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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it acceptable that mothers favour their daughters and not their sons?

108 replies

SMarie123 · 26/12/2019 23:09

Aibu to be annoyed by how often mothers favour their grown daughters and vs their sons? Or is it just that I am the mother of sons.....

OP posts:
HoppingPavlova · 27/12/2019 14:31

I don’t think mums favour daughters, they just step back when their son gets a partner/wife. Mine all live at home still but I have seen this with many friends.

The rule of thumb is that the daughter tends to take on the ‘rules’ of the household pretty much aligned with the mums rules for her household. Certainly not always but probably in the majority of cases I have observed. So a mum is more comfortable in a daughters house as there is a common understanding for the majority of stuff. It’s also easier if there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy to thrash it out with your blood child.

Contrast that to a sons household where the DIL has unknown rules and expectations. You see it all the time on mumsnet - she comes here and just waltzes into my kitchen and puts the kettle on like she owns the place/she sits there and expects me to get her a cup of tea and wait on her (either way mumsnet says, what a bitch, go NC). MIL’s just can’t win. Given every social interaction there is now a fraught guessing game of what rules the DIL seems to have for her household/the grandchildren, mothers tend to be more comfortable staying at their daughters as a general rule. Also, if there is some breach of ‘the rules’, rarely does a mother get to sort it out with her son as the DIL tends to insert herself front and centre.

Same with gifts, some mothers I know are that scared that ‘yet again’ they will buy the wrong gift as the DIL seems to have rules that it must be made from something organically harvested from virgin rainforest by a troop of magical pixies and washed in unicorn tears before being wrapped in a banana leaf, no bow. Generally the son couldn’t give a rats what the gift is but the DIL seems to have ‘rules’ and will be straight into mumsnet to bitch about it the minute his mum has stepped out the door.

Mums love their sons as much as their daughters, it just gets complicated when the son gets a partner.

Roselilly36 · 27/12/2019 14:35

My MIL definitely favours her DD’s over her son, nothing new she has always been the same.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:39

Foaming what are you saying no to?

That my mum doesn't like or love me?
That men are favoured in societies all over the world?
That there are lots of threads on here saying how awful girls are?

These things are facts. I'm not sure how they are negated by your relationship with your son.

happyandsingle · 27/12/2019 14:42

I'm glad I've got a dd.If I would of had a son I'd probably be the dreaded MIL as that's all you see from DIL.

Deadringer · 27/12/2019 14:43

My mother has always favoured her son's, and still does despite the fact that we daughters have become her carers. I don't mind, she is who she is. My mil definitely favours her son over her daughter. It's probably a generational thing, I don't know anyone of my age (50s) or younger who favours their daughters over their sons or vice versa.

Baaaahhhhh · 27/12/2019 14:44

Ha - If only. My DM expects everything from me, nothing from my brothers. She finds fault in everything I do, and yet my brothers are golden boys. I am an only girl, with three brothers.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:47

When I was born and my dad told his dad 'it's a girl' his dad said 'better luck next time'.

Thinking about it, maybe it wasn't kind of my dad to tell me that!

FoamingAtTheUterus · 27/12/2019 14:48

Fraggling. Your mother isn't an example of society as a whole........I'm sorry you hit the shitty stick when it came to choosing parents. Really I am. In fact I didn't have a brilliant childhood either. But you really can't use your own shit and extreme experience as a stick to beat other people back in an argument. It really doesn't work that way.

Most parents are well meaning but idly shit at putting the effort in with children they don't click with. Or they go to the other extreme and try too hard. Meaning the one who they struggle with the most ends up being the one who takes all the attention. Neither situation is healthy. But it can't be compared to having an abusive parent.

As an old fogie who has adult DC forging a.common ground from the early days pays off. With DD it's lizards, theme parks and exploring the coast. With DS it's cooking, getting outside and camping. Parents need to build on the relationship they want with their future adults from toddlerhood. Not neglect it for years and shit themselves when theyre in their 20 s and aren't interested.

Drabarni · 27/12/2019 14:49

I don't favour any of my kids, but know some who favour sons over daughters.
I have 2ds and one dd, they are treated exactly the same, down to the penny.
They might not get the help/money at the same time, but we keep a track of who has what.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:49

I didn't choose my parents Confused

You deny that societies all over the world favour men?
You don't think there are lots of threads on MN saying how awful girls are? Have a search.

Why are you having a go at me. I've said nothing unremarkable.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:50

And my experience isn't extreme at all.

Go on stately homes if you want extreme.

Fraggling · 27/12/2019 14:51

Where have I said anything about abusive parents?

You seem to be reading a lot into my posts that isn't there and I'm not sure why.

TSSDNCOP · 27/12/2019 14:52

Is it the same women (who are mothers) that buy into that bullshit "A son is a son 'til he gets a wife, but a daughter is a daughter all her life"

This absolutely.

