for not getting a ‘good enough’ gift and stating the relationship must be on its last legs.

Buying thoughtful individual presents for everyone you are socially obligated to gift to is a hugely time-consuming activity that most employed people simple don't have the time to do in the run up to Christmas.

So I'm sorry if my Boots 3 for 2 has offended someone but I'd be more than happy to strike you off the gift list if you'd prefer.

YANBU I m sick of reading about adults behaving like spoilt brats on here. Be grateful for what you receive and if you can’t be makes rule not to bother in the future. All the angst and stress could so easily be avoided.

@HeadLikeAFuckinOrange sorry to hear you’re having a hard time! I hope 2020 treats you better!

It depends imo. Some people use gifts to hurt - diet books when you’ve shown no interest in dieting, alcohol for someone with a known drink problem, an aggressively bland / impersonal thing for a spouse. I don’t think you have to be Freud to see that. That’s very different from the “here are some chocs/flowers/candles” brigade.

Fwiw I have one good friend who always gets in wrong with me - vouchers for shops I’ve never been in, alcohol I don’t drink etc. But I know it’s done with love and the best will so it doesn’t matter at all.

For example, I was really delighted with a butter dish that was given to me because the giver heard me bemoaning the lack of one earlier in the year. They took that little grumble and filed it away to give me something they knew I wanted and would like.

Compared to someone buying me a fancy bath bomb when they know full well I haven't had a bath in over 30 years (because I hate them). They could have easily bought me the shower gel next to it on the shelf but just didn't bother to think about me, the person they know, for 5 seconds.

I agree with you. I couldn’t really care less if I get a gift I don’t like, although I stopped doing presents (by mutual agreement - and relief) with a few family members after it became obvious we really didn’t have a clue what to get each other and were wasting our money.
If I get something I won’t use I sometimes slip it off to charity or give it away, and I don’t mind the thought that others might do the same with my gifts.
That said, my impression on here is that a ‘bad’ gift (or no gift) is sometimes indicative of an unhappy situation more generally.

@hopoindown31 it’s insane. I’ve seen loads of threads slating a partner for not getting a ‘good enough’ gift and stating the relationship must be on its last legs.

It is the annual reminder of how MN is such a nice safe space for women that they feel comfortable enough to tell us all about how horrible they are to the men in their lives. There are plenty of examples of how shit behaviour by men makes us miserable on here, you'd have thought that we might have learnt something from that.

Buying thoughtful individual presents for everyone you are socially obligated to gift to is a hugely time-consuming activity that most employed people simple don't have the time to do in the run up to Christmas.

Rubbish. I'm employed full time and I managed it quite easily. Its not like shops are only available one month a year and you are only allowed to go in person.

I do like giving presents and like receiving presents (who doesn't?). But what I don't really like is being asked what I want, me telling them, and then being given something different. Why ask if you aren't going to listen? Kind of just builds up a hope of 'cool I'm going to get x and I really need it' and then don't get it.

And some people just don't seem to care about your interests. If you don't like me enough to learn that, why are you spending money on me? I wouldn't go and buy someone football tickets if I didn't know what team they support or if they even like football. It's just stupid and wasteful.

Sometimes it's obvious there's not much thought gone into gifts and from a partner or close family member I can see why what might hurt a little.

I don't understand all the analysing of relationships based on what someone has bought you though. It's more likely your mother in law chucked in a nice bubble bath last minute because she's the sort of person who buys presents and then adds little extras last minute (some hit the spot and others don't) than she's making a big dig about your personal hygiene and pointing out she doesn't rate the toiletries in your bathroom.

If someone had given thought to me and given me something they genuinely thought I'd like, I'd never be offended. But some people's behaviour surrounding gifts is admittedly a little strange.

A friend of mine got a cheque from her DH every Christmas. She earned a very good salary and was well capable of buying things for herself. I'd have been so disappointed were I her (and although she made light of it I'm pretty sure the same was true of her).

The present thing became a standing joke between DH and me. My now estranged sister-in-law dislikes me but doesn't have the gumption to air whatever her grievance is, and so instead took every opportunity to send me a passive-aggressive gift each Christmas. Most resembled cracker toys, and I was highly diverted one year to receive a child's bracelet (one of the elasticated variety).

I was thrilled one year to contemplate my revenge when I discovered a bar of 'Lady Macbeth's Guest Soap' in the literary gifts company.
Perhaps fortunately for all concerned we had long since given up the pretence and had stopped exchanging 'gifts' by then!

Rubbish. I'm employed full time and I managed it quite easily. Its not like shops are only available one month a year and you are only allowed to go in person.

Cool for you. I have a life and a blended family of 6 kids as well and don't want to be spending 12 months a year browsing for Xmas presents in my free time thanks.

It depends imo. Some people use gifts to hurt - diet books when you’ve shown no interest in dieting, alcohol for someone with a known drink problem, an aggressively bland / impersonal thing for a spouse. I don’t think you have to be Freud to see that. That’s very different from the “here are some chocs/flowers/candles” brigade

I’ve never had a gift from someone that is intended to hurt (at least not that I have noticed). I think though, a passive aggressive gift is indicative of a much bigger problem and therefore is t about the gift per se....

NB. 'Lady Macbeth's Guest Room Soap' had 'out damned spot' printed in red across the front of the package. Oh how apt ...

YANBU. My FIL bought me a cheap spice rack knowing I am not the cook of the house but I am looking forward to the lovely food my DH cooks with it

I think many people get upset at the wasted money that they know someone has spent on a gift that they won’t use. And then at having to tell a white lie about liking it when they say thanks. It does actually throw some people into an uncomfortable and weirdly guilty mood so they would rather just not partake of the whole nonsense.

I can’t stand people moaning about a gift because they think the other person hasn’t spent enough or put the right amount of thought in. I’ve had thoughtless presents before and rather than feel offended I’ve just felt “this is silly, why are we bothering at all?” And just laughed it off.

Cool for you. I have a life and a blended family of 6 kids as well and don't want to be spending 12 months a year browsing for Xmas presents in my free time thanks.

OK you win the competition for hardest life going for sure.

Merry Christmas!