AIBU to think people get too wound up and offended over gifts they receive?

[Goatinthegarden]

This isn’t a TAAT, but is inspired by the number of threads I’ve seen about people being really disappointed, offended or upset about gifts received over the Christmas period.

AIBU in thinking that it’s bizarre to get so worked up over gifts?

Gifts are extras to life, not necessities. I never ask for anything, various friends and family give me gifts and some of us have agreements to not give gifts to each other. Both ways are fine by me. If I really, desperately want something, I will save up and treat myself, not rely on someone else to get it for me.

Sometimes I absolutely love the gifts I’m given, other times I receive with thanks and then quietly give the gift away/return it. Sometimes gifts are really thoughtful, other times, not really.

I usually put lots of thought into my gifts and I do love choosing things for others. However, I’m sure I don’t always get it right. I have at times also dashed out and grabbed a candle and a naice bar of choc as a last minute thought (for what it’s worth, I love candles and posh choc!). Doesn’t mean I don’t care, but life can be exhausting sometimes!

Surely it is about how the gift giver treats you the rest of the year, rather than whether they managed to choose something ‘acceptable’?

I’m really keen to hear opinions either way!

The vote:
Vote yes: Gifts are really important
Vote no: Gifts are not important

I voted Yanbu because generally I think people get too het up. Assuming the other persons skill at guessing your taste is an accurate reflection of their regard for you is asking for trouble. People have different values and abilities when it comes to presents.

That said, the point about some people using gifts to hurt is an important one and I don't think you fully acknowledge that.

I think it's silly to micro analyse gifts given by random friends but YABU to say that it's silly to be hurt by lack of thought for gifts in all circumstances. Your problem is that you're being ridiculously over simplistic or projecting from your own experience. I don't care about gift giving because I have no issues but for other people that's not the case.

For other people receiving a nice gift at Christmas is important because it's a chance for the people they love to put time, thought and resources into them which isn't something that happens regularly through out the year. It can also highlight differences in how people are treated. If your sibling is giving lovely, thoughtful gifts from your parents and you're given a soap gift set of course it's going to be hurtful.

@Hopoindown31
t is the annual reminder of how MN is such a nice safe space for women that they feel comfortable enough to tell us all about how horrible they are to the men in their lives.

I read one thread (won’t name) where DH was being slated for his choice of gift and I felt so sorry for him. It sounded like a perfectly nice present with some level of thought behind it, he just hadn’t gotten it right.

Cool for you. I have a life and a blended family of 6 kids as well and don't want to be spending 12 months a year browsing for Xmas presents in my free time thanks.

Who suggested you should? It takes about 2 minutes to look online to buy something a little thoughtful for the people you really love.

I got one present I'll never use. It's no big deal.

Gift giving should be about the person receiving the item so it should have thought put into it. It’s once a year and can be done online so no excuse to buy a generic gift whatsoever. Why bother if no effort goes into it?

I read one thread (won’t name) where DH was being slated for his choice of gift and I felt so sorry for him. It sounded like a perfectly nice present with some level of thought behind it, he just hadn’t gotten it right.

Which thread? I've only seen genuine complaints. If you're talking about the husband who bought a teapot for his wife who has two teapots and doesn't drink tea that's clearly not thoughtful and she was probably hurt because they may be divorcing, this was meant to be a last chance to give the marriage a try and he'd put no effort in through out Christmas......Of course if you're determined to find fault with the woman you'll interpret the situation from a ridiculously over simplistic point of view which makes her out to be ungrateful.

The threads I've seen where people get worked up about a gift, it's actually more because they see it as yet another symptom of a failing or broken down relationship but it's easier to articulate what's on the surface than what's bubbling underneath

I know what you mean. The posts with partners saying they don't like gifts are sad. But some of them are justified. I've only ever got one partner gift that's made me raise an eyebrow but as with any gift, l quietly put it aside. They aren't a right, it's lovely to get something nice but often people don't know you well enough to pick something really thoughtful.

Who suggested you should? It takes about 2 minutes to look online to buy something a little thoughtful for the people you really love.

No it doesn't. Getting a 'thoughtful' gift for some relative you hardly see but gifts something random to you every year is far more challenging that, you know nothing about them. Sorry they are getting the boots 3 for 2 I'm afraid.

I wasn't suggesting getting random tat for close family and friends, honestly read what I have written!

BuzzShitbagBobbly You're right, thoughtless presents are another way of saying 'I couldn't really be bothered to think what you'd actually like so brought you a generic token instead'.
From my Stepdaughter - the obligatory box of smellies!!!!
From a dog I walk - a bottle of my favourite wine 👍
It's not difficult to ask people for a small list of ideas.

OK you win the competition for hardest life going for sure.

Merry Christmas!

Smug seems to be your default setting I see.

Oh god I think you're being ridiculous. I've not seen any threads complaining about the odd gift going wrong - everyone gets gifts wrong sometimes (BiL got me some nice bath stuff that will be donated to the women's refuge but it was a lovely thought). I think people mind when someone who is supposed to love them (and must know that a little nice gift is important to them) puts zero effort in. It's completely different if you've agreed not to do gifts.

And all the moaning about Bayliss and Harding. Presumably, the person who bought it thought it was nice.

