AIBU to think people get too wound up and offended over gifts they receive?

[Goatinthegarden]

This isn’t a TAAT, but is inspired by the number of threads I’ve seen about people being really disappointed, offended or upset about gifts received over the Christmas period.

AIBU in thinking that it’s bizarre to get so worked up over gifts?

Gifts are extras to life, not necessities. I never ask for anything, various friends and family give me gifts and some of us have agreements to not give gifts to each other. Both ways are fine by me. If I really, desperately want something, I will save up and treat myself, not rely on someone else to get it for me.

Sometimes I absolutely love the gifts I’m given, other times I receive with thanks and then quietly give the gift away/return it. Sometimes gifts are really thoughtful, other times, not really.

I usually put lots of thought into my gifts and I do love choosing things for others. However, I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I have at times also dashed out and grabbed a candle and a naice bar of choc as a last minute thought (for what it’s worth, I love candles and posh choc!). Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but life can be exhausting sometimes!

Surely it is about how the gift giver treats you the rest of the year, rather than whether they managed to choose something ‘acceptable’?

I’m really keen to hear opinions either way!

The vote:
Vote yes: Gifts are really important
Vote no: Gifts are not important

I haven't seen anyone genuinely upset that they got the wrong colour handbag or wrong phone upgrade. I've seen people asking for advice when they've got an expensive gift that isn't quite right because they appreciate the lovely gesture and are not sure whether they would be rude to exchange it for something they'll use.

I don't really get it. However, in my family we have never done presents for adults. MY mum and dad get me, my sister and brother a present, but thats all adults wise. I have actally had a row with my parents before for buying them a gift! They reckon they would rather tha grandkids got more, and they are happiest with just a card, which is fair enough. Makes it much easier just bying for kids too, especially as we have an even number each too!

It seems theres more arguments/whinging over presents recvieved by adults, than by kids..so kind of glad we skip that part! One of my mates had a blazing row with their sister yesterday on FB as they had got a present for her but she didn't get one for them (hell, shes been in bloody intensive care for near the whole month, so they were lucky she managed to get anything for their kids, let alone them!)..just seems so pointless.

The view I’m getting from lots of conversations on MN is that people are getting upset over receiving a gift because it’s not what they wanted. Often it sounds over analysed or spoiled.

Can you point to a single thread that has happened in? The posts I've seen are where partners have clearly put not effort in, or there have been unequal gift giving among close family or friends. Or someone who should be putting more effort in has clearly just bought a bit of tat.

It’s never the gift itself, it’s what the choice tells you about the giver and their relationship with you.

Also, lists are an excellent idea. I got exactly what I wanted this year bc I issued lists to loved ones. I’m happy.

There has been some very selfish, self centred, ungrateful arseholes posting about their gifts over the last few days. I hope for humanity’s sake they are trolls

I agree... and disagree.

I think where there is a genuine mistake, sometimes we all get it wrong. I've certainly had presents where I've searched for something, thought really hard, for one of the children and they've not been impressed at all. Not in an ungrateful way, but just in a not interested in that at all.
If you receive a gift like that, thank them, and move on. There are times when perhaps letting them know it's not your ideal, if they're likely to repeat it.

However there are times when the present seems to signify the giver's inner feelings about the receiver.
If you already feel the person thinks of you as the bottom of the heap, finding a sticker on the bottom saying "buy one get one free" or "reduced to 50p" can make the receiver feel that it was deliberately done to make a point.
Sometimes this will be true, other times it's more that the receiver feels that way rather than the giver thinks that way. It may be the giver is using it to make a point (I gave a noisy, irritating relative's toddler dc recorders one year. I thought that was very apt )
After all "buy one get one free" may mean that the present was twice as much as they'd usually spend, so you've got something better, not that you have the free one.

Another one is a giver who is always moaning about other presents, but puts no thought in themselves.
I remember one year one family member made a scene because their MIL had brought them some wine glasses. She'd been round to their house two weeks ago and they'd not had enough wine glasses. So it should have been a good present, yes? No. How could she have been so stupid not to know that they'd gone out and bought some more on Christmas Eve. A whole monologue was held on the stupidness of getting someone wine glasses and how thoughtless she was...
Then they had only got half the people presents because they hadn't had time, and those they had got presents had got things like 1 tea-towel out of a set of three. They hadn't even attempted to hide that they'd done that.

