AIBU to think people get too wound up and offended over gifts they receive?

[Goatinthegarden]

This isn’t a TAAT, but is inspired by the number of threads I’ve seen about people being really disappointed, offended or upset about gifts received over the Christmas period.

AIBU in thinking that it’s bizarre to get so worked up over gifts?

Gifts are extras to life, not necessities. I never ask for anything, various friends and family give me gifts and some of us have agreements to not give gifts to each other. Both ways are fine by me. If I really, desperately want something, I will save up and treat myself, not rely on someone else to get it for me.

Sometimes I absolutely love the gifts I’m given, other times I receive with thanks and then quietly give the gift away/return it. Sometimes gifts are really thoughtful, other times, not really.

I usually put lots of thought into my gifts and I do love choosing things for others. However, I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I have at times also dashed out and grabbed a candle and a naice bar of choc as a last minute thought (for what it’s worth, I love candles and posh choc!). Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but life can be exhausting sometimes!

Surely it is about how the gift giver treats you the rest of the year, rather than whether they managed to choose something ‘acceptable’?

I’m really keen to hear opinions either way!

The vote:
Vote yes: Gifts are really important
Vote no: Gifts are not important

@Ijustwanttoretire I think you’re right. I am also equally bemused by the adults who post pictures of their Christmas presents!

@boxedwine That’s a good point! I wonder if the recipient would feel better about the relationship if they had received an amazing present?

I agree in a lot of cases. But I don't think it's unreasonable to be upset if your husband hasn't
bothered to listen to what you like. No matter how bad someone supposedly is at thinking of gifts, surely you would have to be hard of thinking too to get a bottle of wine for someone who doesn't drink, etc. Let's not excuse this with 'oh he's just not very good at getting presents'. No, he didn't care enough to engage his brain and just wanted to a tick a box and didn't really care whether you liked it or not. That is what hurt, nothing to do with how much something costs, etc.

I like receiving bath sets. I like baths. I like receiving chocolates. I like them too. These are the only presents I ever get. Fine with me.

Depends what you mean. If you got a charity donation from second cousin Harold and you would have preferred a gift voucher then yes you're being spoilt. If your mum got your sister a beautiful antique necklace exactly matched to her taste and she bought you a body shop gift pack with no explanation of course that will be hurtful. If your husband bought a box of chocolates when you're lactose intolerant and you always get him thoughtful gifts then I can see why you're hurt.

@Dipsydoodle

Exactly I hate the "he's no good at presents" excuse when a husband buys something incredibly thoughtless (e.g. hair clips from Claire's accessories designed for 10 year olds). No one that stupid manages to hold down a job and live independently. If he really couldn't get your taste he could ask a friend or family member or just get you a voucher to treat yourself.

Such a simplistic explanation. Most normal people have relationships which are important to them and being treated nicely by people is important. It has nothing to do with low self esteem or social media.

Does being treated nicely have to mean an amazing present though? I know quite a few people who get super stressed by buying gifts. Why should my satisfaction at them getting me an amazing gift be more important than them stressing about getting it right. Of course I could always tell them what it is I cosset most, but then are they putting in sufficient effort to make me feel special?!

I wonder if the recipient would feel better about the relationship if they had received an amazing present?
One nice gift isn't going to save a bad relationship but if even at Christmas when it's an obvious chance to put some effort in, when there's a break from day to day life someone still doesn't bother to put any effort in it can be the final nail in the coffin. If they made an effort it might give you hope then when the stress of everyday life is lifted things might improve.

Does being treated nicely have to mean an amazing present though? I k

If a nice present is important to that person treating them nicely would include putting a little bit of thought and effort in to the gift yes. Hardly rocket science.

I wish gift giving wasn't a 'thing' between adults.

This. It becomes so ridiculous and stressful and it's quite embarrassing when you're on a low income and gifting someone very well off. SO much must go to waste.