Your problem is that you're being ridiculously over simplistic or projecting from your own experience

Well, I don’t have a problem, I’m asking others to share their views with me so I can be more understanding. The view I’m getting from lots of conversations on MN is that people are getting upset over receiving a gift because it’s not what they wanted. Often it sounds over analysed or spoiled.

For other people receiving a nice gift at Christmas is important because it's a chance for the people they love to put time, thought and resources into them which isn't something that happens regularly through out the year.

I just take pleasure in the little things. DH making me a coffee before I get out of bed every weekend morning without fail, even when he’s tired or hungover, rather than the gift he gets me. Or my pal who lives 200miles away texting me to check how I am because I have a very ill close relative. Neither of them gave me a Christmas gift, but I know they care.

@Hopoindown31

Why not just ask them what they're favourite bottle of wine/chocolate/bath stuff is? In any case I've not seen anyone complaining about gifts from random relatives they never see, people complain about their partners or getting unequal gifts which is a bit insulting. If you buy random junk for every distant relative it's fine - they'll probably just donate it and not think twice.

Getting a 'thoughtful' gift for some relative you hardly see

Is this an example of the "social obligation" referred to earlier?
If so, why not just stop it?

And the recipient almost certainly knows you don't give a fuck about them anyway, so you are just wasting money on tat and sending a rather unkind message to boot.

Honestly, the sky won't fall in if you don't prop up Boots' profits any more. Not to mention less plastic packaging in the world.

My sister and I didn't really get brilliant gifts this year, she was hurt because she is in a full time secure job for the first time and had spoiled everyone; I bought Christmas for everyone because I was trying to feel something other than grief and thought it would help me with feeling festive if I was extravagantly generous (spoiler: it didn't).

I would have been happy with anything, or nothing, because all I wanted was DH to be there and that is impossible. I liked all my gifts but my parents feel guilty that they didn't get us much. Even if they had surprised me with something completely fabulous, I would have felt the same level of enthusiasm.

So I think this is a long winded way of saying, we have expectations of others and of ourselves and regardless of how much you spend, it's not about the money or even the gift, but the fact that someone has thought enough of you to buy or make something. My favourite present was some wool that my mum got me so I could knit a temperature blanket. She thought it was a terribly lame present because it didn't look much. You can't win.

I just take pleasure in the little things. DH making me a coffee before I get out of bed every weekend morning without fail, even when he’s tired or hungover, rather than the gift he gets me.

That's fine but for other people getting a thoughtful gift at Christmas and birthdays is something they look forward to - your way of doing things isn't the only way. I've never seen anyone complain that their second cousin didn't know them well enough to get them a lovely gift but I can see why getting a boots smelly kit from your husband when you spend time and effort on him would be upsetting. Or if you're in a close friendship group where everyone else gets a personal gift and you get some tat which has been regifted it will hurt.

If it is from your partner and you put a ton of effort in to buy something nice or useful or something, and then they get you a shitty gift set or something, I get it. Especially if there are other issues with the relationship.

If it is an actual passive aggressive gift (diet book, clothes 4 sizes too big, cheque for a fiver when everyone else got 50), I also get it.

But all the people who are upset because they got a Michael Kors bag instead of a Coach bag, or a gift set from their mum, or a necklace that they don't love from their husband need to grow up, honestly. Accept it in the spirit it was intended and move on. Or if it upsets you that much, just don't exchange presents anymore.

I honestly can't believe how annoyed some people get about some gifts, I'm sure I've given some right shit in my time, and I've also received stuff I'll never use, but I still enjoy getting and giving gifts. I just regift/give to charity shops/give it away to friends.

@Warmhandscoldheart

It's not difficult to ask people for a small list of ideas.

Surely asking someone what to buy them defeats the point? I’m not saying you shouldn’t, I always ask DSis what’s nephews would like. I am not knowledgeable about what teenage boys want.

But surely being asked/told what to buy for other adults with their own funds just defeats the purpose of gifting? I don’t really know!

"It's not difficult to ask people for a small list of ideas."

I don't really see the point of that tbh. If it's coming down to listing ideas, just give money or don't bother. If the recipient is the one putting effort into thinking of ideas, it's just a charade really.

@AndNoneForGretchenWieners
I would have been happy with anything, or nothing, because all I wanted was DH to be there and that is impossible. I liked all my gifts but my parents feel guilty that they didn't get us much. Even if they had surprised me with something completely fabulous, I would have felt the same level of enthusiasm.

Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time

People would be so much happier if they lowered their expectations (especially at this time of year), remembered that not everyone gets gifts right all the time,and accepted what they are given in good grace.
Gifts are so unimportant (unless you are a child). I feel genuinely grateful to have spent time with loved ones (and maybe not so loved ones, but it felt good knowing they had a nice day and weren't alone).
Some gifts I got were lovely, done, I'm sure would be classed as thoughtless, but the person went out and bothered to get me something, so why should that upset me? I found it very easy to smile and thank them. The last thing I'd do is sit around and analyse what this gift means. It most likely means the person has limited time and money, doesn't know me very well but felt they should give me a gift. And that's fine.

After a year of trying to declutter my house I’ve now got a load more shit!

I do appreciate the effort people make though. Although I really don’t need any more make up sets etc!