@ThreeAnkleBiters

That's fine but for other people getting a thoughtful gift at Christmas and birthdays is something they look forward to - your way of doing things isn't the only way.

I know my way isn’t the only way....I’ve invited a discussion so I e left to hear ideas contrary to my own!

It seems like putting a lot of emotional energy into a wrapped up surprise once a year is asking for heartache though....

Surely better to judge relationships and how much people care about you by how the treat you all year round, no?

It’s never the gift itself, it’s what the choice tells you about the giver and their relationship with you.

Exactly. Some couple don't do gifts and that's fine, if however you've been married 20 years you'd expect your partner to know whether or not you'd appreciate a thoughtful gift and have some stab at what you might like. eg. if your husband of 20 years knows you rarely wear perfume and only a particular type and gets you the first bottle of perfume he comes across that's thoughtless. If he knows you love earrings and buys you a pair that are just not quite right it's still a nice thought

It seems like putting a lot of emotional energy into a wrapped up surprise once a year is asking for heartache though....

Why? I like getting something thoughtful (doesn't need to be expensive) at Christmas from DH, we treat each other well all year round but it's nice to have something to look forward to and part of that is putting some effort into a gift. I'm not sure why this is so hard for you to understand.

All that expense and energy that women out into gift giving to their husband's families, only to be named as worst gift givers on MN and FB - SILs and MILs are the worst offenders apparently.

It seems like putting a lot of emotional energy into a wrapped up surprise once a year is asking for heartache though....

It's not that complicated surely? Life is busy and it's easy to get caught up in the day to day. It's nice once or twice a year to take the time to do something extra for your partner/friends/loved ones. People often feel guilty treating themselves randomly Christmas is a nice opportunity to do do a little extra. I'd happily forgo gifts from distant relations etc but enjoy it with people I'm close to (if I don't know what they like I just ask).

"I haven't seen anyone genuinely upset that they got the wrong colour handbag or wrong phone upgrade. I've seen people asking for advice when they've got an expensive gift that isn't quite right because they appreciate the lovely gesture and are not sure whether they would be rude to exchange it for something they'll use."

I do find it that very rude tbh. If you're that picky, just don't exchange gifts.

All that expense and energy that women out into gift giving to their husband's families, only to be named as worst gift givers on MN and FB - SILs and MILs are the worst offenders apparently

Who does that? I'v never seen a post complaining about a gift from someone who put effort in - only when it's clearly a bit insulting. e.g. a diet book or out of date chocolates.

I do find it that very rude tbh. If you're that picky, just don't exchange gifts.

I don't. If I got my husband an expensive gift e.g. laptop but he could use a slightly different one I'd be fine with him telling me and swapping. I wouldn't ask for the receipt if someone gave me bath stuff that wasn't quite what I like using - I'd just donate it.

Who suggested you should? It takes about 2 minutes to look online to buy something a little thoughtful for the people you really love.

The problem with this is that, as well as expecting the people you love to express their regard in the same way as you do, speak the same love language, it also presumes competence. And that your loved ones actually want anything.

Some people are just not that good at present buying, or not that good at it for some people. It's possible to be thoughtful and get it wrong. The odds are that you have done this yourself at some point.

A couple of years ago I was given an Amazon voucher, by a relative who knows I shop online a lot. As it happens I boycott Amazon, and get most stuff second hand, but the relative doesn't use Amazon and thought it was just the thing people online shopped on. It was actually a thoughtful present and effort had been made, it was just wrong. Money given to Amazon on my behalf is exactly what I didn't want.

Equally, I know some people who just do not want to actually engage in the mutual present swapping process. Whatever you get for them is by definition not thoughtful.

One can of course ask what the person's favourite whatever is, but many of us think that gets pretty pointless. Just give them the cash. This also gets more difficult as so many of the things that have been typically given as Christmas presents aren't necessarily wanted any more (books when the person has a kindle) or are edibles and smellies that are available all year round and not really Christmas specific now.