OneForMeToo · 27/12/2019 14:53

My mil definitely favours sil over dh. It hurts him a lot. He blew up at her the other month about it and she tried to deny it which did her no favours apparently. I wasn’t there but from the anger and words he said he used. Ouch. This expands to the grandchildren the dds children are the best thing since sliced bread who she sees multiple times a week where as ours are just children who visit sometimes that she then gets frustrated with as they don’t love her or want to see her like the other does. Reap what you sow.

My brother is my mother’s favourite his the more accomplished one where as I was the sahm.

bluesteakandcheese · 27/12/2019 14:54

Ha ha. Mine doesn't. Sun shines out of my brothers' arses.

Zerrin13 · 27/12/2019 15:11

I've got 2 daughters and one son and I'm really looking forward to my girls having children. I definitely hope to be very involved in a way that I probably couldn't be with a daughter in law.

MarciaMarciaMarcia · 27/12/2019 15:16

My MIL, when discussing my pregnancy, said "oh your mum must be so excited." I replied "yes, its exciting for all the gps." She said "but its different when it's your daughter."
I was initially upset as dsil had a 14 year old at the time, and I felt she was saying her ds's (my dh) child wasn't as important as his sisters. I know she didn't mean that, it was just awkward.
Anyway, she is a fab gp and I am lucky my dcs have her.

sophiestew · 27/12/2019 15:17

You sound fairly confused OP and have contradicted yourself.It is clear you feel upset by what you see as less favourable treatment of your DC though....

I read some research which explained that women will often (not always), completely unconsciously, feel a deeper affinity to the children of their daughters. This is because a baby girl is born with every egg it will ever have to make a baby with. So the baby a daughter produces is made with an egg that the maternal grandmother actually made inside her body.

Fascinating stuff!!

Original poster
SMarie123 · 27/12/2019 15:49

What do you mean Sophiestew?

OP posts:
justbimblingalong · 27/12/2019 16:04

My mum definitely favours my brother. Even though he's an absolute dick and has done some despicable things to our family over the years. In my mum's eyes he can do no wrong...whilst the rest of us barely get a look in. It's so noticeable that other family members have commented on it. Me and my other siblings have learned to accept it, but it hurts.

So YABU to think this. In fact, I can honestly say, that I know more cases where the opposite is true...but maybe this is because I now see the signs, due to my own experience. I don't know...but it makes me very sad, as I couldn't choose between my own children and don't understand how parents can have out and out favourites. Children know! And it has devastating consequences.

mbosnz · 27/12/2019 16:09

I have a saying when it comes to favoritism - you have the best of her - you just remember that you'll also be having the rest of her. . .

The rule of thumb is that the daughter tends to take on the ‘rules’ of the household pretty much aligned with the mums rules for her household. Certainly not always but probably in the majority of cases I have observed. So a mum is more comfortable in a daughters house as there is a common understanding for the majority of stuff. It’s also easier if there is a misunderstanding or discrepancy to thrash it out with your blood child.

I think that's also a fair point.

Sizeofalentil · 27/12/2019 16:57

My mil told me, repeatedly, when I was pregnant that the maternal grandmother is the real grandmother.

I think there's actually some science in this - I read a study which says grandparents are naturally more invested in their daughter's children as they can guarantee family lineage (whereas there's no guarantee, in theory, that their son is the father) so it's probably a throwback to our lizard brains

BanSprouts · 27/12/2019 17:13

@HereForTheHelp I think we have the same mother!

Quirrelsotherface · 27/12/2019 17:21

I notice this a lot with friends who have a boy and a girl. One in particular, the DD will always have beautiful new clothes and the poor boy looks like a little urchin, with the same jumper and shoes worn for years.

I see it with others, though not as extreme and I wonder if it is something in our genetics, to bond with those who are the same as us.

I only have sons and I utterly cherish them. Because we only have DS's they are very balanced in activities etc..they are boisterous, sporty and wrestle a lot but they don't just do typical 'boy' stuff with their dad, they come shopping with me, help around the house etc, have an opinion on fashion and I do wonder if things would have been different if I had a DD. In families I know with both, mostly the mum looks after the girl and the Dad the boy. It's interesting.

doritosdip · 27/12/2019 17:34
  • I've noticed this with friends who have son's and daughters.......the girls are treated to girly time, shopping days and pamper sessions. And of course a huge fuss is made when puberty hits and periods start. More bonding and familiarity. Boys are very much left to get on with it.......I think a lot of people who moan their brothers and sons are shit with their elderly parents need to take a look back at how childhood often tipped in favour of the daughters regarding the time spent building a relationship. 💁🏻‍♀️*

Could it be that the father should have done the stereotypical sport matches, teaching son how to shave, maintain his car.... I'm a single mum so did the shaving stage (they aren't driving yet and the sport matches
are something that is only do if the boys asked)

It is easier for mums to talk about first periods etc

For every mum who is favouring their dd, there must be a Dad who's not putting in equivalent effort with the son.

I'm not saying that parents can't raise the opposite sex but sometimes some things come more naturally because they align with
your own experience of growing up. My sons aren't going give a toss about what my first bra shopping trips were like unless they end up as single parents of girls.

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