Is it acceptable that mothers favour their daughters and not their sons?

[SMarie123]

Aibu to be annoyed by how often mothers favour their grown daughters and vs their sons? Or is it just that I am the mother of sons.....

My husband is very good at wife work. She brought up lovely sons (and daughters ) so I guess I should give her credit when it is due.

I am just sad for 2 reasons

1. we live in a major city and she is up for Christmas, she is here for one week. She is staying 5 nights with her daughter and 2 nights with her other son ( although she wasn't go to stay with her son until his wife made a huge fuss about how rude it was and stated how they cared for her post op etc basically highlighting all the things she and her husband genuinely do). The other factor is her daughter has someone else coming to stay in the spare room for the 2 nights.... otherwise I am not sure she would actually leave. We only got a fleeting visit and she only cane for dinner with us yesterday because her daughter and family were coming... otherwise she wouldn't have been here...

2. for Christmas my sons got a highly specific amount of money... it made no sense until I realised that she had given us the exact figure she spent in very thoughtful gifts for her daughters children. Although materially they were equal there was no thought or consideration put into what they were given. She kept going on about how fair she was because she gave exactly the same amount of money.

Its very mixed in the McGee family, my older brother is the golden child in my family, DH's older brother is the golden child in his family, but my DB/SIL favor their younger daughter aver the older one, as do my parents. so bang goes my theory about the oldest child being the golden child. No matter.

Meh my mother has two daughters and it's always been made clear she wishes at least one is a boy but to be fair shes nuts.

OP I think it's more about relationships than sex to be honest

I think this is basically your MIL OP.

My MIL only has sons, so I can't make this comparison, but my parents aren't like this with me and my brother.

You can’t generalise really.
I have no contact with my mother at all, yet she dotes on my brother.
Everyone is different .

The present thing suggests that she doesn't know your kids well enough to buy thoughtful gifts.

What were things like when your h was growing up? If he was/is self-sufficient and never moaned maybe she thinks that he doesn't need her?

I think it's unusual when parents are totally equal in the closeness stakes with adult kids. I know families who have managed it so it's not impossible but in mine, I was the capable and independent one so was neglected in favor of my brother who was smothered as he was male and my sister who shouts louder for attention.

Well it sounds like she ignores her other daughter, so not a sex thing, more a one daughter is her favourite thing. Whether that's genuine favouritism or just she feels most comfortable with her🤷‍♀️

Well, no favouritism growing up, but she says I make more of an effort in every sense and I live halfway up the country and she never sees my brother who is usually in his MIL's house with his wife, visiting. She is really pissed off about it.

My husband is very good at wife work

Usually we have women on here moaning about their husband/partner's mother interfering or wanting to play a large part in their lives, while expecting their own mothers to be welcome anytime and considering them a help.
As a mother of sons I feel it is quite sad that so many women think as our children grow up we should maintain a close bond with daughters, but not with our sons.

I've noticed this with friends who have son's and daughters.......the girls are treated to girly time, shopping days and pamper sessions. And of course a huge fuss is made when puberty hits and periods start. More bonding and familiarity.
Boys are very much left to get on with it.......I think a lot of people who moan their brothers and sons are shit with their elderly parents need to take a look back at how childhood often tipped in favour of the daughters regarding the time spent building a relationship. 💁🏻‍♀️

Having been told that if sex selection had been a thing, I would have been aborted because she already had one girl and the miserable face/comments when all grandchildren except one (coincidentally the Fucking Golden Child second son's, naturally) turned out to be girls, I reckon you're talking bollocks in generalising one woman's preferences and extrapolating to cover 'all mothers'.

Mind you, I've also seen families were the mother actively avoids and evades going there compared to one of the other sibling's place - that was because they lived in an utter shit tip, had three mattresses for five children despite an adequate income and nobody could communicate without shouting at full volume. That person was convinced that the mother hated them - wasn't the case, but she couldn't cope with mess and filth and the stench and shouting anymore; she'd even tried to help by cleaning the house from top to bottom (after checking it was OK to so), only to see it trashed within 24 hours.

OP. You have obviously not met anyone like my mother, Aunts, Grandmothers, Greatgrandmothers...

I come from a long line of women who bat for the bloody boys.

