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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Is it acceptable that mothers favour their daughters and not their sons?

108 replies

SMarie123 · 26/12/2019 23:09

Aibu to be annoyed by how often mothers favour their grown daughters and vs their sons? Or is it just that I am the mother of sons.....

OP posts:
movingdilemma1234 · 27/12/2019 09:54

Ime the difference comes when grown up sons and daughters have their own children. The mother of the daughter is much more likely to be more hands on with the children and have a closer relationship with her daughter and daughter's children than her son's. It's hardly surprising really when you read thread after thread on here, primarily from women, being so hateful about their MIL's

FeigningHorror · 27/12/2019 09:56

They ‘make more of an effort’ for the same reason they appear to care more about housework, their appearance, and having a ‘perfect Christmas’ — patriarchal socialisation tells them to, and that family relationships are their responsibility. It’s not that having a vag8na means you automatically get on with your mother.

RuffleCrow · 27/12/2019 09:58

I have two daughters and a son and i love them all exactly the same amount. So yabvvvvu. I don't think i'm a particularly saintly person - this sort of egalitarian love has taken me by surprise. Can only assume it's evolutionary rather than based in my own flawed character. In that case most mothers of both sexes probably feel similar as I didn't evolve in isolation!

Ocomeocomeimaginaryfleas · 27/12/2019 09:59

You're not complaining about how your MIL treats her DS though. You are put out that she doesn't treat you, her DIL, the same as her own daughter.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 10:11

Just to be clear, I don't expect to be treated the same as her daughter but my DH should have equal status to his sister. ...

The thing that makes me sad is that our DC don't have the same time/ relationship with their grandmother that their cousins have.

It also isn't that I/ her other DIL don't get on with my MIL it is just our family units don't airtime.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 27/12/2019 10:16

Hi there, OP.

We're just bobbing on here to let you know that we've moved your thread over to AIBU, where it looks like you meant to post it in the first place.

Hope that helps but do give us a shout if you need anything else.

Grin
NomNomNomNom · 27/12/2019 10:19

I know what you mean OP. DH's mum is a bit like this. She loves DH but is more involved with Sil. I think it's because she loves the female bonding stuff (shopping, when sil was pregnant she could be more involved etc).

Itsigginingtolookalotlikexmas · 27/12/2019 10:22

I thought it was the reverse - the daughter who does everything for an ageing mother being unappreciated compared to the son who makes a phone call twice a year, type of thing.

ssd · 27/12/2019 10:25

I only have sons and dread this. I totally get the girl being more comfortable with her own mum, I was the same. And my brother was shit at keeping in touch.

WaxOnFeckOff · 27/12/2019 10:26

I don't think mil can win really, they are interfering if they have too much contact and stand offish if not enough. I only have boys, I'm dreading being 2nd best granny Sad and I don't have a lot of experience of dealing with young women either.

HoHoHoik · 27/12/2019 10:27

My mum treats all of us, and our own DC, the same. Makes an effort to see us all, spends time with the grandchildren, spends the same on everyone at Christmas/birthdays, helps us all out when we need it, babysits an equal amount, etc.

In terms of spending time together she spends the most time with me as I live nearest to her, I'm just a few streets away, I'm also a SAHM so im available in a way that my siblings aren't. Because if this a lot of the support work falls to me, it's not that my brother's arent bothered it's just that proximity and availability mean I do it. So things like popping round to put her bins out when she's on holiday or looking after her dog, waiting in for parcels or workers if she's at work and it clashes, looking in on her if she's not well, calling in for a cuppa and a chat, etc (to be fair, she reciprocates). I know for a fact that when she gets old if she ever needs care it will be on me, my brothers can be very single minded, they're usually nowhere to be seen when there's donkey work to be done. For example when mum moved house it was DH and I who were helping with the packing and lifting, DH who put all her curtain rails up, fit her burglar alarm, etc. I can see why in other families where the situation is similar that this results in the mother favouring the daughter(s).

CuckooCuckooClock · 27/12/2019 10:28

Surely it’s totally to do with your MIL’s relationships with her children as individuals rather than representatives of a sex?
How much effort does your dh put into that relationship? As much as his sister? Has it always been this way?

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 10:30

I thought it was the reverse - the daughter who does everything for an ageing mother being unappreciated compared to the son who makes a phone call twice a year, type of thing.

No not a reverse... that would be pointless... my
SIL is nice, I have no problem with her. She isn't lazy but isn't the most proactive either. DH's brother and his wife are by far the best. visit her the most, provided post operative care for 3 months. I would say SIL is probably equal to my DH in terms of effort.

