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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it acceptable that mothers favour their daughters and not their sons?

108 replies

SMarie123 · 26/12/2019 23:09

Aibu to be annoyed by how often mothers favour their grown daughters and vs their sons? Or is it just that I am the mother of sons.....

OP posts:
QueenofPain · 27/12/2019 00:44

You are very unreasonable to have posted this as an AMA when it’s an AIBU.

UtuNorantiPralatongsThirdEye · 27/12/2019 00:44

What QueenofPain said^

Heartofglass12345 · 27/12/2019 00:45

In my experience the daughters make more of an effort too, so it could be that. My husband has 2 brothers and a sister, and his sister makes much more of an effort to spend time with their parents, call them etc

FeigningHorror · 27/12/2019 00:47

You don’t have daughters. Presumably you love your sons and don’t regard them as second-class citizens. Why are you so angry?

HereForTheHelp · 27/12/2019 01:02

I do everything for my mother, buy her birthday presents, cakes, pay her bloody bills, take her shopping when she doesn't want to go with DF and she STILL favours my brothers. I'm the only girl of 5 brothers, you'd think I'd have a bit of favouritism!

eveshopper · 27/12/2019 01:07

What no tbh era are favouring their DD over their DS? Why does other people's relationships with their adult children bother you?

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 27/12/2019 01:07

Do you mean some mothers? I’m sure you must.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 09:05

Where this comes form is ..... my MIL often stays overnight in her daughters house, she only stays with her sons if it is an event and doesn't hang around.

I was telling two of my friends and somehow they seem to think it is acceptable that a mother would feel more comfortable in a daughters house vs a son. They were also saying how they spend as small amount of time as possible with their MIL.

My own mother would have never done this ( we are all equal). I am just wondering if this is some unwritten rule I didn't understand...

OP posts:
OccasionalNachos · 27/12/2019 09:08

Where this comes form is ..... my MIL often stays overnight in her daughters house, she only stays with her sons if it is an event and doesn't hang around.

I was telling two of my friends and somehow they seem to think it is acceptable that a mother would feel more comfortable in a daughters house vs a son. They were also saying how they spend as small amount of time as possible with their MIL*

Does she feel comfortable around you or her other DIL?

CodenameVillanelle · 27/12/2019 09:09

Why are you asking about mothers in general when you are talking about your MIL specifically?

Disillusioneddaisy · 27/12/2019 09:11

I have a friend with a boy and girl and she very much favours the girl. I think it's wrong to show preference to any child regardless of gender

FeigningHorror · 27/12/2019 09:13

So, one woman.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 09:15

I always thought it was just my MIL but apparently it isn't, that is what my friends were saying.

OP posts:
user32564567 · 27/12/2019 09:18

Maybe your MiL doesn't feel welcome to stay overnight at yours.

Emmapeeler1 · 27/12/2019 09:23

They were also saying how they spend as small amount of time as possible with their MIL.

Well maybe that’s your answer. Most MILs know when they aren’t really welcome.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 09:24

Maybe your MiL doesn't feel welcome to stay overnight at yours.

Maybe, although her other DIL literally bends over backwards to keep her happy and she doesn't fare any better.

OP posts:
highheelsandweathercocks · 27/12/2019 09:24

Well I'm one of two, my sibling is male. I can tell you now that my mother has favoured him over me our entire lives, to the point where she allowed violence towards me over a period of years and did nothing to protect me.
This favouritism continued into adulthood. We are NC now (my choice).

So YABU to generalise based on one example. That is also extremely vague. Maybe she has a closer relationship with her daughter. Are you the DIL married to the son in question. Maybe it's you...

CheesePleaseLoueese · 27/12/2019 09:24

Sorry but this is nonsense. It's a massive extrapolation from your own experience with your MiL (plus some random anecdotal chat from others.....)

greyspottedgoose · 27/12/2019 09:30

I don't think it's always favouring daughter over son but I do think once children become adults (some) parents favour one over others, but once you're grown and not the parents responsibility as such then your relationship becomes more of a friendship, and it's natural to have some closer than others.

Growing up I didn't see/feel any favouritism and felt we where always treated fairly but now I'm in my 30s I feel like I'm closer to my mum than my siblings, we shop together, I looked after her when we had a bereavement in the family etc we are all very close but I feel like I'm turned to more than the others

BrieAndChilli · 27/12/2019 09:32

I think I’m a very loose overly stereotypical way, women get on better with women eg go for coffee, shopping, like the same things so it’s easier for mums to spend time with their daughters. Also DIL generally have their own mums who help with preganancy and birth and other stuff so the MIL doesn’t feel as needed or wanted.
I’m NC with my mum and MIL is lovely so not my experience at all.

Squigean · 27/12/2019 09:38

Is it the same women (who are mothers) that buy into that bullshit "A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life"

regularbutpanickingabit · 27/12/2019 09:39

My mil is absolutely like this and I think it’s really sad.

eveshopper · 27/12/2019 09:47

So basically you have taken issue because your MIL prefers her own DD to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

misspiggy19 · 27/12/2019 09:49

In my experience the daughters make more of an effort too, so it could be that.

^This is my experience too

vdbfamily · 27/12/2019 09:53

I think this comes from the fact that most women in a relationship facilitate the social calender of the family ( gross generalisation but wife work). When I had young children I used to go to my mum whenever I felt like it whereas my SIL'S would probably wait to be asked. I would invite myself to stay over, they would not. My brother's would have asked if they had been asked to get involved and my parents would not have treated them differently. I think all this illustrates is that a daughter generally has a closer relationship with her mother than DIL' s usually do. Why would that surprise anyone??
However, if you are saying that your DH invites his mother to stay and she refuses and then goes to SIL house, that seems a bit unbalanced. I personally think it can be very hard for MIL'S trying to keep their DIL's happy and maybe it is just more relaxing to stay with their daughter.