AIBU to think people get too wound up and offended over gifts they receive?

[Goatinthegarden]

This isn’t a TAAT, but is inspired by the number of threads I’ve seen about people being really disappointed, offended or upset about gifts received over the Christmas period.

AIBU in thinking that it’s bizarre to get so worked up over gifts?

Gifts are extras to life, not necessities. I never ask for anything, various friends and family give me gifts and some of us have agreements to not give gifts to each other. Both ways are fine by me. If I really, desperately want something, I will save up and treat myself, not rely on someone else to get it for me.

Sometimes I absolutely love the gifts I’m given, other times I receive with thanks and then quietly give the gift away/return it. Sometimes gifts are really thoughtful, other times, not really.

I usually put lots of thought into my gifts and I do love choosing things for others. However, I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I have at times also dashed out and grabbed a candle and a naice bar of choc as a last minute thought (for what it’s worth, I love candles and posh choc!). Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but life can be exhausting sometimes!

Surely it is about how the gift giver treats you the rest of the year, rather than whether they managed to choose something ‘acceptable’?

I’m really keen to hear opinions either way!

The vote:
Vote yes: Gifts are really important
Vote no: Gifts are not important

@BoxedWine

There's nothing wrong with agreeing not to give presents when presents aren't wanted. If a recipient fails to appreciate that you've put time and effort into a gift then of course you'll probably either agree to not exchange gifts or stop putting effort in because they're spoilt.

However there are times when people give gifts to their partners or loved ones that are so thoughtless to be insulting. No one gets it right all the time but you should know if your partner of five years likes to get thoughtful presents and at least try to buy them something they'll like. If you literally can't think of a single thing they'll like ask them!

You're not actually disagreeing with anything I've said then fullofjellybeans. If people have present buying arrangements with a partner and they're utterly thoughtless, that's a separate issue from thoughtful but accidentally unwelcome.

Although the 'ask them' again begs the question of when it becomes a pointless charade and you're better off just choosing for yourselves. That threshold will differ for every couple.

I've given up being offended at gifts from the in laws. They mean well , but it's all incredibly sexist. There isnt thought really, though the gesture is nice, but men receive Amazon vouchers and the women for the clothes/beauty shop of choice that year. It bugged me for years, and have said something when it isnt christmas, but doesn't change anything. Asking for nothing doesnt work either, its ignored. These days I just cross my fingers that whatever shop is chosen has a kids section so I can get something nice for DC from it.

Mmm this is it, if one party wants to stop mutual gift exchange and one doesn't, one of you won't get your way. The difficulty comes when people have very different views on these things. I think that's responsible for a lot of ill feelings and disagreements.

I'm just happy to receive a gift to unwrap tbh, I'm a single parent, my parents live abroad and we only buy for the kids in my family, so limited opportunities to receive gifts.

The only gift I have ever felt hurt by was DH’s extended family Secret Santa. There was always a huge build up about it being a family tradition that “everyone looks forward to all year” and everyone apart from me would always receive really thoughtful gifts. I was ok with the generic gifts (even though it made me feel like an outsider) until the year that I received a half used notebook and an already opened bottle of booze. It was so bloody obvious that zero thought had been put into it, and they had grabbed something on their way out the door without even checking that it hadn’t been used. I laugh about it now but at the time I felt like crying!

The next year my MIL revealed that she had always been disappointed with the gifts she’d had from Secret Santa so the idea has now been scrapped.

Is annoyed the same as worked up?

For me it is being asked what I wanted and then it being completely ignored. Why ask?

Or

Being given things I have said repeatedly I don’t consume such as alcohol since it make me physically ill. Yes, I could regift it, but what was the point of giving it as a gift if I’m to regift it.

Although the 'ask them' again begs the question of when it becomes a pointless charade and you're better off just choosing for yourselves. That threshold will differ for every couple

I think you're right on the threshold differing for each couple. If I look at our friendship group:

Couple 1: Love the detailed and extensive thought for gift giving to each other at Christmas. They'd be mortified at having to tell each other what they'd like for birthdays and Christmas (and in previous relationships my friend has left relationships over gift situations as for them it very much us a litmus test of how much their partner understands them).

Couple 2: Go shopping together for Christmas presents and will often be there when the present is bought. They see Christmas and birthdays as a nice opportunity to buy something for their hobbies that's a bit nicer than they'd normally buy but there's no sentimentality attached.

Couple 3: Always ask/tell what they would like for a main present and then there's a few token gifts which are an opportunity to get sweet/funny/unusual gifts.

DH and I are couple 3.I couldn't be in a relationship like couple 1. We stray into couple 2 (our friends) when life gets hectic and then try to make more of an effort.

The issue is when you have a couple 1 person and couple 2 person in a relationship because there's inevitable conflict.

I think there’s a lot of emphasis on a gift having to be a surprise for some and so they don’t want to ask for ideas and that can lead to gifts going a bit wrong. In situations where there aren’t additional issues with the relationship though these things tend to get laughed off and that’s that. I totally agree with PP’s who have said that those who do get upset usually have a backstory and the lack of gift, or complete lack of thought if a gift is given, is like another dig at the wound.

I’m crap at presents, I ask every year that nobody buy for me because we’re also pretty broke. IL’s don’t listen but are quite gracious about the lack of return gifts to the same level and whilst it’s nice they want to buy for me, all I can do is add up all the occasions where I’ve not been able to reciprocate and feel massively guilty. Thankfully DH understands so we don’t do gift giving as a requirement on birthdays, special occasions, holidays etc. but if we see something that we think the other may like we get it when we can afford it and give it there and then.

I’m sure there are plenty of ungrateful receivers out there, but I usually give folks the benefit of the doubt. Walk a mile in their shoes and all that

I think that's it lola, different styles is what makes conflict. Two abstainers are fine together, as are two cash givers, two experience gift swappers, two practical gifters, two personalised present fans etc. Mix them all up and nobody's happy!

However there are times when the present seems to signify the giver's inner feelings about the receiver.

To be brutally honest, in-laws usually are at the bottom of the gifting list. Especially if they are rarely seen. May easily skip someone's mind that Karen is now vegan and her Tarquin has outgrown Disney gear

Mmm this is it, if one party wants to stop mutual gift exchange and one doesn't, one of you won't get your way.

Surely it depends who it is, friends or extended family the non gift exchanger wins - just say you're doing your bit for the environment. A couple, or very close family member who really wants to exchange gifts surely you reach a compromise. Definitely no expectations of very expensive gifts but you'd be a bit of a grump to refuse to make any effort at all.

DD2 go some 'luxury bath melts' from M&S from her grand parents (plus 2 other things). They are definitely melting, through the packet, and on examination went out of date in Feb 2015. She is not impressed...

I’m utterly skint. I enjoy buying presents for other people but it does upset me when I get inappropriate presents in return. It’s taken two whole months to save to buy presents (and I only buy for a very small number of people). When I get presents I can’t use it rankles a little that I went without buying things for myself for two months and I don’t have anything I can use. Particularly as I have to put so much effort into finding things people would like within my budget. I sometimes think I’d rather stop presents all together but I get so little joy in my life that I fear I would cut off my nose to spite my face.