@PopCakes Absolutely. It's this kind of strategic incompetence and infantilising men that drives me
bonkers. Assuming no learning difficulties, it's not exactly too much to expect that when buying a gift for your wife, you buy something that they actually have some interest in. But yet it seems to be accepted that someone who can quite happily manage to hold down a job, live in society, etc. is somehow unable to put two and two together, and in some cases it's some sort of charming quirk. It's lazy and thoughtless, nothing more.

That's very different from getting you something thoughtful that isn't quite right, of course.

I think it depends because it can be a barometer for the relationship between the gift givers.

My other half for example, is hopeless at gift giving. In the early days of our relationship I was a bit hurt because his gifts were pretty thoughtless. I on the other hand gave him really thoughtful gifts that I put a lot of time and effort in to.

At first I worried that this meant he didn't really know me or care about what I liked or disliked. What I realised in time however was that he just didn't have a gift giving bone in his body, and he wasn't bothered about gifts he received either. His mind doesn't work like that, there is no intent behind his gifts.

So in that case, I let it go.

On the other hand I've known people who expect thoughtful gifts they'll love from me, but don't bother to reciprocate the same amount of effort. And I'm not a difficult person to buy for at all. In those cases I felt a bit aggrieved as it feels like they get very upset if I don't behave in a certain way, but don't care to hold themselves to the same standard.

I've also had the passive aggressive gift giver, who gives stuff in order to change the sort of person that I am because they don't like me the way I am. I think I was right to be upset by that.

So I think it's complicated and totally different depending on the intentions of the person in question.

Someone told me all over their Facebook (I don't have it) was a huge braggy post that their OH had given them a diamond ring and proposal, then started asking what others had got from their other halves. Why can't these things be private?!

Why should my satisfaction at them getting me an amazing gift be more important than them stressing about getting it right. Of course I could always tell them what it is I cosset most, but then are they putting in sufficient effort to make me feel special?!

Why are you over complicating things so much? If you're stressing that much just ask them what they'd like or get them a voucher for their favourite shop. People can tell when you've given it some thought and that's what counts. If you try but don't quite get it right that's fine. If it's a distant relative or friend you could suggest not doing gifts. What's insulting is when someone who should know you well gives you something obviously unsuitable because they haven't bothered.

My gran used to get me a £10 voucher for M&S when I was a student it was lovely I'd go and treat myself to some posh food. She also used to save my favourite flavour of opal fruit and put them in a little tin. It wasn't expensive but was such a lovely thoughtful gesture.

I think part of the problem is that people get trapped in gift-giving loops with adults they don't know all that well. So people buy perfectly nice gifts that won't be used because they aren't the recipient's type of thing, or they're allergic to them.

The answer is to rein in this type of gift-giving. It doesn't solve the problem of getting thoughtless gifts from those who do know you well, but it would reduce the amount of money wasted on overpriced generic stuff.

But it isn't just putting some effort in inacheeseandpickle. As I pointed out, some people are not very good at present buying and even if they are, they might make mistakes. The example I gave is of a person who did put care into mine but the outcome was still something I really didn't want to happen.

Then for some people it's not actually possible to buy them something they want. What's inflexible is the assumptions you're making: that making an effort necessarily results in a present that will be welcomed. That's simply untrue.

Essentially, we need to get past the idea that love and regard for someone are measured by the ability to express that in the form of a thing they would like, through whatever purchasing and budgeting options are open to you. Because it's bollocks.

She also used to save my favourite flavour of opal fruit and put them in a little tin. It wasn't expensive but was such a lovely thoughtful gesture.

that's so lovely!

Does being treated nicely have to mean an amazing present though? I k

If a nice present is important to that person treating them nicely would include putting a little bit of thought and effort in to the gift yes. Hardly rocket science.

Well, you’ve said it’s not rocket science, but you’ve ignored the bit where I’ve asked if sourcing the gift causes the giver undue stress, is it worth it just for your satisfaction, if they otherwise treat you nicely.

Sometimes the adults are worse than the kids. I can't believe I am reading some of this spoilt brat like stuff from Adults!