Who does that?

plenty. I quit drinking / became vegan, so traditional wines and chocolates are wrong, i don't like or need candles/pens/diaries, oh, and bath sets can totally fuck off.

I do find it that very rude tbh. If you're that picky, just don't exchange gifts.

I pretty much refuse to buy anything for MIL, she goes one step further and gives it back to us. She has a Christmas birthday too and does get quite a few boxes of biscuits/chocolates this time of year, but she handed us back the box of chocolates on Wednesday and has moaned about the box of biscuits.

She is 88, choices are limited. I should have said that the walking frame caddy we got her was her Christmas present, she at least is appreciating that (after the initial moan)

I agree that it's not so much the gift that people are upset with, but the message that the giver has given by choosing it. DC2 got 2 gifts from one of her GP's that are just totally age inappropriate and she won't use at all. I would never say anything, and they will be quietly regifted, but the lack of thought is hurtful, especially as we know their other grandkids are favoured over our DC anyway. This just reinforces those feelings.

it's never really about the actual gift though, is it?

PP have gone in to the details of why so I'm not going to repeat it. I love presents, i definitely love giving them and do put a lot of thought into the things i get DH and the DCs. This year was relatively easy because I got them festival tickets, but one has a birthday next week and wanted their ticket for that present, as they (and I) love getting and giving presents. the other DC is going for a zero waste lifestyle, so we gave them small things that are the type of thing they get for themself but maybe a better, posher, more quriky version.

Got DH some great things that i know he wanted/needed. and he absolutely outdid himself and gave me possibly one of the best presents I've ever had. It wasn't outrageously expensive (and we are ok for money so I'm aware that it would be hugely extravagant and needless expense for a lot of people). A complete surprise but blimey. I'm still grinning now.

But then we do also pass lists of stuff round so everyone knows what we want. And if it should be something specific (nothing worse than having not quite the right thing, after all) we send links. It took me a fair bit of time to train the DH to know that i want everything (really, i love so many things) and that he gets a massive list because i want what i want but i also want a surprise - i don't expect anywhere near everything on the list.

But we're all different.

"I don't. If I got my husband an expensive gift e.g. laptop but he could use a slightly different one I'd be fine with him telling me and swapping. I wouldn't ask for the receipt if someone gave me bath stuff that wasn't quite what I like using - I'd just donate it."

Well, with husbands it's a little different because I don't feel like I need to be particularly polite with him and we can be honest. Anyone else, I prefer to just be gracious.

Quite often I think it's about the OH (usually) having been useless and awful all year, and the poster has hoped there might be some thoughtful gift so she could feel less unappreciated just this once. Same with Valentine's Day, birthdays, sometimes Mother's Day. It becomes sort of a representation of the underlying feelings of being unloved. Obviously in those cases a nice new handbag or whatever would be a sticking plaster.

Some people can only value themselves if others do too - therefore a crap gift means they, the recipient, is considered worthless by the giver. Ergo, they see themselves as worthless. This seems to be more prevalent nowadays, I wonder if it is just an extension of the SM phenomenon of being desperate for 'likes' on their posts?

therefore a crap gift means they, the recipient, is considered worthless by the giver

A crap gift genuinely given with love and thought (even if misguided) will be recognised for what it is. A gift given any thought of the recipient whatsoever will also be recognised for what it is.

They are very different things.

And its got sod-all to do with social media.

The problem with this is that, as well as expecting the people you love to express their regard in the same way as you do, speak the same love language

It's just putting some effort in. I'm not that bothered about gifts but DH is. I make sure I think about something he would like and choose something carefully. I don't think anyone's so inflexible that they can't make a bit of effort for someone they love even if it is't their style normally.

Some people can only value themselves if others do too - therefore a crap gift means they, the recipient, is considered worthless by the giver. Ergo, they see themselves as worthless. This seems to be more prevalent nowadays, I wonder if it is just an extension of the SM phenomenon of being desperate for 'likes' on their posts?

Such a simplistic explanation. Most normal people have relationships which are important to them and being treated nicely by people is important. It has nothing to do with low self esteem or social media.