Unless they have a really bad relationship I suspect most women will gravitate towards their own mum for help/advice/support when they have a child/children however nice the MIL is, there just isn't the same shared history. I suspect it means many mum's of boys feel a little bit pushed out once their boys have partners and children.

I don't think mum's who have both sexes necessarily favour their daughter(s), fundamentally they are just more likely to have more in common being the same sex.

Not true in our family - we have the traditional setup of me doing most of the work for my mum, while she moans and complains about me. My brother does much less but can do no wrong.

But if the parents are still together why would the son not gravitate towards their dad even if not doing close things with their mum, once they are adults?

DH has been as involved with bringing up DS as much as I have, so if DS then has a family why would he then ignore the bond he has with his DF, even if he doesn’t do as much with me?

Well my mum doesn't love or like me and thinks the sun shines out of my brother's arse, we had a terrible Xmas where she made this obvious and I was nearly in tears despite being a total non crying person.

I hope that makes you feel better op.

IME both women and men prefer boys.

This reflects the actual position in societies all over the world (men are favoured) so maybe if you spend some time reading about that it will also make you feel better.

OR you could spend time reading some of the many many threads on here about how girls are bitchy, nasty, hard work, and a worry because of sex... Again this might make you feel better.

In my family, the mother definitely prefers the daughter. She loves all her children very much, but she's very actively involved in her daughter's life and with her children, and has always been so.

The relationship with the boys is a lot more passive, and if they don't make the effort, (or their wives), then the effort doesn't get made, unless it's in her interests. She really can take or leave their children. I mean, she's nice enough to them, and loves them, but they're not her children the same as her daughter's children. And she's always been quite open about that.

That's okay by me, but of course it means we don't have the same level of emotional involvement and connection if the proverbial hits the fan.

My parents have 3 girls, I'm the oldest daughter. We all have kids ranging in ages from 11 to 28 and there are very differing circumstances in our relationship statuses and financial circumstances. My sisters have both had the benefit of parents who were around and able to help out with their kids and support them, Ive never had that but it's because I had my DC much later in life and by then my parents had moved à gréât distance away. Apart from that, They have always treated us the same. However, out of the 3 of us I am the one who keeps in close contact, sends them cards, little gifts, photos etc and I'm the one who keeps in contact with other members of our family. My sisters just don't bother. We are all different but our parents love all of us

Not in my family - brother can do zero wrong and its frankly infuriating.

Based on my own experience, I think you’re conflating different issues. In the families I know best, it is the son who is the golden child, but the daughter who is expected to do the work and provide the support.

Mbsonz you are me on a balanced day... I even say that to the other DIL. I am just emotional today because of the points above.

I am very different to the other DIL she is happy to confront it head on with tears and everything... then she gets some attention for her family but to me that is too stressful... I kind of don't want to force someone who isn't interested (what is the point!!?!) but inside I am raging.

No fraggling a lot of mum's get things wrong with boys. They cosset them, or put them on a pedestal but don't bother to build an actual relationship. Then can't understand when they hit the teen years and bonds are a bit shakier why they're struggling so much.

It's really important to have healthy relationships that we find something. My DS and I don't have a great deal in common on paper. But he's helped to.cook since he was sat in his high chair when I'd give him a carrot and toddler knife to cut it up. He's always been dragged into the kitchen and as a result now is a good cook despite also having significant SN. We do a lot of our chatting in the kitchen, we'll plan meals together, we take our bikes out and fill the basket on his (( he has to ride a trike )) with berries, wild garlic etc or whatever is in season. This goes on to shopping trips for new gadgets or ingredients. We do other fun things obviously.

Our relationship and communication skills are excellent. Most of it is centered around a love of cooking. And if it hadnt been that common bond I'd have found something else. This mainly stems from having a very overlooked oldest brother who spent his life getting on with things but was rarely engaged with the family or involved because his three sisters seemed to be the main focus. Looking back it was obvious. We barely have a relationship now, he's said himself he feels he doesn't have a family and has built his own good network of friends as his family. That makes me feel very sad. 💁🏻‍♀️ And I also see it's very common. My dp has been no contact with his own mother for over 15 years because she never bothered with him unless he put a foot wrong and she'd get hysterical. (( Her own mother used to say this )) we had our own DD and DS and it started again. No real interest in DS but would be allover princess DD. Who she liked to dress up like a bloody doll. We could see it all panning out again so contact was stopped. Sad but sometimes sad things are done for the right reasons.