Anyway everyone is different in relation to gift exchanging at Christmas. I can't see the point of it for adults at all, but I do not wish to demean those who DO see a point in it all.

Our entire family only buys or gifts cash up to the age when kids (nieces, nephews, etc.) are finished full time education and are working themselves. It works really well for us. Everyone is happy and it has been mutually agreed with no rancour at all. A good few sighs of relief though!

DH and I don't buy for each other either. Just glad to have each other around still. It is pointless anyway if the cost comes out of the mutual pot!

I don't think gifts that I receive are all important but I do put a lot of thought in to buying for others. What do you think of this scenario? My daughter lives and works abroad in the Middle East. She visits London for a few days each Christmas. She used to rent out her London home but last year the tenants vacated and they began a renovation project with a view to moving back one day. I bought her a set of small pretty coffee cups with a pictures on each of a fox, a badger, a hare and a deer. To my mind that was both practical and gave a nod to her soon to be reclaimed " roots". This year, a whole year later, they were returned to me in a carrier bag with no comment. I came across them after she had left my house. It really hurt my feelings, I would have thought she could have just given them to a charity shop rather than being so dismissive. I suspect IABU !
She can be quite rude, as in abrupt.

As I pointed out, some people are not very good at present buying and even if they are, they might make mistakes.

No one here has suggested they need to get a perfect, magical present. They simply have to put some effort in. That could involve asking the person or simply looking at what they buy themselves. They don't wear perfume? Don't buy them perfume! They never drink tea and have two teapots already don't get them another teapot! I think the "not good at giving presents" is a cop out when the gift they chose is obviously stupid (e.g. chocolate for a wife who doesn't like chocolate and is lactose intolerant.).

Why are you over complicating things so much?
Sorry, I was just keeping the discussion going because I think it’s interesting.
As I said in my first post, I enjoy buying presents. But I know some people who stress over it and I feel sorry for them.

I had an ex who bought presents that could have been described as thoughtless, but he had a lot of other things going on, and present buying wasn’t his top priority. He was genuinely trying. I have read some posts in the last few days from people slating presents they have been given and felt a bit sorry for the gift giver. We really don’t know how hard they tried or didn’t try. Maybe they were genuinely pleased with their efforts.

My gran used to get me a £10 voucher for M&S when I was a student it was lovely I'd go and treat myself to some posh food. She also used to save my favourite flavour of opal fruit and put them in a little tin. It wasn't expensive but was such a lovely thoughtful gesture.
Those are both lovely gifts!

@MoanyAnna

Wow that's really mean. I am guilty of donating generic gifts from distant relatives (bath sets always go to the local women's refuge, toys to a children's charity etc) as I know they won't remember what they gave anyway. A thoughtful gift like that, even if it wasn't quite to my taste would be kept and cherished because of the thought that went into it.

I didn't say the presents had to be perfect and magical, but it's also perfectly possible to devote time and thought yet still give a gift that the recipient doesn't even particularly welcome, let alone like. Having made an effort and not done anything obviously stupid like buying milk chocolate for a vegan quite simply doesn't guarantee this wont happen.

Especially as, again, some people don't actually want anything. Others amongst us think being asked what you want is pretty pointless, and it would make more sense for most of us just to get what we want ourselves rather than expending energy in the charade of mutual giving. You don't have to agree with either perspective to understand that such people exist, and that their existence means it's not a question of just put some effort in.

@Goatinthegarden

If someone had a genuine anxiety about giving gifts they could explain and request they no longer exchange gifts. If they're just unsure about what to give surely they could just ask? I think the offence usually comes when a thoughtless gift is given by someone who should know you well (e.g. a partner). Or a gift is deliberately selfish (e.g. if I bought DH two tickets to my favourite band who he has no interest in). If someone has put some effort into a gift but not got it quite right the thought should still be appreciated.

I agree. When people have to buy so much crap there isn't time to communicate something personal through the medium of a shop bought item every single time

I do my best.