OP posts:
Bluebutterfly90 · 27/12/2019 10:31

Weird, my experience is usually the other way around, with mothers coddling their sons and treating their daughters like free domestic help or a third parent to their son.

My parents have got boys and girls, and I dont think they in particular have favourites, but that might be due to the largeish age gaps between my siblings.
I'm due (well, overdue) a little boy, and I'm hoping for a girl in the future. I really wanna make sure I treat my kids the same.

doritosdip · 27/12/2019 10:42

I have 3 teens (2 boys and 1 girl)

My sons see me as providing functional support. I will know stuff like how to set up a direct debit and I cook most meals.

My daughter spends more time with me than my sons combined. She does stuff like make a cup of tea and chats with me Etc She texts me much more than her brothers combined and is more interested in spending time with me. (I'm a gamer so my sons could do stuff like that with me if they wanted)

Ask your h what his family dynamic was. I'd bet that the dd is closer because she makes more of an effort. Is her dd living closer? Does MIL spend more time with her kids than yours? Again, I suspect it's because her sons don't make an effort or share what's going on so she doesn't know what he needs from her. He might be giving the impression that your mum is heavily involved and not want to step on toes.

Personally I know as many families where the son is the favoured one as the daughter. The sons are often lazy yet enjoy being cast as too busy to visit etc while the daughter helps out.

Sendmoneynow · 27/12/2019 10:43

My mother has two sons and two daughters. The sun shines from my brothers' backsides, whilst my sister and I receive constant criticism and nastiness from her. Even her sons-in-law are better thought of than her daughters. I've spent years trying to understand this.

Comps83 · 27/12/2019 10:43

I don’t think there’s any pattern to it
My GM will defend my horrid DM to the hilt no matter what she does. Turns a blind eye to her alcoholism and abuse and treats her son like dirt because he has cut contact with DM just as I have. He has done a lot more for GM than DM ever has and DM used to regularly bitch and moan about GM behind her back . However I still don’t think it’s because mothers prefer girls. I know someone who has 3 girls and only one of them can do no wrong and just totally takes the piss because she can.

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 10:44

In terms of the relationship she has had in the past with her DC my SIL would have always been a major favorite but my DH would have been up there too. My husbands brother isn't academic and in IMO always got a hard time. My DH fell out of favour when he quit a well paid job to set up a small company supporting charities (he earns enough but we aren't wealthy). My SIL is very well off and has a 6 figure salary working for a well known multinational.

She has another daughter who lives abroad who she hardly speaks too, they have always had a very rocky relationship.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 27/12/2019 10:45

My mum definitely favours my brother so I can’t relate 🤷🏻‍♀️

yellowallpaper · 27/12/2019 10:48

In general mothers and daughters tend to be closer whereas sons look more to their partners for emotional support.

Not always of course, but more often I've seen

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2019 10:51

I think daughters definitely get favoured from my experience

missyB1 · 27/12/2019 10:52

In my experience(I’ve been a parent for 30 years), mums often nurture their relationship with their daughters more. They like to do “girly” things with their daughters and steer the boys towards “doing stuff with dad”. I know some families who literally divide the kids between them according to gender! Dad is kept busy in charge of the boys sports and activities and mum attends all the dance shows blah blah. Yes it sounds stereotypical but so many parents still encourage the stereotypes.

ineedaholidaynow · 27/12/2019 10:57

An important thing, amongst many other things, mothers of sons can do is to ensure that their sons don’t believe in wifework and that they must share that responsibility.

For the last few Christmases DS(14) has been responsible for getting Christmas presents from him. He does this off his own back, may need help if needs to order online. He wraps everything too. It’s only a small thing but I hope it continues along with other responsibilities as he gets older. It’s awful when you read on here so many times where DH’s have not lifted a finger in anyway for Christmas.

I hope DS will take responsibility for contacting us when he leaves home and not leave it to any future partner, and again we will be teaching him that it is his responsibility and hope that he wants to do it, rather than feels it is his duty to do it.

gamerchick · 27/12/2019 10:59

Eh? Not in my universe they don't. Boys are pampered and the girls are the ones expected to wipe parents arses when they get elderly.

Sofast · 27/12/2019 11:04

My mum treats my brother and I equally. My mil is different though. She spends a lot of time with sil and her kids but not ours, however my sil makes a lot of effort with her and they are similar. My mil and sil chat about people/gossip/talk about similar interests whereas mil and my husband wouldn't talk like that so i can see why they are closer